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7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband – Without Even Knowing It

By January 23, 2014May 20th, 2019Leadership, Marriage

I was talking to a man the other day. He’s injured. Not severely. He will survive. Hopefully. The wounds aren’t deep. Right now. But he is injured.

It’s an emotional injury. Sometimes those are the worst kind of hurts.

The person doing the injuring: His wife.

And she – most likely – doesn’t even know she’s doing it.


I’m not. It happens all the time. She’s probably injured too. And he doesn’t even know he’s doing it to her. (Make sure you read the companion post to this one about how the husband injures the wife.)

Marriages are made of two very different, imperfect people. Plus, we often injure most those we love the most.

My friend is newly married. Over the course of the last few months he’s began to realize how many things his wife is saying and doing that are causing him to pull away from her. He even recognizes his reaction as a defense mechanism. Rather than start a fight, he withdraws. And he’s withdrawn to the point that he was willing to admit his hurt – which is difficult for any man to do. I was proud of him for being humble enough to ask if this was normal in a marriage.

It didn’t take long before I realized, however, this marriage is heading for disaster if they don’t address their issues soon. There’s a great chance she has questions about the relationship also. Thankfully, they’re in a great season to ask hard questions – learn valuable lessons – and strengthen the marriage.

I should be clear. This is not a counseling blog. And this couple needs counseling. Even though I have a degree in counseling, this is simply a blog where I want to help people. Mostly that’s by addressing leadership issues, but sometimes I address the issues dealing with relationships – families – marriage – children. Those issues impact us all – and our leadership.

Which led me to this post – addressing the ways wives injure their husbands – without even knowing it. I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. As I said, read the companion post. I consulted with my wife about it – 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public – if ever. They will simply take it – and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment – maybe anger – and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him (and correct him) when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed – for example – and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.

Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do and you remind him. Again. And again – never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase excessively – Because – he “always” does. Chances are that’s not really true, but when you accuse him that he always does – sadly it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today – and every other day you feel bad – puts undue pressure on him and he doesn’t know what to do with it. And you don’t have to tell him. You can simply and subtly just be in a bad mood towards him – without releasing him from guilt or letting him know he’s done nothing wrong. He will accept the “hint” as his own responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And he carries the pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up – he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have or what other men have accomplished – that you don’t have and he hasn’t provided – he carries the blame even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but a man feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego – self-confidence – sense of worth – is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them – with a third party if necessary – build healthier, stronger and happier people and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that – I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

For a similar post, click HERE

(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)

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Ron Edmondson

Author Ron Edmondson

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  • Joshua Staats says:

    You know I am hurt bad right now but my peace rest in God and it does hurt bad like big time but my love for God and my family over powers that and I must protect them from evil. For now my heart is broken in so many ways but I stand tall with tears though.

  • Dave says:

    Today I took my wife out for our wedding anniversary. I sacrificed this past weekend, as I do most weekends, helping her. When we got home tonight all the spoiled brat could do was complain I didn’t get her flowers. If between helping her and my 11 hour workdays I did have the time to get her flowers they would have been the wrong type or color.

    Getting married was the biggest mistake I ever made. I just hope one of us dies soon, I really don’t care which. She’s pious and pompous, praying her rosary, lighting her candles, and telling me everything that is wrong with me. But if I reminder her the Bible says to honor and respect your husband she would laugh like a hyena.

    • Jeff Adams says:

      I understand! Mine sounds like Veruca Salt, too. I just thought of all of the demands she has (finish the basement, new hardwood floors and carpeting, brand new car, and an extension to our patio). Yet, she checks off all of the boxes listed here.
      I’m not doing ANY of this! If she wants a divorce, fine! I’ll be fine and she’ll have to pick up more hours at work! 🤣
      I am NEVER getting married again! One and done.

      • WLB says:

        Jeff, I encourage you to read the biblical details of marriage. You will never experience any greater joy than to have a God designed marriage. And family. Please. I know how hard marriage is, it’s so so hard. But I assure you if you at least attempt to seek God’s guidance He will come through for you in a heartbeat. Your wife, will follow suit. It just takes one decision, not a feeling, a decision to try it God’s way.

  • Carmelo Bonanno says:

    Where were you when my satanic wife did everything she could do to destroy me ?

    • Yea, I had one of those too! Im still very bitter and can’t believe that she litterly destroyed me in every way possible! I hope you’ve healed as I know that I never will.

      • What & why does a wife for 27 years turn evil. Literally a low tone yelling & spitting degrading me while a few of her friends where visiting. I’ve never used profanity towards her nor ever raised a hand to hurt her ever. She continuously called 911 making 7 Bogus domestic violence calls. The call that had me arrested was a Sunday morning. While I was taking a shower she made a 911 call stating that I got violent when she refused to have sex with me. ( I did not see her yet that morning.) As i was rinsing my head I was lifted up out of my shower, twisted tossed to the floor & hit on the side of my head by a butt of an assault rifle by a SWAT team. I could go on & on but I’ll say this. Why? I’ll never know but how is it OK for a women to ruin a man by just making a few false calls. I did 16 days in jail for a crime as in abuse to my wife that I did not do. While jailed she withdrawn $250.000 & short saIed our house. I am classified as a Criminal now. This ended my career. Cant get hired for any type of work cause of all this & to find that she had been cheating on ne for 3 years with another women. I have been homeless since all this. Im mentally messed up. For loving this women from 19 to 51 years old living very fine without financial problems how could one do harm to near death to the companion they said I do to. I can not stop thinking of why & what I did wrong. Over & over. To live i do not want to. I am not suicidal. I pray not to wake & to give my life up for a new born to live. Maybe he or she will get it right. I Michael has not.

        • Sara says:

          My gosh, that’s some awful circumstances. I’m so sorry for your horrible situation.

          Before the problems started, was there anything she was trying to communicate to you? I’m most hostile when my husband minds his own business and avoids me. I feel abandoned and have a tendency to make his life harder to get his attention, pay him back, etc. It isn’t right of course, but an urge I have to fight. Women need to feel heard and understood. Giving your wife enough attention can cut into leisure time. I say this only for other reader’s benefit. In your situation I realize she’s cheated, and it seems like hope has been gone for a long time.

          I feel for you, and can’t imagine going through something like that. No one should be treated how she’s treated you. And I can definitely see why it’s affecting you mentally. That’s some overwhelming, life changing circumstances. Hoping you can get an attorney?

          Do you have any friends or family to help you? I am praying for you and glad to hear you’re at least not suicidal. Though very sad to hear you’ve lost your will to live. Please know that God loves you. And nothing passes through His hand unless He allows it. Why would He allow hurt to come? It may not feel like it but you’re in His hands. Kind’ve like the story of Job in the bible (if you don’t know it, hoping you’ll look It up). Job was so tested. He faced some serious trials and situations like you. He lost everything.

          When God is all you have, you realize God is all you need. There’s so much hope, comfort, and peace can come from this situation. Please reach out to God and tell Him you want Him in your life. He will do more for you than anyone else can, I promise.

          Your wife’s heart is very cold (or she has mental issues). Menopause makes unstable women go insane unfortunately. But no one is beyond God’s reach. Prayer can change things. Will she stop and come back to you? Possibly not, as she’s gone full psycho it seems. I would consider her an enemy. But know that the bible says to pray for your enemies. That may seem absurd right now, and if you can’t do it ask God for His help. There’s power in prayer and I want you to reap the benefits of this cause you need some real help in your life to recover from this mess.

          The bible has a lot to say on enemies. Please look up scriptures on this (you can use Google). And pray through each scripture you find. A heartfelt prayer to God will save you. I went through something awful last month regarding an enemy. It caused me a massive amount of stress. But God got me through. I’m giving you the advice that literally saved me and hope you will try it.

          Truly praying that things improve for you, as it sounds like you need all the help you can get.

    • Alan Norman says:

      Brother I feel you. If I was an obedient man, I would be living on the roof. 21 years of marriage and I will never understand why I never left…. Yet!

  • Franklin Powell says:

    First Men: Stop acting like pigs in front of other men by saying degrading things about your wife. How would you feel if your wife did the same to you. You would be furious, right? A real man has no need to show how manly he is by shaming others. Men try to bathe and shave more than once a week ..Men stay true to your wife and leave the sows that sleep with any one who wears pants, to the n the men with the morals of alley Cats, they deserve each other. Men get rid of that Macho, men are better than women, God didn't once say men are better than women, men and women have different rolls , but one is not better than other. These men who puff up their chests like a bull frog and shout they are the boss, make me laugh. If they really were the boss there would be no need to tell everyone what a big Man they are .and cut out the nasty remarks about other women, other women ,if they are decent ,don't appreciate a man making remarks about their butts or boobs .OK Women now it's your time: Stop lying around bed until noon, get up clean the house, do the laundry, clean, cook and put the Dog and cat out to poop and pee ,cat pee is the most nasty smell of all, don't you have any pride in your home? Try to bath and shampoo your hair at least 3 times a week, and fir the love of Pete run a comb and brush through it at least 2 times a day.. Men and women, if you both work, the house work should be shared by both of you. Try giving the upmost respect to each other, and see what a little kindness will do.

  • John says:

    Man your article hits home. The “you always” comment is a regular one directed at me. I’ll listen to what she says after it but you’re right, “you always” is never the case..
    My wife and I are newly married and it feels like I’m the one doing all the work. Communication is very poor, it’s like I’m talking to a wall…
    We both work jobs. I consistently work 12 hour days but I come home and cook dinner, meal plan, clean, fix the vehicles, lawn/home maintenance AND all this on top of a home renovation project.
    She alternates between 4 things to “look” busy. Her laundry, some dishes, a pile of books that she has been trying to sell for a year, and her damn phone. But god forbid she wiped the counter off once a week ago…
    She is completely incapable of looking around and realizing what needs to be done.
    I literally have to ask her to vacuum a bit. If she does, she’ll half ass the hell out of it. It’s about LOOKING productive instead of BEING productive in her mind.
    It’s just my life right now I guess.. Feels good to vent a bit.
    Now I’m going to go wire in the new kitchen outlets after I dust the living room and install all the cabinet doors… yup she’s on her phone on the couch.
    Cheers men!

    • Craig says:

      Hi John,

      My wife and I are also newly weds. We are approaching 2 years of marriage. It seems like everything changed when we got married. We no longer it’s still a mystery to me as to what changed for her not to want to make out anymore. She says its because I smoke but that never seemed to be a problem when we were dating.

      Also discussions only seem like they’re on sided. The moment I express how I feel, she flips the situation and makes me feel wrong for bringing up my emotions and says I’m way too emotional and take things too deep. I’m so tired of being demanded to do things her way. Its taking a toll on me because majority of the time I choose peace and don’t say anything but eventually I always blow up.

      I dont think I’m asking for too much. I just want us to be able to have two way communication not what’s currently happening.

      • Jean says:

        The truth is that, husbands change too. Husbands change their already boring, " hump two three" lovemaking and expect wives to enjoy and want sex with you all?? Really guys??? Sex is not as enjoyable for women as it is for men. That's the truth.
        So if the love making techniques, include a quick,no caressing and the one two hump, and you go to sleep, without so much as a " I luv you", or a pat on the butt, or anything, the what do you expect. There's nothing cute about you . Women just won't tell their husbands the truth, because as you see by the men's responses here, men are so sensitive, so illogical, selfish, egotistical, and are clueless about the fact that a marriage relationship is a two way street.
        By the way men, it is not just the woman who changes after marriage. Husbands change too. Wives get as bored with you husbands as you husbands get bored with your wives. You all age, get ugly, crepe skinned, impotent, and out of shape too. Men just whine, whine whine, because men expect their wives to not speak, have an opinion.

        • Leslie says:

          I am guessing that you have had some very hurtful experiences in your relationships with men. If so, I am truly sorry. But I want you to know that you are writing with sweeping generalizations that aren't true of many, many wives. You're right, marriage is a two-way street. And often we need to take the initiative to be intentional about healing our own hurts and showing respect to our partners in order to see a good return. I pray you find peace. <3

        • Ex-stepdad says:

          Wow, us guys were lied to as we grew up. Women don’t like to know about the man’s issues and she does not want to deal with her mans feelings. Because we were taught that men aren’t entitled to feelings only women are.

      • Wife says:

        Hi John,
        I am so sorry this has happened so early in your marriage. It seems like both men and women can be very broken and do a lot of damage in a relationship. Where does one go to begin repairing the damage? I can tell you that I have been married just for about three years and luckily things have not change for us (at least not for the worse). We are both older (in our 40's) and we both had previous relationships that did not last. It can be so heartbreaking when you are just starting out and things are going badly. But this often happens. I had no idea (because people don't talk about it). You can begin to heal yourself. Sometimes it includes leaving the person you are with if they are unwilling to work to be a healthier version of themselves. Hopefully that will not be the case with you and your wife. There are a few lessons that my husband and I have learned that have made our relationship more healthy and oh, so much fun.
        1. Love is doing what is in the best interest of another even if it cost or inconveniences you and is not
        reciprocated. This was a difficult concept to grasp. But once I began to practice doing what was in
        my husband's best interest, it made me less selfish and allowed me to focus on his needs without
        worrying about if he focused on my needs. It was super challenging in the beginning. I think I
        watched too many movies and I had unrealistic expectations. I believe that most women don't want
        to hurt the men in our lives. We just don't really have a clue how to really love a man. Once we
        learn, it's easy. But the learning is hard. When both of you are hurting, that makes loving
        challenging. Sometimes it is in the other person's best interest for you to pray for them (both when
        you are alone and together).
        2. You can not love anyone you perceive you need. Sometimes we feel like we need the other
        person. We tolerate their unhealthy behaviors and we begin to be unhealthy in the process. While
        you certainly don't have to tell your spouse that you don't need them, know in your heart that you
        are choosing to be with your spouse because deep down, for some reason, you must want to. Tell
        them what you love about them. Let them know why you choose to be with them. Pray for all of the
        rest. It may take time, but you can make healthy choices (only you know what they are).
        3. Expectations are relationship killers. Don't have any expectations (good or bad). Let your spouse
        be who they are. If they complain, you don't have to reciprocate. Thank them for their input. Do
        some honest self reflection before you resist the information and really ask yourself how are you
        doing? Focus on being the best you that you can be.

        Relationships can be challenging. You can always make healthy choices. They are usually not the
        easiest but they are definitely worth it. Just my take on it. Feel free to use, lose, or refuse anything I have written here. Either way, I pray for strength for your journey and joy in your heart and soul. We are all changing all the time. Hopefully it is for the better.

        If you anyone is interested, I can post where I have learned much of the teaching on relationships. The information I have learned about relationships has been transformational for my marriage.

        Take any typos as love. I often don't edit before I post 🙂

        • Sara says:

          You mentioned so many nuggets of wisdom. Truly grateful for the advice. I’d love to know where to find marriage advice? You offered to let others know your source. Thanks greatly.

      • Do one thing that shows youre doing your part in the marriage. Stop smoking and put the money that you would spend on cigarettes into a sabings account in your name only.
        Trust me. She sounds like a narcissist. They never accept criticism and always deflect everything on you. It will always be your fault. You will never be allowed to say or do anything that will make her look bad. I mean ever! She on the other hand can do anything she likes as a narcissist doesnt have a conscious! Thats why I finally left my wife. At least research narcissist and I think you will find that thats what she is.
        Good luck

      • Bill Meghinis says:

        Get out now. You're only two years in, more than enough time to fix this mistake.

    • Charlene says:

      Hi john ,I’m really sorry to hear that your wife acts just like my boyfriend (johnny) I label it as lazy!its so frustrating for me ,there is no communication for our relationship because when I begin to try n discuss important issues with him or just general things that I could use help with he begins to sing louder than I’m talking or talks. Jibberish very loudly so he can’t hear what I’m saying.
      I had never really thought about another person never wanting to hear the other out, no matter what the issue is about,but to continually ignore what my feelings are about and any other conversation all the time,has ruined this so called relationship…
      Not to .mention how he’s of no help around the house ,and hasn’t been with me sexually in 2 years and 2 months and refuses to say a word as to what the problem is..I’m done it’s too much stress ,I want a loving partner by my side not dead weight.

      • Wd says:

        Hi. Looks like you married my wife. LOL.
        I am those things you mentioned and still get treated like dirt. We went almost 5 yrs no sex before 10 years of marriage. Eventually we did draw close but one day before my birthday 3 years ago everything changed again. Yeah, I am devestated on how she doesn’t shave anymore, 100% cut out fun stuff except when she wants and if I turn it down I have done the unforgivable. I have really tried too. She is always on games chatting with other guys. Then she pushes me away after I do everything for her. Some of it is coming from someone she has talked to or perhaps other than an already devorced friend of hers that hates me. Its gotten to where I am sad but also think to myself if nothing gets better I will wake up old and few good memories if something doesn’t happen. If kids were not involved I would’ve given up because it looks like she is purposefully pushing me away. I cant compete for attention and do everything else just to be treated like this. I am a quality guy too but this isnt my hometown so theres that.

    • Sounds like she’s very selfish and immature. Why don’t you just leave the housework all to her. As long as you do it she’s going to let you. You should just stick to your job and the renovation and then sell the house as soon as you finish the reno and move on if she hasnt caught on by then. Otherwise you’re gojng to be Cinderfella the rest of your life! She will never appreciate you! Bonne Chaunce!

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  • Moto says:

    Been married for 11 years and have a great kid..

    My wife always compates with others and doesnt understand everyones life ix different.. she keeps blaming me for her complex..

    Always spends most time with thd phone and is addicted..Doesng at all think practically and gets into an argumeng for every damn thing..

    We even had couple of marriagd counselling sessionsbut after few weeks things are back to normal


    Pissed off and hurt by her co.parisons and apathtbut even ic she gets a hing talking ti znyone abt my pain, its a war at home…

    Tell me any suggestions..

  • Ron says:

    Here’s my situation. I’m 42 years into my marriage. At 69 y.o. I am still working and bringing home the bread. We are both believers but I think that she is more in love with pleasing authoritative men and women of God then pleasing her husband. I get up every morning before leaving for work and make her coffee feed the dog, and off I go. I’m talking for a long long time I’ve been doing this. When the kids were home and in school, I would get them going off to school and get myself off to work. She has enjoyed a life of sleeping in, having her day to herself to do as she pleased etc. I hardly ever had her get up and even say goodbye to me unless I went to the bedroom to wake her. During the day I get calls from her asking what I would like for supper and could I stop by the store and pick something up. I do these things for her so that my time to arrive home is delayed. God forbid if I make a mistake and get the order wrong! It does not matter if I worked 10/12 hours that day. I would be accused of either screwing up on purpose to start a fight or not paying attention or whatever mean spirited thing comes to her mind. Do I get angry.YES !!! She used to have a job but for some reason she doesn’t believe she should have to work. God Provides! That is her comment when I mention that she should participate. I agree with that but I believe that He provides us the health the skills and the ability to live out our lives in His plan. She is well received in our church and is a part of the intercession prayer team. I often say to myself if they only knew how she treated me away from them. Am I perfect? Let me put it this way. I’m not myself anymore. I used to love to joke around meet new people and get out and do things. Now it’s a life of how much longer God? Because I have my own business the only new people I meet are customers and I really enjoy that. My kids do not have a good relationship with her even though they try. She is very religious. They do not dare talk about anything related to life without getting a sermon. They are out of the house and on their own now.
    Well enough said. I know I painted a pretty bleak picture of her but I had to get it off my chest. I brought home the wrong salad dressing tonight from my daily shopping spree after a long day at work and that triggered this writing. I was looking for someone to talk to and saw this page. I don’t want to talk to the pastors that know her because they are the only people she admires and I don’t want her crushed so I’ll take the crushing for her. Thanks for listening.

    • Krister says:

      You’re an idiot for staying with someone who treats you like trash. Kids or not, house or not, married or not, GOD or not…have some self-respect and kick her lazy, self righteous butt to the curb!

    • Pete says:

      Hi John. I read your post. I guess I need someone to talk to also. If you are still following this thread, then let me know.


    • Wife says:

      Wow Ron, Thanks for sharing. I was reading the companion article to this and stumbled across this article. As a woman, it is not often that I get to hear marriage from a man's perspective and notice all the ways we can be insensitive and hurt our husbands. I pray for all of the men in unhealthy relationships and I pray that as women we learn to love better. I am in a healthy and fulfilling marriage and this article just makes me want to appreciate my husband more. We both have good jobs. I honestly didn't want to work. But we sat down and he articulated how important it was that we build together. The work I do is not easy for me. But I pray that God honors it because it is a sacrifice, not just for my marriage, but it is my reasonable service. Sometimes in marriage and relationships, we must remember that our joy comes from the Lord. Not from other people. I really pray that you find joy and begin to heal from what you are going through. It is possible, and there is hope. I am so grateful that you shared. More women need to hear this and learn to truly love and appreciate the husbands in our lives. We are here to help and to heal each other.

  • Jean says:

    What kind of man, who thinks he is a real man, calls his wife a bitch? Your comment is sick. And you got the nerve to say women don't need feminism. This is part of the reason why feminism is here.
    Now, just so you know, a woman doesn't marry a man, just for their lives to come to destruction. Women as a whole, enter marriage thinking she has a half way decent bloak. She thinks he is not jacked up. But as soon as they set up house, he becomes a controlling domineering, tyrannt, who had succumbed to chauvinism and the patriarchy and thinks she has be a maid, perform for him, 24/7 like a porn star, and every hour on the hour sex. That's utterly foolishness and so ridiculousness, even for a man with no logic.

    You don't have any room, to talk about femism. Feminism, helps men too. But mostly it keeps men from using and abusing a girl and a woman, mind, body, or self esteem. So if men would stop lying on women and stop trying to rape every young woman and their daughter, then the wives of the world could be better able to respond, in her home. She is not your slave. Even slaves gave rights.
    By the way, every woman doesn't marry. Therefore every woman, doesn't have a husband. Women who are single, don't owe a darn thing to a man. Get your logic and some knowledge, before you come here to write.
    Everything bad thing, in this world, was created by a man. And evil minded, patriarchal, domineering, selfish, egotistical, control seeking men, hate to admit the truth. And women will never allow men to use and abuse them.

    • Pete says:

      My point exactly Jean…you are all oblivious to it. You have just proven my point with every word you vomited..

      • Leslie says:

        I'm feeling such sadness reading these posts. Both from you, Pete, as well as Jean. You both seem to be dealing with a great deal of pain. But I will say that, overall, I am more inclined to agree with Pete. I am a woman in my 50s who was raised to not rely on a man, to find my own way and my own career, and to understand that "love doesn't pay the bills". I struggled for so many years in relationships, trying to wear the pants hidden under a feminine skirt. It just doesn't work, and that's why God's design for marriage is so good. Men were created to crave respect; women to crave love. Women were created to submit to their husbands (no, Jean, not as in the "feminist" definition of submission); and men were created to lead. Feminism blew out the foundation of God's plan. Women suddenly thought that they should lead in everything, even the workplace, and young men are no longer raised knowing how to lead their families. A truly good leader isn't a dictator, and he realizes the importance of a smart and supportive helpmate. To me, this means that I trust my husband to lead in making decisions that are best for our family. That doesn't mean we don't discuss things together, or that I don't provide valuable input that he actively seeks from me. It means that if we are unable to come to an agreement, I trust that he will act in our best interest. That's respect. I build him up, encourage him, and am thankful for all he does for our family. A man carries a large burden when he is the leader and provider. When I am intentional about showing my husband respect, simply because he is my husband, the return on my investment is monumental. He automatically responds with love.

        I would also agree, Pete, that the internet and social media have helped to destroy this dynamic. It is a sinkhole for our time, a cesspool of vitriol, and an unending display of others' highlight reels which often do not reflect reality (and lead to depression, disillusion and discontent).

        I wish you both peace in your hearts. I know others who have struggled with many of the feelings you both describe. Ultimately, the ones who prevailed were those who worked on changing their own hearts first. The other partner's heart soon followed. I pray it will be the same for you.

        BTW, I think that those that are open to what they can do to improve their marriage are the ones that aren't offended by the original post. I recognized some behaviors that creep in that I'm sure hurt my husband. I'm grateful for the post, and the resulting awareness it has fostered so that I remain vigilant in respect toward my husband. I have also shared the post for men with my husband. I trust him to love me and take the advice presented, as it is spot on.

    • Kylie says:

      I think maybe you just hate men. What a horrible person you are. Petes wife sounds like a selfish, self-entitled, narcissistic bitch. It is completely inconceivable to me that you can write a post that places everything bad in the world on men. Get some therapy, move past whatever hurt a man has caused you and maybe acknowledge that your attack on a total stranger who sounds like he is in a tough situation, is what’s wrong with the world.

  • Pete says:

    You’re an idiot. God, and tradition is blown so far out if proportion for you that you now worship a Feminist demon….

    • Pete says:

      The bible was written that way for a reason…to keep families together, loyalty love etc….
      Now we need to be big power troopers showing whos got the biggest balls, who wears the pants…a big competition…who gives a shit cos if i married a woman like that I would rather drink a bottle of yves saint lauren from your feminist poison perfume cupboard…!

    • Sue lee says:

      This article is so sexist! Some men are completely self indulgent and stubborn. Especially those husbands that lie and cheat on their wives! Women are just as sensitive to criticism and feeling worthy. There are so many specifics that are being ignored by this author. The title in itself is so ignorant to the fact that there are many sides to a person (Man or woman) and reasons why people may act certain ways or say certain things. To do carelessly post an article titled “7 ways a wife injures her husband” is reckless! What if the husband is an alcoholic or a sex addict who has injured his wife with years of lies and emotional abuse?! …….. like my husband has done?
      Who is injuring who?

      • Pete says:

        Because there would have been an underlying reason to why your husband became that way…men dont just choose a life of certain destruction for no reason….
        I cannot speak for your situation Sue, he could have experienced trauma as a child…who knows.
        This is why the titles namesake states “without even knowing it…”

        The author is not being sexist Sue, he is trying to highlight the major flaws that women have in understanding a mans/husbands/fathers role. How women undermine their husbands role as leader and provider. How social media/feminism has twisted the fundamentals of family and love into a cess pool of broken marriages and divorce lawyers.
        Furthermore he has written an article on the complete role reversal of how men hurt women WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT…
        Tell me this Sue…how is a husband supposed to communicate with his wife, when she would rather communicate on facebook with her friends about her marriage problems when a simple and direct conversation with your spouse is the best resolution?
        Why is it so important to have these so called “friends” when your best friend should be your husband…your partner for life..
        Women (and many idiot modern men) succumb to this immature, evil and repulsive parasite otherwise known as “social media”…
        How do I know this? Because over the course of my marriage, my wife went from selfless, to selfish, commensurate with the poisonous growth called the internet, facebook and social media, which I am using to communicate to you with now.
        When we met, my beatiful wife was fully devoted primarily to me and me pimarily to her, both very much in love. Then our children came and we became a happy and healthy family unit.

        Gradually with the intriduction of satanic social media, feminism, and these “standards” that are expected of women, my wife has become a tv commercial…can you see how immature this is? Even our children notice it, yet she is completely oblivious to it.

        My standards, and most of the likeminded men and husbands that im speaking on behalf of here, are totally committed to the wellbeing of a family…we get satisfaction by being a devoted husband and father, not on how our social media status is…

        We are more interested in the status of our children and our wives. THAT is our pride as it should be yours…not what stupid car your friend bought…

        But my wife has gradually blossomed into a happy bitch, even though she thinks she is now a big strong independant woman.

        Now tell me please Sue, when a man does his best to raise a family, watch his wife running in and out of sanitariums with doctors feeding her antidepressants because she cant “keep up with the joneses” and strive to live like some superficial celebrity…and has exhausted every avenue if hope, what is he supposed to do?

        Im a very modest person Sue. If I had to try to live a pretentiuos lifestyle like she tries so hard to do, my kids would think we were all living in a TV commercial.
        How we hever managed this far is beyond me.

        I was brought up on a farm. My grandmother was the last of a respectful generation of traditional women who come from the wartime…who was selfless…not selfish like the women of today. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her dedication as a LOYAL wife and devoted mother/grandmother who worked her poor fingers to the bone picking tomatoes for her family unit…women these days complain about a broken fingernail…go figure. They were the strong gard working women who stood by their hard working mans side and him likewise with pride and love unconditionally. She was the happiest woman I know or ever will.

        She used to snicker at these “stupid women” (in her words) on television who portrayed themselves as these powerful women who had affairs, flirted, left their kids at daycare….refused responsibility of marriage…rather spend the day with parasitic “friends” does “days if our lives” ring a bell?

        So when a well intentioned man marries a woman, she lets him down to the point that he has exhausted all avenues of help to make his obnoxious selfish wife see
        That he is sincerely hurt…he wont tell you, he will silently become an alcoholic who becomes a sex addict because his purpose for life has just been thrown away by his wife who would rather be married to facebook…

        • Selfrespected says:

          Looks like you’re just as guilty of succumbing to the evils of social media since you’re here arguing with random strangers on the internet instead of actually doing something about your unhappy marital situation. Stop being a keyboard warrior and get off your ass to do the necessary work to fix your problems.

      • AKT says:

        Sue, I fail to see how the article is in any way "sexist". There are countless articles that give advice to men about how they can be better husbands, but as soon as it's the other way around it's sexist? How childish. I think you completely missed the point of the article, and are basically twisting it to make it look as though everything is the man's fault. Of course there are no good men who abuse, lie, and cheat on their wives, but the article is in no way justifying the actions of those men. It is addressing the fact that some wives openly and publicly humiliate their husbands in public, or constantly compare them to others, are unreasonably demanding, or are just plain emotionally abusive towards their spouse. Not all men who are on the receiving end are self indulgent, stubborn, alcoholics, or sex addicts, as you seem to think. I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with your husband, but don't assume all situations are the same or all men are like your husband. The fact is men are not perfect, and neither are women.

      • Bryan says:

        I think your husband gets nagged a lot about not doing things right.

    • Hansel says:

      Pete, you say the author is an idiot and worships a feminist demon. Let's review, "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."

      Now reading that statement, would you like to specify just which demon you are worshipping in calling this man an idiot. If you really care about accuratly representing what the Bible says, then check your heart before you speak anything about it in public.

  • Pete says:

    Hi Dave.

    Mate you are right on the money my friend!

    Women these days are so heavily influenced by the media it makes me sick. Without getting all biblical, if women stuck to the role that God gave them in the first place, we wouldnt be packing them in by the hundreds filling out sanitariums full of women on antidepressants. I know, ive been there, and lived through it personally with a selfish bitch of a wife. Funny thing is when you both start out, its all focus on the family nucleus. Both partners fully involved with each other (seen this THOUSANDS of times). Then, gradually, that love starts to fade, most of the time unfortunately after kids are born. More often than not, this all started at a coffee shop with her “friends” giving her advice on how marriages should run…gradually feeding this shit into their immaturely wired brains (and I speak only of the modern women the intelligent, hard working traditional family “Ladies” of yore are long gone). How a marriage should run when they couldnt run a bath. Most of these bitches lurk in the dark shadows of shame in the divorce alley where all the rest of the cast aways end up. Then they rear their ugly heads and smack some make up on and head out to destroy an otherwise good and well meaning family. Why? So she can climb the facebook ladder of likes and hits that proves shes a number 1 gossiping rube!

    What really shits me is that your wife who trusted you in vow immediately takes trust in primarily social media, a stranger, friends, a whining mother,social media, a teenage girl, all of the above, before they seek trust in a husband who loves them loyally.

    He doesnt need social media to live up to a fake standard…instead he takes pride in having a happy family.

    FEMINISM has destroyed marriages by and large like cancer. Like facebook, like twitter, tic toc all that buzzy media shit.

    Dave I would invite you to read a few chapters I read from a gentleman by the name of Henry Makow Ph.D. on an article called “How the Rockefellers re-engineered women”. Now im not a big believer in conspiracies etc. By any means, but EVERY word this guy says lines up perfectly like an atomic clock with how he describes modern women…

    Merry Christmas my friend.

    • Dave says:

      Thanks for the kind words, Pete. I agree feminism has done incalculable damage to society. There is a generation of men so repulsed by these obnoxious “liberated” women that they are shunning dating and marriage. They are tired of hateful, amoral women who demand the world from men while offering a turd sandwich in return. However I don’t think there is a centralized cabal at the center of militant feminism. It’s simply a product (or a cause?) of our hyper consumeristic, instant gratification, me-me-me culture.

      Men can’t defeat this noxious strain of feminism. Rather it will take a movement of decent young women saying “enough, we will hold ourselves to high standards.
      And we will no longer stand for denigration of men”. I’m not holding my breath for this to happen.

    • Lisa says:

      Pete, I'm very sorry for your personal hurt. You've obviously had a very painful experience. Because you mention God as an important influence to you, however, I want to caution you to take a step back and re-examine the ways you might have allowed the pain of your personal experience to become a bitterness that is poisoning your view of others who you are called to compassionately consider as equally valuable and loved by God. I do understand the temptation to find a larger pattern, trend, or movement behind bad things that have happened to us, but each relationship is a unique creation of the two people involved, and is rarely the product of some malevolent outside force. This post is blatantly misogynistic, and it doesn't do you justice. I hope you're able to find healing for the pain you've experienced, and move forward without the kind of resentment and anger I see still harming you here. Best wishes.

  • Pete says:

    Just testing this post first

    • Pete says:

      Thankyou Dave. I see your point. But to indulge on where it all began or how to fix it all? I agree, its impossble
      Im still married mate. To a stunningly beautiful looking spanish woman. Like one of those covergirl women. But did you note my words “beautiful looking”. Not beautiful by heart mate, only pretentiuos enough to care enough that i can eat a “turd sandwich” as you have said while she rides the gravy train that i provide her as an architect. She doesnt need a job, i told her that I am the provider and that is my job as a father and husband. Even her father wanted it that way. Its always been like this because im old school mate, the bloke works, the wife takes care of the home and kids.. and im not about to uproot thousands of years of bible and tradition for the sake of a “modern fucked up family”…a life of champaigne, superficial pretentious friends open marriages, feminism and all the evil that follows such a flawed philosophical concept as such.

      I wont bang on about it mate but heres my unique situation in a nutshell, and only because I see the relevance to our subject.
      Married 23 yrs. 3 boys. 2 grown up, 1 12 yrs old. If he was finished secondary school i would have left her by now.
      My wife was a traditional type of woman when we met. Knew her role as Wife and mother. It is in her culture, her family tradition, her loving nature. A calm placid woman by nature. Me, Husband as provider, her shoulder, her rock…always like a soldier. Always for my kids. For God for happiness and just plain bloody common sense on raising a family.

      Fast forward 15 yrs after we first met. New friends, social media, facebook………….80% of her once lovingly committed heart and mind has been stolen from our family by the internet. Now ive got a menacing selfish bitch who wont have it any way but her way…

      My divorce is imminent, only because ive exhausted every possibly avenue in my brain and with God to resolve an impossible situation, because to live as a subservient fool to my robotic wife for the rest if my life is, well….you know…
      Like its written….”and the children shall suffer”

      Thanks for lending an ear my friend. My best wishes for New year mate.


      • Dave says:

        Hi Pete,

        My wife is Latina as well, and does not work. The problem with that is we have no kids. We have been married seven years and outside of some part time stuff in ’19 and ’20 she has earned no money. She incessantly studies to enter a grad program she has little chance to get into. Even if she does we’re in our late 40s so the payback time is short. Even then the studying is peppered with generous doses of Facebook and other social media trash. It provides her with ammunition to complain constantly about how terrible her life is, all of my imperfections, etc.

        She had been in her home country for several weeks and is due to return in one week. I wish she’d stay. The house is clean, I have peace, and I can take care of myself. Ever since she morphed from the sweet woman I dated to the hell beast she is now I’m much happier when she is far away.

  • RD More says:

    This is my situation to a tee – I want out so badly

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  • Amy says:

    I’m so happy to read this, even tho I’m so sad that i do every single one of those things to my husband on a regular basis. Im going to dig further in hopes of finding a solution…

  • Dave says:

    When most men say they want respect from their wives they are not demanding their wives live in subservient marriages. Most of us would be bored with Stepford wives who never tried to challenge us. We simply want wives who treat us with respect and dignity, appreciating our efforts, imperfect though they are.

    I’ll reiterate this point. Women need to wake up and realize most of the stuff that has been fed to them by Facebook and mass media is garbage. The smiling wife who posts pictures of her amazing vacations and fancy dinners has her problems and misery just like the rest of us. But you won’t see the darker side of her life on Facebook. The problem is her friends see these pristine images and say “her life and husband are incredible, why does my life stink? I know, it’s all my husband’s fault”. Or women watch inane rom-coms where the male lead does and says the perfect things and then becomes enraged when her husband does not do the same.

    So many marital issues would be solved if women would wake up and adjust their expectations. Their husbands are not supposed to be their everything. Only God can fill that role, not other human beings.

  • Jeff says:

    A man with his act together gains nothing from marriage. A wedding is a woman’s superbowl. She will work hard up until then, but after the superbowl, no more work. If you want a great relationship, don’t ruin it with marriage.

    • Dave says:

      Generally I agree, but with an exception. If you are an Alpha Male who is respected and admired by women, and you want to be a family man, it can work. The wife would know that if she treats her husband like trash there would be other women ready and willing to take her place. But the Average Joe doesn’t have that leverage so he can only hope his bride doesn’t do a 180 after marriage. In that case, it’s a crapshoot.

  • Chris says:

    Wow – reading all this hatred really makes me glad I’m not married to certain contributors!

    The ‘good old days’ when women respected their men? Really? When women were treated as incapable and silly, no good for more than baby making and serving their hubby who was usually emotionally unavailable – not always, but often. Wow – I know Aftrican and Asian women currently living in these kinds of subservient marriages in their own countries, and believe me, we shouldn’t be glorifying the ‘good old days’, because modern slavery is illegal y’know.

    No relationship will work without open and effective communication; it builds trust and from that, love and commitment. In today’s society the rise of social media, gadgets and keeping up with the Kardashians’ really has destroyed the majority of marriages by keeping us from building meningful memories based on conversation and joint activities. The reality is that nobody has it easy in any relationship, whatever your point of view as you don’t know what people experienced before they came into the relationship with you; it’s offensive that those who shout the loudest think that theirs is the only pain. It’s all about Sonder, and if you don’t know what that means that’s probably the reason you’re so unhappy and living in a dead relationship.

    Our upbringings have contributed to so much anxiety in our lives, with many (not all admittedly) children of the 60s, 70s and early 80s having been brought up by emotionally unavailable parents, themselves victims of poor upbringings; this often goes hand in hand with sometimes violent and narcisistic siblings who became that way because they only ever wanted to get attention from parents too emotionally scarred from their own childhoods to successfully parent their own offspring. So is it any wonder that as a society we’re all looking for somebody to ‘see’ us, to take care of us and help us heal? Get a man and a woman together who have never taken personal responsibility for the effects of poorly serving coping mechanisms developed during childhood, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

    Unfortunately we do live in a world of infitate information resources, advice and parents who tell their kids they can be anything or anybody they want in life, without qualifying that that is only within the limits of the childs’ capabilities and drive, plus a whole bucket full of luck; so is it any wonder that people have developed a sense of entitlement, a feeling of somehow being less if they are not seen as perfect and / or super successful; people who ultimately give far too much of their private lives away on social media because of this need to be seen and loved? Where has all the dignity gone? Is it any wonder that we are now, men and women alike, more concerned with how we appear to the outside world that we fail to realise the only person who can make us happy is ourselves – not our husband, not our wife. We compare ourselves to everybody else becuase our early role models were either not there or found wanting in the light of our current adult lives and perspectives, and that is sad.

    And yes, many psychologists would agree that women treat sex as a comodity, but for many not out of spite, but because it is the ONLY power they feel they have in an unbalanced relationship. I can’t think of a single person, man or woman who would want to remain in a relationship with somebody scarred enough to abrogate the entirety of their emotional connection to their partner, and accept no part in it. That’s like buying a load of beers for you and your friends, pouring them straight down the toilet and blaming the barman becase you’re having such a shitty, dry, night – for heaven’s sake grow up and start taking personal responsibility for outdated and childish coping mechanisms! To me behaving like this smacks of having had a domineering mother who belittled your masculinity / femininity and witheld any kind of affection, making you beg for any little scrap of love and attention. So now the way you get your partners’ (much wanted) validation that you are indeed a ‘stud’ or a ‘hot piece of ass’ is to withold your affection? … and so the toxic cycle of emotional manipulation continues. I sure hope any of you out there who do this don’t have kids, becuase one thing is for sure, you’ll screw them up psychologically if they see this rubbish going on in their early life, and would be better off without you to parent them.

    Reltionships only work if both parties own their responsibilities and work as a partnership. And newsflash – not every partnership needs or deserves to run forever, whoever is to blame. If it’s not working and the other one refuses to put in 50% of the work to keep it going, walk away, get help for any emotional issues you have and stop messing other people up by using outdated coping mechanisms to survive a relationship with somebody who deserve better than to be caught up in a mess you’re too idle to clean up yourself – Man OR Woman.

  • Fatima says:

    Thanks for your article here. But I have questions. I am not in a relationship now. I am a widow. But this is still good to know. You told me what not to do like don’t go behind him, or do not embarrass him openly in front of people or appreciate what he does. But I was waiting to hear what TO DO. So, if the work he did is wrong, how do I correct it without hurting him? What can I actually DO in all of these scenarios you mentioned that hurt him? How can I not hurt him, but still get the work done or speak in a loving way to get the point across? Like.. Instead of this,, do this.. instead of that,,, so this…. ???????????

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  • Dave says:

    The last generation of consistently good Western women was the Silent Generation, immediately preceding the Baby Boomers. From the Boomers down Western women have been infected by feminism run amok. Feminism devolved from female empowerment to denigration of men, and too many women have bought in.

    In healthy marriages husbands and wives should serve each other. Too many modern Western women disagree. They believe men were placed on Earth for the sole purpose of serving women. Women want rights, rights, and more rights but when it comes to responsibilities they whine, moan, and blame men. I suppose having these women get off their lazy duffs and put in a little work is to much to ask in this “You go, girl!” world.

    The majority of Western women are good at complaining, denigrating men, packing on pounds, and not much else. Men are catching on to this sad state of affairs and steering clear of women. I wish I hadn’t caved in and stayed single like them.

    • Mick Thomas says:

      Hi Dave,

      I’m just a guy and a husband. I understand what your saying and have realized a lot of it is true. But that didn’t help me be happy. I recommend you read Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. He really lays out how the last half of the 20th century has impacted our culture, and describes ways to help us (men and women) work through it. It made a big difference in my life.


  • chuck says:

    For all the post prior to mine – I just want to say I wish you all the best. I hope things do work out, and that no one is harmed more than they have been.

    As for myself, I am on shaky ground. I was a happy husband once, married to a woman who I believed had the same mindset and did not want children. I let her know from the start that I had a miserable childhood and had zero interest in risking that past become part of someone’s future. As (bad) luck would have it, we had an oops moment, got pregnant and she changed her mind. I remained consistent in my opinion that I did not want to be a father, but here I am… a father.

    I won’t blame the child (I did misfire), but I can honestly say that I have never been happy since she decided to keep the baby. I have been trying my best by going through the motions – showing up for pickups/ drop-off’s, doctor’s visits etc. – but have not been able to work past her decision to keep when she always knew how I felt… before, during and after. Despite how it sounds, I won’t play the victim card. Instead, I am trying to play the lousy hand I have been dealt. Problem is, I won’t be afforded the opportunity to play them on any terms favorable to me.

    As a parent, I am marginalized. What little authority I have is constantly undermined by her. No matter the wrong that the child has committed, I am always too harsh in my disciplinary actions, or “I don’t know the full story”, or I’m the one “acting out” due to my childhood history. I’m never the one who is correct. Even when I am trying to teach something valid, e.g. how to get home from the corner store, or to clean up after oneself, I’m “putting too much pressure on a child”. It’s gotten to a point where even her own parents tell her that I am well within my boundaries, and that I’m not out of line. That news did not go over well with her.

    Somewhere along the line, I lost the title of “husband”. I am now a butler/ janitor/ chauffeur. I suck it up and try to soldier on… but no matter how well I try to maintain the home (dishes, laundry, sweeping, etc.), or try to fulfill other duties (try to be a handyman to save some $), it’s not enough. I’m always the guy who missed or forgot something, despite literally just finishing off a long list of chores/ tasks. Maybe it’s because I am stupid and choose to regularly handle these tasks when they are away or asleep. Can’t prove you contributed if there are no witnesses…

    Another thing that rubs me the wrong way – after YEARS of arguing against getting a car (too costly, poor parking options, etc.) she pressures me into getting my driver’s license. I do so to appease her, and for the fact that she wanted to get her license too. After that, she does absolutely 0% of the driving. She won’t even help with alternate side parking. What a loser/ sucker I am to have listened.

    It does not bother me that the child favors their mother. That’s supposed to happen in the first several years of a child’s life. Not getting any love? I can survive. But teaching the kid to disregard/ disrespect me? Why not just tell me to get the hell out of your lives?

    I rarely speak at home now as there is no point. Outside of myself and my pets, no one is listening. I literally just communicate everything via e-mail or text so there is no dispute as to what was said and when. I don’t even care if I forget what their voices sound like. I am at a point where I don’t want anything in return. I just want to do my job and then be left alone.

  • dex says:

    When your wife decides to control your sex life men, let her. Tell her she owns your sex life and you will respond when she tells you. DO NOT ever initiate sex again with her. It will be tough, I know but along with not ever initiating sex you receive the added bonus of never having to imitate any non sexual touch, or all the other hurdles she has placed before you to win her over for sex. You are free! Yes, I known not having sex will suck big time but you no longer are required to be emotionally supportive, nor will you have to do things like “date night” or go do things with her that you don’t want to anymore. When sex is taken out of the marriage or wife controls the sex you don’t have to care anymore. Do what you want, after all what is she go to do? With hold sex from you? She already is so man up and do what you want now. The consequence is no longer there. Your sweet wife will eventually figure it out. She has lost her control over you now.
    I told my wife she owns our sex life and I would never pursue or initiate sex with her ever again. It sucks not having sex anymore but I do pretty much what I want now. She first threatened me with now sex for a year and I told her, “make it 10 years and your got yourself a deal!” I laughed and she just stood there with her jaw open. It also drivers her crazy that I don’t initiate anymore. She tells me how unloved she feels. I just roll my eyes and tell her she should have thought about that before she took over our sex life. Men, sex is a commodity, especially to women. It is all about supply and demand. I figured out to take away the demand (sex) and all her supply (sex) doesn’t do her any good now. I’m laughing as I write this because she still is baffled how I gained the upper hand on her. She was so convinced that she could control me with sex she even committed, “sex, i could take it or leave it, its not that big of a deal to me like it is to you.” Well, she certainty found out the hard way about that. Men, show your wife sex isn’t that important and stop all initiating, doting and emotional support to your wife. Be indifferent, not mean but indifferent. I guarantee you will beat her at her own game. She with holds sex, you with hold emotional support and closeness. Be your own man!

    • Dave says:

      Good call, Dex, I’ve essentially done the same. I’m with you, it stinks not having a healthy sex life with our wives but they must know their stupid games will not be tolerated.

      My wife constantly complains and blames me for her alleged deprivation. I don’t play that game. I tell her she’s not a prisoner and is free (and often encouraged) to leave. Funny that she never does.

      • Cabrera says:

        Is this a joke? Both of you? This is all terrible. Wow. What a miserable existence.

        • Dave says:

          Gosh, Cabrera, I wish it were different. But despite my best efforts my wife has decided that I am not a human being worthy of respect. All for the terrible crime of making 95% of the money and doing at least half of the housework. It is kind of a miserable existence having a wife who sincerely believes she knows absolutely everything and refuses to appreciate my efforts. But until she comes off her high horse and stops playing her moronic games divorce will come soon.

        • Mick says:


          Not a joke. There are many men who feel crushed and hurt by their wife’s stance on sex. These guys don’t fully understand that there is a lot of pain and damage because both folks are flawed and hurt by the other. Many marriages start without trust and the trust never develops. I realized this and have worked to understand my role and what I’ve done wrong.
          That said, I’m 50, and have never met a man who is in a marriage where there is trust and a fairly routine sex life. The comments above are more the norm if a guy is honest. Not saying that’s right, but it’s true.

    • Thanks alot for this blogs it helps out alot I’ve leaving a hell with my wife not giving me sex so now you strengthen me I will withhold sex from her now I will never initiate any longer I will beat her to it. She thinks she can manipulate me now because of you I know how to beat her up to never initiate.

    • Cliff says:

      Guys. You are right and you are wrong. You are right that she uses sex for control. You are wrong about everything else. One of you makes 95% of the money and does all the work and I’m sure you rub it in her face. I’m sure you feel unappreciated. Ever thought that maybe, for her own dignity and self respect she needs to feel like she’s an important contributor to the household? If you gave her some control in your house and your financial matters, she would relinquish the only control she has, sex. Perhaps she needs a job to make money just for her to have and control. Perhaps she needs to have absolute control over the house. I thought like you and it lead to her to having an affair with someone who simply gave her kind words of appreciation and affirmation. She said I “overshadowed” her. She felt like none of her opinions or efforts mattered. She felt like she was no more noticeable or important than the furniture. If she suggested something, I would suggest something better. That competitive drive if fine when you’re with the guys, but it’s terrible to do to your wife. She doesn’t discuss her opinions to find the optimum solution or for you authorization. She discusses them to get affirmation and praise from you. Give it to her! My wife would make me a meal and though I liked it, if I was interested in something else, I’d store her meal for leftovers, and make what I wanted to eat. Enough of that and she stop cooking for me. Not only was I not getting her love through cooking, I made her feel little and unappreciated. Over the years this behavior and my brooding preoccupation with work and serious matters that I would never put aside to make time for her corroded our marriage. Leave your stress at the office and devote your attention to your wife at home. Eat the meal and be happy and thankful. Want something else – DON’T KEEP IT SECRET! We men are famous for complaining about how women expect us to read their minds. Guess what. They can’t read your mind or you mood either. Twenty nine years of marriage flushed down the toilet and for what? My self-absorbed silence and my ego! And another thing. Stop measuring love with money. You beat your chest declaring “I give you everything, so you need to love and respect me!” Here’s a secret tip to save you a lot of money and get that love and respect. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you love her. Never let an opportunity slip away to thank her and to praise her. Sweet words of affirmation and appreciation are gold to a woman. If you don’t say it, some sleaze bag will seduce her with it and she’ll cheat on you. So, if you’re still married, stop the stupid games or you’re in for a world of hurt, buddy. Try learning about how women think and you’ll be surprised how you can turn her into the wife you want as you become the husband she wants. Good luck. I did not seek this advice until it was too late. The damage was done. She would not go to counseling. She didn’t care about my efforts to change. She had made her mind up about me years before her affair. This middle-aged man was suddenly thrown into the dating world full of other damaged people wondering if he’ll end up spending the rest of his life alone. Divorce for a middle aged person is not liberating. It’s lonely and it’s sad. I sometimes cry when I think about 29 years of my life gone in a flash because I was so stubborn and thickheaded. Read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.

      • Dave says:

        Cliff, you are assuming many things about us. How do you know we haven’t tried to give our wives positive affirmation, or to listen to them? I can’t ask my wife even the most innocuous question without her snapping at me or staring me down like I am subhuman. I compliment and thank her for what she does in the household. I do not rub the money I make or housework I do in her face, I am just stating the facts here as they are. But woe be unto me if I make a simple mistake.

        I’m sorry your wife cheated on you. That’s terrible. But the affair was entirely her choice. She could have verbalized what she needed instead of expecting you to be a mind reader. The Oprahfication of America has led people to twist their reasoning into knots to agree with a woman’s every justification for an affair. “He didn’t listen to me, he didn’t excite me anymore, he forgot my favorite color..….”. But if a man cheats he is a pig, no further discussion necessary.

        “She would not go to counseling. She didn’t care about my efforts to change. She had made her mind up about me years before her affair.” You put in effort to save your marriage while she chose not to. That is on her. Some day she will look at her new sleaze bag guy and regret having left you. Keep your chin up, go to some post-divorce counseling to get things back together. You will get past this.


    After 25 years of marriage I finally figured it out. Give God the Glory. We were married in a church like most people and God was there and we took our vows before Him and then pretty much forgot about Him and dived into our love affair. After that wore off we encountered all the problems that everyone does in marriage. We are no exception. After reading sacred marriage by Gary Thomas and linking with understanding for husbands to love their wife as Christ loved the Church and surrendered his life for it and wives to submit (respect) their husbands just as they respect the will of God. God is the third person in the marriage. I figured if I love my wife by way of praising God everything works as it should and everyone is happy. Instructions are in the bible, Ephesians. Just follow them and let go of all the emotional weight. Give God the Glory. Amen.

  • Tamara Whitson says:

    The problem, at least in Western nations, is most women have been programmed to have their cake and eat it, too. Men are deemed second class citizens via the media, commercials, laws and other conduits of horrible propaganda. Women cherry pick what rights apply and when they don’t. Long gone are the days when women were expected to respect the men in their lives. Now, men are considered a commodity, easily discarded at any time. Women have been raised believing that men are to serve them. Women are not taught to give and receive respect. That it’s a two-way street.
    Women in certain parts of Asia and some parts of Africa would love to have husbands with the qualities that the men possess in Western nations, yet, Western women take advantage of their men and treat them like trash. Clean up your act, ladies. One day you’ll be old and no longer pretty, and finding a good man will be almost impossible, so appreciate what you have and work to make it great.

    • Dave says:

      Perfectly put, Tamara. I wish I married someone who gets it like you do, or just stayed single. I’d be lonely but at least have peace. I work hard in and out of the home. My wife has everything she needs and most of the things she wants, but nothing is enough for her. I could hand her $1000 and she would whine about not getting $1001.

      She constantly complains and criticizes me. Then the spoiled brat scratches her head and asks “where has the love gone?”. I’ve told her if she wants a perfect man we need to divorce now so she can try to find him. I feel sorry for the poor slugs she will destroy on her quest.

    • Jim says:

      I run a small business on my own, pull in 100% of our family’s income, do all the grocery shopping, pay all the bills, spend quality time with my children, discipline and instruct them, decorate and organize our home, and clean if I can find the time and it’s still not enough. Tried to buy my 73 yo mother a birthday gift today and before I knew it she was losing it with the kids and needed me home right away. I feel like my wife is more like my daughter. I pretty much do everything and she still treats me like crap. She gets mad at me when I call her out about mistreating my family for no reason. She’s jealous, selfish, and ungrateful and I’m tired of it. If I didn’t love my kids so much we would be through.

    • cHRIST'S WAY says:

      Good man . . .

      Christ’s way is the ONLY way

      Conduct your marriage with satan’s rules & you have the mayhem that is self evident in marriages

      Been happlily maaried to my amazing wife for 30 years . . . because Christ’s RULES are our yard stick to negotiate T&C’s in marriage.

      I refuse to give satan and the “marriage destroying spirit of this age” any foothold in my marriage.

      You with the cynical sneer . . . YES YOU !! How long have YOU been happily married?? HUH?? HUH??

  • Chris says:

    Wow sometimes it takes reading comments like this from others to realize that your own situation isn’t that isolated as it seems. My wife and I are going on 16 years together and we I am finally at the breaking point. The worse thing to happen to my wife was social media and cell phones. She is absolutely addicted to them both. My wife isn’t attentive, nurturing nor is she very motherly. She is the complete opposite and seems to have friends who are exactly opposite from her. I cook, clean, take care of the kids 80% of the time nurture them and nearly play both roles. Not to mention I run and operate 2 small companies that keep me pretty busy. My wife quite her new job which was supposed to help with things around the house, so she could “stay home” I was extremely reluctant but with the constant manipulation I caved in. I DO NOT LIKE TO ARGUE. I am a very quiet individual by nature and kind hearted so I write my thoughts out rather than yell them out. So I then took my two youngest kids out of day care which I really wish I didnt. My kids were to be home schooled by her which only last 2 weeks. For the past 3 months they have been watching tv all day and doing their own thing while she sits on her phone and or on social media. The house is a pig pen when I get home. I immediately walk in the door and get anxiety and become stressed. I deal with customers, contractors and other adults all day long ( real estate business/construction) and when I get home to what I hope is peace and quiet I find disaster. I ask for her to simply take the food out that is for dinner and I have no issue cooking it. Day after day. Hey whats for dinner… her reply oh i forgot to take it out. I had to write this post blah blah blah. Your’e home all day long and you can’t simply thaw out some chicken??? She doesn’t clean anything, and instead puts my kids to do everything she is supposed to be doing or says she would do. The clothes sit in the basket for weeks unfolded. The minute I touch them to get them out the way ” Oh babe I’ll get to them later, I’ve been so busy” WHAT??? I’m fed up with it. My 83 year old mentor who is nearly 50 years my senior, has told me to get the hell out of there or suffer and stay. He did it for 25 years and stayed and was miserable. My kids are my downfall because I can’t breathe without them. I swear. I am afraid that if I divorced and she got them they would be at a disadvantage. She doesn’t pay them any attention. She doesn’t cook clean or even bathe them. My youngest came to me the other day and said Dad I need to brush my teeth. I said did you brush them this morning. She said no daddy we never brush our teeth. WHAT?? She doesn’t even care to get them up and dressed in the morning and put them in a routine or anything. All her friends are stand up women who take care of and manage their households and have kids as well. Their husbands work and take care of the financials. Its a balanced approached. Every one of her friends have all said at one point or another, I sure wish my husband cooked and did what your husband does. She smiles and says yea I’m spoiled. I truly believe my wife never wanted to be married. I really dont’ She is type A personality and every conversation when friends are over is I did this I did that. Its so annoying. One time we were entertaining friends and the food was done and ready to be served. I got up and went in the kitchen. There were nearly 10 people in my house. My wife sat on the couch in her phone with her feet up while I piled dishes and food together. Her friend pulled her to the side and said you need to go help your husband girl. Not a good look. I’m at the point where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am constantly stressed. I try to stay away from home as much as possible. I’ve told her about the phone addiction and she thinks I’m insane for saying that. She is on the phone from the time she opens her eyes until she falls asleep and its on her chest. I’ve been to counseling I’ve been to church. Books you name it we have done it. She is living the high life and I am miserable! I’m the guy that wants to be married. Wife kids picket fence dog all that! I love marriage. I’ve stayed this long because of that. She has offered me an out many times by saying you don’t seem to be happy. Maybe we should go our separate ways. I say no we can work it out I’m okay. I guess its fear.

    • Stephanie Dotstry says:

      My husband injures me by leaving physical scars on my face, permanent hearing loss, stealing my social security disability, making my son contribute to household bills with child support, but his biological children don’t contribute financially. He also tells me know whenever I ask for help, yet when I ask for help especially after my weekend chemotherapy & IV Infusion Therapy protocol, he tells me no. I however must always contribute. He even uses my FLMA for his children’s sports events, but tells me he won’t take me to the hospital when I need medical care because we need the money. He says he will take me when he gets home from work. All that said, I find it hard to have compassion for men like my “husband.”

    • Dave says:

      The modern Western woman is as useless as t–s on a bull. Years of rom-coms, Facebook, and other mass media garbage had led them to believe they should have perfect lives. Nothing is good enough for them. When the princesses don’t get everything they want men are always to blame.

      As for the ones who are physically abused I have some empathy. Some. The addiction to bad boys is a large part of their problem.

      • Gary says:

        I just read your comments. “My husband injures me by leaving physical scars on my face……” You absolutely have lost your self worth and like a person addicted to a bottle of vodka you hang on to your “husband”. He is not a husband. He is a nightmare and the destructor of your sole. Run! Save your life! Find help, go to the police and cry for help.. but you must tell them everything.

      • TILLIE says:


        why would you stay with such a man. Sorry but if anyone treats you in such an uncaring manner, why are you there? Leave don’t put up with such. if you stay because your dependent on him for financial reasons, go out and get a job, if physically your not able, there is help out their look, ask, but get away. get some help..

    • Cally says:

      Chris; I thought on May 29th, 1985 that for the rest of my life, I was going to have to hold my husband on a very tight leash when he came home harder than the steel of the submarine hulls he served in. It was his second day home. The first was a terrible fight with his father about going back and reinstating off his Military leave from a UAW shop of 7500 people, The screaming from his father was since he was so set about discharging from the military then he did not need the 30 days that he had to go back to the plant and resume his civilian position, It did not matter that due to the needs of the navy he had not had a day off in five years. He would get plenty shafting people with real needs out of the time they needed off. I did not see my husband on his first day home. His mother had begged him to keep the peace 3with his father for her sake because she did not need him sulking the first year he was home about his defying him. I would still be there, She did not see them starting him back until the next week. HE came home from work the next morning again at 4 AM after being put straight to second shift as his father and the HR director arranged.

      It was the second day home When I was awakened by his mother yelling please don’t hurt your father, She was sure that he would never again interfere in his life if he wanted him to butt out. Things did not have 6to lead to murder over things. My first sight was my husband holding his father straight-armed, pined against his living room ceiling and he’s telling his mother and father if I was bot standing with him in two minutes he would find me using his father as a wreaking bar to tear bulkheads out until I was found and he would not care if his father was still alive when he did. I tugged on his T-shirt and told him I was ready to go and get what he needed to get done with him. He actually threw his father down and let him run for his life. As we left to return the rental he had arrived in, put his final Pays and allowances into the bank and he groused about the fact we had traded his blazer off on a new firebird. He was not happy it was going to be another year before a vacation. and after the next day, we did not know that things would go for the next 24 years and he’s being retired with 35 years credited seniority and no days off except six after brain surgery in 2001.

      HE was again in a hospital undergoing Rehab after MRSA attacked his spine causing his spinal cord to be partially severed and crushed in October 2009. He was going to be there for three years He had not had a holiday, weekend, vacation, or day off since we married in 1982. He did not consider the next three years as days off either but as the hardest work he had ever had to do relearning to use his hands and walk with a walker and cane, and he resented everything we had tried to get him to consider for his time off In mid-winter. Let the people with kids, church, political, and family responsibilities have prime times in the summer, and holidays and use other options he could use as a replacement in mid-winter. By 1987 His father and others had a friend on the county bench issue an order in the best interest of the community my husband was to be one of many military returnees with high seniority, come to the court and make petition from the court to determine to whether the need was there for vacations or time off> H$E refused the courts decision for any time from After the holiday shutdown to the 15th of February as the time he could have off.

      In fact, after the divorce hearing and his petition was tossed out in 1989 He turned around when the judge told him to sit and hear the courts reasoning why he was not going to get a divorce and why he was going to be required by the court to come to the judge and the judge would decide when where and why he would be allowed time off or accept the contempt charge the court was considering. MY husband turned to the Court, His father and mother, and my mother and told us he had nothing but contempt for the lot of us, and the community it had been 8 years since his last day off the day before our wedding, and between the needs of the navy and the dictates of his Father. The Court and me he was not getting the rights under the4 contract and by the Constitution that was supposed to be provided to all. He walked out with everyone fuming he was never going to cooperate under any condition. Just sit there proving he was never going to be what we wanted him to be.

      In 1998, and 1999, he started to get violent and totally insulting about his treatment, about being required to try things a different way other than what everyone else was allowed. 1998 He decided he did not care what the courts or his father wanted he was going to have Christmas dinner at home and not a pair of Turkey Sandwiches handed to him at his work gate. First, he threw the shift manager out the plant door that was working that year telling him he was clocking out and going to have a real Christmas dinner at home and he would step aside, as the manager said the court’s order said he was to work his shift until the next morning. I was putting the Dinner up At 730 in preparation to take the usual sandwiches to him at his gate on the way to have after-dinner drinks when he waled through the front door covered in sweat, coolant, metal chips and oil mist, tossed his father and the judge who was his fathers guest out the front door telling them they were not welcome in his house or at his table and told me if I touched anything before he had his fill he would break both my arms. I was crying telling him I would put a couple of plates for him in the fridge to have when he came home. He just needed to be nice on the day of peace and go back to work there were ways to work things out if he would just listen to people.

      Before things were settled he noticed someone was using pot in his house witch was one thing I had been lectured about allowing in the past. It was four boys that had put their Christmas amounts of money together to buy 2000 in pot. He started searching for what he was smelling with me trying to hold him back saying I would take care of it he should go back to work and stop raising hell around there, we would sit down with him after the holidays and try and work some4thing out nin peace that would work for everyone.

      Those boys 17 to 20 went through several unopened windows when they mouthed off at him in his house He then handed out sponges and pine sole to clean with since we allowed it to be used. Th4en he went6 back to work ruining the holidays for everyone. A year later on December 23 he again was defying his father and the judge deciding to refuse the Cavase at work requiring five younger seniorities to work the Millennials. That time he left 2 deputies knocked out as we waited to leave for the Airport and a flight to Bavaria I had already begged him to consider a place to go after the holidays to replace them with personal time in January Instead of demand his right to the time off and the trip to Bavaria I was going with his family. I said we could do whatever he wanted upon our return if he would just consider cooperating instead of hate spewed at us for not getting his way. As they t6ook him away after being tassed to his knees the hate was really poured out at us in a way a sailor can do with foulness, making everyone feel like we should be slithering on our bellies.

      His mother wrote a five thousand dollar check to cover his costs and a second of 3000 for his being made to stay home, and she even hit his father in the head with a heavy ashtray as he cried in their room we had to maintain control on their oldest son. When we called his local union president from Germany on the 5th we found out he was tearing the community apart with threats of lawsuits, His fathers friend on the bench was investigated and placed under arrest. The local president was having to resign and retire, as was the Sheriff for not giving my husband his Miranda rights. We came back to hell on earth again, This time publicly called slavers with the offer to whip the uppity slave on a wagon wheel he had cemented in his father’s yard.

      We had come home holding out an olive branch to peacefully have him go have a holiday on the Straights of Mackinac. At a B and B, I had reserved from Germany and was willing to discuss the four weeks vacation he had coming for later that spring. Anything to stop his revenge He was taking on the community because he had not had a day off of his choice or any other time in 19 years.

      He did not accept any terms we had to ensure a sense of peace. Refused any peace offering made. Told u the morning after our return and his birthday when we greeted his coming home at 4 AM and we were waiting with a birthday cake for his 45th birthday the day we flew in. He just slammed the door to his room in our face. Told us he was not ever going to stop going directly against the community and our wish’s. He was declaring his emancipation even if we had to hurt to get it.

      When He became ill with a brain Tumer on July 31st, 2001 he had used his fists several times to get friends out of his face about working the holidays. Even the Prior Christmas Eve chasing his father and several Friends down the street for laying their hands-on him to take him to work. The police said he might have the right to refuse to go to work on the holiday, but just because he had turned down the canvas and his father and others decided he was going in any way and leave the younger seniority, Did not give him the right to vehemently refuse to go in chasing them down the street with an ax. He was to keep the peace!.

      In 2001 I had Seen them come into our house shoving me aside on August 6th. In the fight that ensued in his room, one man had a heavy oak bookcase land on his legs hen my husband pulled it down on top of him bre4acking both of his legs, and another took the edge of a VIC 20 keyboard square in his teeth knocking every tooth out, His father and the other man that went into his room walked around the next month with blackened eyes and bruised faces from were they could not stop him hitting him with his elbows because he did not want to return to work until his authorized sick leave was don at the beginning of October 54 days in the future. He had been off six days after a hole was drilled from over his right eye to the center of his head to remove the tumor and relieve the brain swelling. His father and the others were screaming a new hole in his head should not keep him from working and ruining so many vacation plans.

      He could wait and recover from that surgery until after the first of the year, which if he had been a real man he would have held off until then to have the surgery. Then on November 5th, 2001, I spent the afternoon on my knees offering a sex life, vacation and holiday as he chose, Promising to stop interfering in his seniority choices if he would back off just one more time from a job bid, and shift choice. Wait two weeks and sign for a different position and shift in the new plant. Let his father’s friends have that new plant’s startup job in a tool and repair parts crib. HE refused everything offered to say that what I had between my legs was to high a ransom for his freedom and the right to chose what he wanted. Four younger men wanted that new position, They had influential connections, by family, Politics and religion in the area. One was even a sitting city councilman. HE was sort of more than a friend to me since after the things my husband called me and everyone else when he had to work the millennials. I had been paired with that man in Bavaria and I had a one night stand with him the Morning after the New year came in. Somehow my husband found out and singled him out to hurt the worst the next morning. When he kicked him square in the center chest. then double punched him in the exact same place and then kicked him off the deck to jump off the deck landing in the center of his chest with both feet from five feet up. He was refusing to go take his bid down. He left four men in front of our house in critical and grave condition, I was under the front door and frame with my leg broken because I had dared to lock the door aga9nst his coming in until he did as he was told. So He kicked it down on top of me to tell me to drop dead.

      His father showed up and was slammed to the ground after slapping his oldest son over not just doing as he was told. The police could do nothing since my husband had witness’s that attested to his being attacked first, The castle doctrine applied.

      The next 8 years I took his passports and turned them over to his father to put in a safe deposit, to keep him home from Ireland and Scandinavia, in 2003 and 2006. IN 2003 We were met in silence and passing the turnoff to his father’s house We started asking what was going on until we arrived at the bank and my husband yanked his father out of the suburban, Dragged him into the bank kicking his father telling him he was turning his passport over to him. bouncing him off walls. Scaring the bank personnel to death he was going to kill his father with his bare hands unless he got his passport returned. I was promising THe holidays off and a frank discussion of what we could do for his personal time and huge unused vacation. I said we were promising to get him something he would like in exchange for Ireland, He called me a liar that had never kept a promise in my life to him.

      Again the police were trying to get a peaceful resolution to a bad situation, and Called his union president in as well as the union Chaplain to try and diffuse things, All because he would not use other solutions that were pointed out he could use for time off and keep the peace with his coworkers and not press his seniority down our throats. There were solutions for time off he could have used if he would have just used them instead of yell he had rights at me and r=everyne else until we just stood there crying in the futility. In 2003 his father got with or deacon and his foreman who went to our church. They cooked up a way to make him work that Christmas. The deacon had missed so much time on the job that year that he was supposed to work the holiday. It ended up after the rest of the department was illegally given preference over personal time off and filtered out that my husband and the deacon were the last two. The deacon demanded and received the Holidays off because of his duties with the church. The Foreman Told my husband he was not calling anybody back to work with less seniority, that he would just have to suck it up and find a different way to have holiday time after the first of the year, He told my husband he did not give a hoot if he had not had a day off in two decades, He was not going to stand for trouble over his decisions and the contract did not matter. Things Starting Christmas morning went way out of wack when My husband came home 2 hours late from work on Christmas eve, I got up to find out if he had plans of any kind to replace the holidays after the first of the year and to tell him I was not able to keep my promise that summer. I said there was always the Time after NEw years he could take.

      His answer was, go to hell. I asked wasn’t he at least going to try and have a merry Christmas even on the job. He said what’s so merry just another stinking day at work when he should have been off. and He left just as his mother and father arrived to take me to Church and breakfast. I think if his father had come out of the car Like his mother who came to say how sorry she was, that he was having to work again. Wasn’t there a way he could take the time after the New year. and we would make it up to him somehow. He walked away from everyone with his middle finger up. We found out why He was late when our pastor said it was nice to meet my husband at the midnight service. He said He left an Envelope on the Church secretary’s chair. She was the Deacons wife, They were putting their three kids in the front Pew before taking their seats on the dais.

      It was not five minutes later she rushed out of the church with all three children Crying about the photos in the envelope my husband left for her showing her husband going into a motel with another woman. The note said her husband must have needed to pray with that woman because he did not come out of that motel for the week while she was at a church conference in Nashville TN. It ruined the deacons life. She left for her fathers IN El Paso 1400 miles away taking everything, including the kids. The deacon lost his church position and two years later he was about to be terminated, For Drug and alcohol use and missing to much work. On Christmas morning 2005 he was in the church parking lot drunk had his chin over the barrel of a 12 gauge when he pushed the trigger ending his life. We arrived at police tape on Christmas morning. His father said a life my husband could have helped save. was ended just because he was angry at the world.

      Four years later we were backed into a corner about his going on the Orient express In a double berth he had arranged, A young man my husband had trained to take his place the entire summer. Who had 32 years less seniority! Had got himself in a family way with his girlfriend. We were asked if there was not a way to get my husband to hold off on another vacation and let his coworker go instead. WE decided to tell him that he was not going, That we had arranged something different for him Starting on The second of January, 2010 Just Six months from when we left for the Express when we met him in the airport conference room before leaving we were thinking that in such a public place we could mitigate what was to be a terrible fight that he had been canceled by his father and me and was expected to just go back to work quietly and wait the six months for our surprise vacation. I ended up Piled up against a wall on the other side of the room with my shoulder dislocated and his father was being strangled by his oldest son yelling we had no right. It was not him that made the younger man’s girlfriend pregnant so why should he continue to pay for everyone else with what he had earned.

      It Took his brother, brother in law, The union Chaplain, His Committeeman who had come down to help stop any potential trouble at our invitation. They were pleading was it worth his retirement to kill his father over a canceled vacation. They would try and figure out something for when he wanted. His father and I left hurt, His mother was so angry she flattened his father and just about took my head off before leaving with my husband. saying it was the last straw in our discrimination against my husband.

      We came home to no pickup, Had to arrange for a shuttle home to his fathers, and we arrived to a deputy ready with a warrant for our arrest for acting as false agents in canceling my husband’s vacation without his knowledge or permission. I served in County Jail until Labor Day When My husband was not home for a talk when I got out of Jail, he had cleaned out his camping gear and would not consent to a meet. Hiding in a state forest 25 miles away. He Handed me a letter saying I could have an allowance out of the accounts and live in our house unless I chose to leave.

      He was sick by October 24th, 2009 with an MRSA abscess in his spine at L4/L5. He was retired on the day I had planned for him to start a five-week vacation. He was in Rehab with Complications for three years. Even during that time, he developed even more resentments against me for not signing him out of the Rehab on the holidays to be bought home in a wheelchair van. It came to a head-on on January 2nd, 2012. When we took him Sandwichs from the holiday’s meats, trying to explain how his alienation of our guests normally on our holiday Celebrations. Just would not be looked upon as anything but an infringement during the holidays. We needed to find an inclusive way for him after three decades not included except when the trouble started whenb he came home. HE flattened his father with a stainless steel bedpan to the face and I had a full stainless steel urine bottle flung at me. Yelling it was his damn house and He supplied everything I feed everyone and I had not earned the right to tell him he was to be left out of what he had earned. We were not allowed to return to visit.

      I had accepted an invitation to accompany his fathers best friend as the fourth at the table for a community service black-tie dinner where his father and his best friend were receiving awards On February 5th 2013 When my husband was sent home from the Rehan and Mental health center for anger management issues against us. They sent him home in an insurance paid taxi and the first I knew he was home was stepping out straight into his chest.

      I found he was not going to hear anyone out. If it involved his father or any of our friends, then he was going to actively get in the way. I found myself begging and pleading the evening was important to his father. And I was told he did not care, It had been 31 years since our marriage and I had not kept one Promise to him soi why should he let me keep one to his father and his louse of a best friend. I was keeping every broken promise to him and be the supportive wife I should have been the last 31 years. I was going to live up to my wedding vows and was not going to put anyone before him any longer. I was Caught where I could not get to the phone to get him taken back to the Regional mental health. Just until we could get him to sit down and hammer out solutions that could work even for him in negotiation, So I took Off and Before my first step I was bearly yanked off my feet when he shredded my CVocktail Gown He’s yelling That the only arm I was going to be on that evening was his. He was going to take what he had earned from me and the first interference was a dead man and he hoped it was his father saying anything.

      I was standing there trying to hold what was left of my underwear and gown to me begging that things did not have to be in anger that way, All he had been denied was time off and sex. There had to be a way to work through things for everyone’s benefit. We could arrange a vacation right after dinner that evening. WE could do things without the hate and resentments he had built against us. All we needed to do was sit down and talk without the screaming and yelling. There had to be acceptable solutions. to everything, he felt we had wronged him over. I said everything was in response to his being defiant, unwilling to make any form of compromise over his seniority rights to see that everyone had a chance to get their needs met, for weddings and children, I was crying nothing had been meant we just needed some way to gain his and other peoples cooperation and after 2000 he was using his training in the military, to hurt others because he was not getting his way. I said that we knew the deacon killed himself but after having him publicly embarrassed in front of the congregation on Christmas morning, Just to get even that he did not get another holiday off when there were options we could have tried that did not end up with people hurt, bleeding or ruined just because he wanted every right anyone else enjoyed. I said he Isolated himself not trying any other ways to get what he wanted. He told me if i thought i was going to be on his father’s pederast, rapist’s arm that evening over him I was seriously mistaken. He was now the final and only judge and arbiter of everything under the roof he had supplied. That evening was his to do as he wanted not his fathers.

      I was crying and still begging and pleading things did not have to be that way now he was retired with all the time in the world, We could just settle down and grow old in peace. He just kept advancing on me until he grabbed me and shoved me to the floor pleading please not that way he did not have to force anything on me as he separated my legs and had what I would not give, hurting me.

      When he finished he got up and tossed the cordless phone to me telling me the number is 911. Don’t clean up for the rape kit and don’t pick up for scene photos.
      Let’s get into court and see who spends more time in jail. Him for forcing his wife to be a wife. Or me and his father for keeping him as an indentured servant. Stealing what he earned for me, Intimidation and extortion. He was right the charges he could level against me and his father would have netted us decades of prison time, and he would have had a hand slap in return. There were also federal civil rights violations we had to also consider.

      The young man that we canceled my husband’s orient express trip for when I found out that young man had been terminated with a baby coming and was now working two menial jobs all because of a place on a hire list as terminated for taking unauthorized vacation time since if my husband did not take it should have gone to another seniority that wanted it first. Things just seemed so unfair with seniority.

      I could not think of any other way to get at least one man my husband to cooperate, I admit as of December 23rd, 1999. things had gone way too far when we had him jailed to make him stay home from the millennials. Even though the acting committeeman had a special dinner laid out at the union hall and was getting those working time off to enjoy the new years coming to My husband Just about knocked the Supervisors head off and would not attend the festivities since he had 24 years seniority, the highest in his department and he should have had the time off There were just too many with less time in the plant that also had major plans.. I was always the one left on the hook to try and think of something he would take in exchange and eventually it became my and his fathers head on a pike. with nothing able to be achieved.

    • Waw man I am so sorry to hear that this is the exact story I have with my wife except only been married for almost 7 years have two kids with her but her cell phone and social media has gotten her heart so I can say now I’ve lost her, she so idolizing these things i don’t find words. im a Christian I give God the case to restore her heart to me. and worse of all she refuse to have sex with me. I’m so miserable beyond any words can describe. Shes so insidious And she is so happily living with her friends and she doesn’t care at all anymore. help me in prayer please and I will pray for you too if you are having similar issues.anyone God bless i am to see people are having my issues i thought I was alone but now I see so I take courage.

  • George Laurie says:

    My wife is big about pointing out things that I do (sometimes by mistake) that she doesn’t approve of… yet does the same things herself (usually NOT by mistake).
    She’ll leave a mug and spoon in the sink before she goes to work. I leave earlier than her, so I don’t find it until I get home. I begin planning and starting dinner, rinsing off whatever I use and placing it in the sink. We have a dishwasher that gets filled and emptied by me alone.
    When she gets home and sees a bowl and whisk in the sink, next to her mug and spoon, I’m given a verbal spanking for not putting my dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
    When I ask why she didn’t do the same, she says things like “Fu$% you. Here we go, another fight. You’re such a child.”
    I don’t lie down and let her walk all over me like some others might. I’m not looking to avoid a fight. Woman are not automatically correct about everything all the time.
    And when I do stand up for myself, and the shouting back and forth starts… she ends up crying and saying she doesn’t deserve this “abuse”.
    This kind of thing happens on a daily basis. I used to take the blame and do whatever she said just to keep her happy, but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be dragged through the mud and constantly emotionally abused because she feels that it’s ok for her to make the rules but not follow them herself.
    Truthfully, I stopped being in love with her about 3 years ago. She used to be sweet, kind and an equal partner. Now, she’s only like that in front of friends and family. She’s manipulated me into silent arguments in the company of my own family, then made it seem like I have anger problems.
    My own family thinks I need anger management because of the manipulations they don’t see her doing and there’s nothing I can say to make them see the truth because of her “angel” act.
    I’m trapped until I end it one way or another.

    • Gina Benyue says:

      16 years and you still have little ones. I think you wanted to be reparented. I think most men do. They want mommy, daddy and a sex partner all in one. Some want mommy, daddy, the bread winner and a sex partner all in one.

  • Ronaldo says:

    I work, cook, clean, work on my master’s degree and do all the little things to show my wife I love her (flowers, gifts, etc.) My wife works about three extra hours a day and gets paid more than I do. I make $100,000. She makes $175,000. My issue is she does nearly nothing at home. She doesn’t cook, clean, and leaves her mess all over. Now I don’t mind doing all this work because I realize her financial and work hour contribution. MY MAIN ISSUE is she shows almost no appreciation. I have explicitly told her how: make me a nice meal, take me to dinner, bring me some leftovers from work (they are provided lunch every day). Because of this, I have a resentment that lingers and grows, until I finally blow up, yell, and cuss (I don’t call her vulgar names) as she refuses to acknowledge my feelings or her lack of appreciation. At this point, the issue now becomes my anger and yelling, and I am forced to eventually apologize, changing the focus of what got me upset in the first place. I do understand there is no excuse for yelling. We then make up a day later, she might cook a meal to appease me, but that’s it for about another four months. The resentment and pattern then continue until the next blow up. We just married two years ago. I am 43 and she is 41. I am concerned because I don’t want this to continue to be the norm in our marriage, not to mention my high blood pressure. We have been to counseling, so we know what we both need from each other, but I feel she has failed to live up to her part.

    Please help!?!?!

    • Carlos Vega says:

      I have a similar issue ,,, I work sometimes even sundays .. I don’t go anywhere but home everyday after work … I work in Construction ( self employed). Sometimes I fell really exhausted and on pain all over … I do almost everything she want and … I don’t know man … I just feel very sad and depressed many times , she don’t see don’t feel all the pain I go trough to have a decent life ,,, I told her many many times how I feel , then the arguments start and I am always always the bad guy …

  • Kenj says:

    Thank you

  • Kimberly B says:

    I’m so thankful for these insights! I’m certain my husband would agree with this list of ways I’ve knowingly and unknowingly injured him but has never come out and said so. I appreciate the specificity and am encouraged I can make improvements going forward. I want to be a wife that builds her husband up, not wounds him emotionally. I’ve recently been asking God to help me do just that and He provided these insights. What an answer to my prayer for wisdom and guidance! Thank you very much!

    • Just someone says:

      I really wish my wife can read this unfortunately i fall under all these circumstances and more.trying to keep my self together has gotten me lost dont remember who i really am anymore torn between my family and my sanity.hanging in is all i have left i need help

      • Aaron says:

        Your not alone my friend, I’m in the same boat. I trully feel lost and at the verge of just giving up.

  • pam says:

    I already knew all this, I’ve worked in mental health for years. HE STILL CHEATED and watches porn and lies. im the one with the mental problem for staying. I am a complete idiot.

    • Elena Kaiser says:

      Wow, I can relate. I stayed with a cheating husband for 30 years before I finally left I was a psychology major so I know better. Worse yet, after a year of separation I find myself in another relationship with an emotionally detached man who I’m beginning to believe is an alcoholic … Oy Vey, I can’t seem to become unattached to relationships that hurt. And I know better!

      • Jon says:

        Dude thats the same way at my house. I provide everything and my wife takes a big shit on it. Then when I reach my breaking point. Its you have anger problems I dont deserve this abuse. After Im called an alcoholic piece of shit. I spent 20k on a picket fence because her dog bit one of the neighbors. And the dogs shit and piss all over the house because she wont put them outside. But Im the asshole

  • horrible wife says:

    Omg this article is everything I have done to my husband over the last 20 years of our marriage. We have fought over the things I have done to hurt him. I am now searching for answers to help me to fix what I broke. I keep doing things to set him off every day. They are little but they bring up the old feelings. I wish I could back in time redo the conversations and actions I have done that hurt. Thank you for writing this article.

  • Loser says:

    Reading all these comments make a me realize my situation is not unique at all. It’s all so frustrating. I try SO hard it hurts. I never have any time for myself, ever. No matter what I do I’m treated like the biggest piece of shit that ever walked planet earth. I’ve prayed (which I do a lot) for her and the kids. Mostly for her because she suffers from depression and constantly has suicidal tboughts – depending on what day it is it’s either the depression or it’s ALL my fault (75% of the time its the latter). My wife has turned into an abusive self righteous bitch – tho DEMON is more like it. She isn’t my partner AT ALL. Pretty much just the most hateful negative evil person I’ve ever met in my entire life and ALL of it is directed at me… I can’t for the life of me figure out how someone im soooo good too, so caring about, can treat me like such a piece of shit that I almost feel like i may as well just go die. WTF???????????? This isn’t a marriage. Her mood controls the temperature in our home. If she isn’t happy no one is and she almost NEVER is… It affects everything. I’m starting to think there is NO hope. What she doesn’t realize when she’s constantly putting me down is shes 100% MAKING SURE that I don’t succeed in anything i do. There will be no extra money, there will be no surpriae vacations, any projects i have going will be UNFINISHED! The truth is i worry so much about her and keeping her safe, and about what she thinks — that I can’t focus on ANYTHING else until THIS problem is SOLVED and its not going anywhere.. I’m about ready to give up on it all. Fuck it.

    • Marko says:

      Well since many women like to cheat these days which certainly has a lot to do with it. Many women just can’t be faithful to only one man anymore unfortunately. Been there.

      • David Doleman says:

        Leave before it is too late. You are still a young man. Believe me it will only get worse if you stay. Do it for the good of your children.
        Good Luck!!!

        • Em miss guided says:

          Ok ok, Guys! I read all your posts. This is crazy. You know there is no class for women that says how to Respect your husbands. Infact my own parents didn’t teach me what it means to respect a man. And my mother didn’t teach me how to clean. She should have whipped my butt and made me listen and do chores. Instead I ran away from all responsibilities as a child.i didn’t learn how to make routines. And I still can’t make routines. I’ve tried so hard to keep up with it and then it gets forgotten. I don’t think I even meet my own standards. But in all reality I seriously I Had no idea that my words or should I say my complains/complaining was Felt like this. Oh my Gosh… my poor husband is subjected to the very thing I hated working as a dental hygienist. Constantly never being good enough.
          Travis if you ever read this I’m sorry… I’m working on it. I don’t want to make you feel worthless. You are the best person in the world. You are a thousand times better than Superman. I regularly think to my self how does he do it? How does he motivate himself to do all these things? You have accomplished so much and come so far! Your hard work has built a beautiful life for us to create together. And I want you to know that deep down there is awe and respect. I just don’t know how to communicate it to you. And of course I’ve treated you horrible…. please forgive me….

          And to all the guys reading this post— can you respond with something’s us women can do instead of these things? Things you wish you wife would do? It would totally help. It’s one thing to not do something but what can I do instead? Please help I’m only 4 years into my marriage. And I want to stay together. I want to make it work. I want to know what to do and what not to do so we can live the best imperfect marriage ever. I’ve come far. From not doing anything around the house leaving piles of garbage not thrown out to tackling full duty the laundry and dishes! Check and I make dinners mostly in the winter months. Since summer we grill. But I make tacos! I do the grocery shopping and clean the house. It’s not always amazing… but my husband used to say he hated being home and when I started cleaning he hasn’t said that once.
          I’m serious… so please help!

          • Ron Edmondson says:

            Let me recommend the book “Love and Respect”. Also – “For Women Only” and “For Men Only”.

      • Preeti says:

        I am my brother,,, I respect my husband n love him a lot,,, it all comes from our upbringings plus faith a born again Christian woman, n support my husband even if he has failed in any area, I trust him as I trust Christ… My husband does all that is mentioned in this page by many beautiful husband’s of beautiful wife’s… My eyes see all the effort that my husband puts in to care for me,,, he has the same biblical teachings as well… N he loves n loves n love me,,, I hv fibroids n I’m older than him but the peace which we both hv between us is a result of us praying together n reading Bible together… Please dear brother do nt lose hope n take the right path to Jesus,, I hv seen when we surrender all including our marriage into his hands miracles happen… I see it everyday in my marriage… There is no other way to resolve the issues in marriage than to take them to the Creator of marriages…

    • Hopeful says:

      I am so glad I found this blog tonight… My name could easily replace Loser’s. My exact experience to the Tee!..If I didn’t have a mother and sisters I would passionately say that women are nature’s curse on men. I am still in mine, and my 2 Beautiful kids (8&4) are probably the reason I’m still alive…because death does feel better sometimes than being around so much vile and sheer ruthlessness. But I am also a Christian who believes in God and his promises of an expected end. I know he will someday show me the best path to follow. Poor innocent kids…smh. God bless you, Ron for giving some of us a voice. Thank you.

    • Lost man says:

      Loser your not a loser, as much as I hate to say this and as crazy as it sounds, I feel like I can relate to you 100% based of what you posted. I’m on the same boat, idk what to do. We have 2 kids with one more on the way. Every thing bad that happens it’s my fault. My car overheated the other day and some how she flips out on me screams at me like if it’s my fault. I’m having a health problem with my colon so I’m constantly in the bathroom and I will be getting surgery in 3 weeks, I have been suffering with this problem the last 2 years with that being said, she gets angry at me for always using the bathroom and for being in pain. She thinks I’m lieing about my issue and it bothers her that I have this issue. Doctors tell me I can’t fee stress because that will make my pain worse and she constantly argues with me starting off by calling me names, saying f$&k my mother, calling me a fag, and the list just goes on. I try and keep my cool but sometimes by defense mechanism kicks in and I react because that’s just an instinct of a man. I never hit her nor put my hands on her, but when things go over board I tend to get angry and scream or I’ll just go to the gym and punch the bag for hours straight. Also every time I get mad she some how manipulates the situation and makes it seem like I’m the absolute horror in this movie. Deep down I do love my wife, I want to be with her and live old with her but I can honesty admit that I just deal with it because I love my kids way to much and will do everything for them. As selfish as this sounds I can not risk being away from my kids because I know she will try her absolute best to keep me and my kids separated if we ever get divorced. Also as much as I hate to say this, if she doesn’t change by the time all my kids are 18 I will give her a taste of her own medicine by leaving her. I give her chances after chances every single day. I know I’m not perfect neither but I work 70 hours a week, I run a dealership, work on commission, I come home I am a dad to my kids put them to sleep, bath them etc. I come home I try to give her a hug and kiss but if she’s not in a good mood she will just put me off to the side. I’ll admit I do cry often, I feel pain inside, I feel miserable sometimes I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. I know this sounds crazy but it’s true and I’m also scared to do my surgery because I just have a feeling she won’t allow me to rest and get better in peace and I do no want to risk infections, and I don’t want to risk straining myself. Idk what to do. I guess all I can do is just hope, pray and just keep being around my kids as they make me happy.

  • Florencia says:

    When I first married I was a sweet and very happy girl. From the first time my husband behaves like he was smarter, better than me, Used to make “jokes” about me and my country to friends, even make fun of my accents y smiled and took it as a joke. Until one day a lady came to me and told me “ I don’t understand how you are so smart but your husband treats you like an idiot in front of others” at that point I Was so naive that I say I just be an idiot because I think he is nice to me…This is just for you all to see how much I love him. However, with time, I realize he could attach to me, If I came to help in he will say leave alone, if I wanted to give him a hug he will say” do not stretch my shirt” He almost never talked to me beside take the regular day to day conversations like what is for dinner, did you take the trash out, if I started a deeper conversation, he will keep his eyes on me, I could tell he did not care a bit. The only time he will be nice is when he want sex and right after go back to his own self. It make me feel like and idiot and used. Everytime I wanted to talk he will ignore my feelings, will not take responsibility and even use foul language…always feeling attacked even if I was talking about how lonely I felt. Little by little my love died…now he comes to me and I can say I really do not care what he has to say to do. I feel better alone. I pretend I listened but if he were to ask I will not know one word of what he said. I will not deny sex but is one more to do in my list. I am so angry and resentful with him for killing my good heart. I don’t nag o complain anymore I know that this is already a lost cause. I know many can say that love in a choice and you can still love him. But i feel rejected to many times that now I don’t care about him I only feel anger and resentment.. This is to let people know that many times you guys also hurt our feelings.However I think that toxic relationship should not be prolonged and that there is always a chance to find a better companion.

    • Anonymous says:

      Amazing all those points hits me hard as a Hmong Husband. Try to tell her, but she think as being a man I am supposed to handle it like all men should. Also clashes a lot with hmong culture whereas we are Men and we should never express anything, but cars and fishing or hunting.

    • Susan papszycki says:

      Thank you so much for your article. My husband and I are heading down the divorce path due from so many different things. But you are right, and no matter what we can not be an emotional abuser also. I knew my spouse had a temper and was warned to not antagonize him, etc. My mother told me a long time ago that I bring out the worst in him. It’s sad cos we were once a fun couple. After 3 children it should make us closer . I caught him probably being unfaithful (will never know) same home early from work and found his cargo shorts on floor with ladies undergarment in pocket ( not mine or daughters) I was too mentally drained feom orher things happening as t that time (my spine surgery, hip revision, destructive austitic son, work load heavy at work) to leave him. I have bad habit of talking b as d about him in front of kids and also making him feel like a loser when I discuss stuff not in private. I recently found a hollow pen in his work bag with powder all inside of it. Twice in 6 months found a hollow pen in house and not my youngsters. He lied to me cos kids heard it all. He checks my Facebook and then yells in front of kids how I am a drug addict, b*****, etc he does it to get me upset. He knows I’m not a drug addict but take pain medication which makes me feel bad when says it in front of my kids. Then i bring up how he ruined my credit and stole from my credit card paycheck , since we disnt have a bank account job deposited my 2 week check into a debit card. This was in 2014 ( i had no idea he was spending money EVERY MONTH on paypal bought vintage stuff on paypal and after 12 months I finally go online to check purchases TOTALLING 10,350 IN 12 MONTHS. Well did I learn lesson, to check balance everyday, print out statements, etc. He is real bad with money , that year we never had enough for bills but now knew why . now WE ARE IN FORECLOSURE FOR 3RD TIME AND mortgage only in my name and we havent paid in over 3 years. He assumes I will sign up for modification hell pay once and then will start all over again. I cant stop thinking about all this especially the withdrawals behind my back for year!!! He would of kept going on if it wasnt for me finding out. Now reading this I sound like a sucker, yet I know I should not talk bad about him in front of kids. Well thank you for enlightening me .I will be more aware of his feelings. He doesnt want to do therapy that’s on lik y reason why I’m saying all this .

  • Selena says:

    Ohhh my she is really taking advantage of you…I read so many cases here… why why why are your guys still in this toxics relationships. We are in partnership to have a companion and to be loved and love..difficulties and differences and eventual problems are normal but a life of misery and mistreatment are NOT!! It is not healthy emotionally or physically…You guys know how many nice women are there looking for a good guy…A divorce is not the end…In his book how to avoid marrying a jerk or jerkness…we learn We all act like jerks from time to time. The difference between “being” a jerk and “acting” like a jerk is this: “being” a jerk means living in a pattern of jerk-like behavior that has shown that it will not change. ( Epp,2008)

  • AwesomeB says:

    I practice non violent communication, and I say please to her, and I aim to use kind tones that don’t come across in a negative way, yet she still gets in a huff if I open my mouth. I said to her, I can’t even ask you simple questions any more without your anger spiking.

    She always turns everything back around on me and deflects what I’m saying. Blaming me for doing the same, yet… I reiterate. I practice non violent communication.
    She’s always crabby, moody, and I admit, I’m sick of it. I did not sign up for a negative, rude, and unapproachable partner. I”m a kind man, who speaks to others with good intentions all the time. She almost never says sorry. Ever. She’s rather go to bed without saying sorry.
    I’m a patient, and kind soul, but 8 years of this has taken its toll. I’ve been toying with the idea for years to leave, and frankly.. I’m sick of living with her.

    She’s not the right woman for me.

    • Themostawesomeb says:

      I must add. She…: deny, deny, counter-accuses me non stop. Everything I mention is flipped around and turned in to what I do. Never can she stop for a moment and realize she upset me. A wine glass shattered all around my feet, and all over the kitchen. She started laughing.

      That really upset me. I said, “Excuse me, but I’m surrounded by glass. Keep the cats away please, and help me.”

      She took that as I was being rude to her. Excuse woman, but you laughed at me when I had copious amounts of shredded glass at my feed. >.>

    • Frank Is Frank says:

      If you’re married, I mean, you did sign up for for, “Good or bad, thick and thin, untill death!” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      This happens to be eight years of bad and thin. But it doesn’t have to lead to divorce. You can suggest time apart from each other. Real alone time. You get your own place and try to live away from each other. Feel free and breath the fresh air. Find some space. Come back together and reassess your goals, desires and expectations.

      Most people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. “Gone” is a state that most times can’t be recovered from. Live the “divorced lifestyle,” without the affairs or the paperwork, or the money and legal issues. Sometimes, it’s about finding the why you need your partner to be your partner and less about why you rely on them from day to day.

      I mean what are you really trying to get out of your marriage? A slave or a wife? A wife can be there for your needs, a slave must be there for your needs. What about her, what are her range of thoughts and emotions? Have you tried all the solutions? What have you tried to do? Instead of relying on your wife, could you invest in another friendship? Perhaps it’s time to invest your time in your family, grow and become more flexible and understanding for yourself and for her.

      At this current time in your lives you’ve grown away from the people you once were. Now it might be time to review your needs and wants. Unless there’s an affair on the table, there’s always the rest of your life to work it out? Perhaps you both need 2 weeks apart, or maybe 10 years apart. Who knows? But didn’t you commit to being married and being her husband for eternity? Doesn’t that mean something?

      People grow, people change, people learn and they adapt to certain situations. Sometimes it takes moments and other times it takes years. Sometimes it means sticking it out in the trenches and other times it means working on it from a distance; And, for some it might even take a lifetime.

      I feel like I may have jumped a lot of conclusions, but if any of this resonates with you, give it some serious thought.

      Best of luck to anyone going through shitty situations at home. But, remember your vow and the promises you made; Some of us even, in front of the Lord.



    • KingGee says:

      AwesomeB. When I say this is me I’m in my seventh year going through the same thing. Exactly the same things

  • jake says:

    you are so annoying your husband should leave YOU

    • John says:

      My Wife commits adultery with others. She places me at 6 or 7 on Her list of priorities. Daughter, Father, Mother, Church, Sister, Daughters school, nap time, then me. She always has an excuse on why I am not closer to the top. Blaming me. When I ask her for some of her time, she will use my words or comments I said hours or days prior to rationalize not giving me attention or too sick and tired from attending to others. Yesterday, after she ask where the sewing machine that had been in a closet for 15 years, was at. I told her i moved it and cleaned out the closet. I told her I am like the sewing machine. I have reason and meaning in her life, old, useful and always right where she left it, but never used for fun, pleasure, creativity, productivity or needed. I am just something she can say she has and brag about the quality and the potential it has. But never using it. She just does not get it. At this time, it is unfortunate, but it is just cheaper to keep her.

  • Robert Johnson says:

    Just like, see now, allright, you got a girlfriend, you good to her, you got a wife, you good to her, and you give her anything she say she want, where you have lots of confidence in her, where you lose that confidence in her, where that hurts you, ya understand, ya see, and if you can play music, the more you play, the better you feel, you understand, because you beginnin to play it off your mind, that’s the way the blues are, when you get off to yourself then, and that is, you hit one a these thangs here, sit down and play you two or three pieces, your mind is tellin you to get up and put it down, you got that off your mind what you thinkin about, that’s the way the blues is, a lot of people don’t even know what the blues is, but that’s exactly what it is.

  • S. Rollins says:

    This article is about how a Woman injures a husband. Please keep the “defense of the girls team” comments for the other article that is about men inuring women…. It takes a real woman to have her own objective honest view and not have to immediately “jump on the band wagon” of the “You go girl” attitude, and immediately go against the male and take the female side of things. These types are usually the women that hate when their husbands do what may make them happy like golf even though it does not infringe on family or their couples time together just because the woman may not golf, or whatever hobby or passion their husband may have. Some women just like to say “No” to whatever their spouse may say just to try to dominate a situation or stress some kind of independence even though they know their spouses suggestion was a good one.

  • Cheri says:

    I try very hard to know what I need to say so I can ask my husband the best way possible what did I do to hurt him or try to help him understand why I am hurt over arguments that many times leads to very childish behavior and words on both our parts. He may say I do no wrong but I always begin with apologizing for my part immediately I feel terrible I usually have a very heart felt apology that he apparently doesn’t hear or recall. I’ll research the issues i have to change and pray that I find the answer to staying calm not react to his mean comebacks. I don’t blame him for his part, I realize he’s where he’s at and can only see what he’s aware of and I can only change me. I’m trying to learn all I can about who he is so I can figure out the right communication style that he reacts to better, apparently without much help from him though which is really the tough part. He’s either quiet, too busy watching tv, not in the mood or too tired to ask him why he gets they way he gets, I let him know I’m just trying to understand him. I know I need to look into the possibility many of the things a wife does to hurt her guy because I’m unwittingly guilty of doing some of those things, so I will stop myself from hurting him. He takes my questions about why something upset him or why I’m hurt to the point of throwing things and even laying his hands on me. I’ll admit I have issues that need help, I have little fear and I don’t back down when I’m sure sirens are going off. I go from being a great communicator to a tantrum it’s so frustrating but I know God gives us our other half so together we can be the best we can be that means it’s a lot of work til you figure it out. I’ve learned more about myself through this than all the years without him. I wish I had the magic words to just talk through one fight or disagreement without him being defensive. I know we are at a point that resentment is present since nothing gets talked out. Although we spend most our time together we are growing apart. I hope I’ve made sense any ideas that could be pointed out to guide me or we may just need a professional intervention.

  • Jedd Clampett says:

    Read the article.
    Pretty much sums up my marriage.
    Read some comments…… Again, sums up my situation.

    In the end, an apology would nice rather than justifications for this behavior.

  • Rick says:

    This is not about me.

  • Doomed says:

    This whole post would be argued by my wife, “Deny, deny, counter-accuse.”

    • Tripp says:

      Right there with you… 🙁

      • SomeDumb30YearOld says:

        I hate my wife for doing all 7 of these things. I hate her most for the deny, deny, counter-accuse. Honey, you upset me and now you’re angry for me being upset, and now that I’m calm enough to explain why and how you upset me and what and how you could do differently the next time you feel the need to do that, all you want to do is deny you did anything wrong, claim I was the one who upset you, and then twist everything around until it’s my fault that you cornered me while I was doing my own thing and yelled at me until I yelled back at you. Seriously, go eff yourselves.

        My wife makes me hate humanity. I hate all the people who suggesting talking and conseling. What kind of white collar job do you have where you can afford a counciler who’s good enough for your wife’s expectations? What kind of sissy are you to need to emote your feelings to another person in the first place? Telling someone else your weak spots makes you vulnerable, and if my wife has taught me anything it’s that you can’t trust anyone to be gentle with your emotions. I wish I had never met my wife. I wish she didn’t know how to press my buttons and hurt me in the blink of an eye. I wish I wasn’t so recipricol and didn’t do the same things back to her. Just today, we fought and at one point she told me “I make every day of her life miserable,” to which I retorted something along the lines of “I wish I never met you. You make MY whole life miserable!” Of course, a few hours later she brings up what I said to tell me I was mean. Flabbergasted, I can’t even talk to her because I only said it in return for what she said… which of course, she denies saying. This bitch makes me feel like I am going insane. When we’re the only 2 people involved in an argument she later acts like she was blacked out or something and makes it seem like I was the only one talking. FFFS, I’m in introvert. I want to be left the hell alone most of the time. It’s hard enough doing the things I do do; wife, kids, social functions, work.

        For the record, if you spoke with my wife she would mirror image everything I’ve just said. She would be the one feeling this way and everyting would be my fault. But, the kicker? When she’s doing this twisted thinking, NO ONE ELSE is allowed to feel like she does. For instance, a few days ago I had stayed up late doing some work at home. She was working an overnight shift, so she was up to. I ended up getting 2 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and get to work in the morning. I was a bit groggy. She noticed and asked “what’s wrong with YOU?” (i don’t know how to italicize, it wasn’t yelling, it was just attitude.. the kind you can hear in your spouses voice after being together for over a decade). I replied “I’m tired” to which she says “YOU’RE TIRED?! (now, yelling) I was up ALL NIGHT!” …. *sigh*, I just don’t care. I understand she’s tired. I know she was up working. She, however, does not know I stayed up all night working, so isn’t prepared for my tiredness. But, should it matter? Can’t I be tired without it being a competition about who is more tired? Like, you’re tired so I can’t be tired? We have the same kind of argument over all sorts of things. Oh, you want to clean, so I need to want to clean right now too? Oh, you want to do activty-X, so I need to do it too? Or, oh you are upset about thing-y, so I need to be equally as upset about it? Get a bleepin’ grip. I don’t know when my wife started acting this way. We’ve been together a long time. There was love at some point. Must have been, right?

        We have kids. I’ve read enough “I regret divorcing my 1st wife” stories to not want to get the big D, but again for eff’s sakes. What does one do? It all seems very chicken and egg to me. She wants love or attention or money, so she whines and whines and nags hoping that enough of it will make something happen. She wines and vents with the intent of someone else doing something as the result of it. That’s it right there. In turn, I resent her behavior and refuse out of pride and stubbornness to reward her with affection. She thinks I don’t love her. I feel like how could I act affectionaly towards someone who is constantly being so negative. Negative towards me, towards our kids, towards life in general. If I have to hear her say that she isn’t happy or that her life isn’t good because of something someone else is doing one more time I think my hed is going to explode. I swear. We’re not rich. She’s always worried about money. We’re not poor either. We make enough to get by. I understand that if I don’t do something different than what I’ve always done then I will be no better off than I always have been. I want to start my own business. I want to be financially independent. I want to make enough money that she doesn’t need to be worried about finances. But, at the same time, even though I am chasing my dreams for me (for me, for her, for me, whatever I’m making progress whether she belittles my work or not… ), it is very hard to be focused, and productive, when you’re constantly bombarded with someone devaluing your dreams or what you’re doing or telling you that you need to go do things over and over that just seem soul sucking (talking about corporate life.. I’ve still got 1 foot in that hole…). Sometimes I just want out. To be done with it all. Being alone couldn’t possibly feel more lonely than how I feel when I end up doing everything that’s important to me by mself because the people who are supposed to be there for me treat me like I’m some kind of servant here to serve them. I told my wife today, “I don’t care if you believe in or are involved in what I do. I don’t need your approval. I just want you to not be negative towards me. If you have a negative opinion, such as telling me my work isn’t real or important, could you please keep it to yourself? Can you do that for me? Yes or no?” And it was like pulling teeth to get a simple “yes” or “no” out of her. I even told her I didn’t care what her answer was, I just need to know, so I could mentally prepare myself to deal with her. I finally got an “I’ll try” which everyone knows is equavilent to “probably not.” That’s another consistent thing I dislike. I could ask her a super simple very direct question and it is darn near impossible to get a simple “yes” or “no.” It’s always a “well, you…” or something of the like. It’s part of the deny, deny, counter-attack method. I don’t speak just to hear myself speak. When I say I want you to do something or ‘please do X, so Y can happen’ I mean it. Most of the time it’s “please leave me alone for a few minutes, so I can calm down because you’ve overwhelmed me with all the things that seem to be bringing your world to a hault that before 2 seconds ago weren’t even on my radar…” but that’s like asking a rock to turn to gold. She’ll just stay. Stare at me. Tell me I have some kind of problem or issues or need help. I want to destroy her in those moments. Mostly, I just want her to not be so negative. I’m not too naive, I know everyone posting happy pictures on facebook isn’t happy all the time. The grass isn’t always greener. Watering brown grass can make it greener. Yada, yada, self-help blog post comment BS.

        I also feel like I’m one of those “I’d do everything to make her happy, but nothing is ever enough, so what’s the point” people. Again, she has expressed she feels the same way. I really feel like the only times I get mad at her are when she’s already going off at me. I’d rather just ignore and avoid. Which may or may not be the healthiest way to deal with things, but after you’ve tried the talking and compromising way a few dozen times, it seems like the better option. I don’t want a divorce. I’d rather stick it out. I just need her to leave me clear alone until I figure out how to be successful and show her the good life or else I’m never going to have the mental clarity to pull feable weak man mind together long enough to form a complete opinion. In order to take the steps I believe are necessary to bettering yourself and your future I want to be surrounded by positivity. Positive people doing positive things in and around the world I want to be a part of. I want encouragement. I don’t want people telling me to quit on what I believe to do the “safe” thing. I don’t want to be homeless or put my kid’s in harms way as a result of being temporarily poor, but it feels like some dreams are too big to achieve when there’s so many external forces trying to drag you down. /end-rant. I’m going to go cuddle the dog. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m not asking for suggestions or for you to do anything. (See, there’s a stark difference between my venting and my wife’s. If this was her writing, she’d be demanding you tell her how to fix things and then that you be the one to fix them. Okay, okay I’m really done for now. See you next time, maybe.)

        • Eric says:

          SB30YR, I feel your pain. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Your wife sounds a lot like mine. Probably Borderline Personality Disorder (mine, that is). She is never accountable for ANYTHING. if I feel bad about the marriage, its my fault. If she feels bad about the marriage, its my fault. Heads I win, tails you lose. The deny and counter-accuse? Oh yeah.. she projects big time. Everything toxic that she does, she accuses me of doing. Now her hate is spreading. She was so verbally abusive to our daughter a few months ago, that my teen daughter, who is a great kid and has never given anyone any trouble, ran away from home. i was able to talk her back in, thank God. But wife won’t accept that she did anything wrong. Its all daughters fault. Daughter is the one who has issues and needs professional help. Hell, she only did what I have felt like doing many times over the years. This is why I too will not initiate a divorce, because if I left wife with the kids, she would turn all her hatred and toxicity on one of them, or all of them. They do not deserve that. They did not ask for this situation. I made it clear to wife that since she is the one who is unhappy, she can leave. I am not abandoning my family. So, my strategy has been to focus on my own well being. I spend more quality time with kids whenever I can, I work out, I take a massage (legit) every few months, I hang out with friends, I have joined a club or two to make new friends. I am careful not to let her provoke me, and I have a recorder app on my smartphone, so whenever she goes apeshit and makes threats etc. I have a record for custody battles, or if the police are called. I keep all of her toxic e-mails and texts. I will have evidence that she was the aggressor. Take care of yourself, brother. Plan for the worse, press your kids to your bussom and get to know them better. Be the best Dad you can be, allow yourself a luxury or two. You have earned it many times over. Ok, now I’ll stop.

          • BB says:

            Are you taking responsibility for things that ARE your fault? Your marriage problems aren’t due to your wife alone.

  • Teresa Loudon says:

    Great post. Eye opening. On that note how you fix the damage done if by chance you have done one of 7 or even (without realizing) 6 of the 7.

    • Selene says:

      It is true BB no only one person is to blame, but I know how hard it is to deal with a borderline personality. It just kills your own personality and your soul. I believe in cause and effect and one person actions do have an effect on the other person. Negativity is from Satan. I have read and I am very well verse in this kind of psychological problems and it is like living with Satan. You are using some good techniques to protect yourself and the children. That is very very kinds. It is true no only one person is to blame, but I know how it is to deal with a borderline personality. It just kills your own personality and your soul. I believe in cause and effect and one person actions do have an effect on the other person. Negativity is from Satan. I have read and I am very well verse in this kind of psychological problems and it is like living with Satan. You are using some good techniques to protect yourself and the children. That is very very kind. There is a good book about this ” walking on eggshells” it will give your more insights about how to set limits and safe boundaries how to detach from all the toxicity. Good luck to you

  • Matthew says:

    Hello there…im reaching out for some help…for the sake of anonymity my name Husband Blue. Now ive been surfing the web for some answers and help. I came across your 7 ways to injure your husband and it was rather enlightening on some of the 7 and others not so much. Not because theyre not true or wrong they just dont apply to me. Now i need some help because i feel as if im getting to my wits end of my marriage. Im the kind of guy who always puts his wife first. I love her dearly but she doesnt feel or at least doesnt show it the same way. Now for example ill go buy her flowers n shell say thanks and theyre pretty and a month later clean the entire house or make her a bird house which ever the case maybe…no idk if ita greedy or what but im a cuddly loving guy and she is too…or at least used to be…now she wont cuddle hold hands even tell me im handsome or cute or w.e…ill initiate a hug or kiss and that spark isnt there it seems. Like she cant wait for thw kiss or hug to be over. Ill rub her feet and back constantly and she wont even scratch my back…and sex forget it i have to beg for days and im done doing that….CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME shed some light on the matter PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE i need help or some amswers

    • Nicole says:

      I just read the 5 love languages and am excited to apply the principles to help bring back harmony. Today I initiated a real and somewhat difficult discussion since finishing the book and a few hours later my husband sent me a message about how it brought it a breathe of light. It’s an easy read, definitely worth a shot. Hope it helps.

  • Christina says:

    While browsing through the comments, I am appalled that instead of sympathizing with these men, many are bashing them or bringing up problems on the other side, as if that somehow negates what they are going through. My heart breaks if that is how we women deal with men who honestly bring their problems in hopes of finding a solution. The sad thing is there are far more articles online that tell men how to mistreat, use, and neglect women than those helping good men to overcome painful experiences like this, and we won’t solve this problem by further condemning and not helping or feeling for them.

  • Tonya says:

    Thank you for the post. I will try to remember these things going forward. I know that how he feels and how I feel can not be blamed 100% on each other. We have to take responsibility for our 50% in the relationship and work to make it better.

  • Amanda says:

    Badgering? If you ask your husband get something that you, the family needs and he doesn’t and you ask again and he doesn’t. That is not badgering. You have a right to be kindly assertive. Badgering. No that is not badgering.

    • Dane says:

      I think you may have not heard the writers heart and intentions.

    • Juan says:

      Marriage will never work when one party has an inflated sense of entitlement. You appear to suffer from this. Has it not occurred to you to speak to him as to why the task hasn’t been done?

      • Callie says:

        My husband felt entitled at work over friends of mine and his fathers friends who all had less seniority under a UAW contract, every holiday, every vacation he wanted I had to promise a sex life in return for him giving something up, after two years he was done with that kind of blackmail and stepping off the plane from Rome I was refusing to keep my promise to go any place, any time and any way and be the sex partner he had expected coming back from the navy and start a family> I had promised this as the reward to let a young female friend go to Rome instead of my husband with her Fiance’ so They could get married and have a honey moon instead of have to wait until the winter and take the time their seniority would enable.

        MY husband was setting the rest of the departments holiday time back 3 weeks just to take a unplanned western road trip the day my foot hi the ramp From Rome, after i refused to let him ruin so many plans that lesser seniority had with their famillys, That time he was not going to let the promise of a sex life wait until after the first of the year when ewe were suggesting he could take his vacation, If he had just tried to work with us for a solution for his vacation without causing pain to other people. We did not make home before he shoved me on a bus to my mothers with a one way ticket from Indiana to Virginia.

        It hurt he was not going to consider any thing but what he wanted even for the future of a normal life starting that January. HE would not consider any options he had for the mid winter time frame when it was the lowest vacation time demand. HE said he wanted a wife that would stand with him not always against him listening to the lice his father and his friends were.

        After A brain surgery in 2001 it was his father and his friends worrying about what would be said about the way he handled his oldest son who just had a little hole drilled to the center of his head, He could stand up, walk, he could speak and he could load his machines if needed somebody else could make the adjustments, to keep his parts on size. He was supposed toi have 60 days to recover but six days later his father back handed me to the floor and after a nasty fight in his room he was taken out with his arms twisted behind his back yelling at me to call federal authorities to report an abduction. I could not do it on friends and family and when he turned it in the FBI could not get a single witness, they said it was something the local police force should handle as a domestic problem. Three months later he had turned himself into a weapon, working out every day, practicing Katas he had learned getting his black belt That’s the year everything crashed. Our return was to being jailed for acting as false agency. He let himself get so depress because he was not getting his way in his rights He lost his immune system and he developed MRSA in his spine, I was ternmed the filthy community tramp that let everyone else have what she did never allowe her husband, Two Weeks after his return from Rehab and then a two week stay in a Regional mental health hospital I was getting ready to go To an awards dinner with my husbands parents and his fathers best friend> I steped out of my room to my very angry and sarcastic husband whoes first words leaning on his cane was, “good, I was re4ady to go out. he had not even been to a movie in 31 years, where were we going,”

        He knew full well we did not expect to pick him up till the next day at the earliest, That time I was not getting to have my way. He Raped me first tearing the dress i was going to where that evening to shreds leaving me begging it did not have to be this way why couldn’t he just talk things through with us for once. why did he always have to think we were denying his rights when he would not ever let us think of solutions for what he wanted without causing other people problems. He told me that evening that he had the only solution His Seniority under the UAW contract and now he was retired he was going to have his way in his life. I was trying to cover myself and I pleaded that there could be other arrangments that evening , I had A couple of hundreds in my purse and he could take one and pick a place to meet in four hours so we could try and find a way to allow him what he wanted over time. He told me he had been done talking since he was forced into work at shotgun point on Thanksgiving 2001. and nobody would stop the abuse. I said he got even with most of them using a machinist hammer to make sure they stayed away from him. Couldn’t he just talk for once instead of hurt us.

        He had his way with me taking me to the floor that evening then he hurt his fathers friend for trying to enter without my husband saying he could. A 4X6 flap of skin was peeled back from his forehead and A concussion from throwing him face first into the drive.

  • Can't say says:

    Ok. So my wife badgers me and in all honesty I probably need the kick in the pants sometimes to get things done. I don’t procrastinate, I take on too much and then freak out over how to get it all done. Here’s the deal. I’m self-employed so my job and schedule is generally pretty flexible. That allows me to virtually never miss important moments in our kids’ lives or I’m able to be there when one is sick so she doesn’t have to juggle them all at the doc office, just the ill one.

    What gets me is that I get 0 respect. Things are her way or no way. When she wanted to quit her regular job and spend nearly all our savings investing in her dream job innever batted an eye. I 100% supported her and encouraged her to do it because I knew she’d wanted to do it so long and until then we’d never been in a position where she could.

    I think that’s what husbands should do. Supper theirnwives dreams and if possible help them reach them.

    But does that go both ways? Not in this house. I don’t want to quit my job for a new career but I’ve wanted to make other large purchases as I see we can to pursue dreams and interests I have and if I even hint at it it isnmetnwith a scornful ‘why would you want to do that?’ ‘You won’t follow through’ <– btw, I've never not followed through on anything ever in life, just not my personality to quit. 'That's so expensive, can't you just get a cheap one?' 'You're not going to be able to do it and get it going well' <– referring to a hobby that could turn into at least some side cash…

    When I receive extra money for some reason (bday, Christmas, work bonus, unexpected side work) I'm 'selfish' if I want to spend any part of it on me. Or if I haven't figured out what I want to buy with it she knows to the penny how much I have and comes up with things to buy and when I reach for the debit card she'll say, 'you have your cash don't you?' To which no response ever helps me.

    If she wants to spend large $ or small $ on something she thinks is important that's fine. She asks me but I know of better say yes because no gets me in trouble. However, if I mention spending it is criticized and meg with us not the &$$ for this or that thing.

    When I bring up something I want to buy she'll pacify me till she thinks I've moved to something else or lost interest. Truth is I don't move on. I've had literally one hobby I've been trying g to pursue for longer than our marriage. I just give up andinter Alize it and it hurts.

    If she wants a glass of water and asks me for it I get it (because I love her). I know better than to ask her because it won't happen and I'll receive a lecture on how tired she is.

    Which I won't deny how tired she is. She works and takes care of the kids. But I do too. I work 70-80 hours a week often and often do my work that I don't finish between 8-5 from 9pm-3am so that I don't miss any family time. My dad couldn't always be there for family time and it's portent to me that I am. But bringing up how tired I am would only be met with an eye roll and comment about my job's easy. Which it isn't, FYI. She expects me to rearrange my schedule to accommodate her work. I don't mind but she doesn't appreciate it, doesn't say thank you, doesn't care when her works interferes with my work… it's has put me in jeopardy of losing clients even.

    Nothing I do is recognized. Only what I don't do is pointed out. I don't sleep in on my day off. I don't go off with 'the guys' for a night or weekend like so many men do that I know.

    I change diapers, I do 98% of the cooking because she doesn't like too, I mow the lawn (duh), I maintain the cars (duh), I clean the kitchen. She washes most of the laundry but I fold and put away all but hers.

    I know husbands who don't do crap around the house and leave regularly for guy's nights/weekend hunting trips, etc… yet they get no grief from their wives about it… I DON'T do any of that and I catch all kinds of crap for what I don't do.

    To top it all off the sex is suffering. It is so infrequent these days I don't know what to do. If I bring it up she either reminds me how selfish I'm being and how tired she is or she sighs an 'I guess' with an eye roll. And then I do all the 'work' and it's over. It wasn't always this way but when I bring any of my hurt over it up I'm told that I'm making her feel like a failure and just acting like an animal. Hey look, I get it… men would have sex every hour on the hour if our wives would but women aren't always wired that way. I'd never insist to get that way. But we are now 1 x per month. Almost 0 in may…

    She's in full control in the bedroom. If she wants it we do it. If she doesn't we don't. She doesn't concern herself with caressing me or touching me or doing anything to reciprocate foreplay but I'm expected to do all that for her.

    Here's the deal. I would never even entertain cheating. My eyes don't wander to other women. No porn. I would never consider divorce either. I love her and am committed to this marriage even if nothing changes.

    I read the husbands hurting wives list… I don't cut her off, correct her, laugh at what matters to her or put her down in front of others (or at all)…

    So why am I getting the grief? In this marriage, she's always right, never apologizes (literally ever… even refuses to sometimes), she can pursue her dreams but mine don't matter, she controls sexual fulfillment and my needs are selfish and irrelevant.

    I honestly don't know how to just cope and get over it… I'll check back for replies as the last thing I need is for her to see my name here!

    • Secret says:

      I have a hard time believing all this and would be super curious to see what she would write about you, but if all this is true your wife is a total biotch. And needs to get some perspective. I would die of bliss if my husband put thst much effort into the kids and house work and cooking. You put away the laundry? Snap! But my husband has PTSD and spends all his energy at his way too demanding for one human being with shitty salary pay job (retail manager). So he doesn’t have that energy and i get that. But it sure does fucking suck to ask for a break from the kids and see the look of defeat and unconveience and irritation in his face and the monotone voice.
      You should go to couples counseling… maybe she will hear you there. Sometimes i think couples should swap just to get some perspective.

      • Not a chance says:

        He sounds like he is describing my wife…except for the sex thing. I’m still getting sex, but it is always about her. So, no I think everything he said is true as far as he sees it.

      • Christina says:

        That’s kind of mean that you dismiss what he wrote just because you don’t believe it. I understand that men can suffer in relationships, too, not just women. Perhaps it is more rare, but there are probably good men who justifiably are upset at how their wives treat or behave towards them. Questioning them about the validity of their story doesn’t help them, especially when you say you want to hear her story, as if that’s more believable. You’re suggestions are great, but I just wish we could be sensitive to men when they share their needs like we do to women.

      • love one another says:

        I know too many men who put up with that, so i believe what he is saying, as far as how HE sees it. She sounds ungrateful. Too many ladies are like that today.
        You are on the same team with one another.
        Each should be putting the heart of the other person before their own.

        We have spent the last 50 years changing how men should view things that they feel guilty for wanting what comes naturally.
        Men only need a few things to feel loved, yet men have to jump through 17 hoops a day to prove his love lol. only a woman would make stopping at the store a declaration of love hahahahaha.

        Secret, I am sorry your husband has PTSD. Tell him thank you for his service. PLEASE dont keep a scoreboard of what gets done and by whom. That is so fruitless, and drives the wedges deeper. Love your husband. You sound like you miss your husband, of course i do not know what you have gone through. Be thankful he is home, and know that laundry and dishes are the smallest parts of our lives. Envision the future and just love the man, even when you think he doesn’t deserve it, or being lazy so to speak. Resentment is a cancer that quietly grows and will consume you and your relationship if you let it. Obviously you love him, but try harder to understand him, and not make him feel guilty for not being emotionally available for the kids. He may be protecting them in retrospect if he knows he’s not quite right in his emotions. He may depend on you to be his buffer. There are many people who will watch the kids so you can have a break. Respect him for working whether you think it is below him or not. i can hear the venom in your text, so i am sure he feels it too. I am NOT taking away from anything that may have made you this way, but be less harsh, i felt embarrassed for your husband just by reading your post. You loved each other….let him find the girl he fell in love with again… try to see the young man that made your heart skip a beat….. he’s still in there, and so are you!!! LOVE EACH OTHER!!!! Tell him you love him, tell him what a help he is to you….he will form to it! Brag on something he does to your friends. Build the man up! Tell him that you appreciate him working everyday, tell him you appreciate his service by recognizing what it has cost HIM rather than just what it has caused you. There are always two sides, but you can only control you….. wishing you the very best. do not squander your years…. they are too precious! One day he won’t be here for you to be mad at…i know!
        Be blessed!!!

    • Endurance says:

      I believe you and many things in your situation mirrors mine. My wife has stepped up in some areas and in others its still a downhill slide. Sex is one and I’m embarrassed to say has not happened in a little over 3 years! Yeah, you read that right. Married 7 years, I have never cheated on her but when I say after -3 years in that I don’t have a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other constantly fighting I would be telling a massive lie. We have sat down to discuss (everything) multiple times and still zero. I pretty much feel like a hostage. You’re not alone though and I hope these comments give you some peace if only for a little while.

    • The Dude says:

      Bout sums it up for me. Glad, but sad to know there are others out there in the same situation. Came home from my second job and wife criticized me for not being around and for my one hobby (soccer 1 night/wk). Meanwhile Ive taken out half my 401k, work 50hrs/wk, entertain her family nearly every weekend, change diapers left and right, clean the house, maintain the yard, cars, money and say no to every thing my friends want to do. Golf? Yeah right. She doesnt work anymore and has no plans to (hence the 401k loan). I take care of our child multiple hours per day but yet she cant get a thing done around the house. Bring up possible depression? No effing way that’ll go over well. The sex lures you in, but when that is gone (long gone) you’re left with a wife who’s pissed off all the time. Never says sorry, just get mads if she does something misaligned with how she wants to act. Might need to go the opposite approach and be gone more and take some time for myself.

    • Dan says:

      I’m the same I do everything that’s asked have done in previous relationships. Instead of expected mutual equal respect I end up becoming the submissive husband and no woman respects that in my opinion. We lesser ourselves go without in order to please others but in doing so disempower ourselves. Hence why no sex we are now seen as less equal, lacking leadership looking for green lights it’s OK to have sex or an opinion

    • Guy says:

      Sounds very similar to my marriage……

  • David says:

    My thing is my wife disregards my feelings when i am angry and she does not get it, im just a asshole. I pay for everything granted but still asshole for being mad about things. Like towels and clothes, and her daughter moving back in a turning my world over. She can say things like god knows all your money does is pay the bills.
    Yep thats right 1700 lease note
    900 mortage
    500 car note
    insurance, cable tv and on and on, but she says it like its a bad thing right, like its not enough we own a home rent a home and she has a new car, and all the beauty shit 20 women could ever need in one lifetime. Tanning bed, and just all sorts of junk to me. But i don’t do shit, you know its nothing, i mean if was not there and the check stayed clearing the bank, i don’t think i would be missed. If i express this in anyway im irrelevant, i have no right, bla bla bla/ I love her i do, but man, i can go weeks without speaking to her, i think my longest was 5 days, but i could have kept it up, she angers me so much. I am not irrelevant i am the source of our life and it would be nice to find my towels in the linen closet not in her kids bathroom, why do i have to use the old dry rotten towels the rough ones? right, yall knwo the ones she just dont want to throw away been having for two years, them. Im pissed about this and other things, but i dont have the right, that her kid moved in and now is changing everything in my home, and im the bad guy for not liking it. I mean are women just igorant or they just dont care? Its one or the other, and im not sure which is worse right now.

  • Jimbo says:

    I am pretty much at my limit. My wife can be the sweetest person but can snap at me for anything and everything. I am not a source of support but a place to vent anger. When we disagree on tbings there isnt a middle road, only her road. When she wants something I am supposed to drop whatever I am doing to tend to her needs. I make her breakfast every day and when I dont she complains. I do the vacuuming and floor cleaning because shw complains the vacuum is too heavy. I do everything I can to make her happy but it is never enough and I never get any praise for what I do. We fight constantly and I just dont know how much longer I am going to endure this.
    I agree there are things we men would rather not do. But the constant nagging doesnt help. Not everyone is wired the same way and not everyone has the same drive at doing things.
    Women posting here should really take a look at themselves and heir own behavior. There are plenty of things you could be doing to make both of your lives easier. Dont be our parent. Be our partner. I hate doing work on my own and I would be very happy to have some help. Someone here suggested make it a couple’s activity. Yes I know ypu would much rather do something else than hold the toolbox and hand me things but I would much rather not do it at all, yet here I am. We all want help. Not need, but want and desire. Be our partners. Be our companions. Dont be like the nagging bitch you see on TV. Life isnt like that. Say Thank You, offer a praise, say a kind word, offer to help. Dont just snap when things don’t go your way. That is childish behavior.

  • Joyce says:

    As a wife, what do you suggest I do when my husband takes literally months to years to do one project for the house that he said he would do while at the same time won’t let me hire someone else to do it? I’m talking about things like organizing his tools so they’re not all over the floor in the garage, installing ceiling fans for Texas summers, hanging the television, etc. I do everything around the house that I am able to do and only ask him to do the things that I don’t have the strength or skill set for. I know my husband doesn’t have a lot of free time but how am I supposed to stay quiet when he goes months and months not doing something he says he will do after I have asked nicely and made a point not to be a nag? I know for a fact that when I don’t nag or get on his case it will never get done. It’s always a pattern of him not doing anything then me looking like the nagging wife when I get frustrated. On the weekends he sleeps until noon and lays around the house doing absolutely nothing (and we have a toddler who I get up at 6:30 with every single day) then Monday comes around and we’ve gone another week with so many things unfinished. We’ve been together almost 20 years and it’s happened over and over again. What do I do?

    • Joyce says:

      I’m also sitting here looking at my daughters dresser from IKEA which is still in pieces on her bedroom floor and has been since December but he’ll get upset if I pay someone $60 to put it together

    • Shawn says:


      As a man and someone who has dealt with this I can tell that reminding him does not help. The reason is, in his mind, you are not reminding him (because he did not forget), you are nagging him. In his mind, his JOB is to take care of you and the kids and he does this by going to work everyday so you have a roof over your head, food to eat and so on. Doing work around the house is extra and probably not outwardly appreciated (in his mind). When you remind him (nag) all you are letting him know is how much he is letting you down and man, that hurts. He will ask himself “doesn’t she realize how hard I work to take care of this family and all she does is bust my chops for not doing more around the house”. I am not saying it is right but that is the way we think.

      As a man, I can say with conviction, we really are more like dogs than women think, I mean in the good ways. Do you know how to train a puppy to go to the bathroom in the yard instead of the house? You dont punish after he has peed in the house, you reward him when he goes to the bathroom outside. Extending this to your husband, whenever he does ANYTHING around the house, let him know how much you appreciate it. I do not care if it is taking a dish from the living room to the kitchen, just say “thanks so much for bringing them in the kitchen, it makes it easier for me to do the dishes”. Puts his clothes in the hamper, “Thank you so much for putting the clothes in the hamper”. Show him physically that you appreciate the efforts he puts in around the house. Even a simple kiss and a hug for doing a bit around the house will make us want to move mountains, even perhaps do dishes. As far as the tools in the garage, just pick them up and put them in a box. When he gets home, just say “dear, I know you work really hard for this family and are tired when you get home so I did the best I could to put the tools away, I hope that was ok”. If you are saying that this is silly and you should not have to stroke his ego, you are only half right, it is a bit silly but you do have to stroke his ego, just like he should yours. Is it silly for him to tell you that your beautiful and loved and appreciated? Nope. Maybe you have gained a few pounds but I bet you still want to be told you are sexy. I am sure you would say “of course, who doesn’t want to be told they are sexy”. That may be true for both men and women but if you were to ask men, it is probably more important to be told that our efforts to take care and provide for the family are appreciated than that we are as sexy today as we were 20 years ago.

    • Amanda says:

      Hire someone to do the repairs now. Your husband could see a man fixing what he should have fixed or tell your husband that the house has been repaired.

  • LAUREN says:

    This is a really great article. I consider myself a pretty good wife, most of the time, but I do all of these things and I see the hurt that I cause but, like a lot of women, I don’t see it until after the fact. I apologize but I often feel like the damage is done. My husband is not perfect either and sometimes I feel justified in my nagging and criticizing but you’re right, it doesn’t help. I have this fear that if I stop nagging, he won’t take care of anything and I will be responsible for every aspect of our lives. I think us women sometimes have a hard time letting ago and trusting a man. In fact, that idea terrifies me even as I type it.

    • Not a chance says:

      If you are apologizing, and he Love’s you, the damage is repaired. Men understand that women are different, and make mistakes like them. The apologizing is a HUGE suave for the little hurts. Best thing you could do, if you do make a mistake. (He should do this too.)

      • Platinumzero says:

        I would pretty much agree with you Not a chance with the exception that if the same thing is done repeatedly the words start to lose meaning and it takes honest action to and effort to reverse damages sometimes.

  • Aimee says:

    Thanks for the post it is exactly what I needed to hear today! I see now how much I am hurting my husband without even realizing it! Both with your insight and God’s molding I can change my behavior!

  • Bill says:

    My wife is a piece of trash. I hate her and will never have anything to do with a GD woman ever again once I get away from her. To hell with all women.

    • Amanda says:

      Ladies, Jesus said ” Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you. ”
      This man hates his own wife.

      • Amanda says:

        Bill, I’m sorry for that comment. There is a reason why you typed that, if you hate her or don’t, if she has wronged you, and if she hasn’t wronged you, someone else and pride has you hating her. If she wronged you, please don’t let pride cause you to hate any human or animal.
        I’ve hated before and it hurt me and I don’t want to live in darkness, so I ask Jesus to help me react to people hurting me. I screamed at my neighbors to turn their constant louds sounds down or off, around a half hour ago. I can’t hate them though. I can’t go their apartment because I would be a woman at the door of more than one person who have gone out of there way to be rude for the last more than five months. Calling the police on them made them worse, they were louder and stomping on the floor after the police left and one threatened to come to my apartment to ” raise hell ” and the police didn’t come that time. The landlord doesn’t do enough, so I’m going to have to move.

    • Amanda says:

      Bill, I’m sorry if she treated you badly.
      Please forgive her and ask Jesus for forgiveness so you can be forgiven. I’m not saying she is right.
      If you don’t forgive, Jesus said God can’t forgive you for your sins and wrongs.
      It’s real hard for me to forgive people who aren’t sorry, but I have to because Jesus commanded it and I want to be forgiven, and I don’t want to carry this hate and resentment with me. I want to be free inside.
      Will you tell her how she hurt you. If you don’t get respect from her now, is she has a conscience she will feel guilt, even though she’s not showing guilt! You got her feeling guilt, if she has a conscience even if she acts like she’s doesn’t feel bad. She does or will if she has a conscience. If she doesn’t have a conscience, will you pray to Jesus to soften her heart and comfort you.

    • Amanda says:

      I know self respect is important, but pride causes hatred. I don’t know what she said to you, but if she hurt you write this down, talk to a Pastor, ask him to talk to both of you.
      What did she do?

      • Craig says:

        Amanda, please get a life! I bet you consider yourself a strong woman huh? A woman who could care less what she says or does against her husband yet, tells Bill to pray lol.

        • Pet name Asshole. says:

          Quite Christian if you Amanda. Jesus said lots of things you seem to have neglected in most of your posts, please just leave now instead of continually emotionally abusing already abused men. If I went to the abused woman’s shelter and started saying the stuff you’ve spouted I would be in jail.

  • n/a says:

    my wife almost always blames me for everything she gets mad at me for no real reason at all if i defend my self she gets even madder at me she dosent physicaly hit me nor i her ..i bend over backwards till my spine is ready to snap to please her ..and its never enough she always puts me down in frount of everyone all the time ..she puts her grown up kids above her and i shes always hugging them kissing them tells them she loves them but me hardly ever do i get a hug let alone a kiss her and her grown kids make all the desions in the house from where we live to how the moneys spent to what we eat what tv shows movies we watch they make all the desions and i am made to except it or leave my wife treats me like shit while she treats her growen kids and friends like kings and queens ..theres not a day where i dont seriousely think about eather hurting myself or worse killing myself i have already had 2 other failed marriages I DONT WANT ANOTHER THIS IS WHY i stay in this marriage even though we have not had sex in almost 2 years and she treats me like shit screams at me blames me for everthing starts arguments with me out of the blue for no real reason but when i stand up for myself and defend my self i am in the wrong if i do anything i have a attuide or i am in the wrong some how all i want is to be happy to feel good about myself to be respected to be treated like i actuly matter to be equle in the desion makeing to hear i love you all i want and yes ofcorse sex but thats all i want know i am not perfect but i try and try to make her happy but its not just all about her and her dam kids its about us if you know what i mean

    • Josh says:

      It sounds like you and I are in the same boat. I work and she doesn’t to start and expecting anything when I get home to eat is more of a dream than reality. If I ask she has something to say like ” you don’t
      Like anything I cook, or I was very busy today and normally that would have something to do with her family, never mine”
      She half -ass cleans and tells me she cleaned all day when I usually have to re clean which is actually harder, she never has anything nice to say, at least to me. She is the nicest person to anyone other than me, you know the guy who is paying for everything. We have no children but she doesn’t work, figure that one out?? She claims she has trouble with anxiety but with something that will benefit her she seems perfectly fine talking to anyone….
      It always seems to benefit her, never me. I work a full time job and a part time job but she needs a brand new car, more expensive than mine, this I have a hard time with and get this, I am not allowed to use hers without her in the car. I am 43 and she is 40. She graduated college and I didn’t and she could easily work an easy to her job and probably make more than both of mine together and she refuses to work. She is the meanest person I have ever met, however both of my parents just passed away and I feel that even though we haven’t had sex in over 5 years and she throws that in my face on a daily basis, I feel that I would not want to start over again by myself. I am the type that can not fight with someone all day and then jump into bed with them. It never has been me and probably never will, hence 5 years now….
      She verbally abused me constantly and calls me names like loser and limpy knowing that I have trouble in that area. I thought about going and talking to a counselor but I figured that would be another log on the fire.
      If anyone has any advice please give it to me. I have had the thought about ending it also because what’s the use? I honestly feel like I am just someone that pays the bills and comes home and cleans all the time. Sometimes I do that just to stay out of her face and while I am doing that she just lays around and watches tv. I am her donkey, that’s all I am…….if I died I honestly think she would take the life insurance and remarry and more than likely forget about me, probably telling people that I abused her and I was a jealous idiot and I controlled her which would all be lies, it’s the other way around. I really do t know what to do I know she doesn’t give a crap about me if any way. I just wish I had the nerve to pack up and go.

      • Secret says:

        She doesnt work and you don’t have kids. For years now? And you are not happy. Ask her to go to couples counseling and if she refuses or makes fun of you for it then divorce her. It sounds like she isn’t putting effort in and is free loading. I just had my second kid and my hubby wanted me to stay home so i quit my job and I feel weird that i no longer bring in any money. If she isn’t doing all the house work and cooking then that is some grade a bullshit.

      • love one another says:

        If you found out that you or he were dying, the garage would be the last thing on your mind and you would resent how much time you wasted fussing about things that do need to be done, but really are not life shattering. I say it like that so you can put things in perspective. Always let him know how much he is appreciated for the things HE DOES, rather than focusing on where he lacks….we all lack….

        I hope you can get your garage squared away, but if you don’t, do not let it ruin the time together that you have…. he needs to decompress also, and another chore isn’t always on the top of the list. i know it can be frustrating, especially when he tells you he will do it, but let it go or else it will never get done, and if it doesn’t, it really did not matter anyways.
        Build him up, love him up! it is amazing what a man will do for a woman that makes him feel loved, appreciated, respected, missed, and desired….that is what all humans need! good luck!

    • Amanda says:

      If you love her and her kids, don’t you feel guilty for calling her kids: ” d** kids ” ?

      • Amanda says:

        Will you ask Jesus for forgiveness and ask Jesus to forgive her and to soften her heart?

        Will you ask a Pastor to talk to you both?

        Please don’t pack up your bags and go yet. If you have, please forgive her even if she isn’t sorry so you can be forgiven by Jesus and so you can be free of hurt and resentment, and not carry this.

        Please contact her and pray for her, doesn’t mean she is right. I’m not saying she’s right.

  • John Moprgan Jr says:

    I go out of my way to give my wife very nice things and help my wife around the house when not at work , even when I an exhausted but its my wife, so she can relax a little but she NEVER EVER walks up to me and hugs me and says "Thank You" and "I Love You".

    I not saying this is why I do it, but it would sure be nice to hear it and fee it,

    I out of the blue hug her and tell her "I love Her" multiple times every day but she has never once in our 38 years of marriage done this to me. I internalize this and it make me cry sometimes when I am alone.

    It won't help to tell her because she will get very defensive. I love her too much to leave but his is killing me.

    • Amanda says:

      Will you tell her that this hurts you? Even if she gets defensive, will you tell her? Will you keep this inside until you keep hurting? Will you tell her this hurts you?

    • Secret says:

      This sounds like it is just who she is… in this case i think you need to except that she isn’t a hugger. Try to not focus on this and maybe research the ways different personality types show affection. Maybe this will help you see that she shows affection in a different way.

  • Josh says:

    Hello, thank you for this article. I want my wife to read this. We've been married going on ten years and a lot of the times I can't stand being in the same room with her. I've talked to her many times about us and how I feel but it goes in one ear and out the other. I try my best to be a good husband and I pray everyday for my wife and family. I don't know what to do anymore besides going off by myself in solitude…

  • Diana says:

    This really helped me. I am engaged right now and catch myself doing every every single one of these things! Especially this one thing i literally do the exact thing! This helps a ton. Whats dofficult for me is actually catching myself before i do it. I realize AFTER the fact – oh man that really hurt him didnt it.. shoulsnt have done or said that or acted in that way. But thank you for your wise direction. My fiance is truly a wonderful man that the Lord has placed in my life and I love him dearly and want to change myself with Gods help so I can be a wise and godly wife!

    • Not a chance says:

      Apologies go a long ways. ESPECIALLY if you put him down in public, and ALSO apologize in public.

  • Eric Turner says:

    I love my wife dearly, I adore her, and she is my best friend. I don't understand why she will openly take sides with my son when I try to discipline him. I have never struck my son or verbally abused him, because He has Asberger syndrome. But he gets delight when Mom is always there to take his side privately and on a couple of occasions publicly! I was humiliated numerous times in public, when I tried to talk about it she clams up and then I get upset because she won't budge an inch, or even refuses to talk it out. I have had 3 back surgeries and I'm on disability but I still take work that hurts my back and I also have neuropathy in my feet so bad all I feel is a constant burn, but I broke my toe when a can of dog food fell on my toe, I didn't feel any pain, just a little pressure after the can bounced off my foot onto the floor. What can I do to make my wife realize how insignificantI feel already because I struggle to work even though I am really not supposed to do many of the things I do any way? I leave her love notes and flowers many times on the spur of the moment, I treat her with respect, but my patience has worn thin after 17 years of being placed second fiddle to my eldest son. Did I mention that he slept with us until he was over 4 years old? I finally had to move onto the couch to get my point across about him NEEDING his own space and that this wasn't fair to either of us. But again I had to stick to my guns. He doesn't give me the respect that a son should give a Dad, but when I mention that, I'm met with diffidence. I have no say-so in my own home. He was doing chin-ups on the clothes bar in the closet, and I merely suggested that I could get a bar to put in his doorway instead of pulling the shelves eventually out of the wall, I couldn't get her to admit that the shelves were designed for placing boxes on top, and I got leaped on by both son and Mom and that debacle went on until SHE had enough of it, I'm left seething with no recourse than to go downstairs and grumble to the stove or the sink…… 🙁 I love her dearly but WE are spending our lives together, long after Sean and younger brother is out of college and they have gone and started their lives…. What can i do until then? About to explode in Phoenix!, There was nothing in the vows about this…………… Is it me or does this sound one-sided?

    • ronedmondson says:

      It's hard to weigh into marital issues from emails, but it does seem a little one-side based on your comments here. I hope you are getting outside help together. God bless.

    • Amanda says:

      Will you tell your wife you are the head of household? Please do. Will you tell your wife God made you and your wife one. Will you tell your wife is she lets your son get away with bad behavior, he won’t improve.

      Do you remember the story of Helen Keller. Her caretaker disciplined her, and she improved. Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and unable to speak clearly. Your son has a different disorder, but he can improve. Will you tell your son you’re happy with your son when he’s kind and respectful and your unhappy and it hurts you and angers you when he’s not.

      Will you tell your wife you are the head of the household and you will listen to her, but she was wrong that you had to sleep on the couch?
      Please know you’re wife may respect you more, when you respect yourself more. If she doesn’t, will you ask a Pastor to talk to her.

      Please, will you forgive her even though she hasn’t asked you for forgiveness. Will you ask Jesus to soften her heart?

  • Star says:

    I think your post was not only informative, but an honest insight of reality. Yes, it may sting a lot of women, but the truth sometimes hurts. I took no offense of your message and as a wife, I’ve am/been guilty of many on the list. Perhaps this would help women stop what they’re doing and save their relationship. Without trying to make excuses, I must say, I knew most of this but still continued to do most these things. At the time I felt justified. What some, if not most men don’t realize is women are so emotional. If the husband or boyfriend damages us we feel as if “you killed me, so don’t blame me for being dead”. This is a wrong way of thinking if you want to save the relationship. Unfortunately for me, scars are too deep and too much has been done; my marriage is done. After 21 years, I’ve decided to file for divorce. I hope this article helps women, as well as my comment.

    • pk says:

      You hope the article helps THOSE women who do these things. You can't expect for the woman in the relationship to always stress over her sins, if you do not tell the man to look at his sins too. No woman needs a man that much.

      Also, the man and the woman should both be wanting to save the relationship. It is not only on the woman.

      I treat my man very well, so I expect him to treat me well. I would never want to save a relationship where I was doing good things for him and he was not. I lovemen, but I don't need a man that much. That's an unfair expectation some of you people have, where you place the relationship burdens only on the woman. Do you listen when girlfriends and wives tell all the bad things their men do to them and the women still forgive these men? Do you really listen? I know. I work in a company that helps and treats women and their children, and I see and hear some treacherous things that are committed by the husbands, boyfriends, and dad. Need a list?

    • Amanda says:

      I’m sorry, what will help if you accept Jesus.
      The Unforgiving Servant
      21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! 23Because of this, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants ”
      The Lord’s Prayer
      …13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ 14For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.…”
      Even if he hasn’t said he’s not sorry, please forgive so you can be forgiven for your sins by God, and so you don’t carry this with you. This pain and hurt and resentment. Another man is not the answer. He may hurt you worse, than your husband!

      Please stop filing for divorce. If you do divorce, may not be too late to back to your husband.

      Go to a Pastor and if he is the wrong Pastor, go to another one. Ask him to counsel you both. I’ve been hurt, too. I’m trying to forgive.

      Does not mean your husband is okay. If he doesn’t show remorse, he may feel guilty but his pride isn’t show guilt or he doesn’t have a conscience. Ask Jesus to soften your husband’s heart and yours. Be safe and free, but forgive and love.

    • Platinumzero says:

      PK, I’ve read most of your replys and I think deep down you’re trying to come from a positive place but you seem to be coming off a little aggressive. I don’t believe this article in any way shape or form says either that men are perfect or that women are not treated badly by men. A seperate list is even made to speak to that; however, the article does note things that can hurt a husband. I’m sure you treat your husband very well but it seems that maybe you’ve read a few of these instances that you may in fact be guilty of and don’t want to admit it. If not then I can at least tell you that the responses you’ve replied to are women who look at themselves in a mirror and can say that they are not perfect. That doesn’t mean they are treated perfectly by thier husbands, only that they can see their behavior in relation to this article. I do a lot for my wife and she’s not always kind to me and in fact does a lot of these, but I AM NO SAINT. I’ve said and done mean things, been selfish, and sometimes I can be flat out arogant. At the end of the day ( or sometimes days if we’er being stubborn) we look at each other and we talk it out admitting where we behaved like children or just out of spite. I hope you know I’m really not trying to be harsh, I just don’t want others to feel that their honesty with themselves is being berated.

      • love one another says:

        you are exactly right…
        this article was not titled ways men hurt women….
        therefore this conversation is how women hurt men WITHOUT realizing it…

  • Crystal says:

    Thank you for writing this article. I for one can stand up as a woman and say I am guilty of doing all of these things to my husband. I am not proud of it, and I in searching for answers to help me deal with my anger, I found this article. I can say that I am willing to admit that I have done all of these things and probably more in the 15 years of our marriage, and I am also humble enough to admit to my mistakes and attempt to move forward. The first step to fixing a problem is to admit it, and admit that you were wrong. It isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. As a mother and a wife we are supposed to protect our family, not hurt them. It is not easy to admit, or to attempt to fix.

    • pk says:

      That's right…… own up to the things you are guilty of, but please, please, stop demanding that other women who are innocent, give you an admission of guilt for doing for things they have not done. of these things.

      What in the heck is wrong with some of you people. I have said it over and over and over, that I and some other women do not do these things. .None of us knows anyone else here. We do not know what goes on in other people's homes. Stop telling people what they do in their homes. You all are not there.

    • Amanda says:

      Jesus said :
      14For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.…”
      Matthew 6:14
      Forgive people and ask Jesus for forgiveness for your sins. Ask Jesus to soften your hearts. Pray for your husband and family.
      Jesus can soften you and we have to have a new nature given by Jesus, because we can’t change ourselves, we’ll get angry and that old sinful nature will appear. Jesus has to change us. We can’t change anyone.

  • Nina says:

    This article is enlightening; women need to work for their marriage too. The main way to control ourselves from hurting our partner is to change our habits. We are unintentionally, subconsciously hurting our partner (and other people in general). It’s always good to make a list of what we do for them, what we say to them in response to what (whether small or otherwise) they do for us. Habits define us, our lives, and relationship with our loved

    ones. I hope women will get the message from this article and not feel attacked. Thanks again! It will definitely help us in future in making our spouses feel special.

    • pk says:

      Look for one moment at the two lists and tell me you don't see how there is a huge difference.

  • Dawn says:

    Wow. This goes BOTH ways. This article is very sexist. Who wrote this, a man? How about not counting on others to make you happy. Or else; you will not ever be happy. Being happy is the individuals responsibility, according to Buddha.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Try actually reading the post where I say: I realize this works both ways. As a man, I feel most prepared to address this side of the issue. I consulted with my wife for the companion post 7 Ways a Husband Injures His Wife…Without Even Knowing It.

    • Amanda says:


    • Christina says:

      There are plenty of articles out there that tell women what to do if she is mistreated by her husband, but very few that address the man’s side in that problem. Then to have someone jump on it and bash this article that’s trying to help people is truly sad.

    • love one another says:

      the article was not about men vs women….it is to inform women on little things they do without realizing it… you will find many articles about the things men do to women…
      It is called a ‘self-check’. Therefore it is not sexist…. the article was to promote conversation for a better understanding…..

  • Steven says:

    Thanks for this article. Now i know why I’m always sad when I’m with her. I have reached the age where I dun want to express my emotions anymore., even my facial expressions seems so cold in front of the mirror or photo. I thought its mid life crisis comes early. For those guys who wrote their feedback, thanks for the affirmation that I’m not alone.

  • Theldon says:

    This was very good reading. I read both the her/him. I am the husband and after reading this I found that I did some of these things well and I found that there are things I need to work on, on these I am ok but it sure would not hurt to brush up on and keep a closer eye on. I think that for the man/husband there is one hurt that you may have over looked. That being sex. My wife and I have not ” made love in 13 mo’s”. About two years ago I was found to have cancer in my prostate. I don’t want to go into all of this online. But I am not the way I used to be. Things still happen sexually, but just not to where or like it used to. I love my wife more than life it’s self and would do anything I could for her and I believe/ know that she feel this same towards me. It’s one of these she hurts me and she don’t know she hurting me. We have talked many, many times over these pass 6 mos. But in this one things we don’t seem to be getting back to at least a little ground. We are a Christian family, and I am also a pastor, but I am not in a church as a pastor right now. To be fair I can understand how my wife feels. As I said I will never get back to where I was. But things could happen if given a chance.

  • Derrick says:

    Thank you for this article. I don’t know about the older generations, but I grew up with hearing all about how a man should treat a woman. Saw it in the media. The way it’s portrayed is like, “if there’s a marital problem, the guy is doing something wrong.” Or, “if the man does everything he’s supposed to, then the woman will automatically do the right thing.” But that’s not reality. I think women have latched onto that erroneous message too. So when things get rough they think it’s all the guys fault… And let him know too. The fact is, BOTH parties need to learn how to treat the other. It’s truly unfortunate that so much is written in an unbalanced way. Things like, the ten things a man needs to do to make her wife happy. In the movies too, it’s the guys job to win over the affections of the woman. He “wins her heart,” and the movie ends. Young people then walk away thinking that love is defined by how much effort a man puts in, without mentioning the efforts the woman needs to make to keep things going. In other words, my generation is absolutely saturated with messages on how to understand women. But there’s very little in the way of helping women understand and treat her man.

    • Christian says:

      Hey Derek I totally agree that there needs to be more balance regarding this issue.

      If I may I would like to mention a book you may or may not know about called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It touches upon how both men and women can improve in how they relate to one another.

  • claire says:

    Doesn’t a husband bear some responsibility for his wife’s happiness? My husband can be very cruel, and resorts to name-calling and threats whenever he is angry. I have talked with him about this, and told him how deeply this affects me long after he is done raging, but it continues. It’s difficult to feel happy or loved when your spouse chooses to behave this way.

  • Peter Ernst says:

    This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I was always told how other men did this and that. Was constantly belittled in front of freinds and family. Was cheated on and lied to, and was told that she did nothing wrong, that I deserved it. She always considered her life as being more important than mine, how people depended on her, why, if she didn’t exist, nothing would get done. I asked her to leave, I’ll take the house, cause it’s a lot to do , plus joint custody. I got it. Now I have to argue with her to take the boys on Mother’s Day, cause she’s got something to do.

  • Mips says:

    My husband isnt very open about his feelings and avoids these kinds of discussions but things have been tense between us for a little while now, and today he accused me of always putting him down and constantly reminding him that he does nothing for our future – this is due to circumstances currently out of our control.

    Having read this article, I can definitely see how my actions have affected him. The question now is, what can I do to fix the things I said or pull him back up so to say? Any advice would be appreciated.

    • ronedmondson says:

      You can't go backwards – and likely there are issues on both sides – but you can be honest, apologize and work together to create a plan for moving forward. Help each other discover what your needs are in the relationship.

    • love one another says:

      You are so right….i have watched this downfall for 50 years….
      it is sad because no one is equipped to have a relationship with one another…

      People need to put the scoreboard down, get on the same team, if you know he loves you, his actions show that, then do not take every opportunity to be angry for something he is probably unaware of..
      So much time and energy wasted that could have been spent building stronger ties, and good memories.
      It often is the hard times that bond people together, but you are supposed to love and support one another.
      If you are unhappy in your marriage, whoever you are, please know your spouse is unhappy too. The two are one…

    • love one another says:

      Just be sweet! Be kind!
      it really is that simple!

  • Angela H says:

    Great article, unfortunately women will miss this teachable moment too complain!!!

    • Jean says:

      No, "Angela H", actually, it's men who miss the teachable moment. Again, I write that the list that is supposed to be how men hurt women. It so not the real way wives/women feel and experience the harshships and pain when in a relationship with a husband.
      It does not speak the truth from the wife's point of view. You know, it's funny really, how the men commenters, go along with things as long as you are writing the articles that speak from their point of view and it basically tells the wife to spoil, coddle, and exalt them, but then you go and write one that is supposed to tell how husbands hurt their wives, and it's watered down and does not speak women's truth.

      I will write a real list, if you allow.

      • Ron Edmondson says:

        Feel free to start your own blog. You can grab the comments here and be well on your way. Best wishes.

      • love one another says:

        Jean, the article was not about what men do to women….That is a different article to which there are a lot of truths…

        What i hear from the men is that they feel like a meal ticket, and the reason for her moods and anger.

        they feel unappreciated, disrespected, and judged…that does not bring out the best in anyone, male or female…

        Of course men do things that hurt women, some intentionally and others, god love them, are just oblivious…..that is the point of these articles, to reflect on the little things that erode relationships. Which everyone should do because it is easy to become complacent.

      • Florencia says:

        Jean your comment is rude and nonsense. You are talking as if men were guilty and women innocents victims. That is ridiculous there are very mean men and women. Sex do not discriminate pride, anger, violence. We get too much info about men being violent toward women but barely anything about the other side of the coin. I am a women and have seen too many things to fall for your comments.

  • Angela H says:

    This is an excellent article, unfortunately so many women lose their husbands because they are an emotional wreck. Fussing, nagging, complaining, not appreciative, etc.

    • Jean says:

      It's an excellent article from the man's point of view. Don't speak for women/wives, " Angela H"

      Tell the real truth from a wife's point of view, then you can write that it is an excellent article. So unfair and so imbalanced, and for your info, women will continue to fuss about the unfairness!

      • Brian says:

        Jean you may not agree with what was written and that is fine. Do not unfairly invalidate how these men feel. They come here to communicate and release which they need to be able to do sowmewhere! Your situation does not apply to the masses.

        • Kitten says:

          I hesitated to write a reply, because women who love and respect the female gender, are outnumbered here. I think what she wrote, makes perfect sense. This article is written from a man's viewpoint. You can't really expect women to agree with this,

      • love one another says:

        you sound very angry.

  • Ren says:

    I do everything for my wife come take her out buy her whatever she wants treat her like a queen bring breakfast ro bed that how she continues to me how bad I am that I did this one when I give her money try to fix something then you don’t know how to fix try to please her in every possible why she rejects me she pushes me away she tells me that I’m at fault everything that i do what do i do at this point

  • Ren says:

    Im going thru the same thing my wife all ways hurting me mentally.

  • Lisa says:

    I just want to say I am struggling but appreciate this article.

    I won’t lie I think I’m perfect lol.

    I am a people pleaser, but I look at it this way. A couple years ago I was considered obese, I lost 45 lbs since then. When I was obese i truly thought I was eating healthy. When I stopped and wrote down what i was eating, then looked at it, my diet was horrible! I was shocked. Then I fixed it and truly ate healthy.

    Maybe a lot of ladies like myself see our best side. And need to just really evaluate our actions, and make sure weather it’s nagging, or asking politely repeatedly that or actions aren’t inflicting pain. You can call them crispy potatoes strips or French fries. The name doesn’t change their caloric value or what happens to your body if you consume too much. We can only change ourselves and our actions. When reading this article we should take away our husbands needs not our own. That can be found on the other article.

    • Lisa says:

      Busy mom of three I hope that makes sense with my lack of proper grammar and detail 🙂 praying for all marriages!

    • Amanda says:

      I like that. Don’t think your marital problems are all your fault though, even though you love him. Being humble doesn’t mean thinking this is all your fault and he doesn’t have faults, or all his fault, and lying, believing you don’t have any.

  • Jeff says:

    Wow, a lot of women in here using phrases like “men supporters”… and explaining how they “ask” their husbands to do chores reapetedly and how it annoys them… Not even acknowledging how insightful this makes the article… But… they use it as a platform to selfishly convince the world of their misery… Again In a blog about men’s feeling being hurt by their wives.

    Inappropriate and selfish that is.

    Firstly let some husbands have some feelings, sheesh. If they didn’t you be nagging them about it.

    Secondly…Like we’re not allowed, ha! Lighten up and smile once in while before its all over.

    Thirdly, Irony is, I found this article by searching the phrase “my wife has no feelings of her own, anytime I say how I feel during an important heart to heart, she just says she feels the same and that I do the same thing”

    No acknowledgement. Steals my thunder. Wait… I came to you and was trying to tell you how I feel, but now it’s about you and how you feel accept lazier… You didn’t even have to come to me and you didn’t even have to say anything Genuine.

    If I try to feel anything she just swoops in and takes that feeling from me, otherwise never stating one for herself that didn’t first come from me.

    Like the prudes that view this article as an attack saying men aren’t allowed to have feelings… My wife’s actions above say to me… I’m not allowed to have feelings… If I share them they will be confiscated and used against me in some war I’m not even fighting in… More a sideline casualty.

    Scary part is in writing out my problem it makes her sound like a high functioning phsycopath incapable of feelings.

    Huh. Not dead yet.

    Anyhow… Good luck “men (not?) supporters” dont spend an entire life taking yourselves too seriously, especially since your responses are so hilarious… Really, you should listen to your responders request to read your own words out loud… Good stuff.

  • Matt says:

    Wow I’m a fascinated by how many women have hijacked this thread to vent about their lazy husbands because try can’t imagine another couple in which the man is persistently put-down.
    I’ve basically given up on finding any source or neutrality on the internet to discuss this topic with as there is essentially no grey area between hysterical “activists” on both sides of the x-y divide.

  • Carmen says:

    I am the wife, but my husband does these things to me regularly. It has ruined our marriage. I will also say that if a husband doesn't want to be badgered, he can get off his duff and do what he said he was going to do. No badgering would then be required. And if I have something I need to be completed a certain way, I am pretty sure he is smart enough to learn it. So then I would not need to go back to remake the bed properly. I will end up making the bed myself anyway, cause I can't sleep in it the way he makes it, but he does not care. Not completing tasks in ways that please your spouse, when you have the ability to do so, is unacceptable.

    • Nicole says:

      No two people do things the same way…

    • Mike says:

      Read your words back to yourself and consider on whom they reflect more strongly on: you or your husband.

      I wouldn’t be too quick to “get off my duff” either.

    • John says:

      Unbelievable. Read what you posted again…and think…are you ever wrong? Because it sounds to me like you feel you are never wrong…

    • Jeff says:

      Your anger is worthless.

      You use it for everything like money, it’s your currency.

      You are angry at what you get for your money.

      Wake up.

    • M. Collins says:

      I separate things into two catagories: Moral Sins (against God that we will answer for one day) And Preferences ( What we like or consider Normal or preferred or best for us personally but not a clear sin if a sin at all)
      Now I must say much sin is determined based on motive and motive is difficult to prove. A good example of this might be doing something for someone that isn’t your place to do! (A Controlling Behavior) that a first might look “Nice” but was the motive proves to be used against the reciever. ei., A spouse who washes your car (that is not in a detorating condition due to gross neglect that would cause rust or harm that would require repair) and then reparks it becuase he likes all the vehicles facing the same direction. Then the other spouse says that they would rather back out in the morning (on their way to work) and just pull in forward upon their return…yet the spouse continues to re park their spouses vehicle or their vehicle that is the primary vehicle for their spouse. AS I am throwing in here that optimally……vehicles would ideally be in joint ownership. AS long as the car is not damaged to the point of tickets or repairs being needed, how often the primary driver washes their vehicle is a Preference (not a sin!) To cause harm to a vehicle that requires repair or hurts the value of the vehicle or causes a debt (a ticket) is human but effects your spouse also! And to me…that falls under neglect.
      CARMEN if you Truely lose sleep because of how the bed is made and it is your husbands obligation to make the bed (last on out of it maybe) then damages can be assesssed as we know the sleep is a need. I would suggest two options here….One wait and make the bed yourself because (not making a bed is not a sin) A matter of fact…making a bed is a preferrance and many people don’t do it and say that they will just get back in it and if you have dust allergies…It is actually recommended that you don’t make the bed in order, to allow the moisures (humidity) of humans being in it all night can dry out and therefore leave no moisure for bed mites to consume and/or be atracted to.
      I personally like my bed made just because I want to know that dust and other odd and possibly non hygenic and even disease causing micro’s won’t end up on my sheets or pillows that my face lays on all night. I would feel that it is unloveing to some degree if my husband knew how much it meant to me and was totally unwilling but on the other hand he may have reasons he doesnt like to do it and he may think that you are being unloveing by requesting that he do it.

    • Bob Jenkins says:

      Wow you sound like a real catch, NOT! 😉

    • Amanda says:

      Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah, the Savior said:
      The Lord’s Prayer
      …13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ 14For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.…”
      Matthew 6:14

      Apostle Paul said:
      ” Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. ”

      Forgive your husband, even if he doesn’t say sorry, and ask Jesus for forgiveness for your sins. Jesus said God can’t Your husband should help, and say thank you what he does do. I don’t think badgering is asking your husband to do something when he won’t.
      Be honest with your feelings with him.

    • Amanda says:

      Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah said:
      ” For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. ”
      Matthew 6:14
      Apostle Paul said:
      ” Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her ”

      Tell him how you feel and also examine yourself, Carmen, is there anything you do that is unacceptable?

  • Kelley Johnson says:

    I know I am guilty of a few of these, I really am. I recognized them myself quite a while back. I’ve done my absolute best to avoid it, and truthfully, it made ME feel better to know that I was trying to avoid hurting him in any form. That being said – as well as he treats me, and as much as I dote on him and treat him with respect; he can’t seem to get it make an effort with me.

    I know I “remind” him frequently about things that need to be done. By frequently, I mean I reminded him about twice a year about taking time off to replace our roof, which we had materials for, for around three years, all while our roof was leaking for 5. When reminding him, I never made a big deal out of it, although I was afraid our roof would cave in at every rain. The final time I “reminded” him, it became a nasty fight, because this time I was angry. A photo of my mother who died when I was only 6, was damaged beyond recognition when the roof leaked on it while we were gone and I had no copies. I didn’t say anything more than the truth; he had 3 years to fix it, but he chose to spend his weekends fishing with his grandfather or fixing his dad/friend/3rd cousin twice removed’s car, or helping another friend put on his metal roof. That to me, all these other people were more important than his own family of course, he was angry that I was angry, and obviously I had no reason to be. It was only a photo that I could never replace. No nevermind that I hadn’t said a word about everything else that had been lost when the roof leaked, none of that counted. He replaced the roof within the next month, on a weekend, but he cursed and ranted the entire time. Our kitchen faucet has been leaking on top of the sink for 10 years. We’ve already had to replace the counter top and entire sink insert cabinet because of it, and I have to use those blue shop towels behind it to soak the water up, and wring it out twice a day, so that it will soak up more water. We bought a new faucet last February…it is still in it’s brand new package on the shelf in my closet. I’ve said something twice: when we bought it (obviously) and tonight. I asked him if he thought he would have time to replace it sometime soon, because it was leaking worse recently, and I was having to wring the towel out twice a day, and keep a plastic bin under the sink to catch the stray water, and I had to empty it about every 2 weeks. He never answered me. So, I asked again, just as a normal conversation. I wasn’t upset, at the time. He snapped at me “YES baby! I will MAKE time.” I said there was no need to yell, and he come back at me with “well damn! Just over and over and over!” He broke my heart. I’m still not even mad; I’m hurt. This is how it ALWAYS happens. He gets angry because I politely ask him when he’s going to get around to something. Sometimes he gives me a timeframe, and I remind him when that timeframe is up: he still gets mad. Other times he doesn’t and just states he will get to it. I don’t want to nag, so I just don’t say anything until it’s been an extremely long time and I just figure he’s forgotten, since he’s had many weekends of couch-sitting sessions where he did absolutely nothing and obviously had time. We can’t afford to pay a contractor to deal with any of this, and for the record, he’s with me and I ask him if he can do it, or wouldn’t mind BEFORE the purchases. He’s not an egotistical person by any means or stretch of the imagination, but he NEVER admits fault. He either ignores me totally or turns it around on me, as being somehow my fault that he acts the way he does when he hurts me. He really is a wonderful husband and I love him with everything I have inside me. I don’t want to hurt him, or make him feel “less of a man”, because he is my world. I just don’t know how to deal with this. He won’t go to a counselor, he said he would just divorce before he would invite someone else in. I feel as if he’s afraid someone else will see what I have said, and he just won’t face his shortcomings. Maybe it’s just that he can’t stand the thought of not fixing these things for his family, after he said he would, or frustrated that he didn’t remember they NEEDED to be done or whatever. But, when he snaps at me for reminding him, and explaining WHY I reminded him, then gets pissed off because he made me cry; I believe we have a problem. If he has such a problem, why then doesn’t he take steps to prevent this from happening again? We have been married 18 years, and I hope to be married to him for 18 more. It’s just that this has been a themed or our marriage the entire 18 years and I DONT want that for another. The last couple of crying sessions over something like this, I have questioned why I ever thought he cared about me at all. How can he hurt me, and then get angry because that hurt shows, if he really cared about me? Tonight, I found myself questioning if I would even be with him anymore if I were able to work and were able to be financially independent, and I hurt MYSELF with those thoughts. I can’t believe that it’s come down to me questioning whether or not I truly want to be with him, or I just NEED to be. I don’t know how to speak to him about this without making him angry. I have tried multiple ways, multiple times, and it always ends in a fight and me crying for days because there was no resolution and there has been no change, or he doesn’t speak to me again until he thinks I’m over it, or at least speak to me in his normal loving fashion.

    While I do recognize that I’m not perfect, and that there must be many things that I do that must hurt him and drive him crazy (even though he refuses to tell me what I’m doing that bothers him, even though I beg through tears, while telling him that I know I’ve screwed up too and I just can’t handle these emotional swings anymore, I’m willing to do whatever I need to, if he would just tell me); what can I do to make this work, when he refuses marriage counseling, refuses my invitation to talk to me about my shortcomings and gets angry when I “have the nerve” to mention his because they hurt deeply? How can I save my marriage??

    • Holly says:

      You know, in instances like your situation with your husband I find it is beneficial to be very blunt. My husband gets very annoyed with me if I try to beat around the bush about something, he just wants me to say exactly what I want or need or am feeling right then. You both certainly haven’t been perfect to each other, but who ever has been? I think you two will easily be able to make it another 18 years if you truly want your marriage to work. I hope this helped at least a little. Good luck to you both.

    • Bob says:

      Fix it yourself

    • John says:

      Did you ever consider that maybe you could fix the roof with him? Make it a couples activity… Suggest you both go up on the roof for a weekend and work at it.

      See you feel he owes you fixing the roof by himself. But the roof benefits you both. Why not show some gumption and put forth an effort? Instead of telling him what to do…?

      • Jean says:

        Then is he going to go into the kitchen and laundry room and help her cook those fabulous meals he loves and gulps down? Will he help her wash and fold and put away the laundry? Then is he going to pull out one of his painful, milk engorged breasts and feed the baby? Next, is he going to vacuum and make the son's birthday cake? Will he also help her wash dishes And so on and so on……….

        Your wife also does things that benefit you both. Whether she works inside or outside of the home, she is constantly doing things for the family. That's why I hear men saying that their wives let themselves go, it's because she is ALWAYS doing things for you husbands and the family and neglecting herself. Why do you Husbands think you are the only ones who do things for the family that benefits the family? You men are really unbelievable.

    • Amanda says:

      Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Savior, the Messiah, who YHWH Almighty God, sent said:

      Matthew 6:14
      The Lord’s Prayer
      …13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ 14For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.… ”

      Apostle Paul said:
      Ephesians 5:25
      ” Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”

      Ask Jesus to soften your husband’s heart and yours. Ask Jesus to direct you to a Pastor, and if the Pastor says something that contradicts scripture or doesn’t show sensitivity, go to another one and ask the Pastor to talk to you and your husband.
      Be careful, Jesus warned about ” wolves in sheep’s clothing.” Some are even pastors and ministers, so ask Jesus for discernment to find the right Pastor and church.

  • Jean says:

    Try not to use the word ignorant, when referring to people here. You don't know anyone of us, unless you are calling yourself, ignorant.

    Now, you really don't have the right to tell any woman that she is lying when she writes, that she doesn't do these. Why is that so difficult? I see men doing these bad behaviors, everyday and I hear different women tell how ugly their husbands are with these behaviors. But please be respectful and admit that men do them too. You are not that naive are you? Or are you just anti woman?

    I don't owe you an explanation, but for your information, I don't do those things to my husband, but sometimes
    he does not show me any appreciation for all of my efforts. I do a lot for us!!! But I do show appreciation, and want the same honor.

    As a grown man, be able to be fair. Women hurt too you know. So know that everything is not about you men.

    • Holly says:

      I don’t think you actually read the same article, because it clearly states that men also do these things a few times.

    • John says:

      Did you bother reading the article? Did you not see the multiple references to men doing this too?

      Instead of painting every woman or man with the same brush you should address the issues you have with the individual you married. Not two women are the same…and no two men are either.

    • Jeff says:

      You are out of place.

      This article is about men’s feelings.

      Are you upset that we dare have a feeling and tread in your wheelhouse?

      I’m sorry we didn’t stop to ask you first… Do you own them all?

      I’ll take a page from your book here…

      You should know you aren’t the center of the universe and that not everything is about you.

      Your anger will never change it.

  • mike says:

    Why do some women replying to this post have to comment that this is all made up or that this all happened to women too? Denying the fact that your husband or any husband could ever feel unappreciated is just reinforcing the fact. There are plenty of husband who do feel unappreciated by their wives and I am one. I understand that there are husband who don’t appreciate their wives too, but to say that some wives don’t do it is a hurtful statement to make to a man that lives it. Denying the fact that it’s even possible for this to be happening to a husband is just ignorant and not helpful at all to someone who arrived here looking for help.

  • Mary says:

    Thank you, for your opinions and thoughts. I pray that I don’t do any of these things to my husband to be. I have had most if not all of these things done to me and so much more. I have been saved and brought back to the Lord, for that I have been healed and made new through Christ Jesus.

  • Jean says:

    Why would you as a woman, worry about whether or not any wives admit to anyof these things on the list? These outrageous things that men supporters say women do…. are not things the average wife does. If anything, husbands do these . I see men do these more than I see women. Who made these lists?

    Marriage is not about keeping score,. It is about the man and woman treating each other with love and respect and the way they want to be treated. We need to admit that husbands hurt wives and wives hurt husbands. The list should be written as what both women and men do, not finding fault and blaming women.
    When I go over to labor and delivery in the local hospital, I see and hear some ugly and hurtful things that husbands do to their wives. It's a shame how ugly husbands can be to their wives when they are in labor!! Like a husband trying to convince his wife that he can invite his parents into her delivery room, during her labor and birth. With the request from some wives, I have had to pull some husbands to the side and remind him that this is his wife's territory and her decision. These husbands were putting their wives down in front of his parents and some others and the poor wives, were too weak to fight.
    And you all have the audacity to put that lie in th above list about it being the wives who are putting husbands down. No I will not admit to doing that. All women do not hurt their husbands. Don't lie on wives!!
    The husband and the wife wants to be affirmed and appreciated. Women need to stop attacking other women and get some sense. You won't hear men telling other men to admit to things on a list, so why do women do that? Why are we so catty? Who the heck are we trying to impress? No man is going to love you any more for taking their side. If someone is guilty, own it, if you don't do these, don't lie to impress men!! No brownie points here.
    I do not do these and I expect my hubby to not do them either. I expect the same respect!!

    • John says:

      Here we go again painting everyone with the same brush. You are not the emissary of married women. How dare you pretend to know that “most women don’t do this but most men do”. You know how hurt you feel? He feels the same. Maybe you should come down from your high horse and accept reality that not everyone is the same.

    • Jeff says:

      You deserve no respect, your expectations mean nothing here. Use your voice elsewhere.

      • Jean says:

        Go ahead Mr. Bully. Go ahead and use verbal threats. Everyone is reading your evil comments. You mean nothing also.

  • Lynn says:

    I don’t know if any other wife has admitted she does any of these things, but I’m not afraid to say yes I’m guilty of doing some of these things. So what do I plan to do? Well I will make it a point to say thank you when he does something, even if it’s not the way I do it. And instead of saying hey I asked you five times to do (whatever chore), I’m going try would you please do (whatever chore)? And say thank you right then. One more thing I think I’d like to do is make the “you always” phrase a daily habit, but a positive attachment. You always make great coffee or you always clean the snow off windows for me. Positive reinforcement right.?

  • Jean says:

    You see ladies, you all may think that I am talking from out in left field, but I am as sane as you are, Iam on a mission to help women and wives. I just see what is going on and I am not easily deceived as many women are. I hurt for women. I hurt for wives. I am one of few women who see that wives are in so much pain and are so unhappy and afraid to tell anybody, they are hurting . They are suffering.
    Also, according to what the fake biblical wives on the Internet keep preaching to us, is that a wife has no rights in marriage and no matter how nasty or selfish or cold her husband is, she is to just sit there and take it. The fake biblical wife websites have so many women brainwashed as they tell women that we are responsible for men's terrible sins. The only thing the fake biblical wives and husband supporters fuss about is wifely submission and respect.

    Each wife needs to stop exalting her husband, because that is making him an idol. A human man is a sinner, just like wives. We are all sinners. Husbands are not sinless, what with all the mess that they do everyday. Open your eyes ladies!! We are to only exalt God in Heaven. living to worship him, and not believing what the enemy says on the Internet, Satan also knows Scripture. He is cunning and slick and he is trying to destroy weak gullible wives!!
    Your husband is allowing the brainwashing and not worrying about your feeling.

    • Brian says:

      Jean…everyone is in pain! I see that u are advocating for women and again…that is fine. But you are coming from the otherside of the spectrum. You are obviously trampled on and hurt. These men are trampled on and hurt. Selfishness does not discriminate on account of sex! Men and women alike have the innate ability to think only of themselves. Stop drawing a line in the sand. You don’t have to be angry at all men to be angry with one or two. You have more in common with men posting here than you think it sounds like…

    • love one another says:

      Quit helping women and wives, and encourage them to be better people and to have better relationships……

      You’re not in left field, your anger is off the charts. Why is it so hard to accept that men have feelings, disappointments, and needs just as women do… we are humans!! everyone needs, love, respect, admiration, and to occasionally be doted on….EVERYONE!

      Quit make the divide greater!

      Human beings hurt one another, men and women……we are all venting a little and sharing, not more skreetching and blaming! that helps no one!!

  • Katee Stahl says:

    So, what, if we have a husband that refuses to complete his tasks and responsibilities, we should roll over and just add it to our already mile-long lists? Wives are expected to always say yes…why the hell don’t the men have the same duty? Why should we have to beg! I work the bulk of the hours and spend my “free time” paying bills, etc., while he is painting his toy models, and tasks are being continually neglected or at best, half-arsed, and I’m not allowed to remind him to complete his responsibilities? And when I have to ask multiple times, I AM THE BAD GUY?!?! What is your solution?

    • Jeff says:

      Stop making lists. Who are you to decide his chores? And then look down your nose at him? Why should he respect you for the way you regard him. You hate him? go be free, fly Fly, make all your dreams come true.

      Clearly he’s holding you back and you can’t tolerate his feelings which is what this blog is about… Not your feelings and Not one line says what you are supposed to do.

      But if you are that miserable you need to do something other than blame him, you chose to be miserable so go on and do it right. Show him how it’s done.

  • mike says:

    OMG!!!! My wife does all of those things to me , Is that why I seek others to find comfort in?
    She can't bare to have any kind of intimacy with me either, it's like the only thing I can do is stay at work and make money to pay for everything , but not look at her cause that scares her to thinking that I'm interested in her. She can be so rude to shut down any nice compliment I give her. GOD . I Hate her more and more each year. My last birthday wish was for her to go to those younger men that get her excited to the point her foot just shake with excitement and she trembles with happiness, when she plays games online with them. GOD I HATE HER FOR HER CRUEL WAYS.

  • Jean says:

    Well, I don't do any of the things in that list.above and I don't agree that most wives do those. This is so foolish. Where are you men finding your women? My friends who are married, already worship and spoil their husbands to a fault as it is. What I have heard from couples I know, about this which spouse injures the other, is that the husbands are the ones who are guilty of injuring, but the make dominated media, turns it around on the wife. Go figure?
    You all have seen men put their wives down in front of others and you know this to be true. Often I have seen in labor and delivery, a stressed out, pregnant woman is in terrible pain, and her husband's dad walks in and she has already told her husband that she does not want his dad there, so her husband kind of ignores her wishes and may make a couple of stupid remarks like, " but he wants to be here" or "no one wants to look at your vagina anyway". These are comments that actually cone out of men's mouths. And you all keep writing articles that say it's the wife who does these things. I hear ugly comments like this from husbands all the time.
    Seems like men supporters are just angry because wives are beginning to wake up and see the light and want respect. Wives do not have the time or energy to spoil a grown man. Marriage is about teamwork, not about a wife exalting her husband.

  • debbie says:

    I do all of the above. I have the a kind hearted husband who has put up with with me and even provided well for me and my kids. ..our kids… And our furry kids. HE Has held my hand through very rough times and been my ear when needed as well. He is a good ole boy may like his beer and sports but at home…Ty.

  • Brandon says:

    thanks very informative and touchy post

  • texasdude1 says:

    We have been married 9 years. It is both our 2nd marriage. It's been a good marriage until about 2 years ago. She started doing something that is the same reason I divorced my 1st wife. I would never have suspected in a million years she would to this. I won't say what it is because many of you would think it is foolish as I am sure she does. It is not foolish to me. I keep getting upset about it and telling her and crying because what she does hurts me. And, she does it again. And again. A couple of weeks ago I almost told her I wanted a divorce. She could see that and started getting very upset and crying. I don't want to hurt her. But, I don't want her to continue to hurt me. I feel trapped in a way. I don't know how to fix this.

    • Jean says:

      The common denominator, may be the man who keeps wantin divorce.

      See ladies, what I keep saying is very true. The things men expect form their women, is so unrealistic and eventually, he will change for the negative, right before your eyes. See, what most men expect is such a burden and hardship on their wives. They expect their wives to give him all his needs while you keep your mouths shut, your voices hushed. They expect you to perform like a trained seal and then sit on your stoop and look up while he tosses you one little fish.
      Most husbands will pursue and court and have you thinking that they are so in love with you, all while you are giving him bjs, grinning, and looking at him as if he is gold. But, down the road, you will see the true man come out. He will yearn for his freedom after you have degraded yourself giving him every sexual act and cooking and cleaning behind him. He is just not that into you.

      Get some sense ladies. Fall in love with yourself, before you date and.marry your man. Do not worship and exalt him. Keep strong as you keep your eyes wide open. Listen to wise women. Don't buy into the man made doctrines that tell women " 25 things to do to get a man and 25 things that you are supposed to be doing wrong."
      Don't buy into these man exalting doctrines that are all o ear the Internet.

      • John says:

        Get over yourself already. We get it. You are the protector of all married women. All wives are victims and are not responsible for the positions they find themselves in. All wives are innocent gentle creatures who were forced to marry men they dislike. We get it. Move on.

      • Jeff says:

        Gay man, you are.

        Hate yourself for all that sinning that goes on your mouth..

        And now you are punishing the rest of us in an attempt to process your shame.

        Your responses read like diarrhea mixed with acidic vomit.

        Some of us came here to read about others experiences but you selfishly hijacked the thread and crapped all over it.

        You have no experience here unless you are an angry gay man.

        In which case this is still the wrong place for you… If you have a wife then you need to fix that…

        Because you’re an angry gay man.

  • Jean says:

    ( Nov 24, 2015 9:12 a m)
    See ladies, Gife, just painted ALL of us, with the same brush. yet, he and most every other man, will scream and get ugly, when a woman paints them with a broad brush. Men, this is double standard # 3.

    But anyway, just know, that you husbands are huge pains in the ass too. Many gullible wives are too afraid to tell you how much of an ass each of you are. Women do this with a fault, but those same wives will fuss about needing help.
    Haven't you husbands heard your wives, on the phone crying while telling their moms and sisters about the pain and struggle, they endure being married to you? Husbands, many of you can be very lazy. A home and family needs attention and your wife cannot do it ALL! Yet cannot expect your wife to toil and work, then magically turn into a sex kitten or porn star At night! . She is soooooo afraid that your mouth will form to say the words nag and bitch!! So wears herself out. Where then dear men, do you all think that sexual being will cone from, after you have treated her with your selfish coldness??
    Yes wives fuss. I used to fuss too, when I thought I had to and was expected to do everything, but I quickly learned some sense. I observed men and discovered what men are all about and how their minds work. I discovered that most are indeed selfish and egotistical.

  • Gife says:

    This definitely make sense at least for me, but how the wife’s actions affects a man is all down to the type of man you are. My wife is a typical example of these woman in this article but I simply call her mad woman and I believed it in my heart hence, I don’t take her serious. My father was exactly the same with my mother but the marriage lasted forever even though my mother always have something to complain about but my father could not even care less to defend himself or even comoment he simply dismiss her complain and in most cases he is correct. I just follow the route as it appear all women is the same pain in the ass therefore quite all this communication bit and stuff disregard them when it’s not worth it period. If you are getting hurt it’s because there is two women in the marriage

  • Wanda Greene says:

    Except for the constant reminder thing, i agree. I think, a wife is defenseless against broken promises if she doesn’t say something. A friend of mine has her house and yard a complete shambles because she refuses to “nag”. Another friend’s husband has completely nothing at all to do with the house and yard because she won’t “be that kind”. He also speaks very little to her at all about anything and she doesn’t like it but won’t speak. I have two other friends in the same situation. You would have us victims in this.

    • Jean says:

      When a husband or a boyfriend labels the woman's requests to complete a task or give assistance, as her nagging, or bitching, then women should just stop asking him for help, then try to get things accomplished on her own, especially, those tasks that only benefit her.
      Leave him alone and take care of you and your babies, as much as you can, without him. Then when he comes to you asking for something, or for your help, show him the same attitude that he previously showed you. Do this enough times for him to get the idea. This is not being vindictive. It is a way for him to see his previous bad attitude towards you when you asked him to do something.

      What I learned, from this man made lie about women being nags, is that men nag and bitch too.But our society won't tell the truth about this myth! So women have just got to be aware and be strong within themselves and observe and speak up for the truth.

      And since wives and girlfriends usually bend over backwards doing everything for everybody anyway, men will let us and benefit from this. Men have always benefited from the perks that we women provide for them. Know that many men are just selfish enough to let their women keep solving all the problems and completing tasks as long as she doesn't say anything, complain, or bother him and ask for help.

  • John says:

    Thanks for the post.My marriage is in a downward spiral but thanks again.

  • Cindy says:

    I am very lucky to have a great spouse but I too find fault in him and I point it out. I was looking for another topic and unexpectedly saw this and wow does it ever strike a nerve. Thanks for your insight.

  • sam says:

    1. The fact that after short time of his marriage, he complained about his wife outside home does not show a strong personaliry.

    2. You should remind him that this is personal life and should not be consulted with you but a person who can hear both of them, means wife and husband.

    3. Without hearing the wife side of the story, we can not judge that their marriage is a disaster, but we can see that in this article there an abet for the husband.

    4. The case mentioned as a problem shows that he is rather likely to shows you that he is not happy with his marriage, and getting closer to you.

    • Adam says:

      Sam and you just showed us that you are the type of person that thinks it is the husbands fault on everything. Some women are very inept at taking care of the husbands feelings. Once a man's heart has been broken there is no "strong person" left to show. Which she covered in her article and you ignored it or just didn't read all the way through.

      • Jean says:

        Adam. are you really implying that women's hearts don't get broken? Wow! Such like of awareness.

        You see Adam, you and any other person who sits around writing articles, writing lists, or just supporting doctrines give a false picture of man woman relationships, that make the lines slant to show only that the husband hurts, but forgets to show that the wife's has hurt and pain…………then Adam you will get reactions from women like myself, who speak the truth !!!

        • Jeff says:

          Adam did not imply that. You just refuse anything to be said that’s not aboutnyournthoughts.


        • love one another says:

          dang girl, quit trying to make women all victims….I’m not a victim, nor did he say that women do not get their hearts broken….

  • Graeme says:

    I'm not quite sure whether my ex wife wanted a puppet or a husband. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I'd be criticized if I didn't help with the housework and if I did I'd be pulled apart for doing it incorrectly. My wife was a control freak and emotional vampire. She sucks the life out of those close to her by making demands, accusations and snide remarks. Denial was and is her MO. Gaslighting is her art-form.
    Being with her was like being slowly dissolved in an acid bath. Up to my eyeballs in addiction and the brink of suicide I got out of there, my mental health has been on the up ever since. My heart is broken for my children, no child deserves to see their father destroyed like they did.

  • wendy says:

    Your right and I am going to lose my husband,I love and need him more then ever, all I ask for Is attention I don’t get it he says he has know time for me he

    Treats me like I’m not around when his family is here he does many things for them and with them he never involves me we are not married his kids are not nice to me his sons are 34 and 33 they moved out when I moved in he will not say anything to them when they disrespect me I am very sad and I don’t like myself much I do nothing good enough his relatives treat me as if I’m not good enough for him I lost my self worth

    • Jean says:

      Ladies, please know that you all are vital. You are. Whole with or without a man! Women are human beings too. Love yourselves. I have males in my life, I care for them, but I sure do love myself before I place myself in a relationship..
      A female is nothing without her self respect and dignity. If we exalt our men, wait on our end hand and foot, kiss up to their behinds, and they mistreat us, what dignity do you gave left? That's why man will not respect you, you do not respect yourself.
      Women must seek guidance from wise women, not from men!! Men are loyal to other men!! I have not been hurt or abused, but I know better than to place all my trust in a man.
      Don't be deceived by men or women who have been indoctrinated and who write articles telling women what we need to do for men, and what we do wrong.

      Know that you are important, contrary to what anyone else says to you. There comes a time, when each female needs to love herself, before she loves a man. Females need to realize that they can be in a room by themselves and ignore a male who is not kind to them. We females have got to realize that we do not need a man, if we have not learned to love ourselves. Really and truthfully
      Stop grinning up. Don't kiss up. Love you!

      • Anthony says:

        Jean, you just really don’t know when to quit. this page is for a man, please go back to the feminist side of the internet. And before you try to come at me foaming at the mouth. Just know you will not gain any ground with me.. I’m completely done with women that use the breasts and vagina as a proverbial crutch to claim inequality.. I laugh daily at the amount of butt hurt people on this planet blacks whites browns anti fem and feminists gays and lesbians all walking around crying for rights but guess what you can’t have equal rights if your neighbor takes more rights than you have.

        • Jean says:

          Are you the site owner? If not, shut it!! Anyway, this page is not for men. It's supposed to be telling wives how we are supposedly injuring our husbands. But the list is not realistic. It really tells what men ALSO, do. But it seems someone is not admitting their faults. Husbands who think that wives are the only guilty ones, are either mighty dumb, naive, or just playing a slick mind game with women, to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. It works for some women. They buy this crap! I don't!
          Now, if you really want us wives to stay away, how will you and other men be able to continue to brainwash us into believing we are guilty. Also, if you want us to stay away from this site, then make sure you stay your butt out of the female sites and female spaces, where you all continue to try to tell us how females are supposed to be naked, how she should think, feel, speak, dress, get and keep a man, how to worship him, how to allow him to cheat and blame yourself, how to let his parents step over your boundaries, and how to keep your mouth shut while slaving for your husband.
          When you and other men learn to give respect to women the way you scream for respect, then aggressive, big mouth females like me, will stay in your spaces. Stop trying to dominate what women.

    • Jeff says:

      I’m sorry, You don’t deserve that. Tell him how you feel, try not to say what he does… It may prompt him to start saying what you do then you guys aren’t having the right conversation… feelings not actions.

      Actions can be what you both agree on as a resolution & not bullets points in a power struggle to win “who’s better at hurting the other”

      Stay on point, don’t be distracted, feelings.

      I wish you all the best.

    • love one another says:

      It is called ‘SELF ESTEEM’ the way YOU fel about YOU!
      No one can change that!
      We can get run down though.
      If you are not married, and are that miserable, why are you there?

      If you say ‘because i love him’, then you need to reexamine your definition of love.

      Good luck sweetheart!

  • Jean says:

    I think a helpful thing Ron and other article writers could do is, write 2 lists on the same page. And the lists need to be very much the same, because men do the same hurtful things to their wives that they claim only wives do. It's all a big lie ladies. Don't fall for these man made doctrines that these people tell you about what wives are to do.

    No man can tell any women how she feels, no man can tell a woman what they need and want. They are not women. Women need affirmation, to be respected, don't like to be nagged, don't want the husband to embarrass her in front of others, need space away from their husbands but can't get it because women are always cooking and cleaning , we also want our efforts to be appreciated, and don't tell us " it's no big deal when his mother is nasty to us"

    You see Ron, women need and want practically all the same things,. What makes you think women do not have pride too and want our egos stroked too. Oh, I know, it's probably because you article writers don't tell the truth from the woman's perspective.
    See, I am not like some of the indoctrinated women who write here and forget to speak the truth. I dont sell my gender out, the way that some weak women do.

    • Sam says:

      Tough, rough, and gorgeous..just doesnt seem to mix well Jim, sorry “Jean”. Lucky for you, transgender is becoming more and more popular!

      • Sam says:

        Goodluck with your surgery!

      • Jean says:

        Go ahead little Sam, what you're doing is called "bullying". But, go ahead, since that's all you know how to do. You can call me all the names you want. Make you feel better? Your character, or lack of character, is so obvious.
        Now, just so you and other males get it, I will continue to support females. I won't allow you or any other commenter, to blame and belittle females, for male' sins, need to be exalted, and your lustful, carnal desires. Females are used to these pitiful, pathetic, "blame and scold" articles that are written all over the Internet, by a bunch of anti female doctrine creators. This is nothing new.

        Now, go ahead and make another weak shot.

        • love one another says:

          Jean you have done nothing but find fault, bully and badger in every single one of your posts…..

          It is like you are trying to create a divide to get women ‘on your side’.

          Please quit advising people, it is not fruitful.

  • Brenda says:

    Thank you for your wisdom! As woman I was taught to rely on myself which led to fierce independence and under appreciation or dismissal of male efforts to help! Result was withdrawn and end of the relationship

  • Jean says:

    According to this list, husbands are super-sensitive. Seems like every little thing bothers them and instead of taking care of the home and her babies and her pregnancy and her other woman issues, she has got to also walk around on eggshells around him. The way I see it is that, we may need to warn women before they marry, just how sensitive and fragile men are once they marry. It's too much of a struggle to deal with men. I just tell women to run!! 🐎🐎
    Women get wounded and hurt by the things that their husbands say and do to,them, but women try to get the hurt feelings out into the open and then are ready to kiss up to the husbands a few minutes later. All this moving away from your spouse as if you are a little pouty child is not becoming to a grown man.
    Men…….., just tell her whatever she said or did that pissed you off and discuss it with her. Then tell her not to do it to you again. Oh I forgot, the whole trouble in the first place, is because men don't like to and won't discuss or communicate with their wives on a verbal level, only a sexual need level. But these men will get loud and rowdy with his buddies at the football game or in front of the TV.
    See men, verbal communication in a marriage is just as important as the sex you all so desperately crave.
    Marriage could be wonderful, if bother the husband and the wife would stop being pouty, selfish, critical, and distant to their spouses and learn how to be loving, warm, communicative, giving and unselfish.

    • the Chrisnismist says:

      Finally you said something decent:

      “Marriage could be wonderful, if both the husband and the wife would stop being pouty, selfish, critical, and distant to their spouses and learn how to be loving, warm, communicative, giving and unselfish.”

      I would add be nice and sweet with good words and actions done daily, even if u *think* they dont deserve it that day. Set yourself in a good mood, project good feelings and positive attitude towards your spouse, and any negativity from them will be their own.

      Also, ladies, your husband earn your love, trust, and respect the day you said “i do”, as did he. You committed your life, mind, body and soul to him, so why would you say no to sex?
      Oh that’s right, there’s an emergency, fire, kids screaming, going to work, at work, driving, cooking, in public, family dinner, on the toilet, medical emergency, in surgery, and finally, you would say no because you just dont give a fuck about him.
      The man just want to give you all of his love and pleasure you (thats wat he should be doing anyway), and pushing him away because you’re “not in the mood” and refusing to give him the time to get u in the mood is basically saying to him that you dont appreciate him. If you say tomorrow, then keep that promise, because it builds and builds and resentment WILL set in and it WILL errode trust.
      He’s done 15 things u asked of him that day, cant you do just 1 for him? Weigh up the costs and benefits, you’ll discover there is so many benefits to saying yes, and even more costs from saying no – costs which manifest over time into huge problems that will spill over onto all aspects if no is said on a consistent pattern.
      Be the first to treat him like a King, and you will feel like a Queen and find that he (already) treats u like one, and he will be able to easily give you “Happy Wife, Happy Life”.
      It takes two to make it work well, but just one to ruin it.

  • thembi says:

    my husband he resently attend a new church and he chanched a lot sience he became a believer,hes not a man i used to know anymore he treats me like his room mate,he even tells me what if back then he was only pretending now he has changed he is a believer and his he loves his church so much his church comes first in everything even his family,hes always so tired and sleepy the entere week but friday and sunday when he goes to church hes not,when i talk to him about that and not spending time with us he gets angry and tells me its because i dond like his church thats y iam complaining always,and tells me i shoul get use to the fack that his church comes first,ive tried to be a good wife to him but he always push me aways because of his church,what can i do to get my husband back to his family i dont want him to leave his church but i want him to be a father and a husband to be,please help

  • J says:

    I understand not cutting a man down, but honestly this article just wants me to say “suck it up and be a man”! Why do we have to tip toe around our husbands feelings and boost their ego all the time. He doesn’t nor has any other past partner done this for me. Men act all tough but you are just big children. It drives me crazy that as a mother and wife I have to lift everyone else up while I’m the one who has the world on my shoulders with everyone adding to my load and not helping or cheering me on! Men need to grow up and be responsible for their own self worth and stop being so sensitive. Plus if men wouldn’t do everything half ass to get out of working maybe we wouldn’t nag so much. Just do the job and do it right the first time. What would you men do if we cook your meals half way or burn them and expect you to eat it, like it, and tell us it was the best meal ever? I’m tired of stroking my husbands ego and enabling his childish behavior. Grow a set!

  • William says:

    I’m not sure what to do any more. I’ve tried changing myself, but she still treats me as a roommate. She’s done all of these to me, and I’m used to it now and I’m not even hurt by it anymore. Every time something happens, whether it’s how she feels, or if I did something by accident; all I here is “I hate you, your not normal, your crazy, I don’t love you.” But I don’t do anything to her. In fact I avoid her now. And when I confronted her she repeated those things and said to me “you don’t know my past.” I told her that I didn’t marry her for her past. And when I pursue her further she starts getting meaner, and and won’t tell me why or how I’m crazy, not normal, weird, and why she hates me. She never has a reason. She only repeats her self. Except one time she said that she still loves her ex boy friend. She’s threatened me with divorce to, but only does so when I pursue her. So I called her bluff and told her to find me someone normal and I’ll divorce you. And she didn’t say anything, nor do anything afterwards.

  • David says:

    Bang on the button…!
    Essential wisdom to every healthy marriage as well as those in trouble….

  • ronedmondson says:

    We do remove them as we find them. Thank you. 

  • E Rick says:

    Dang, I am glad I read this. Knowing that other men are going through what I have been for years is helpful.

    • Jean says:

      Wives go through this too, because even though article writers and the men here, and some of these women readers, will not admit, husbands do these too.
      I can't wait until women wake up and begin to write counter articles that give a balanced view of marriage and tell all the mess that wives go through with husbands that need to be exalted.

  • Brigit says:

    Ill admite i do this with out even knowing it but theres alot of stress between us he has injured me too he lets his friends put me down n he dose the same no respect n it iv become so bitter tords him

    • Jean says:

      Thank you for standing in your truth. I just can't get an understanding on this belief that only the wife is accused for doing these things, when it is as plain as the nose on your face that our husbands do these too.
      I am able to stand in my truth. I cannot lie and say my husband is not guilty of doing these. Plus, I see my friends' husbands doing most of these.

  • @cyndiivy says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I made a careful mental checklist, and have read both articles. My husband and I are not injuring each other in these ways! And, I believe anyone who gets angry over the article, probably has a little guilt over the items they could not check of their list. We vow to be a partner for each other when we marry. The biggest mistake you can make in a marriage is forgetting that you are not there to change, or criticize, but to partner, support and lift the other person.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Thank you. What a graceful comment. 

    • kitt says:

      Getting angry over an article does not mean a person has guilt. It might mean that the particular wife sees her husband doing those same things to her and she is tired of reading where people like you say these are things that only wives do. Our husbands do these all the time.

    • Jean says:

      Oh so you are saying that getting angry about the article denotes guilt? Are you saying a person is angry because they probably can't check some of the items off this list. Wow, what an unusual conclusion! You are absolutely wrong. Women getting angry about these type articles that are thrown at them, could be angry because they are simply fed up with the abundance of lists that article writers keep throwing at and blaming wives about.

      If you do a search on topics with the terms: obedient wives, docile wives, exalting husband wives, respect wives, surrender wives, submissive wives, respect wives, Biblical wives, etc, you will see all, these cult like articles and books that women actually and shamefully write about other women. This is why women react with anger.

  • Amanda says:

    I just put my husband down in front of his friend without knowing/ noticing it, he says i was stiriing at his friend which is sending wrong signals, and now he cant forgive me he needs a divorce. So sad

  • Tracy-lee Anderson says:

    Hi,I think you have indeed done us all a huge favor in writing this blog,and so appreciate you taking the bold move to do so.I've spent months trying to work out what goes on in his mind,(things from his side) and as I try to get him to converse with me ,asking how he feels about things but he will just sit there when I'm talking to him ,or get on his computer ,and doesn't acknowledge I'm speaking to him or respond in anyway.Except ,if he tells just shut up.As hard as I try,I end up frustrated and or I end up just walking off after asking him several times to please take the time to do this for both of us.Please help me if you can,with ways or ideas on how to work with him to do this.I love this man with everything I am,I've tried being understanding and done all I can think of to always look at things from his side to,even when he cheated and I was devastated ,I still looked at what could of been behind why,or what he was feeling that resulted in it.Yet I made the choice to try on over come it all.I'm fighting cancer on top of it all and I'm not sure how much longer I have the strength to work alone to fix this.It unfortunately emotionally is destroying me,Ive always been one to focus on the bright side of everything but at this point Im feeling that it would be easier to give into cancer and let us both off the hook.I once promised him I'd never give up on him or turn my back on him,and dont want to,but Im running out of ideas and the will power to make us both happy
    Kind regards TracyLee
    Your advice would be g

  • Stephanie says:

    Oh my gosh!!! Even though my marriage is stronger than its ever been, I see that I do a few of these things. I never considered it might make him feel “less than”. I will definitely be more aware of my actions in the future. Thank you.

  • Cecily says:

    I can attest to this and my marriage is very rocky right now and the next step is counseling, but my issue with him is not letting me know what’s bothering him from me so that I know what to work on on my end.

  • Charles says:

    My wife does all of these to me. When I try to tell her about how it hurts me she just downplays it and calls me over emotional

    • Earl says:

      That is exactly what my wife does. She tells me I am being a child or to “man up”! Is she kidding me? She wants communication but only if it confirms her feelings. She is rude and disrespectful to me and behind my back with other people . It is called Pride!

  • bobby says:

    I hate it when your wife always says she is leaving

  • sacious says:

    I think this article had really great information. However because of the sarcasm there wasn’t much of an explanation of the feelings that come from the action. I just wish there was less sarcasm and more explanation.

  • Mo says:

    I agree with everything you have outlined and most of the behavior pattern from a women in that way comes from being hurt and not having the strength anymore to make it work. It stems from the build up of events, fearing the unknown and disappointment. When you patience have run up. Women grow as fairytales because it’s what society gives. When you tired of being the strong one it all comes out as fire and both are hurting. How do you treat one with respect when you feel he is the reason for what you have become.

  • Audrey says:

    Hi. I came across this article because my husband mentioned it. Its a great perspective from the man’s point of view. I want to be a good wife, so I hope to improve from this.

    We are a young couple, 24. We’ve been together since we were 16, married at 21. We are at the point of resentment and cursing at each other. I did not invision my married life to be argument after argument.

    The nagging.

    I nag. My husband has complained about it. What should I do though if its bad? Like if I ask B (hubs) to take out the trash please, and days later (6 bags of trash on the porch) and its still not done, am I not supposed to ask again? When we first started living together, if I asked more than once for B to do something, he would state, ‘because you’ve nagged, I’m not going to do it.’ …. I try to be as sweet and politely ask, but its always a fuse to him. I’ve just started to not ask anything of him.

    Hold him responsible for my well being.

    I do this, I do. Should never look to him for my happiness? I do not understand how to balance this. Days I will focus on my happiness, I am accused of being selfish. If I focus on his happiness and I become strung out on the one-sided ness of it all, I’m left alone and unhappy. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely unappreciated. I am a stay at home mom to our two children, and B has no responsibilities at home. I do all the housework, all the child rearing, everything, besides go to work. I cannot remember the last time I was told I’m beautiful or I looked nice. That hurts my heart, that hurts my well being. I get told by strangers of my attractiveness more than he has. I tell him he’s handsome several times a week. He still is so handsome to me and it strikes me and I tell him. Every time he comes home from work, and I ask about his day, and he tells me his accomplishments, I praise him. I have asked him for appreciation. He has told me, ‘What should you be praised for?’ Our house is clean, always a warm dinner on the table, children are well adjusted … He tells me he doesn’t expect anything from me. He tells me I focus on the kids too much. They are a 24 hour job, I ask him what I’m supposed to do with them, to give him attention. We wake to leave before he goes to work 7am, they are put to bed when he comes home. 10pm. I am so tired by then, I fall asleep on their bedroom floor every night. I don’t know what to do. My parents are bad role models, I cannot look to them for advice. His parents are loving and affectionate and equals after 25 years of marriage.

    Complain about what I haven’t done.

    Some days I can’t get everything done. My husband comes home and will point it out, ‘why is there laundry on the bed’. And I give him an excuse, and complain about how the day/kids were chaotic and it didn’t get done. Should I hold my tongue? Should I be just nonchalant about the things that I was stressed about?

    Another problem B has told me, is that I tell him too much of my problems. He says I should tell my friends instead. I thought he is my best friend, the only person I can trust with my stresses and worries. Should I stop telling him these types of things? I don’t have any other confidants. Would it be better to hold it in instead?

    Please someone give me advice. I want to be a good wife. I want us to grow in love, and death do us part.

    • ronedmondson says:

      The bottom line here is you need counseling. You have only been married a few years, but you've been together a long time. Long enough for him to settle too much on the relationship and take advantage of you. He is de-valuing you by not hearing you. I certainly can't answer why in an email like this. There could be multiple reasons — probably on both sides. Some in how you communicate with each other and some on deeper understandings of how a marriage works best. If you get counseling now you can probably build a foundation for an incredible marriage for years. If you don't do something, my experience tells me you'll only continue to grow in frustration. These type things don't solve themselves, but a third party may be just what you need.  I should say he likely won't want this. May resist at first. He won't even see the need. But, you can ever share this with him. Writing him a letter might help, but you will do both of you well to convince him to do some counseling together with a good Christian counselor.  Praying for you. 

      • Jean says:

        Ron, don't get offended by my comment, but I don't get it.

        Ron, I don't get why you say that a husband might resist ? Why should she need to write him a letter. Does this mean men/husbands are not Chirist like, when they can't admit their faults and resist help for their.marriages. What does this say about men ? It's kind of scary to read all these comments and rules about how exalted a man needs to feel. This is some scary doctrines

        • ronedmondson says:

          Jean from your numerous comments i would say we disagree on a lot. No offense here. I just say we leave it at that. My blog isn't designed to argue. Thanks so much. 

    • ronedmondson says:

      Also, you might read “For Women Only” and buy him “For Men Only”. Great books to better understand each other. They are by Shaunti Feldhan. 

      • Audrey says:

        Thank you, I will try to get both of those books. I will look to my church to see if they have any counseling. He doesn’t go to service with me, but maybe he might go to counseling there. Thank you again for your tips.

  • Su Myat says:

    I and my husband met since we were in university lives. Now we are 27 years old. We are born in same year. In the past, I would like him to take care of me and respect me like other guys. But he didn't. I know he loves me so much. He is not interested in knowing how to show his love. We are arguing with each other most of our time. I also did many mistakes and things that he didn't like. When we quarrel, we said each other to hurt. I love him so much. I would like him to understand me and love me like before. I don't know how to do.Can u please advice me?

  • Diana says:

    Ron thanks for the blog and I can only identify with holding my husband responsible for my emotional well-being which may indeed be the worst one. I am aware about 50% the other time im not aware and truly either way hate the fact I do this to him. As much as I know I can’t expect him to make me happy at times I wish I could make him happy and he has withdrawn to the point he “does not care ” and divorce if I can’t stop controlling him with my emotions. Ron I’m trying! To be aware of my behavior and facial expressions. Actions are worth more than words so as a man what can I do to show him I’m happy. And I’m not holding him responsible?

  • XNXX says:

    I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

  • Waterworks says:

    I am guilty of most of what you said. Yet I am that way because of either what he does or doesn’t do. He knows how I feel because we have talked about hurting each other time and again … But he probably thinks I am the only one who hurts him. I have reached a point where I know talking is pointless because it all comes back to me, so I just cry when he is not around until I find that strength to carry on again. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. My marriage looks perfect and I probably should not have anything to complain, but the little things bother me so much they make me feel he does not care about what I say, do, thing. Your article seems to suggest that I keep my hurts to myself (as I have been doing) and leave him be. It makes him think everything is fine and we have no conflict. But I am dying inside.

    • Diana says:

      You are not alone I feel exactly the same way. He tells me I contol him with my emotions and in some cases it show in my face that I’m not happy when he withdrawals. I want to just be happy and want my husband tone happy again with me. I’m right here with you waterworks!

  • Minette says:

    I dont even know if im wounded but i wish one of us could just die – coming here to this house or trying to be in one room more than 10 minutes is unbearable

    • Beth says:

      @ Waterworks I don’t think he meant this article that way at all. He is telling what not to do of we want to be in a good marriage.
      If either of you is hurting the other, then you are probably both responding to some thing the other has done. Work on showing an attitude of gratefulness for the blessings in your life and pray for God to HELP YOU change. pray GOOD prayers for your husband and the dynamic in your relationship will change. Mine did. I didn’t tell God what was wrong with my husband but that He would help me to be the wife He DESIGNED me to be. When I began to show joy and appreciate my husband and life from a heart of obedience to God, my entire life, every area began to change.
      You can’t ask a man or anyone else to live to make you happy only God can do that.

    • Hopeless and heartache says:

      <~~~ Same situation here. I have been with only this man for 15 years. I was very young (18) when we got together. We have been threw alot together. Both of us come from unhealthy damaged upbringings'. In the beginning, I know he cherished me and was proud to have me by his side. He used to be interested in my thoughts and feelings. In the beginning when his actions or words broke my heart I would speak up and let him know. He was very attentive and emotionally there for me. The last 6 years of our relationship he shows no interest in emotionally supporting me. Basically, I've been kicking a dead horse for years and I'm very emotionally exhausted. The "nagging" I do when I'm emotionally strong enough, is repeating how hurt I am when he does something or says something that makes me feel he cares about everyone's opinions of him or cares about other peoples feelings before mine, including his own. I have been so disgusted with myself for sticking around and allowing him to speak to me in his "LOUD irritated degrading TONE of voice". I'm confident it is his concious choice to respond to me in a negative way with the intent to make me hurt. Whenever I haven't fulfilled his sexual need for a while his actions toward me become more thoughtful and his tone of voice towards me is what I remember in the beginning. Once his sexual need is met I'm back to walking on egg shells preparing myself emotionally for his hateful tone again. I get the feeling guys just want to be "together" with a woman in the bedroom whereas woman want to be "together" and included in every room of the house. He has told me a few times that I keep "stoning him". In reality, alot of times Im just trying to communicate with him like normal human beings do. I can't understand why he feels that way because I feel If he loved me he would be understanding and patient with me. I let him down sexually because he lets me down emotionally. I do not do it by choice or for punishment, I don't desire to be with him sexually because he treats me like shit. BTW, I'm very aware I'm not perfect and I'm sure alot of my actions are reacting back in negative wrong ways. My soul is broken. We have a 14yr old daughter together. Once I had my daughter I realized I didn't want the domino effect of not having both Mom and Dad under the same roof "together". I think we are both good people, why can't we get it together and find peace in our relationship? Someone mentioned writing a letter, can you give us a example from a mans perspective? Thanks, hopeless and heartache

  • Conservative Mark says:

    I make allowances for my lady. I sometimes kid her about me needing to find her "bitch switch" to turn it off. Normally I do not get too angry as I figure it is the result of menopause but sometimes I do get hurt and then I shut down.

  • shawn says:

    Rip25, in all of your posts you say “if he does what he is asked to do”. What about what you dont do, what if he feels like a slave to you. Because the way im taking what you are saying is its up to him to prevent nagging. Sounds like a guy walking around with a ball and chain.

    • Jean says:

      Guess what Shawn?? Men nag too. You all just whisper and mumble under your breath as you all walk away and hide in the garage like a pouty child. Need examples? I can't understand why women won't speak up and tell about how their husbands nag them.
      It's not just women. It's probably more noticeable that women fuss a lot, because women are the ones left with the abundance of household chores while these lazy behind husbands expect for them to pick up after them, really men? Do you all really expect for your wife to knock herself out taking care of her children, the house and your grown capable behind?
      Then, as soon as the wife says something about how she is tired of picking up after him and the other children 🙂 , then some anti woman decides to write an article about women nagging men.
      When did some people in this country become so stupid?

      • sfs says:

        Jean everything you write is attacking men while saying that the article is attacking women. You place the blame on men instead of on both parties. You have generalized all men into one category. I am a man and have feelings that are hurt constantly by my wife drinking and driving our infant son around, buy her looking for her exes, by her never asking how I’m feeling, by her treating me like I do nothing even after I completely cleaned the kitchen after making my coffee before I go spend all day at work and then because I’m a chef I come home and cook dinner. Her disabled parents live with us and because they can’t afford enough for to last them a month we spend several hundred dollars of OUR paycheck ( yes OUR because while at work she keeps the house clean and our child cared for…. Well when she isn’t drinking. ) to feed them too. But she treats me like and says I do nothing because she is in a bad mood. I tell her to get a job and I will start home and take care of the home and our family, but all I hear then it’s some nonsense about her not deserving to be a stay at home mother. On top of everything nearly every day I come home from work I tell her how nice she keeps our home and how beautiful her hair or dress or eyes look. Yet I do nothing. I don’t expect her to way my clothes and when I get home she does all the laundry but mine. I don’t complain I just throw my clothes in the laundry when necessary. Yes I tell her that she works harder than I do because while I’m at work she cares for our son and her parents. If I ask her why she treats me that way and makes the snide remarks that she does she says if i spent more time at home I would understand. She doesn’t want to switch places, she doesn’t want us both to work and she doesn’t want to be homeless? I love her but am seriously hurt that I’m treated this way and left to suffer on my own. My question for you is should I just generalize all women into one big man hating category because of the way she treats me? Do I do things that upset her? Of course, sometimes I have bad days too. I’m only human just like her. I need my feelings tended to as well, yet when I’m hurt she gets mad at me. Should I just figure that because she is a woman she is emotionally cruel and completely unaffected by anything I’m going through? I think not, no I should take the initiative and look for articles like this to help her have an understanding of what I’m going through with her while at the same time reading about what she is going through, like I am. You are right a man can’t tell a woman how she feels, but a man ( like the one that wrote this article) can tell women how many men feel. This is an article that people read for one of two reasons, to try and help save their relationship or to find a worldwide way to point the finger at someone else, like you have. The writer is a man so if you didn’t want to read a man’s opinion then you should have moved on. This is to help a failing relationship, who better than a man to write about what a woman does to hurt a man. Clearly you have between in some bad relationships with men and for that I’m sorry we are not all the same just like I’m sure you aren’t like my wife and my wife isn’t like you. A woman can’t tell a man how he feels either don’t you think. I can understand becoming jaded in your view of some men but to generalize us all into one feeling less category is you being sexist which women rightfully fought against. You should have respect for those of us that are at least trying to make our relationships work and happy that there are men out there willing to not only read but write articles such as this. This article is just like all the articles written by women telling men what they need to understand about how a man hurts a woman’s feelings, it’s just telling women that men have feelings that they hurt as well. I hope one day if you want it you can find a man that is willing to work towards reading and discussing articles such as this. As the author stated he spoke with his wife about all of these things before writing them.

        • Jean says:

          And you are writing an attack at me. So you are just as guilty. You wrote all that proganda at women? Why aren't you replying to these hateful men commenters. You are being just as sexist as anyone else here.
          It amazes me how stupid some men can be to think that they do not do the same things to their wives. Are you clueless or what ?
          Sfs, Just because you are hurt or hate women does not give you the right to attack all women. You can move on too, if you don't want to read what women have to say. You dont have to be here, But you sfs, don't own the Internet and cannot tell women where they should read. You men take your fast behinds to women websites and are ALWAYS butting in. Double standard much?? So deal with it!!

          I realize your weak strategy is to offend me and other women, but doesn't work.. Your typical man remark about women who have an opinion, as " being hurt from bad relationships" and " hope you will find a good man", are such typical man-made tired worn out statements that you men write. So pathetic.

          This doesn't hurt or scare us, for you to say that. Sorry you have been rejected and hurt by some women and are now being hurt by a woman. But all women are not the same and you cannot paint us with a broad.

      • johnnyb says:

        By all means Jean, don’t be shy. Feel free to speak up. Lol

  • Perfect Husbo says:

    Only negative comments are coming from women sounds like! Or the feminine homosexual men. Great article! Listen up girls! This will keep your men out of the mistress, and the lawyers out of you!!

    • Jean says:

      Perfect Husband,
      I speak for many women, and that is we are sick an tired of you and other men's threats about cheating and having mistresses, you men are too much work in marriage, so go dear heart…….to your mistress, in fact do us a favor and run to her. Hurry, we are tired of you all and your lists. Good riddance.

  • Holly says:

    I did all seven of these to my husband and we were headed for divorce. I got eight months of counseling and our relationship couldn’t be better! I love this article. So true

  • sup says:

    Well it would be much appreciated if u make it clear at the beginning of this article itself that this article is applicable on perfect husbands.. who are perfect is every way, do the best for their family and are the best with their wives and still their wives hurt them sometimes knowingly or unknowingly.. Coz all the above can't be applicable to husbands who never care about their wives feelings, never stand by her and never respect her.. in such a case how can a husband even expect his wife to behave well with him!!!
    So please make that clear, otherwise all the stuff you wrote can be pretty misleading

    • Perfect Husband says:

      Perfect husbands?? No such thing. Youre obviously a bitter divorce’. Listen to this great article for your 5th marriage. U wont obviously on your first several so youll be divorced alot. Great article!

      • Jean says:

        Skip the sarcasm and bad attitude . You give decent men a bad name.

      • Jean says:

        That was so ugly and nasty to say to her. You are the one who sounds likes bitter person. If you ant be respectful, you might want to find a wife bashing website. Not here!

  • Jose Duran says:

    It’s sad that I didn’t read something like this ,years past, when it mattered. Now, I can find solace in the fact that my predicament was not so unusual.

  • Julie Zamora says:

    This post helped me to see things from my husbands perspective and made me realize how I’ve been treating him. Thank you so much!

  • Tony says:

    My question would be, is he doing it wrong? Or is he just not doing it your way? Because there is a difference. Ask yourself if it makes a difference. I would say the authors point is to appreciate the effort, not correct the perceived wrong.

    • Jean says:

      This is a tired old sentence, that frankly, I am tired of hearing and reading. It's the one about not complain about the way husband does things and is it wrong or is it just the wife wanting him to do it her way.

      Well people, well men, let this woman finally get you all straight on this:
      1) If a husband puts the one year old baby's diaper on and it's coming off as the baby is walking around, and having a bowel movement, just exactly what is she supposed to do, say oh honey, the baby's diaper is perfect just so the wife lets him do it his way.
      2) If the husband insists on combing the little daughter's hair for school and hurts her head and the fastens the hair bow on too tightly and the daughter cones running to mom to fix it. You all want the daughter to be upset and in pain, just do you all can say let him do it his way?
      3) If the husband prepared a dish fior guests who are arriving soon, and it is not a little salty, but much too salty. and the wife knows how to get that salty taste dissolved. But you all say let him do it his way?
      4) Husband wants to do the laundry and when he opens the machine as water flows into a load where some valuable clothing is bleeding on other items. Should the wife hush and say nothing just so he does it his way?

      How far do you people take this crap about letting a husband do things his way? Heck, if he is unable to do some things, he just is unable. If the wife was trying to wax the car and she was making a mess, would you men say to let her do it her way and you drive to work with dried, unbuffed wax on a navy blue car.? No, the man would immediately go and redo the wax job.
      Or is it just men who can never be chided. Wow, if this is what men are all about, then women need to run. There us too much scolding of women and too many rules that are throw at women. Marriage is not comfortable for women. Men have made a mockery of it. Is it fair that the wife has to do all the housework, childcare, told to adjust her body and looks, give birth and strain her bodies, told to let her man lead everything, even into female space, and on top of that, told to let him do everything, his way, even if he tears the house down.
      Now you men cannot really expect for women to go sling with this crap!
      Somebody please tell me that men are really aliens and that's why they have ridiculous expectations of women.

      • Earl says:

        Well as soon as you learn to mow the lawn and change the oil on your own car or fix the printer on the computer that you jammed for the fifth time, or learn how to hook up the surround sound or hang a shelf…. And appreciate what we do do instead of focusing on everything that we do wrong, maybe we would start to give a crap about how you feel on the subject.

        • Jean says:

          What's the problem?

        • Jean says:

          Earl, as soon as you learn how to make the beds, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and give birth………
          As soon as you appreciate what women instead of focusing on some nit picking mess about what a woman does wrong. Then maybe you will see women give a hoot about you changing a tire or some crap like that.

  • Another wife says:

    I am kind of on the fence about this article. While I feel that it does give a lot of great insight to how I could be hurting my husbands ego, there are a few questionable points in there.

    Like how we shouldn’t go and fix something after our husband just tried. Well maybe if it was done right in the first place we wouldn’t have to go behind them? Do you recommend a nice way of saying that to a spouse?!

    Also, it says we need to nag less. Have you ever thought there was a good reason for our nagging? Women will agree that most will come home and just throw their belongings over the entire house and just expect us to clean it up without as much as a thank you.

    I am definitely trying to be sympathetic to the article but it is quite hard when points are so easily answered..

  • Another man says:

    After 7 years of constant nagging about not helping around the house and what not I finally got fedup with all that. Now Im doing all the dishes, making every meal, cleaning every washing cycle and you know what I found out? She is even MORE needy now! I started doing all those things so she would get off my back, but now she has more time on her hands and she wants to spend it with me more, which wasnt my primary goal of the experiment. Now im seriously planning on how to dump her in the next few weeks when i get my stuff out of the house. Blowjobs are nice, but really not worth my freedom. Women think that every second that you spend together has to be around “her” or “us”, but when is there time for “him”? When we ask for such time it gets belitled and disregarded as unimportant…

  • Diana Collier says:

    Wonderful article. Great insight

  • jeff schenkel says:

    i think it started with 'here eat this apple,its going to be alright,the snake said so'

  • wip25 says:

    it always bothers me when men bring up the whole badger/nag issue. Personally if men were helping out around the house and actually doing the things their wives want them to do or asks him to do then she wouldn't have a reason to badger/nag. If you think she is the only one who has to do that then just tell her to stop being so lazy and do her job.The only job you feel she is capable of doing. Fact is men make messes and therefore should be willing to help clean them up and do his part in the up keep of the home. He should do it in an actual timely manner. Not when the rain comes and the wife is putting pans all over the house to catch the water. Or the walls have so much mildew that the kids are developing athsma. Or the trash has built up to the point that you cannot get around the house. Or the dishes have built up to the point of no return. Or the clothes are strewn around the house. Sorry but I hear men brag about how they take their clothes of and drop them where he stands and his wife must then follow behind him picking up after him and the kids. Because lets face if if dad doesn't respect mom enough not to treat her as a slave the kids will not respect her either. Dad is in fact the example to the kids as how to treat the wife/mom. Most do not care enough and actually disrespect women way more than women can ever respect men. This is shown in the single world also where men just bed one woman after another and discard them as soon as he is done with her and the things they say is so full of flat out disrespect that it is completely destructive. If men are to be the leaders of women and they want to be treated better then isn't it high time they actually took that responsibility back and started being better men/husbands/fathers/boyfriends/brothers/sons. ect.

    • jeff says:

      Congratulations on missing the point of the article entirely, you dumb twat. It was meant to provide insight, not to assign blame. But, by all means, keep trashing men in general and ignoring the help the author is trying to give you.

      • wip25 says:

        Calling me a dumb twat is precisely the reason I do not worship the ground you perfect men think you walk on. I did not at al miss any point. I in fact got the point clearly. The fact remains is that when women supposedly badger/nag it is primarily because the guy in question has yet to do what was asked of him and what he claimed he would in fact do. Because the moment you actually do something then what can she nag about. The job in question was done in a timely manner and she did not have to remind you or bring up the fact that the job wasn't done in the first place. You are exactly the reason so many women have issues with your supposed perfect sex. You are the exact reason women have a hard time respecting your perfect sex.. You are the exact reason women find it hard to submit to your perfect sex. But go ahead and pretend you are perfect in every way. I said nothing about assigning blame. I simply stated an opinion on the way to get us worthless, inferior, insignificant, flawed women to stop nagging your perfect superior butt.

      • Jean says:

        Jeff, if you don't have sense enough to write comments without calling women names, then you need to find a site that is designed for ugly and rude men who can't respect women.
        Sorry, to tell you, but this world is revolving and evolving and things constantly change. That means that you are no longer a cave man who can beat a woman over the head with a club and drag her back to the cave. Wake up and see how some other men behave. You give men a bad name.

    • ralle says:

      It’s obvious that you have been hurt by a boyfriend/husband/son etc

      And I don’t think that you should through all men into the same category as you did.
      Not all men are like that just like not all women dont nag.

      • wip25 says:

        Did I say ALL no I did not. Yet this article and you believe that ALL women are horrible nags. Do me a favor. Try to make yourself the perfect being you think you in fact are. I stand by my opinion no matter how much you ignore it and choose not to read and comprehend what I was saying. Simply because I wasn't born with a dick. If your wife badgers/nags you then you did not do what was expected of you. If you do not do your part in the upkeep of the house then you do not value it as your job and feel as if it is your inferior wifes job. I don't date nor am I married. I don't have kids and if I did my son would be raised to realize that if he can create the mess then he can clean the mess and his mom is not his slave. He will understand what a timely manner means and not procrastinate on things simply because he feels it isn't his job. I don't date because I realize that if I am going to be the only person cleaning up the house then I should be the only one making the mess.No need to work hard to get a weak joke of a love life that only benefits the perfect male sex. Once your entire sex proves you are the greatest thin walking upright then I will start to listen to you but 100% of you best be God Like Perfect.

        • Dude... says:

          So you are not married nor in a relationship nor a mother but you’re trying to provide some kind of insight?! You suck lady and quite frankly are way too arrogant for you’re own good. Perhaps there is a reason you are alone in the relationship department. Lol oh wow

          • Kelly says:

            I am not arrogant by any means. The reason I am alone is because men only cause pain and suffering and they do not benefit women in any way shape or form. Men only want women to be his slave and do his bidding and most of you could care less about any and all women in your lives. You only care at all about women they are just objects that you use. No better than the toilet. You treat your belongings better than you treat your women.

        • guywhosetryin says:

          If you are not married are or even trying to date or no plans to marry, why did you read the article? The whole point is to show that the little things you do in a relationship can have a big effect on your partner. My only suggestion is to reread the article stop wait til you not angry or annoyed read it again wait again then read it a third time

          • Kelly says:

            Being a woman with an opinion doesn't make me stupid by any means. I do not have to read an article 3 times to figure it out. I read it just fine the first time. I made a statement on one part of the article. One. Not the whole thing. Just one part. Maybe instead of insinuating that I am stupid you should read my comment and comprehend what I said.

          • Jean says:

            Some of you men need to stop asking women why they came to a website or why they read an article? They read because it is their right to read anywhere they please. Are you the article police?

            Some of you men are pathetic and have such fragile egos and expectations. You all actually expect for women to exalt you all. How ridiculous!!

            This is some of the reason why women are getting angry over these articles. These "exalt the husband, inspire of all his sins", is too much! These articles are ridiculous and outrageous. If any of you men could stop for just one minute, leave off the name calling, and learn how to carry on adult conversation to try to get solutions to these problems, then maybe men can get some understanding and realize that they need to follow the same guidelines, that are expected of women. .

            Oh, I forgot, some men have such fragile egos and want their wives to exalt them and pretend they are perfect me and don't cause their wives pain and suffering. Oh yeah, I forget, the wife is not to have an opinion. Oh yeah, I forget, the husband is never to show his wife appreciation for all the things she does, day I and day out, oh yeah, that's right, husbands don't put their wives down infeon

    • Britt says:

      Girl, I’m with you on the nagging issue. I just don’t understand…I try to have grace but the issue then gets ignored, and I’m running low on patience there.

      I dont believe you missed the point of the article because you have a response to one point. Thanks for sharing. 😉

    • sfs says:

      It surprises me how you can say most men, really you’ve met most men? Once again women hurt men to, men hurt women, it takes two and those that have been in numerous relationship with men such as you describe should probably look for DIFFERENT types of men. Did it ever occur to you that some women nag and nag and nag when there is truly no reason for it? You hear men brag about their wives having to follow begging them? Then look for a different kind of man. God. Some women do nothing but sleep around, does that mean you do? Some men were raised in a home with a dad that was a disrespectful cruel husband and choose not to be that. No man or woman can say they have never hurt their significant other, but does that mean no one should ever be with anyone because at some point someone hurt someone else’s feelings. Why not write helpful things?

      • Jean says:

        You and other men paint women with a "broad brush", just like women do to men. You all ar no better than us. Face facts.

    • Earl says:

      Why are you on her then? You have no insight at all. Sounds like you are alone because of your man hating attitude. Enjoy your life with your 10 cats.

      • Jean says:

        See how ugly you are. I don't ask why you are her, is it that you are one of those males, who think all women should just stay hidden in a cave or something? You are a sad representative for men. I'm sorry women have rejected you. We are sorry you are by yourself and are anti woman. We are sad for you.

      • Kelly says:

        It is your insulting attitude which is why I CHOOSE to stay alone. Why should I be with a man whose primary purpose in life is to belittle and insult and mistreat the women in his life? Cats treat you better than men and if I had to choose I would get a dog instead. I have a lot of insight because I am observant in the relationships and attitudes of others. I listen to how they speak and see how they treat each other. I stand by my view if men did in fact help around the house instead of sitting on his rear end and making messes women would not have anything to nag about and then on top of that you would actually majically get appreciated for what you do by her.

  • Suzanne says:

    Well I for one would like to congratulate you on trying to help…I think everything you have pointed out here is absolutely true…I am a women even though it says Daniel…he is my soul mate…I read this because I want to be the best partner/wife I can be and the last thing I want to do is make my man unhappy…life is a learning curve and so are relationships…if people take offence it is more likely that they may be guilty of some of the above…I always try to compliment my man…I acknowledge everything he does and tell him what a great job he does because he does try hard at everything he does and he usually does it well…I thank him for going to work…I don't work at the moment due to illness and I am grateful he provides especially as he works away … which at times can be hard on us….things don't happen in a hurry here for many reasons and sometimes that weighs on me and there are so many things I find difficult to do now that, that weighs on me too as I have to wait for Dan to return home to do it…I love that you try to help people for we all need a little help now and then whether we want to admit it or not…thank you for taking the time to share…I for one thought it was worth it. God Bless you. 🙂

  • Conner says:

    Very relevant points given in the article. It is subtle, yet pervasive, in my marriage. I am constantly reminded of how all of the issues with our marriage are a direct cause of my actions. Any good deed I do is always meet with a way to make it better or outright scorn for not doing it the “correct” way. She has a terrible relationship with her father and is now subtlety indoctrinating our children with the belief that their father is a buffoon. It always boils down to something I said or failed to say, or, something I did or failed to do–it is a no-win situation for me. I have tried many, many times to say how I feel, but am always meet with, “how dare you say that!”. I have tried many different methods of communication; all with the same result of how terrible and hurtful I am.

    When we have actually sought out professional help, she always chuckles and shrugs when her shortcomings are brought to the surface, but every issue of mine she jumps all over and berates me for when we’re alone.

    I am completely defeated and resigned. When I am upset with her, I have learned to bury it and deny it. I tell her as genuinely as I can that all is well, because if I voice any complaint, I will, once again, be berated and chastised.

    I no longer dance (which I used to love doing) because I don’t dance “good enough”. I no longer sing because, apparently, since I got married I can’t hold a tune.

    And even though she is reserved and generally quiet, most often a cutting remark will eventually be made in most social gatherings.

    I could go on…

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    • Earl says:

      This is my birthday weekend and we went to the gym together. A couple of my buddies were there and she told them it was my birthday. She then jokingly told them I hadn’t had my spankings yet. She then went on to say that they could do it while I wore her bra and panties because I like to dress up in them or a French maid outfit. WTF … When we were alone I told her that I felt very disrespected and that I told her that was enough as she just kept going on about it and she had just kept on thinking it was funny. I didn’t think she did it intentionally to hurt me but instead of “manning up” herself and apologizing or trying to look at it from my point of view, she said that she was only joking and that I was being way too sensitive. That really pissed me off because o didn’t get mad, I told her how I felt ( like I’m supposed to) and she just totally dismissed my feelings. I told her inwasnoitnofntjere and left since we had come in separate cars. Later that day she got mad and said I was acting like a child and just ran away. I found out later she talked to my friends and told them that I got my feelings hurt and left. More disrespect!!! Now she is calling me homophobic…what, because I don’t like my wife trying to embarrass and humiliate me in front of my friends. You don’t joke at your spouses expense! Now she is not talking to me… Am I wrong here?

  • Leslie says:

    All those things you mentioned in your article are not gender specific. A husband can injure his wife in exactly the same way.

    • jeff says:

      He never said they couldn’t. Quit trying to “make it about you”. Take the advice and apply it. Sheesh. A guy tries to help relationships and the first thing you do is try to start an argument over why he is wrong.

      • Christina says:

        Exactly, just take the good advice and use it. There are plenty of articles out there to help women deal with problems with the men in their lives, but not many that help men, and hardly do I see them bring up the “well women do this, too” card like I see here. While it may be true, it doesn’t negate the fact that it happens and shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not address the issue.

  • Dani says:

    Love your article about wives unconsciously hurting husbands

  • Joan says:


    I appreciate this article and even can understand why you’d want to make it light hearted and take a sarcastic tone, however, I am still left feeling confused and hurt myself. These things you cited are common misunderstandings and sources of contempt in marriage or relationships but what exactly do you suggest women do instead of these things? What constructive ideas can you suggest to women for actually communicating their wants, needs, desires etc. without offending the fragile ego of her man (as you so put in your suckle)? Can you do so in a way that does not passive aggressively spew contempt for the people you are supposedly trying to help?

    • Joan says:

      Article* not suckle


      I appreciate this article and even can understand why you’d want to make it light hearted and take a sarcastic tone, however, I am still left feeling confused and hurt myself. These things you cited are common misunderstandings and sources of contempt in marriage or relationships but what exactly do you suggest women do instead of these things? What constructive ideas can you suggest to women for actually communicating their wants, needs, desires etc. without offending the fragile ego of her man (as you so put in your suckle)? Can you do so in a way that does not passive aggressively spew contempt for the people you are supposedly trying to help?

    • dan says:

      lady, the way you worded that is a sign you’re on the right track. tact and genuine constructive criticism (as opposed to most of the comments above) are the two things a man needs most. we all know we screw up, but most of us don’t know how to handle being yelled at or talked down to without getting downright belligerent.

  • Bobbi says:

    thank you for posting this. We have been married almost 32 years and yet I still need to be reminded of these things. I am guilty of 4 of these. I could easily say it is because I am also injured but I am not responsible for his actions, only my reactions.
    Once again, i say thank you

  • Bad husband says:

    is there such a thing as husband abuse?? wife treats me as an outsider in my own house.. She has even gone to the extent of turning my kids against me.If I try to discipline my kids she is always against me and makes her point of front of the kids…so again I’m the bad one….she is always on her phone chatting to people I don’t know for long hours.. But always trying to check up on me..I can’t take the loneliness any more… Am I doing something wrong?

  • Me says:

    think this is well written and am sure there are many other ways we unintentionally wound each other. Wondering if you’ve ever written on the Christian view of abuse in marriage? If so where to find the article?

  • laura bailey says:

    As a wife, I agree and am thankful for this article to help me understand not only how my husband works but how my words can effect him. Men don’t often react or show hurt the way we do so we don’t realize we can effect them at all. However, the wording of most of the points you made we delivered with sarcasm without any explanation of how this effects the husband or helpful advise. It sounded bitter and badgering so no wonder you thought many women would be offended. We were but not due to the content which I embraced but because you delivered it in a sarcastic and accusatory manner as if you intended it to be. If you had written a counter article on how men hurt their wives, I’d be willing to bet you did some of those very things in this one. Keep in mind that the only women reading this article are the ones who purposefully clicked on it to begin with the heart of a woman who desires to understand her husband and be a better wife to him.

  • Roger says:

    This blog is very helpful. My wife has always hurt me even after I told her many many times how much she hurts me, she doesn’t seem to care, don’t know she’s hurting me or maybe because I don’t cry. I don’t know

    My wife and I had separated so we can resolve our problems, the separation was for 3 months. Comes to find out my wife is pregnant, even though we had tons of sex she claimes it’s mine. She had went to the pregnancy center where they said she’s 10 weeks but we just got back together 7 weeks ago. Now I don’t think our marriage can be fix and I’m just crushed. I also have a daughter that is soon going to be crushed as well after she finds out about her parents getting a divorced. I’m just so lost and hurt at this moment.

  • Shirley says:

    So I read this blog and I found it to be very helpful. But I have one question about the one where the wife has a bad mood with the husband because she’s having a bad day. My question here is, what if the wife is having a wonderful day and very happy then the husband says something offensive and then there is an argument over the smallest issue? Unfortunately this happens more than it should. I’m hurt and tired of crying. I try so hard to change myself for him. I’m not perfect no. I know I hurt him when I don’t mean to and I am trying to recognize this everyday. But at times I feel as though the more I try to change for his benefit he has more control over me. What do I do? I’m so lost.

    • Anonymous says:

      Wow that is exactly how I feel about my husband. I try to explain that his demeanor and how he talks to me affects how I react because I now feel demeaned and attacked if he says something like “are you kidding? You really don’t understand that?” Or ” just stop taking your just making it worse” those things don’t feel good … At all… And I also feel the more I try to be aware the more he will just keep taking. Is it just our fear or actually happening? Argh

      • sfs says:

        Thank you so much for what you wrote. When my wife and I fight I have had to walk away because things just get worse if we try to talk. I am definitely guilty of talking her to quit talking to me cause it’s just making things worse. That’s why I read these articles and the comments

  • Messa says:

    GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, that;s me and sometimes I say eh deserves it. From day one of our friendship, my husband LIED his way into my heart. Long before I grew I love with him, and after sharing with him how I was raised by my wonderful awesome dad and my mother , he LIED to me that he was raised with the same morals, values and principles as I was, only that he had fallen away from then as he grew older and mixed more with friends. All along he was lying. He also told me that he was the only one in the family that had a divorce and about two years later, he confessed to me that his mother and father divorced before he was born, and that his mother gave him to his grand parents to be raised. Therefore, the people he told me was his parents who raised him, had now become his GRANDPARENTS! tHE NUMBER 1 LIE was; I realized that he was losing hair at the hairline and questioned him about it (this was long before I grew in love with him) and he said running his hand through his hair – "no, no, I just lost a bit from the front and I went and had it checked by a professional and they did not find anything wrong with me." I told him maybe it was stress – and joked about him eventually going bald since his brother (who is actually his uncle) had lost all his hair from front to back and was bald! No offence to men who have lost their hair – but I told my then friend that I was not attracted to bald men, never dated one, will not date or marry one – that I love hair. All along, my then friend knew that he was bald in the top and back of his head, and that his real father had male-pattern baldness. He also lied to em that the never watch porn or look at women while walking the streets since it is disrespectful to women and against his religion. He told me that he usually lower his head and that is why they referred to him the PRIEST! aLL ALONG, HE WAS LYING TO WIN MY HEART, which he did after several days, nights and hours of talking an sharing together about things of life, love, relationships, marriage and family. We shred more than I have ever shared with another person in my lifetime – 5 years of sharing, hundreds of emails, poems, ecards and I can go on, and on, and on. I was not keen on the distance, and since we were of different religions, and he being older than me, I was not sure about this relationship – but eventually fell in love with him and decided to visit his country. First thing I realize when meeting him was that he was almost completely BALD, and I felt like getting on the next available flight and returned home. However, I decided to get to know him better and spent 1 month with him. Next, I saw what look liek pron on his computer ad to my surprise afte asking him, "do you watch pron"? and he asked, "what do you mean." I replied, "do you look at naked girls online?" and he replied in shame, Yes. I almost threw-up all over him – I felt so sick in my stomach that this mah dragged me over 9000 miles to tell me this. Next, as we walked hand in hand, he steered at most of the young women that we met, and once we was in a coffee shop and sh the girl server us and walked away, he turned around and look at down her butt. As she returned the second time to serve us and walked away, he AGAIN turned around and look back at her butt. I got up and walked out and he followed me and we argued about it. He claimed that he did not realized that he was doing this. I can go on, and on, and on – but to make a long story short, our relationship lasted 5 years and 3 months and we are still fighting about his lies. I know that I am to blame fro sticking with him – I do not believe in divorce; I was raised in a Christian home with great morals and principles and I do not know how to let go loving him. Now, I tell him off since I am so mad that he lied his way into my life and if he had told me the truth from day one, I would have never had to endure 5 painful years and wasted my youth way. I am upset that our marriage was based on him lying his way into my heart and I let him have it when I know that he is lying. Afterwards, I say I am sorry and th etells me that he deserves it. I know that I have to end this relationship, and I wish I Knew how. Each time I say I am finish, we end up talking once more. This id 5 years and still we are miles apart due to his LIES!

    • stacy says:

      Meesa, my heart breaks for you. Being tricked into a marriage is not right. I fesr for any children you will have with this man so please protect them as well as yourself by leaving & divorcing. There are more & more damaging secrets & patterns this man has likely hidden from you that will destroy any children & you. My prayers are with you.

    • stacy says:

      Meesa, my heart breaks for you. Being tricked into a marriage is not right. I fear for any children you will have with this man so please protect them as well as yourself by leaving & divorcing. There are more & more damaging secrets & patterns this man has likely hidden from you that will destroy any children & you. My prayers are with you.

  • Melanie says:

    I found your post very helpful! Thank you!

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  • Harrison says:

    I knew a woman for almost twenty years, as we grew up together in the same church, and we got into a relationship that was what I wanted and waited for from the moment I met her. We had known each other for almost 17 years at the time. I was in my mid twenties and she just entering her thirties (she was the friend older sister). We talked about being together and were planing on marriage.
    She was everything I ever wanted in a wife and she would tell me that I fit the bill for her as well. While that was going on she would also do everything on this list in ways that made me fill less and less like a man, sapping me of any confidence that once had. I found out (two years after) that most of the people in our circle knew that she was also sleeping with a mutual friend behind my back, while she was refusing to even kiss me at one point. From what I knew, we were really going to wait for our wedding night for sex, but I was the only one holding up that end of the promise.
    She had friends and relatives with children that would also make sure that they used her love and want of children to keep her away from me (they were trashy cousins and were the manipulative type), because I was going to give her her own, and they would have to parent of their own children. They would interfere with our dates and would poison the well as much as they could and would make sure that she was wiped out when she did get away. She would also do these seven things and her friends do them too.
    She left me for the guy that she was sleeping with behind my back, in my home, and in my bed. He would come over to "watch movies" and to do work around the house when she was at the house for the day, when I would be working in mornings. He would beat her and she still would not come back. It would seem like an obvious to just forget about it, and I am talking about here only to point out that these things will not only destroy a man, but they will destroy a man in a woman's mind to the point to were she will run to the arms of another man, even one that mistreats her.
    I was waiting to have sex ( and still am) and was in my mid twenties and I am still the guy that loses the girl to some guy that has confidence, backbone, and something that I do not know how to get, learn, or if I ever had.
    I here all of the time what men do to hurt women, but this is one of the only times I have had anyone talk about the things women do to tare men apart.
    I wish I knew how to solve the problem, because being single sucks and the field seems to be getting filled with women that are injured and looking for me to fix their lives for them and sometimes for their kids too.

  • Park says:

    If my wife did every one of these items, I would still love her without reservation as she has so many great qualities that these few things can be accepted and overlooked. I have a few bad traits also that I expect her to overlook, so that makes us even !!

  • Holly Bailey says:

    Wow. I never knew, I was injuring my husband with some of these things. I see that I am guilty of all of these. God, Forgive me.
    I am also going to ask my husband for forgiveness tonight. And I vow to make it practice to stop this!
    Thank you for the eye opening blog post.

  • Rita says:

    This goes for men and women equally, as I have seen this occur from men toward women very much. Marriage is not about keeping scores, but showing kindness appreciation even when we are tired or irritated. Love is about patience and humbleness, earnest conversation about needs that is constructive rather than an assignment of blame. Men and women, humble yourselves to ask forgiveness for your shortcomings, and share where you have felt hurt in a way that does not look at where your spouse falls short, but asks them to consider your feelings in ways that may not have been clear. Pray together. Can you be angry with one another when you realize how undeserving of the love of God we are?

  • Sharon Baker [email protected] says:

    How do I get my husband back

    • ronedmondson says:

      Not sure the answer there. Always unique to situation. A book to consider is Ed Wheat's “Saving My Marriage Alone”

  • Thanks for that post. I have to say I’m guilty of some of it to points but my question to them are. How do I talk to him to where he hears what’s I’m saying and what makes me think those things when I’m feeling them have to with the now and not something from the past. I believe communication is a key factor in a successful marriage so how do I get that back.

  • Tia Gibson says:

    Wow, a lot of this your right about, I mean, you don’t realize you hurt him. I’m ashamed to say I do most of this, but it’s nice to see the reasons that this does hurt him and it helps you be more conscious of it to better your marriage. I’ll gladly take this advice. I really needed this right now. Thank you for posting

  • Camille says:

    Thank you! I needed to read that today!

  • janet says:

    How do I get my husband back?

  • kelly says:

    The information you posted seemed appropriate for BOTH men and women. I can imagine how hurtful each of those 7 behaviors could be to a husband or a wife. I appreciate the information and would also appreciate ideas for alternate/ less hurtful and more effective actions for those 7 situations where those hurtful behaviors are used.

  • Karyl says:
    possibly off topic, not sure, but did someone change something between your site and the one I linked to or was it edited? Just wondering because I first read the one I linked to and although I understood, being pretty fluent in sarcasm, I still was upset over how it was worded since sarcasm is just “The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt is the last thing any woman needs who is looking at something to try and make a possibly difficult situation better.

    • ronedmondson says:

      I did change the sarcasm. It wasn't offensive to most but was to some and my intent was to help not to harm. 

  • Calvin Coolidge says:

    It's a little sad to see so many comments from women starting out with, "Yeah, I'm guilty of these…" and then devolving into a list of excuses why their husband is the cause of their bad behavior. YOU are responsible for your own behavior, your own decisions (obviously this goes for both husbands and wives!). God hasn't called us to do right only when our sweetie is fulfilling our every wish. We each need to exemplify Christ even when – ESPECIALLY when – circumstances are trying, as with a spouse who isn't holding up his/her end of the bargain.

    If you exhibit these behaviors, stop making excuses and start praying for strength to change. If you don't you're exacerbating the problem instead of working towards a solution. Fellas, that goes for us, too.

    • Christina says:

      You’re right, I’m seeing so many excuses from “just pray for him”(him? what about yourself who’s causing it?), to “well, we women deal with this, too” (um… how does that change anything?), to “look at the horrible thing my husband did to me (insert defensive story), it’s so much worse,” and yet we complain about how men treat us. I’ve read similar articles that talk about cheating, and men there too tried to justify their actions, so I have a similar response these situations: don’t just come up with excuses- take responsibility and do something that will help your marriage instead of continuing a blame game that helps no one and ultimately backfires to hurt you.

  • Tracy M Thrapp says:

    It definitely fell on ears that needed to hear it. Thank you!

  • Cate says:

    There is an excellent book (7 Things He'll Never Tell You: . . . But You Need to Know by Kevin Leman) that addresses so many of this article's points but in more detail, addressing the woman's perspective as well as the man's. By pinpointing a man's greatest needs (to be respected, to be needed, to be fulfilled) and a woman's greatest needs (affection, honest, open communication, and commitment to family), Leman describes how each mate can help fulfill each others' needs without injury. It's been so enlightening to me to find out that when my man shuts down or withdraws, it's not because he doesn't care, but it's because he feels like he's failed in this area that's really important to him (like meeting my needs or desires). It's also been really helpful in learning how to effectively love the other person like he best receives love, as well as learning how to encourage, and draw boundaries that lead to change. So glad to read this article and I don't think it's unfair in giving the man's perspective, it's just only focusing on one side of the story and certainly loving husbands will want to be aware of how to avoid injuring their wives.

  • Lillian says:

    Great post! God bless you.

    From Puerto Rico

  • Judy Hawk says:

    This post is even appropriate for friendships. It's the way women and men interact….and these rules do apply.

  • jamie says:

    I agree with everything you have said in this blog. However I strongly feel is goes both ways. Marriage is a 2 way street. I believe a husband does these very 7 things to the wife at times too. I have seen it many times.

  • Beth says:

    I am guilty of everyone of these. So hard sometimes.I have been with him through a drug addiction and him talking to a woman behind my back. Sometimes I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt m and I guess words were my only way.

    • Angie says:

      Beth I hear you. My ex is an alcoholic. Those wounds are way way different than most relationships. Those cut to sense of self worth abuse to the point of extreme loneliness and he caused a ton of it. He then wants you and blames you for all the abuse and takes none of it for himself. Is it ok well no but be kind to yourself all the abuse you are receiving is detrimental to you.

  • Anthony says:

    Being married 18yrs to a wounded woman with children has made me not so willing to be married never could get her to trust me even after raising two daughters that grew to not receive my affection because of mistrust and abuse from her recent relationship has made my life hard people don’t talk about abuse that often, I am not perfect but I’ve seen the worse in relationships and always tried to keep positive outlook regardless of the haters who didn’t want to see my success ,we are still trying day by day to find what we lost because she knows I’m a good guy she stays around, but I’ve lost all the desire and can’t find any , got counseling from the church pastor to separate, but still together,don’t think I’ll find it even after having our new baby of 4 yrs we love the baby but nothing else is there any more I’ve been desiring other women over the last few years.

  • Courtney Creel says:

    This is an awesome post. I’m bookmarking it so I can read it and keep these things in mind.
    I strive to make my husband’s life a good one. He has been so good to me and I want to be good to him.
    Thank you for your insight to the male mind. And for this post. I wasn’t offended at all. Any woman that truly loves her husband should want to improve herself for him.

  • Broken and Ashamed says:

    This was REALLY convicting and breaking…also made me see just how blessed I really am after reading some of the women's comments. Not saying, "Thank God my life's not like theirs," but rather it's made me really ashamed that I'm not loving my husband better. We have our issues but he is the most undeserved gift in my life. #emotional Going to read the companion post now.

  • Molly says:

    Great advise! I try very hard to live by these already but now that I see it in writing I’m going to print it out so I can have a reminder when needed. I have a wonderful husband and I try to tell him how much I appreciate him frequently. Thank you.

  • Sarah says:

    I agree, when I followed all of these and my marriage was 'happy', but we maxed out our credit cards, very little around the house ever got fixed, and I was supposed to be content just hanging out at home while he played video games on the weekends because he couldn't handle the idea of me going out and having fun without him, yet he didn't want to do anything (and you're right, his ego was bruised if I expressed that I wanted anything). I hope i'm not raising a son who's ego is this easily bruised, I'm divorced now and much happier and better able to provide for our children for it.

    • Brandy says:

      Agreed! Don’t badger a man who needs told several times to do anything, let’s see how anything ever gets done. Just take all your earnings and hire other men to do it, hmmm that won’t make a man feel “injured” just let the house fall apart bc god forbid anyone injure a man who’s lazy already and enable him to be even lazier. What a crock of shit! There are ways to get every single one if these “injuring” behaviors accomplished without injuring anyone at all. You CAN go behind your husband after he’s made the bed and nicely and respectfully express to him that although you appreciate what he’s done you prefer it this way and could he try it. Poor men, they’re so injured.

      • Sarah says:

        Yep, if your solution to 'feeling bad' is to withdraw and ruminate on how bad your wife makes you feel, maybe a more productive solution would be to man up and go live life well. Self esteem doesn't magically fall into place based on how your wife acts.

  • Jess says:

    Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I am also guilty of most, if not all of these. My husband deserves so much better. I mentally know I need to change my responses, I just hope I can do it overall for him. I wish it could change in the snap of my fingers or go back a few years, he’s truly a great man and I need to be a better wife to him.

  • Sharon says:

    Great post! I am guilty of a lot of these things. But it makes sense now. Time for change and a more positive marriage 🙂

  • Steve says:

    Thanks Ron! Most of these I have experienced, I hope she'll read this (without me showing it to her). My wife is a wonderful woman going through some stuff and I know 99% of the time she doesn't do these things intentionally. But that doesn't change the hurt it causes. To the guys out there, the best thing you can do is stay the course, be the man God wants you to be. You don't have to get run over to do that. Hardening your heart will only cause you to have a negative reaction instead of taking a positive action.

  • Julie says:

    Thank you so much for posting, this really opened my eyes!

  • Stephanie says:

    You know I read articles like this all the time. 25 ways to show respect to your husband, 10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear, etc. And I am trying, honestly, I am trying. But, sometimes I wonder, am I kidding myself. Why should I praise every small thing he does. Doesn’t that just enreforce his belief that the minimal effort he puts in is enough? Why should I pretend like it is ok he hasn’t done his own laundry since we’ve been married (or change the sheets, or clean the bathroom, or sweep, or vacuum). He changes the oil (once a quarter), cuts the grass (once a week, 6 months out of the year), shovels snow (once every 3 yrs or so), that’s fair, right? Why should I pretend to be ok with him barely talking to me. I shouldn’t badger him, right? Oh and forget about physical affection, I am supposed to choose joy because I got that 3 second back graze a month ago. How am I not supposed to hold him responsible for my emotional well being when the only thing that makes me sad is my failure to have a happy marriage…The fact that I am not even sure he likes much less loves me. When someone would rather play on his phone than have a conversation with you, sighs in irration the vast majority of times I go for a hug or try to get him to put his arm around me. I try so hard to focus on the good…the fact that he is a good man, with good values, he is a provider. I just wish I knew how to forget/ignore all the rest. Who needs a hug when you don’t have a roof over head or food to eat.

    • ronedmondson says:

      You have deeper issues in this marriage. And, yes, you should address them. Counseling is recommended. I wrote today at about writing a letter in times like this. This might be an option. But, simplicity won't work in this case. You need serious help for your marriage. Praying for you. 

      • Stephanie says:

        Thank you for the prayers. We have tried counseling. It hasn’t helped yet and last time we went he said he refuses to go back. I need to try the letter thing again (tried it years ago before we were married, had mixed results). He is truly a good man & I am a good woman. I just wish we could stop hurting each other & be happy. Thank you again for the prayers.

    • Kristin says:

      Your marriage sounds identical to mine not too long ago. Please hang in there! I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but when people say marriage is a commitment, they say that for the hard times. It’s easy to want to stay and be happy when things are good. When things are bad, you have to remember your commitment to this person and work on the problems. There are so many levels that need to be peeled back in a marriage like this. I went through so many phases. I thought I made a mistake. I thought we weren’t compatible. I thought we just didn’t care about the same things. I thought we were just too different. I thought I was never going to have the love of my life. After googling all I could about how to get him to change and ready all these books, I realized the only person I could work on was me. I always spoke to my husband about my attempts to fix our marriage. Lots of things I changed did help tremendously, but here is my personal list of what I believe led to my husband and I feeling like we have the type of love that everyone dreams about.
      1) me becoming and stay at home wife/mom – My husband (I too on many levels) thought there was no way we could afford it, so he was against it. You learn to make adjustments. When you stay home, you feel like it’s your job. I wanted to show him how worthy I was as a house wife and mother that he wouldn’t want me to go back. Those naysayers who think it’s not fulfilling shouldn’t knock it until they try it. As a high school Math teacher, I was a career woman. At first, I did miss the stimulating challenge of constantly trying to find ways to teaching Math to low income students whose scores were the lowest in our state. Since my marriage is happier and I get to be completely involved in my children’s lives and I have friends I get to see more often than I ever would have while I was working, I feel fulfilled. I did pick up tutoring on the side, but I only do it when my husband is home with the kids. My husband feels more appreciated and taken care of now, so he goes out of his way to take care of me now.
      2) My husband is a Type 1 diabetic. One night, his sugar was really low. So low, I thought I might lose him. Once he began to speak logically again, we had a series of shared moments, that I understand can’t be forced, that led to his realizing just how much I loved him. Though as a married couple, you assume your partner loves you, but sometimes we become very insecure and walls go up. I know you can’t simulate a near death experience, nor would I wish it on anyone. What you can do though is imagine what your life would be like if your husband was ripped from your life unexpectedly. What would you miss? What would you wish you would have said? What would you regret not doing? Out of all your problems, what would remain important?
      3) We had a situation where my husband thought I cheated on him. I did not in any way, but his imagination was working overtime. I was not surprised he was mad by the perceived situation since he is very prideful and believed he had been disrespected. It actually made me angry since I had done nothing. This didn’t help. When he began to tear up (he is a bald faced, Duck Dynasty type of guy who doesn’t cry), I realized he was actually hurt. This showed me there was something underneath pride. I was his wife whom he loved dearly and did not want to share. Though that seems obvious, it’s not. It proved he was in love with me. This is exactly what I needed to know.
      After the occurrences above, even though we are both in our 30s, we began to be like crazy, in love teenagers. We still have some of the same problems, but when you have the love and respect you need from your spouse, these other things seem less important. You still address them, but it’s more of a discussion about the actual problem at hand and a solution or compromise as opposed to the lash out that happens because there is hurt and bitterness already lurking.
      Takeaway: Control what you can control. Work on you. Be patient. Hang in there.

    • Cherie says:

      I’ve read your comment and a few of the responses. To me it sounds as if you are feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you ever heard of the book “The 5 Love Languages”? To me it sounds as if YOU have 2 strong ones: Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I suggest reading that, attempting to discover your husbands love language and attempt to put it into practice. I have noticed since my husband started showing me love in my love language (Acts of Service) that things are going (at least a little bit) better. (its only been a short while since he has figured out how to show it. He is a Physical Touch lover. Harder for him to understand what I need)

  • jess says:

    Thank you, these describe some if not most of what I do. Its hard to catch yourself in the act and not say or do as you wanted to as a reaction. I’m trying, I really am. Again, thank you for reminding me that I need to work on this. I read the other one and like it as well.

  • MLK says:

    It is such a cool thing that God gave women the power to initiate a change in atmosphere within marriage. Since repenting of disrespect towards my husband at a conference a few years ago and deciding to make an effort to act loving when feeling very unloving / unloved, our marriage has done a 180. After “mastering” some of these, I notice I still give nonverbal criticism with raised eye brow etc. Hard to catch myself but where there’s willingness, God provides grace.

  • william says:

    Like it or not…no matter the current political trend is regarding women being equal or superior to me, many women live a double standard life. Things that are okay for them to do and thongs that are not okay to be said or done to them but they dont hesitate one second to say or do the things to men that they dont like.

  • Laura says:

    I have nothing deep to say like some of the other wonderful replies you’ve already received. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. As a newlywed in marriage number 2, I’ve made an honest attempt to be a Godly wife this time around. But you’ve shown me areas that I still need to work on. I realize most women don’t like to be told where they are wrong, but actually I first saw your husbands hurting their wives post shared on a friends page. When I saw it, I immediately craved an article about my shortcomings. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  • Crystal says:

    I don’t think anyone should look at this article in a negative way. It’s intended for women who, i think, would want to better themselves in any area needed. If it’s not needed in your life or opinion, just move onto the next article. But most women i know are perfectionists in one way or another, and working on bettering ourselves is self progress… NOTHING wrong with that;)

    On another note, I loved this article. I didn’t realise how I do so many of these things and how much of a negative impact this can have on a marriage after years of being married… Thank you:)

  • Brie says:

    I’m guilty of several..and ashamed of myself…I have been trying to make a conscious effort to stop these bad behaviors…ine of my fav sayings is don’t try to change people. .love changes people…I look to these pagea for daily reminders and inspiration because I AM a newlywed and dint know a lot about marriage. .I thank you for your tips advice and uplifting words

  • cherise says:

    This is absolutely right. And I’m guilty of a few of them… I’m trying not to, I guess I felt like for so long he deserved it after the constant pain he caused me. I don’t know what to do!!

  • Kaye says:

    What should I do if he doesn’t do what I ask or even need him to do?

    • ronedmondson says:

      Short answer. Address it with him in a meeting when both of you are prepared for it, rather than badgering him over and over again. If needed, write a letter. I talked about how to do that on my blog today. Get counseling if warranted. Again, the key is to do what works. Nagging never does. 

  • Julie says:

    Nothing earth shattering here….but great reminders. That being said…I would be sad and hurt if my man did any of this to me too.

  • Amanda says:

    This post addresses me as a wife perfectly. I feel like I am guilty of each and every one of these things. How can I correct these actions/habits before I injure him more? I feel like if I talked to him about it, his self worth would be injured even more.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Why don't you write him a letter? I wrote how to do that on my blog today. promise you he will be validated.

  • Julie says:

    You said you were praying this landed on ears that needed to hear. It did. Thank you.

  • Cherie says:

    Being a woman with plenty of emotions, I can’t honestly say that in my marriage I have done some of these things if not all of them. This post has made me see that, so thank you for this!! I will definitely take this into concederation and give my husband the encouragement that he needs.

  • Curious says:

    It would be helpful to have advice for what to do instead in each one of these situations.

  • kkc says:

    I honestly think this is funny. This is demeaning to a woman and makes her sound like she is a slave to a man. If i have to tell my husband more than once to pick up his crap then yes I get angered. He should have more ownership of the house and not want it to look like crap leaving his stuff everywhere. Also if he doesnt clean correctly yes I will correct him. It is not that hard to put a bit of effort in it and do it right.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Who gets to determine the right way to fix the bed or fold the towels?

      • Curious says:

        If one doesn't care how something is done, wouldn't it be easier for that person to do it the way the other prefers it to be done? If one cares and the other has no preference, then the latter could oblige.

    • Cherie says:

      As women we have to remember that men have there way of Doing things. If we constantly put them down when they are trying to help us, chances are it’s gonna make them not want to help us at all. We’re not supposed to mother them through life, Were so supposed to walk beside them.

  • John says:

    Perhaps the most valuable marriage advice I got before my wedding was to eliminate "always" and "never" from my vocabulary in arguments. "You always do this" or "You never do that" are explosive and we don't use them.

    I was glad to see you mention one of those in this post.

  • Allen says:

    I would add, commenting how great another guy looks in front of you. My wife thinks just because he’s a celebrity it’s ok to call him sexy. I did it to her just to make a point and she got very angry. Really? She still didn’t get it.

  • breona says:

    This is really good advice for myself and my soon to be husband. As we have some problems we are trying to work out before we tie the knot! We were really having a hard time getting along about 2 months ago and really needed some advice and guidance on what to do. I really like that your a Christian
    counselor, myself being Christian. I would really like to do whatever it takes to make it work with my fiance, especially since we have kids together.

  • Ashley says:

    I just wanted to add something that I’ve learned and struggle with in my own relationship. I’m a 26 year old woman and have been in this relationship for six years. One thing that we have issues with (this goes both ways) is showing interest in each other’s interest. We tend to just blow each other off when the other discusses something we have no interest in. It hurts, both of us, but at the time we’re not trying to hurt the other. I tend to “tune out” or make an excuse when he wants to tell me about a cool new gadget he’s found just like he ignores me when I’m trying to explain the latest book I’m reading. And because of this we’re struggling with communication. It’s these little things over the years that build up.

  • lori says:

    Its the wives job to build up her husbands ego, appreciate him, respect him…and by doing that its all in the words she says and the way she says it. He needs that, its just how men are wired. See the good in him, focus on those qualities. If she were to speak negative of him or to him she'll less likely get cherished, loved and adored by him.

  • Courtney says:

    I’m glad a friend posted this blog and I had the opportunity to read it. I’m guilty of things on the list and it was hard yet helpful to see it written down. I hope my significant other and I can have a conversation about this to see where he is at. I read both articles you have written on this topic and I wanted to point out one problem I had. I feel both lists go both ways, like you mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a blog about what women and what men do. It can just be a list of things people in relationships tend to do. I recognize this probably also wasn’t intentional, but it’s thinking like this that keeps the gender stereotypes alive. I would encourage people to look at their thinking around significant others in a more broad way. Yes there are biological differences(such as hormones that contribute to different aspects of any relationship) but your “better half” is a person.

  • Jesse says:

    Even as a guy who has just been dating a girl for several years, I see these pop up on occasion. It’s kind of relieving to see that I’m not the only one who feels these things from time to time.

  • Alana says:

    This is EXCELLENT! You are very correct, and all wives need to read this! Thanks for having the guts to post it!

  • Nicole says:

    I am newly married and I realized as I read I do several of these things. Now I am aware and can make an effort to be better. Thank you for writing this article!

  • Alicia says:

    I just have to tell you…….this post was excellent. I an a woman who has been wounded and bitter and have also done the wounding. This was very educational and allowed me to step back and see how he probably feels and that doesn’t make me feel very good. We have been married 15 yrs and its been tough but I’m glad I have a MSN that doesn’t give up on me even though I wanted to give up on him so many times. W are now at a point in our marriage where we are able to truly able to love each other.

  • alice says:

    this seems like a two way street to me, not just how a wife injures her husband, but the same in return. all of them! especially the one on appreciation, women do lots of work, but because we are so good at multitasking it gets taken for granted everyday, whether we are a working mother or a housewife.

  • cres says:

    I felt this to apply to me as much as her….thank you..i enjoyed…i found this on facebook unsure of reading it.i plane to share

  • Benny says:

    You know a young 21 year old male, I see this constantly, and it’s honestly the reason I refuse to settle down, I have unfortunately jaded myself through some of my past actions and it’s not easy to trust from causing myself unnessacary pain. I’m trying a new tactic now thought to counteract my past blunders, act like a privilege to be treated as one and it seems to work, I’m glad to have seen the other post on husbands, it seems those behaviors is what I have changed and more, so I am glad to have seen that, it gave me confidence that I’m headed in the correct direction! To the poster, you sir have my respect however I could do without the religious propaganda I do see that you and I have common views at least in this area, it is very refreshing and revitalizing to know my current path is just, I have recently started dating again, I’m with someone who is on the same page in the same book so hopefully this time, the story continues, thank you again for the added “ego” boost

  • Abigail says:

    It did, my ears definitely needed this.

  • linda says:

    Marriiage is a two way street.
    In my first marriage of 26 years I was the one on the receiving end of all that hurt and abuse.

  • Cindy says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. I am sad to say, this hit home very hard. After my husband cheated many years ago, I started treating him badly, and I guess he took it all quietly for me, maybe because he felt he had to. Unfortunately, it became a bad habit that stuck and I justified it in my mind. After years of trying to make things right, he says he is closed off and is ready to leave me because of the way I treat him.

    After reading this article, I realized, I do 6 out of the 7 and I am not proud of that. I want my marriage to last, especially since there are 3 incredibly awesome kids involved. After reading this article, I am ready to rid myself of resentment and start loving again.

    Thank you so much, this reached me at just the right time.

  • Shelby says:

    This is very insightful. Thanks. I do a lot of this without the intent of hurting my husband, but I do.

  • Linda says:

    I am so blessed to be married to the most amazing, hard working, confident man that God could've chosen for me. Thanks for this post. This list will be posted in a place I can see often. I needed this reminder so I can be the best wife I can for him.

  • dave says:

    How simple and so very true. If husbinds and wife’s would just try

  • Heather says:

    Thank you so much for putting up this post my fiancé and I aren’t married yet but have been together for 2 years living together for a year and a half this post gives me some awesome insight and I am def guilty of prolly everything you posted thank you and I am determined to change the things I do that hurt him. Again thank you

  • Liz says:

    Most women don’t like hearing the things they do wrong. It never feels good knowing you’ve failed, however, it’s necessary so we can grow and develop a stronger relationship with our spouse. Perfection doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving for it. If I’m doing something wrong than I want to know about it. Thank you for posting this. It was very insightful and I appreciate the male perspective.

  • John Draper says:

    Great topic! Life has its struggles, in many ways married couples have double struggles! After the wedding comes the marriage! God has ordained that the two become one. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves his church, he gave his all for her! Wives are to honor/obey their husbands as the church is to honor & obey Christ. When a husband loves his wife as Christ (the bride groom) loves the church (his bride), why wouldn't the wife desire to honor her husband? As Christians we are commanded to esteem others as greater than ourselves. This runs contrary to the world's way! Thus, we need a steady diet of God's Word that we may learn His truth & will for life/marriage; also constant prayer & regular fellowship with like believers for accountability & strength that we may be able to overcome Satan's attacks! Also remember, husbands, "happy wife – happy life!" If each marriage partner doesn't bring the other along side as his/her equal, it ain't going to work!

  • Britney wood says:

    I really appreciate your article and that’s coming from a wife that fits 6 out of the 7! Sadly I knew some things I was doing but not all and to the extent. Some of the things like putting down my husband has addressed to me but I thought he was crazy according to the article I do exactly that and didn’t realize that. This article has put my husband’s emotional state of well being into perspective for me so thank you.

  • Shannon says:

    I am a woman and I read this article. You want to know what I thought? Very well done. I think every woman should read this article. My husband and I are newly weds and we love each other no doubt, but we do tend to pull away from one another more frequently than we should. After reading this I can understand why. I am guilty of some of these things and after reading this, I know what things I can work on to bring us closer when we do drift apart. Is all the blame on me? No. But I do play my part in this too. When we pull away I can sit down and think, ” have I done any of the 7 things lately?” and try to correct my actions. Thank you for posting this article.

  • Kristi says:

    Some of these things are more easily changed than others. For example, it wouldn’t be too hard to stop putting him down in front of other people. However, how do you address the badgering? Whether it’s a husband, child, or wife, badgering only hurts. However, if the other party repeatedly won’t help out when you’ve asked and gives no explanation for why, what choice are you left with? Sometimes badgering is a cause of hurt…. and sometimes, it’s the effect.

    • ronedmondson says:

      That's a great question. The key, however, is that it doesn't work…and it does more harm than good, so you have to try something else or keep doing something ineffective that causes damage to the relationship. More of the same will not produce change.As for what works, that's probably as broad a question as what discipline do you use on a child. It is different for every child. And, it will be different for every relationship. Try some things and see what works. I like to have a sit down, turn everything off, heart-to-heart discussion for things like this…as a first try. Then, if that doesn't work…write a letter. If that doesn't work, you may need some counseling to help you get through to each other. There are probably 100's of other ideas. You could let the thing go that you are badgering about…and let the consequences fall where they will. That's tough for someone who wants the clothes picked up off the floor…if that's a problem for example…but after they trip over them a few dozen times (hopefully not that many)…they'll get the hint.

  • Amanda says:

    Thank you for that insight.

  • Megan says:

    Thank you for this:) I unfortunately am guilty of some of these and it crushes me that I have probably been hurting my hubs for a long time. Definitely not my intention, so thank you for this post:) I appreciate it 🙂 I have been chronically ill for a really long time, so we have struggled, and I hate all the pressure already on him….But thank you for sharing this with everyone. I definitely will make a conscious effort to not do this, because the last thing I want to do is for my husband to feel any kind of pain that I feel 🙂

  • John says:

    Thank you my son sent the link . He see more of what is happening I pray my wife will be open to it . Thank you

    In His love

  • Tanya E. Munroe says:

    I realize that most of the points refer to a husband's ego. I am a wife but I disagree that such statements can emotionally hurt a man. These issues which you refer to can be so easily solved by communication. If a wife says or does something offensive to her husband's ego, all he have to do is share his disappointments with her. His failure to do so contributes also to his emotional pain. No relationship is successful or peaceful in the absence of healthy communication. Healthy communication is not only sharing good news and compliments but also bad news and disappointments. If a husband struggles with expressing his disappointments with his wife, this relationship has other issues and the husband has personal issue which he need to address. I do sincerely agree that words and behavior do effect our emotions, but communication can assist in such act not being repeated. And men need to move beyond their ego and look within themselves and the word of God for their purpose in marriage. I never read in the bible about a wife having to support her husband's ego.

    • anonymous says:

      Well that would be the problem with Christian marriages. All the answers aren’t found in the Bible. Until Christian women realize this and take advice about men, there will continue to be a rising number of divorce in the church. The male ego is quite fragile and as his wife….it’s your job to protect it. I mean, you do expect him to protect you, right?

    • Benjamin Brown says:

      You’re ignoring that men are programmed nearly from birth to mask vulnerability. You’re also ignoring the tendency of repeated injury to cause distance. And lastly, you are committing the crime of blaming the victim instead of putting responsibility on the perpetrator. These are all extremely dangerous and irresponsible. Please, don’t ever be a counselor.

  • David Oslund says:

    Great article, also at the bottom of this article I recommend the related article, 7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It.
    I recommend this not only for husbands and wife’s but to boyfriends and girlfriends.
    It will help you realize how our god designed a man and woman to work.
    Now stop reading this for a few moments and think about the word designed.
    Now I think of an artists paint brush and I would not take it out in the yard and dig a hole with it, that would totally ruin it and I would end up frustrated. Now if you use it for what is was designed for you can create a painting that when you step back and take a good look it brings joy to your heart.
    When you step back and look at your relationship with your spouse would it not be awesome to have joy fill your heart instead of being frustrated.

    When I realized this a while back it crushed me and drove me to my knees in agonizing pain because I realized it a few months to late and that would be after we where Divorced.

    Now how can a man that loves his wife so much it hurts and a woman love her husband so much it hurts end up this way, well in the simplest way I can put it, we took our paint brushes out in the yard and tried to dig a hole with them.

    What I realized and drove me to my knees was the hurt and pain I unknowingly inflicted on my wife.
    Now think about that guys this is real hurt real pain! That she feels.
    For years I brushed off her designed need and desire for me to open up and share myself with her to tell her my feelings as just some silly woman thing. Now if any of you men out there have the phrase
    (silly woman thing) in you vocabulary pleas hit the delete button now and replace it with
    (Designed Need and Desire).

    God is good !

    David Oslund:

  • Heather Gans Haraway says:

    Yes I read it, yes I’ve been guilty of some… More often than I care to admit, but I admit… Doesn’t make me mad, angry or ready to tear apart, in any way(3 I wanna thank u fir bringing these to my attention(3 for if not, then I would prob continue to be guilty, until I heard God speak(3 He spoke to me, thru ur blog and I am soo grateful!! I want to make the Love of My Life, The Daddy of My Children, and My Best Friend, Happier than ever imagined(3 Thank u so very much!!! GOD BLESS(3… Love in Christ, Heather(3

  • Ammcguigan says:

    Your article was a slap in the face but a much needed one. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together for 11 years. Sometimes its easier to not face that maybe I am not as good of a wife as I should be and visa versa. We are the only relationship each other know and when you take into account me being responsible for all 7 of these…it could explain a lot of issues in our relationship.Thank you for your honesty and helpfulness.

  • WannaBeGoodHusband says:

    These are great advices and i really wish my wife would read them.

  • Deanna says:

    Thanks for sharing!!! This is so true and hits home for me. Things I never thought of and we need to do better on building our husbands up emotionally.

  • Jessica Trice says:

    I read both of these and I love what you had to say!! I have not even been married a year yet (with my now husband for over 5 years though) and I have to say these are things I am learning. We got together young, had children young, and got married pretty young. He just turned 22 and I am 23 but I believe understanding things like this about him as a man help us mature in our marriage. There are definitely times where I’ve done the things that you’ve mentioned and it is crazy the difference it makes in even a day of our relationship. Being more aware and intentional in the way we treat each other and react to each other is so important. Love these posts!!!

  • Maheata says:

    It hurts but so true! I'm a wife married to a lovely and patient man yet I hurt him. I knew what i was doing wrong but didn't admit it really, I always wanted to be right. He is so silent when I kind of tell him off. Now I understand that it's because he is hurt. Thank you for the lesson so much, this is a great reminder. May God help me to humble myself to admit when I'm wrong and to appreciate my husband and love him for who he is. BIG THANK YOU!

  • Allison says:

    Love it!! We've been to counceling and have been working much better as a team raising kids and running a house!! This is a great reminder of pain that is probably still under the surface and needs more tender encouragement 🙂 THANK YOU!!

  • J W says:

    As I read this, I was reminded that my first wife regularly practiced 4 or 5 of these. I am happily remarried now, and truly blessed with a wife that has not displayed any of these behaviors. (At least that I have noticed) It truly makes a difference in how I feel about our relationship. Also about myself in general. Thanks for sharing.

  • Derric says:

    Having read this post and its companion, I think that it might be a good reminder that these are ways that damage a child as well. Parents can be some of the most judgmental people in the world, and they do these very things to their children.

  • Jared says:

    One thing was left out. Not showing him any respect. For a man to have the respect of his wife means the world. For him to not have it drags him down in every area of life faster than just about anything.

    Just my 2 cents. Great post! 🙂

  • jimpemberton says:

    Apryl, It really depends on the particulars of your situation, but I'm pretty sure destroying him emotionally isn't a viable solution. Your husband may be a piece of work. I don't know. Most of us have areas where we could use discipline. In general, though, what I have observed is that when things are equitable both husband and wife tend to feel like it's unfair. So as a rule of thumb, if it seems fair, then you probably aren't giving enough. If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him.

    • "If it seems unfair, then you are being like Christ. Rest in him." Wow. What a great point. My husband isn't a piece of work, I probably should have reworded my post. It's just moments in time that he gets on my last nerve, but it's usually when I'm not choosing patience. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

  • dawn says:

    While these topics are about what a man (husband) needs from his wife or how he feels, what is this suppose to do to help a marriage? You are addressing only one person in that marriage. This is not meant to be ugly or derogatory. It is a very serious need to know question. How do you respond to that? How does the wife do all these wonderful things to help her husband when it is all about what HE needs. I guess I don't get it.

  • Ashley Hagan says:

    I just want to say thank you for both the wife and husband hurting each other posts. I’m not married yet as I find my fiancee puts me down a lot and I’m planning on having him read both those posts as to me they were inspiring. I’ve been on bed rest for a day and only ordered to be on for two and he chooses to go out with his friend instead of being with me and helping me out. I have a 3 yr old and a boy on the way due in march. I’m just hoping your post will touch him as it touched me.

    • Jessica says:

      Ashley, you may want to consider going to a good pre-marital counselor about your finance putting you down a lot. Even if he changes temporarily from reading these posts, the problem is probably much deeper than these posts can address. If he is critical now, he will be more critical once you are married.
      Marriage and kids magnify the good but also magnify the problems. You will definitely appreciate getting the criticism part solved prior to marriage.
      My marriage started off on a crumbly start because of a critical spirit (among other things)… and we've been battling a lot over the last 5 years. I really wish that my marriage had started off on a happier note. 🙂

  • WannaBeGoodHusband says:

    We do and say a lot without even knowing the impact it has on the ones we love and care about. Me and my wife of 5 years are guilty of most of these things to a point that we aviod talking about issues. Sometimes we would go as far as 2 weeks without communicating because of this and this is negetively affecting our marriage, worse of all we dont stay together because of work. I love my wife very much and I really like our marriage to work out, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it work. Thanks guys.

  • Amy C says:

    I can definitely relate to this. I know I'm guilty of some or most of them and try to stay away from it.
    I think the "Complain about what you don't have or get to do" can also apply to the men tho. This has been an area in our marriage where I am the one who is wounded. If my husband isn't happy where we're living (military) or with the car he's driving etc it makes me feel like I"ve somehow failed as a wife b/c he's not happy.

  • Sol says:

    This almost brought me to tears….I’m ashamed to admit that I do many of these things often! Thank you for your advice 🙂

  • Kaelyn says:

    This post really helped me. I’m not married yet, but i am living with my fiancee. I hadn’t realized how much i was already hurting him and we’re not even married yet. I will take this post and let it help me throughout our relationship. Thank you!

  • Whozis says:

    I read your article, and then the comments, and it seems to me that most of the comments should be attached to your companion article, "7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It". Ladies, if you truly own that you are guilty of the above, why do you then turn around and put int back on your husbands? Just curious. It would make more sense, if you see yourselves doing this to your husbands, to take ownership of the problems, and try to make changes in your own behaviors.

  • Lindsey says:

    I loved them both! Very accuract and it gave me some insight to what I need to fix. Thank you for these posts.

  • Katie says:

    My husband and I have been married for a year in February. Thank you for posting this. We have been having some issues lately, and I actually do… well, honestly, all of these things. He isn't the type to TELL me when I do something wrong, though, so I guess I didn't realize what a large impact it all had on him. I needed to hear it from an outside perspective. Again, thank you!

  • Britney says:

    As a woman who is getting prepared to be married in December, I want to say thank you for your wisdom and for sharing! I am guilty of several of these things and I am going to share this with my fiancé so we can talk these things out in premarital counseling. I know that we are imperfect people and that we won’t know everything before we get married, but it’s very nice to read this and see what I can be working on before and during our marriage. Thanks again!

    • ronedmondson says:

      Thanks for your honesty. Make sure your future husband reads the companion post. 🙂 Best wishes.

  • Lisa says:

    I wish I had seen this before my husband and I separated. I am guilty of several of these and want to fix things but I think he damage has already been done… I am hoping by me working on myself shows him I am willing to be a better wife.

  • bruce says:

    hope every wife serious with her marriages reads and practise this

  • jimpemberton says:

    I just have to commend my wife at this point for not being guilty of these things at all. If anything, she apologizes if she has to remind me of something more than a couple of time. I tell her it's okay because she also knows my memory isn't very good. She expresses appreciating when I do something around the house, whether I did it the "right way" or or not. But really, as long as it gets done, she doesn't care how it got done. If she uses the "you always" phrase, it's to tell me something that I do all the time that she appreciates. God has richly blessed me with this queen among women and our children's spiritual development shows the fruits of her sacrificial giving in the family. I only pray that I am as good a husband for her as she is a wife for me.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Great comment

    • Holly Bailey says:

      I pray that God can use me to this degree in my own husband's life. And that someday he will call me his queen. Your comment is truly a beautiful representation of the Proverbs 31 woman where it says her husband rises and calls her blessed, and how she is praised at the city gates. She is a true Proverbs 31 woman and one that I strive to be like. I'd love to shake her hand and tell my sister in Christ "Thank you for being a role model of a woman who is hard to find in today's modern times." Tell her for me, please. Thank you.

      • I just dont know says:

        Your comment just made me cry. Becasue I long for my husband to say this. I am reading this because my husband shouts at me all the time. I am trying to look deep within myself on what I could be doing wrong. My husband is a faithful and very open person but he has really angry outbursts and has no tolerance or sympathy/empathy or care for me. He will snap even about the smallest things that I had no control over. I am feeling broken. He shouts when I have left my phone somewhere in the house and it rings. He says its making noise i must keep it with me all the time. He will shout because I mistakenly spilt something in the car.
        He will shout and scream if I have done something like buy a small item that he probably thought was not good for the children. He will shout at me in front of kids or anyone, it doesnt matter. If I do not think like he would have thought about something then its a serious issue. To be honest I have read books on how to respect my husband and I apply them. My family and everyone else thinks I have the best husband ever, because I tell them so and I can be very proud of him. Infact he recently bought me a car and I was really happy, but everytime we fight, he takes the keys and lives me stranded. he blames me for everything that goes wrong. Honestly I am feeling like I he has no respect, tolerance, care for me. He provides for the kids and I, that is no issue at all. He is a faithful man and hides nothing. I have access to everything of his, money, emails, whatever. He tells me every plan he has or wants to do. Honestly there are no suprises with him. He doesnt control my movements or anything like that. He will happily allow me to go out on my own so long as I have cooked for him, coz he doesnt like cooking. Everything we have is for both of us, it doesnt matter who bought it. He engages me in all his business delaings. If there is anything at his work that involves him engaging our finances, or him contributing to something, he tells them to call me and I will pay them. He really never Leaves me out of anything. But its the Ill treatemnt and lack of empathy for me that gets to me. I dont know what to say honestly. I just feel if we could ommunicate better with each other, we would go a long way. He will come and accuse me for taking his phone and putting it else where, yet it is in his pocket somewhere. By the time we find it, he has screamed at me and told me how I am careless and all. And when we do find that all that he is shouting about has nothing to do with me, he doesnt even apologise. So clearly, I am not sure what to do here.

        • I just dont know says:

          I really am not sure. I have took a few things and walked out this weekend after he did one of his screaming sessions. I just had enough and I know I cant stay with a man who cannot be understanding of the faults of others especially I his wife. I do not want to list the things I contribute to this marriage. I am as open as hionest with him as he is with me. I am faithful, i take care of all the kids (including step kids). I know his favourite perfume and food and always go out of my way to get it. Arghhh ….i really do not want to get into that. But I have come to the point where I just feel there is nothing I have not done to give in this marriage. I really do not deserve the treatment I get. Well if it is about something that I am doing to feed the ill-treatment and disrespect I am getting, then I really need someone to show me how I can avoid or respond in a better way. I realise I cannot stop him from being irritated by my ringing phone cause I clearly cannot carry my cellphone with me all the time, especially when I am doing house chores. What hurt the most here is, I had gone outside to pick up his underwear that I had washed for him. When I approached there door…gosh, he was screaming louder than the cell-phone….asking why I leave my phone lying around cause its making noise for him and he is watching a movie. (At that time his phones are not next to him, they are in the bedroom where they could also ring anytime). So clearly I dont know how he expects me to do things that he also can not keep up with. Our fights are based on things that I cant guarantee I cannot do again. I cannot guarantee that I will answer my phone all the time, I cant guarantee that I will always think the way he does, I cant guarantee that I will not make mistakes like picking up our son at 3PM when he would have wanted him to be picked up at 4PM (Not that there is any harm that happens when i pick him up at a different time than him), he just thinks by doing that I did something that he didnt want, therefore I am bad cause I didnt consult him, i just did things the way I want. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , I dont know!!!! I really dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will never ask me why I did something the way I did? he just jumps and screams at me. By the time I explain, if i do get the chance (usually I write an email to explain) he never says Ok I see….If anybody told him I stole a car at a parking lot, he would probably belive those people before me. (After that when he realises that I was never at that parking lot……its too late, we have fought to no percent). Its like he is always waiting to get me or find some fault with me then use it against me. I really need help. Please do not suggest counselling. He will not do it. He says he knows everything about marriage or women. Im just the one with a problem. I dont listen to him or respect him. Good Loed , where is disrespect in a having my cell-phone lying around in the house. I respect this man and I know it and I am still open to more suggestions and ways to improve myself . But im losing it cause he is not trying to also understand me or have any tolerance. If only he could just ask me something before he goes on to blame me for everything and anthing. If only he would just say ""Did you see where I put the keys when I came home?" As opposed to saying "" Why did you take my keys from wher I left them, i know i left them on top of the table. Why do you ALWAYS move my things" You really have no consideration for other people? you just do things the way you want and dont think of others you live with?"…….he is screaming all these things as I try to look for the keys, which is very disturbing and making me very angry as he does it walkin behind me. The keys will be in the very trouser he was wearing. No apology, he puffs out in anger. I on the other hand am so mad for even looking for the keys when I should have just ignored him (which would have been interpreted as being unhelpful and disrespectful).

          • Karen V says:

            I really hope you see this response. Sadly, knowing from experience, you are married to a verbal abuser. Please read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. Also, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men," by Lundy Bancroft. Both are usually found at the local library. This will help you connect the dots and understand the dynamics of what is going on. There are also suggestions on how to react to VA and how to tell if he's a lost cause. Know that it is nothing that you are doing or not doing that causes him to behave this way. Best of luck to you.

  • guiltywife says:

    Yep I’m guilty of some of these. I will say I have and never will put my husband down in public or private. nor will I call him on his flaws. but I do go behind him when he misses spots on dishes, or cleaning in general, but he does it to me as well lol. I do however constantly nag about things he doesn’t do that would be a huge help on me. being a full time wife and Mom of 3 is hard and someone else doing the dishes or laundry or anything now and then is a huge help, even if its just once a week. so I’ll give some advise for all hard working husbands and dads, help her out once in a while, we really do appreciate it even if we forget to thank you.

    • courtney summers says:

      Wow well I should be very thankful because my husband helps me out with all the baby bottles and the dishes if needed!!

    • dawn says:

      I just have to say this. If you are a stay at home wife and mother, you should handle all those jobs. The children and all the housework, cooking etc is YOUR job. Your husband should not have to work hard, bring home the money and pay all the bills and then have you ask him (or tell him) to do parts of your job. That's just not right.

      • Arliss says:

        Dawn, that means my husband would work 9-5 Monday through Friday and be done. I, however, would work from 7 am to 8pm every day, seven days a week. Does that seem right to you? I work all day taking care of our children and our home, just like he works all day outside of the home. Then when he comes home, we work together until the children go to bed. That means sometimes he cooks dinner, because I've had a terribly stressful day and need a break. Or washes the dishes. Or helps fold laundry. The scenario you describe would lead to incredible imbalance of work, which is certainly not healthy in any relationship. I would ask that you consider this before you tell people what their relationships and jobs "should" look like.

        • Nathan says:

          Well, I am a stay at home Dad with 4 children. I gave up my career after our 4th so that I could make sure they where raised at home and not in a Day Care. My wife is an executive and works 12 hours on a normal day but a lot of the time puts in 16 hours. I do all of the duties a mom would do, house cleaning, cooking, laundry, ect. Typically I get my work done around noon and eat lunch with my kids and play with them, from around 1pm to 330pm I get my gaming time in or do what ever I want. At 345pm when my oldest gets home from school, I discuss what he learned and help him out with any homework. At 5pm I start making dinner preparations. After dinner I clean up, then the rest of the night is my time. My point is, I don't ask my wife for any help because I dont feel like I need any. Im not saying you are weak if you can't handle it on your own, but I do feel that a stay at home parent's responsibilities aren't as stressful or hard as being the sole provider for your family. There is no reason why you can't keep things in order by maintaining them 3 or 4 hours a day. The rest of your job is taking care of your kids, which should be your favorite part.

          • Arliss says:

            That's great for you, but it's certainly not the experience that everyone has. I love being a SAHM, but it is hard work. My husband would absolutely say that my job is harder than his. I have three children, none of them are in school, and we plan on homeschooling when they're old enough. So, like I said, fantastic for you that you have it all down and everything always runs smoothly, but my point is that there is nothing wrong with both parents helping each other with the children and the house. Comments like Dawn's are not kind, or helpful, or frankly even well-intentioned. And I have to point out, you say your wife works 12-16 hour days. So of course you have to do it all, because there is no one around to help you. I can't imagine you would be so happy about doing everything if your wife worked a standard 8 hour work day and then came home and sat around on the couch watching TV while you did everything else.

    • Jon says:

      What does that mean? "Full time wife".
      Is he not a full time husband who works at least 8 hrs a day or like most men 10 to14 hrs a day. The pressure he thinks about keeping his job and providing for his family. Do women understand what men fear the most? Get a clue to what men need from you when we get home.
      We want you in your underware and cant wait to hold you. Do this and see what happens to your life.
      You cant understand men. What drives us? He will work 4 more hrs for whatever you dream up. love him first and the return love you receive can only be seen in a romance romance.

  • courtney summers says:

    Wow I am a wife and this is really good information . We have been arguing more than usual and after reading this , I now see that it could very well likely be the things I do and say! Now that I’ve read this im going to definitely try to change the way I say somethings. Thank you so much for this information!

  • Nancy D. says:

    Thank you for the insight! After being married to my husband for almost 20 years, I know I have been guilty of all these things, at one time or another. I am also happy to say that over the years, I have learned to be conscience of how to avoid doing them. Most of these are plain common sense….for me, anyway. For other people, not so much. I think I've learned a lot just by watching the way other couples treat each other. Most seem absolutely clueless and its really sad. If you are lucky enough to find someone as willing to work on a marriage as you are, it makes life so much more rewarding. We've had difficult times, but things always seem to be better when we BOTH focus on what the other wants instead of getting stuck in taking care of ourselves.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Absolutely. It takes two to make the marriage strong.

    • kath says:

      Absolutely, I think this is the point exactly. These are good things to keep in mind and try not to do, and I do recognize them as things I have done (but now try not to) and things that women do tend to do. Now I could sit here and try to justify my own wrongs by pointing put all the things wrong about my husband, but thats not helpful or productive…the point is that we are both trying, and that I must take responsibility for my own behavior

  • Sean Vaughn says:

    Maybe it wasn’t your intent in the blog, but it seems sarcastic when you say things such as “always show him you can do things better than he can do things, he will appreciate that.”

    sarcasm probably isn’t appropriate when giving advice to people about what NOT to do. Some people may misconstrue your meaning.

    Just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Thank you for the blog.

  • Trinity says:

    Well this post is helpful.. Am not a wife yet but it definately helps me in preparation to be one some day.. I kindly request that your wife posts 7 ways to injure a wife without realising here too.. I think its only fair lol

  • fiscoyadah12 says:

    Thanks for this write-up.

  • Diana Doran says:

    I am sure every word is correct and I fail many times in these areas. I notice a real diffrence

    In my marraige when I do get it correct!! Ladies the change is beautiful I just mention I wanted some romance I woke up to a coffee creamer my favorite and fllowers in my refrigorator which ment he was out way after work and midnight to get them for me! To be fair in counseling with a wonderful christian Greg Williams who is all about saving marraige.


    Thanks David for the reminder

    It’s so true


  • Marguerite says:

    Thanks for the reminder. Coming from a previously wounded woman, who is about to get married in May 2014, I will definitely do my best to remember what I read here today.


  • Lucy says:

    I am guilty of all of these and I needed this reminder. I could try to excuse myself by pointing out all of my husband's flaws, but that would just further my sin. Were it not for Christ, I would have left my husband awhile ago. I do not like being the breadwinner and the housekeeper both. I want kids and feel like time is running out, but I have to give that up for now because he doesn't want them any time soon. I am not happily married, but I am married. I keep reminding myself that, though my union on earth seems unfair, my union with Christ is even more so. I do nothing for Christ; He does everything for me. So, for His sake, I can live through anything, even a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Christ is more interested in my sanctification. I hope that that will come as I learn to love and respect the nan in my life.

    • ronedmondson says:

      I love your reply. Your husband is a blessed man. 

    • YourSisterInChrist says:

      Lucy! If you're not happy you can get out. This man is obviously not the man Christ wants for you. Christ wants you to be happy in all facets of your life. Let Him help you to move on to a better place in your life. My heart broke for you as I read your post. I will pray that you do find happiness and peace…even if that means walking away from the life you know. Close the door on this chapter of your life because when you do, God will open a beautiful window with amazing opportunities. God bless, Lucy. I'm praying for you.

      • Really? says:

        Why are you advocating divorce? You don't know the situation and for you to be advocating that is just ridiculous. I am sorry if you have been hurt in the past and feel you need to be the voice of "strength" for all women in less than perfect situations but, there are families at stake here, not just individuals. If you are truly a sister in Christ then you should be encouraging Lucy to continue looking to Christ and to work towards counseling with her husband. By the way, you are not applying scripture correctly when eluding to closing a door and having God open another one – you are only trying to rationalize a very real action that carries severe consequences.

      • Ben says:

        Yeah, that's what Jesus said. "Come to me and I'll make you happy all the time." He did, however, say that those who wish to follow Him must die daily, take up their cross, serve everyone, etc… Nowhere do I see Jesus promising an earthly life of comfort, happiness, etc… In fact, he promises the opposite. And he also says that if anyone divorces their spouse and marries another, except for infidelity, it's adultery. This life is short and marriage is supposed to be a picture of the relationship between humans and Christ. Good grief, go read Hosea for goodness sakes.

      • Mrs Akin says:

        God says He hates divorce and see what it does to families, that's why God hates it. she is not going to be much better on hwer own as in she ll still want to get married or be in another relationship n the truth is that every one has its challenges even the best of marriages. while its not appealing to be in this situatiin , as a child of God you show do the will of God.
        1st believe that things can n will get better and thank God in d 1st place for His goodness over or life.
        2nd locate scriptures if God promises for your home n pray/speak it into your home
        3 start to act like its better while thanking God that its already better.
        we r children of God n we should live an extra ordinary life after d Spirit of God.

    • javar Robinson says:

      Well my wife makes more than me but that doesn't bother me, we both have roles in our home, but my wife never has to cook clean wash are mop lol cause i get home first. I could care less about who made what… we are in this together but in your case I hope you talked to him about it. My wife had to sit me down cause I didn't realize what I was to him not at him if nothing changes(&it wont overnight) separate the thought of really loosing you might jump start him

  • 2himigo says:

    Great post and so true. Lesson's us wives should have learned and sometimes, lesson's learned the hard way.

  • Karen says:

    It would be nice to see a post about how men hurt their wives without knowing it.

    • ronedmondson says:

      That's coming.

    • Kimberly says:


    • John Doe says:

      It's a comment like this that if it were made by my wife after she read this article, would hurt me as well. Although I am confident it was not your intention Karen, your post says to me "this article was nice, but the other way around is more important." Please be careful with your words, as men take them at face value. There is a time and a place to address the wrongs committed by men, but can you not give us a couple minutes of reflection after this article before reverting to your own desires?

      • Jeremy says:

        Right!? Way to be much more polite about it than I would be.

      • Scott says:

        Yes, well said. We know both sides do it, but (here) its all about the guys.

        I'd like to share as well but honestly, I don't know where to begin. It's definitely not looking good and its sad!

  • Karen says:

    I agree with the ways a wife injures her husband, and I'm guilty of many. I've been married to the same man for more than 30 years, and I spent the majority of it as his "cheerleader", encouraging him, going along with his decisions, etc., all while he's looking at other women inappropriately, partying, etc. I finally reached that explosive point because he wasn't showing me respect. I used to say he doesn't return the same to me, but now I call it RESPECT. We're still together, and I've come to realize that I'm responsible for my behavior and communication toward/with him, and through my changes in me, he's now learning how to be more respectful of me. I know he has always loved me, but being taken for granted and disrespected is not okay, and I finally let him know. On the other hand, it's not okay for me to say and do things that hurt him either, and I'm still working on pushing out the hurt and betrayal so I can move forward. I started going to a Christian counselor for myself, and it has helped me in so many ways. I love and care about him, and I also need to take care of myself and my well-being.

  • Wit's End says:

    I love them for it but I've never asked for a handout in my life and I don't ask for help until I am way over my head. (It's that stubborn streak I was born with ~ LOL) I would never ask anyone for money and I didn't ask for this either. I simply burst into tears and wanted to crawl in a hole. I am in no way perfect, never have been and never claimed to be, but it's very hard to have or show respect for someone who's not providing for his family and only wants to do what's FUN, thereby letting others take care of his responsibilities as a grown up. Maybe if we had some medical insurance (we do NOT qualify for Medicaid because we made too much LAST YEAR!!) we could see a Counselor and get some help. I'm at the end of my rope but can't afford to buy one!!

    • Jen says:

      Witt, these things he does are not "FUN" for him anymore, they are avoidance behaviors and may be signs of an addiction. You need support. Even if he doesn't drink alcohol, I would find a meeting of Al-Anon Family Groups. They have helped me tremendously to find my way and helped me save my family and my marriage.

  • Wit's End says:

    I'm in the exact same boat you are in Martha. My husband has "always been" the type to 'ignore' the kids when they need discipline but be their biggest playmate when it was 'Fun Time', making ME the Parole Officer and resident Bad Guy ~ a role for the Head of the House both in and out of Scripture. He ignores things to get out of doing them, whether it's the kids fighting, paying bills (Which he has never done!), fixing a leaky faucet, letting a fallen tree limb lay in the front yard for over a month, etc. I would never have used the word "lazy" to describe him 20 years ago. Now, however?!?!?!? He lost another job back in September (2nd job in 4 years) and is at this moment sitting 5 feet from me watching tv at noon on a Thursday (his present occupation, along with playing the PS3) instead of looking for a job that will pay enough for us to be able to Insure our 3 children. Another Head of the House Responsibility. This past Christmas, I was handed both gift cards and cash from some of our church family members who only wanted to help us out and I never knew what it was like to be utterly humiliated until that moment.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Thanks for sharing your story. 

    • cogrick2 says:

      Given the change across the years, he might need to consider testosterone boosters such as heavy resistance exercise. Age lowers testosterone levels and as they go, so can a man's sense of efficacy / potency (broadly defined). He might enjoy because it is a podcast hosted by a man in his fifties who talks about this topic and related ones. I promise I am only a fan of the show, although I am in my 30s.

    • Kate says:

      As a thought, do you have any job skills that would allow you to work? I'm currently a stay at home mom, so I do understand that roll. And, I also get the thought process of it being the head of households job to support the family. But, I am of the firm belief that when it comes to supporting a family and children, that falls on both parents who chose to have kids. And, while it is less than ideal that your husband is in the situation he is in, and I hope he comes out of it, for you to not go to work or try to pick up the extra for the kids sake, you are just as responsible for the children not having healthcare. You may not have to support him, but you do still need to support your kids. Even if it's 2 part time jobs to make up full time hours, it's not perfect, but some money in to pay the bills and put food on the fable is better than no money at all.

  • Becky Fannin says:

    Thank you for your article! I’m printing it and putting it where I’ll come across it often.

  • Martha says:

    This was written for me. I am guilty of every one of those, especially recently. For the first years of marriage, I tried really hard to be the good supporting Christian wife. Out of respect for my husband, I didn't talk to anyone when I was upset, to my emotional and spiritual detriment. I've had enough, and now I'm talking. After years of emotional and sometimes physical neglect, I am now too emotionally injured to care what he thinks. My dreams of being a stay at home mom are crushed, as I had to become the sole provider when he wouldn't look for another job, after first quitting one and the next company closing. Now he's too comfortable and has no desire for the responsibility of providing. (He might express that differently, but he's certainly not comfortable with me not earning a paycheck!) My point? This works both ways. The nagging thing? If it's asked more than once, it's important. If you ignore something that is important to us, it tells us we're not important. If we are not important to you, then why should you and your feelings be important to us? I get we all have bad days, but when days turn into months and years the message is loud and clear.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Wow! What transparency and honesty. Thank you!

    • Whozis says:

      I am a little confused. You say that it was written for you, but proceed to say what appears to be the opposite. What am I missing here?

    • Lyn says:

      If you're so unhappy and you are supporting the family you can afford to hit the road. Staying is only enabling him.

      • Erik says:

        "Hitting the road" isn't the answer either. Unfortunately in today's society that has become an all too frequent and a quick reaction to feeling unhappy. Coming from a broken marriage I can tell you, the grass IS NOT greener on the other side of the fence. It's just different. Divorce should be the absolute last option because it has lasting and broad impacts to a family. Issues should be discussed and worked on in counseling – of course both parties must be willing. Please don't look to "jump ship" just because you don't want to enable him; that's just absurd and totally contradicts the spirit of this well written article. Women, the author has also written an article of the 7 things that men unknowingly do to their wives that injure them (I read that one first by the way). I agree with it and can say I have done all 7 things to my ex-wife. I can also say if, we are all too concerned about what other people do or don't do to us or for us, it is a lose lose situation. We need to turn the mirror on ourselves and work on our challenges and that will bring change from other people. Do unto others, right?

        • javar Robinson says:

          well said sir respect

        • Martha says:

          There are two things keeping me: first, our children, and second, God calls us not to divorce. Unfortunately, there have been a couple times when I would have left anyway, but there's no way I could afford childcare, and he does provide that, even if it's not always the quality I would like (he's big on fun and tv, less so on discipline, chores, homework, and reading). He has his better times, and I need to focus more on those. I definitely have things to work on, and I'm trying, but it's very hard and discouraging when so many things about him convey the message that he'd rather be single with no responsibilities. The TV–whether it's shows, movies, sports, or video games–is usually much more important than interacting as a family (dinner at the table, board/card games, even just adult time together). And letting him have uninterrupted time to himself just seems to make it worse, instead of better. The things that I think are important to family life mean nothing to him, and he has no interest. I just really struggle with not taking that personally, and usually fail.

          • Jennifer says:

            I didn't come away with that impression, and I don't think any others did either. Relationship issues are a lot more complicated than that, and will not be solved with simple fault finding. You are looking at a snapshot in time, things did not start out this way, and there are certainly wrongs on both sides. This marriage clearly is not modeled biblically, which is not entirely her fault. Her husband would have to accept his part in the breakdown as well. On the other hand, your tone sounds very hostile and bitter, like you take her situation personally. Are you sure you aren't spilling your own personal issues upon this OP?

          • @NanCarder1 says:

            Nobody is perfect. I would encourage counseling for sure. I would also encourage you to start with making a list of all the reasons you fell in love with him, then list your biggest problems. Then the two of you could sit down and begin with small steps in working out what you need to do to get back to being happy with each other. Sounds like you are also taking too much blame for the relationships problems. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect, however, by verbalizing in a non confronting manner might help…"I feel when I come home and the kids are running like wild Indians that the children are not learning discipline…." for example (which may or may not be a problem, just an example.) When I speak to my partner I tell him how I feel, and then this is why and what do you think we need to do to fix it? But once again I would strongly urge you to speak to your priest, a counselor, etc…and get professional help. Good luck to you and your husband and God Bless you as well.

    • Mary says:

      Sometimes I think wives forget that they made a CHOICE to marry their husbands. Most of the time, character issues can be identified during dating/courtship. It's important to listen to the little voice in your head. Ignoring it but being surprised to see those character issues worsen with age (and then complaining about it) doesn't really make sense. This is why choosing a mate wisely is so very important.

      • Kendra says:

        And men make a CHOICE to marry their wives. They both chose each other. It's not necessarily true that character issues are identifiable during dating, not even most of the time. People generally put on their best selves during courtship in order to snag the person they're attracted to. I do realize there are exceptions, like violence, drug/alcohol addictions, can be present during dating, but under normal circumstances people hide their shortcomings. I mean, anyone can be great for 3 hours on a Saturday night, but the real him/her is at home in a cage, waiting to get out. And the minute one of them says "I do," look out!

        Nobody wears a sign on their back announcing their faults so it's not realistic to assume people know exactly whom they are marrying. So while the argument of choosing a mate wisely sounds reasonable in theory it doesn't work in practice. Plus it's no more than a cop-out/defense others make on the behalf of the spouse who isn't fulfilling their role in the marriage.

    • Russ T. Shackleford says:

      Interesting how Martha admits the article convicted her, yet in her reply continues to exhibit some of same behaviors/attitudes identified as destructive.

    • lace says:

      I completely agree

  • John Cato says:

    As a recent newlywed, these are some of the things that bother me as well. Encouraged by your ministry!