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7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband – Without Even Knowing It

By January 23, 2014May 20th, 2019Leadership, Marriage

I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.

The person doing the injuring: His wife.

And she – most likely – doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

Surprised?

I’m not. It happens all the time. She’s probably injured too. And he doesn’t even know he’s doing it to her. (Make sure you read the companion post to this one about how the husband injures the wife.)

Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. Plus, we often injure most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s began to realize how many things his wife is saying and doing that are causing him to pull away from her. He even recognizes his reaction as a defense mechanism. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt – which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask if this was normal in a marriage.

It didn’t take long before I realized, however, this marriage is heading for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. There’s a great chance she has questions about the relationship also. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions – learn valuable lessons – and strengthen the marriage.

I should be clear. This is not a counseling blog. And this couple needs counseling. Even though I have a degree in counseling, this is simply a blog where I want to help people. Mostly that’s by addressing leadership issues, but sometimes I address the issues dealing with relationships – families – marriage – children. Those issues impact us all – and our leadership.

Which led me to this post – addressing the ways wives injure their husbands – without even knowing it. I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. As I said, read the companion post. I consulted with my wife about it – 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public – if ever. They will simply take it – and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment – maybe anger – and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him (and correct him) when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed – for example – and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.

Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do and you remind him. Again. And again – never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase excessively – Because – he “always” does. Chances are that’s not really true, but when you accuse him that he always does – sadly it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today – and every other day you feel bad – puts undue pressure on him and he doesn’t know what to do with it. And you don’t have to tell him. You can simply and subtly just be in a bad mood towards him – without releasing him from guilt or letting him know he’s done nothing wrong. He will accept the “hint” as his own responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And he carries the pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up – he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have or what other men have accomplished – that you don’t have and he hasn’t provided – he carries the blame even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but a man feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego – self-confidence – sense of worth – is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them – with a third party if necessary – build healthier, stronger and happier people and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that – I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

For a similar post, click HERE

(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)

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Ron Edmondson

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This is my situation to a tee - I want out so badly
1 reply · active 59 weeks ago
Just testing this post first
2 replies · active 156 weeks ago
Hi Dave.

Mate you are right on the money my friend!

Women these days are so heavily influenced by the media it makes me sick. Without getting all biblical, if women stuck to the role that God gave them in the first place, we wouldnt be packing them in by the hundreds filling out sanitariums full of women on antidepressants. I know, ive been there, and lived through it personally with a selfish bitch of a wife. Funny thing is when you both start out, its all focus on the family nucleus. Both partners fully involved with each other (seen this THOUSANDS of times). Then, gradually, that love starts to fade, most of the time unfortunately after kids are born. More often than not, this all started at a coffee shop with her "friends" giving her advice on how marriages should run...gradually feeding this shit into their immaturely wired brains (and I speak only of the modern women the intelligent, hard working traditional family "Ladies" of yore are long gone). How a marriage should run when they couldnt run a bath. Most of these bitches lurk in the dark shadows of shame in the divorce alley where all the rest of the cast aways end up. Then they rear their ugly heads and smack some make up on and head out to destroy an otherwise good and well meaning family. Why? So she can climb the facebook ladder of likes and hits that proves shes a number 1 gossiping rube!

What really shits me is that your wife who trusted you in vow immediately takes trust in primarily social media, a stranger, friends, a whining mother,social media, a teenage girl, all of the above, before they seek trust in a husband who loves them loyally.

He doesnt need social media to live up to a fake standard...instead he takes pride in having a happy family.

FEMINISM has destroyed marriages by and large like cancer. Like facebook, like twitter, tic toc all that buzzy media shit.

Dave I would invite you to read a few chapters I read from a gentleman by the name of Henry Makow Ph.D. on an article called "How the Rockefellers re-engineered women". Now im not a big believer in conspiracies etc. By any means, but EVERY word this guy says lines up perfectly like an atomic clock with how he describes modern women...

Merry Christmas my friend.
2 replies · active 146 weeks ago
You're an idiot. God, and tradition is blown so far out if proportion for you that you now worship a Feminist demon....
7 replies · active 175 weeks ago
Pete
What kind of man, who thinks he is a real man, calls his wife a bitch? Your comment is sick. And you got the nerve to say women don't need feminism. This is part of the reason why feminism is here.
Now, just so you know, a woman doesn't marry a man, just for their lives to come to destruction. Women as a whole, enter marriage thinking she has a half way decent bloak. She thinks he is not jacked up. But as soon as they set up house, he becomes a controlling domineering, tyrannt, who had succumbed to chauvinism and the patriarchy and thinks she has be a maid, perform for him, 24/7 like a porn star, and every hour on the hour sex. That's utterly foolishness and so ridiculousness, even for a man with no logic.

You don't have any room, to talk about femism. Feminism, helps men too. But mostly it keeps men from using and abusing a girl and a woman, mind, body, or self esteem. So if men would stop lying on women and stop trying to rape every young woman and their daughter, then the wives of the world could be better able to respond, in her home. She is not your slave. Even slaves gave rights.
By the way, every woman doesn't marry. Therefore every woman, doesn't have a husband. Women who are single, don't owe a darn thing to a man. Get your logic and some knowledge, before you come here to write.
Everything bad thing, in this world, was created by a man. And evil minded, patriarchal, domineering, selfish, egotistical, control seeking men, hate to admit the truth. And women will never allow men to use and abuse them.
12-28-20
5 replies · active 175 weeks ago
Here’s my situation. I’m 42 years into my marriage. At 69 y.o. I am still working and bringing home the bread. We are both believers but I think that she is more in love with pleasing authoritative men and women of God then pleasing her husband. I get up every morning before leaving for work and make her coffee feed the dog, and off I go. I’m talking for a long long time I’ve been doing this. When the kids were home and in school, I would get them going off to school and get myself off to work. She has enjoyed a life of sleeping in, having her day to herself to do as she pleased etc. I hardly ever had her get up and even say goodbye to me unless I went to the bedroom to wake her. During the day I get calls from her asking what I would like for supper and could I stop by the store and pick something up. I do these things for her so that my time to arrive home is delayed. God forbid if I make a mistake and get the order wrong! It does not matter if I worked 10/12 hours that day. I would be accused of either screwing up on purpose to start a fight or not paying attention or whatever mean spirited thing comes to her mind. Do I get angry.YES !!! She used to have a job but for some reason she doesn’t believe she should have to work. God Provides! That is her comment when I mention that she should participate. I agree with that but I believe that He provides us the health the skills and the ability to live out our lives in His plan. She is well received in our church and is a part of the intercession prayer team. I often say to myself if they only knew how she treated me away from them. Am I perfect? Let me put it this way. I’m not myself anymore. I used to love to joke around meet new people and get out and do things. Now it’s a life of how much longer God? Because I have my own business the only new people I meet are customers and I really enjoy that. My kids do not have a good relationship with her even though they try. She is very religious. They do not dare talk about anything related to life without getting a sermon. They are out of the house and on their own now.
Well enough said. I know I painted a pretty bleak picture of her but I had to get it off my chest. I brought home the wrong salad dressing tonight from my daily shopping spree after a long day at work and that triggered this writing. I was looking for someone to talk to and saw this page. I don’t want to talk to the pastors that know her because they are the only people she admires and I don’t want her crushed so I’ll take the crushing for her. Thanks for listening.
3 replies · active 204 weeks ago
Been married for 11 years and have a great kid..

My wife always compates with others and doesnt understand everyones life ix different.. she keeps blaming me for her complex..

Always spends most time with thd phone and is addicted..Doesng at all think practically and gets into an argumeng for every damn thing..

We even had couple of marriagd counselling sessionsbut after few weeks things are back to normal

..

Pissed off and sobanhtimesi.dm hurt by her co.parisons and apathtbut even ic she gets a hing i.am talking ti znyone abt my pain, its a war at home...

Tell me any suggestions..
Man your article hits home. The “you always” comment is a regular one directed at me. I’ll listen to what she says after it but you’re right, “you always” is never the case..
Anyways...
My wife and I are newly married and it feels like I’m the one doing all the work. Communication is very poor, it’s like I’m talking to a wall...
We both work jobs. I consistently work 12 hour days but I come home and cook dinner, meal plan, clean, fix the vehicles, lawn/home maintenance AND all this on top of a home renovation project.
She alternates between 4 things to “look” busy. Her laundry, some dishes, a pile of books that she has been trying to sell for a year, and her damn phone. But god forbid she wiped the counter off once a week ago...
She is completely incapable of looking around and realizing what needs to be done.
I literally have to ask her to vacuum a bit. If she does, she’ll half ass the hell out of it. It’s about LOOKING productive instead of BEING productive in her mind.
It’s just my life right now I guess.. Feels good to vent a bit.
Now I’m going to go wire in the new kitchen outlets after I dust the living room and install all the cabinet doors... yup she’s on her phone on the couch.
Cheers men!
11 replies · active 139 weeks ago

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