My post “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It” has been a popular (and unpopular) post.
Of course, a companion post is warranted. Guys, we injure our wives. All of us do. We are different and the way we respond to our wife often causes injury. And, most of the time, it’s unintentional. We didn’t even know we were doing it.
I’m not making excuses for us. We should strive to learn our spouse and do better at understanding our differences, communicating better and injuring less. That’s what this post is about. Awareness. Understanding.
I ran this post by my wife, so it’s Cheryl approved, although it wasn’t that hard to write. As a counselor and pastor, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and have seen this countless times. I wish I could say I never did any of these, but this would be a lie. This post is written with one finger pointed forward and four more pointed my way.
Here are 7 ways a husband injures a wife – without even knowing it:
Cuts her out of the discussion – When you act as if she isn’t even there or wouldn’t understand what you’re talking about, she feels a part of her is detached. She sees the marriage as a partnership – in every part of life – even the parts she may never fully understand.
Fails to notice the difference she makes – A woman doesn’t want to be appreciated for only what she does. She wants you to appreciate who she is, but you can admit it – she does a lot. Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean – or that you have your favorite soap – a woman wants to know what she does is valued by you.
Underestimates the small stuff – You only said “this” but it was “THIS” to her. And it hurts. You may even think it’s funny. She may even laugh. But it is often building a wall of protection around her heart each time you do. The key here is that you can’t talk to her like you might talk to another guy. She hears and feels deeper than you do. Words can and do hurt.
Speaks with curtness – When you talk down to her, as if she’s somehow less than you, you bruise her spirit. Deeply. And, you know she’s not less than you – you don’t even think she is – she just can’t tell that sometimes based on your tone and the way you talk to her.
Corrects her as she’s talking – This could be finishing her sentences or speaking for her in the company of others. She feels demeaned and devalued when you present her to others as if she can’t compete with you in original thought…which you know isn’t true. (My wife is much smarter than me.)
Acts suspicious – Don’t misunderstand or misapply this one. When you hide information, even when you think you’re protecting her, you cause her to question your motive. When you protect your calendar or act like you are upset at the question, “What did you do today?” or “What did you talk about?” or “Who was that?” when someone calls, it gives her an eerie feeling something is wrong. And, that hurts.
Admires other women over her – She sees you looking. She may even understand your highly visual make-up. It hurts her, however, when a glance becomes a stare, especially when it happens everywhere you go – all the time.
A wife’s heart, no matter how independent or strong she is, is tender in places. Lots of places. She can bruise easily in some areas of her life – especially the places which involve the people she loves the most – like you. A husband who understands this is more careful in how he speaks and responds to her.
Most husbands I know would never injure their wife knowingly. They want to be her protector. Men, when we don’t realize the damage we are doing to our wives emotions, we invalidate every desire we have to be her defender. I always like to use this thought as a reminder: Would I ever allow another man to speak to or treat my wife like I am doing? She’s a precious gift guys – let’s treat her well.
What other ways do husbands injure their wives, without even knowing it?
(Note: I used this post in a message I preached on marriage. You can view it HERE. Also, I wrote a parenting version of this post about ways parents injure a child. Read it HERE.)
Every man should read it!
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Lol, are you kidding me? These women are doing the maximum. If anyone needs compassion it’s the husband. How can you be this blind? There is no way you can’t see the issue unless you are a narcissist. Bruh, have a little compassion for the woman who is putting up with the bullshit and doing so with a smile on her face. Have a heart?
He did write another article….You need to stop shifting blame and pointing a finger every time someone holds you accountable for your actions. This article is not about women mistreating men. It is about men mistreating women. Instead of complaining and whining because your actions are being exposed get a grip and be responsible for your actions and stop hating on women. Women also mistreat men but this isn’t what the article is about. Get a grip and stop being a hypocrite snowflake ❄️
Hey, you’re not stupid! You’re smart enough to recognize what this is, after all. He’s to blame. Tell him how you feel, and if he can’t respond by improving his behavior, I hope you can leave. Please take care of yourself!
I second this recommendation! Lived with it for years. It’s so insidious and creeps up over time. You hardly notice until you’re so exhausted and drained of humanity, you consider suicide.
Yes. Agree totally with comments that this is so condescending to women.
My partner doesn’t work and has no intention of doing so. He relies on his parents handouts. I work in a highly paid job, do all household chores, cook, clean and have raised 4 intelligent, kind and caring children in spite of him.
He lives his life through them and expects excellence…eldest is a barrister, next is psychotherapist, lawyer and youngest a doctor.
They are not fooled by him. He is a sad and pathetic individual.
Be strong for yourself and your children. The tide will turn. I feel sorry for him and the life he could have lived.
Your article is quite frankly demeaning towards men and assuming in general that women are always right to feel the way they do and men should be chastised for their wife's somehow justified "feelings" in any situation. How could you possibly know that?
LOL a man would say that. The truth of the matter is men use and abuse women all the time, take them for granted and act like they have to do all sorts of things simply because they have a vagina (which they did not ask for) and do it with a smile. You need a reality check sir.
Your response validated what I was saying. You assume men are (paraphrasing…) "using and abusing women all the time". That goes both ways. I am the abused one in my family because I "as a man" am not allowed to hit a woman, much less my wife, even though she hits me frequently, yells at me allot for simple things like not putting the dishes for a family of 5(3 grand-kids that mostly live with us) into the dishwasher right away, or not letting the dogs come inside as soon as I let them out for bathroom duties, or try to talk to my adult children when she doesn't know about it because she isn't in control of what I say then, she yells at me in front of my young grand-children belittling me so very often (did that in front of our kids as well), she is so controlling I am not allowed to even make my own doctor appointments because I might infringe on her plans when the grand-kids are at school, she insists on having complete control of the money (we are retired and my retirement money is about one third of hers, she insists on controlling not just her money which is fine, but mine as well).
You have no idea how the other side of this he-said she-said issue goes. It is not always the woman who is abused and like I said originally, your article is "demeaning towards men and assuming in general that women are always right to feel the way they do". I call major bull shit on you for that!
I don't really know why I have stayed with her all this time (40 years) other than the promise we made to each other when we got married and I think I would still have to deal with her if we divorced in order to ever see the grand-kids … she is not all bad and I still love that part of her, I know that, but at this point the returns do not justify the price being paid.
___________________
A miserable 66 year old man who is tired of hearing this kind of crap from women
You are not showing your children or grandkids to love and respect themselves if you can’t leave an abusive situation. They will/have grown thinking treating others that way it OK because that is what they’ve grown up around. Now as to the article he never once said this applies to all men. Nor did he say that women aren’t guilty of these very same things. Most men aren’t in a situation like you and do need a reminder that you can’t treat or talk to their wives like they would a buddy
Yes, but don’t blame him for the abuse and what the grandkids see, etc because he has a right to be there too. If it’s HER behavior, they will see that and know it’s not him. Blame the victim, not cool. But I must agree that he should leave something that is soul-destroying.
Lack of communication will kill any relationship. If you can’t talk to (not AT) your wife, the lack of respect could become overwhelming for her.
Speaking from experience…
Great article!!
We appreciate the information.
LOL to you too I don’t think sexism will change anything here. What needs to be understood is that just like women, there are things that hurt guys too. Both side are important and both need to be the time it takes to feel heard and respected.
“She sees the marriage as a partnership – in every part of life – even the parts she may never fully understand.”
Seriously? The parts she may never fully understand?
Do you realize how superior you’re making yourself sound, even on a blog post that talks about ways you injure your wife?
Why can’t she ever fully understand? Is she just stupid?
And more importantly, are you ready to acknowledge there are things YOU will never fully understand?
You make wives sound like they have tiny little brains that couldn’t possibly understand what you big men are thinking.
News flash: The future is female, whether you like it or not.
kys
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Wish my husband would read this
I’m reading this and I’m blown away by this and how true it is. I never even know I’m doing some of these things and today because of it my wife is leaving me.
Ron Edmondson is in touch with his emotional side, so much so that he wrote a one sided article. Why not include the other side, like how women hurt their men? Come on, Ron, don’t play it safe with another male lecturing piece, give us the full perspective.
Try this one: https://ronedmondson.com/2014/01/7-ways-a-wife-injures-a-husbandwithout-even-knowing-it.html
My husband has not gotten me a Christmas gift in 4 years he has no reason why. I am so hurt
This was the companion piece to “7 ways a wife hurts her husband”. He wrote the one for the men FIRST. This was the follow up. You should read the intro.
Thanks!
He DID, Mark. If you bothered to get you pighead out of your ass and READ the article, you would see that this is the companion post to the one that you demand. I pray you aren’t in a relationship.
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all
There are more than 7 ways a man hurts his wife without even knowing. I understand the article may be related to normal husbands and normal marriages, but what can a wife do with a husband that is emotionally unstable (depression, mood swings, anxiety, fearful, argumentative)? In addition, my husband is extremely demanding, and everything must be his way or no way at all. I’m always walking on eggshells around him, to avoid “setting him off.” Unfortunately, I am human and make mistakes, which lead to my “hurt husband” to call me derogatory names and stop talking to me for weeks or months. Thirty years of “understanding” his hurts is really hurting me, in more areas than the heart. I’m a very patient and empathetic person, but when is it enough? Perhaps an article about mental instabilities, and what they do to relationships should be written, so husbands suffering from that (but refusing to admit it) can see how they are hurting their wives.
Hi, I’m wondering the same thing. My husband has gotten so bad, that I can’t even ask a simple question without getting my head bit off. I’m getting too old for this. It’s really complex, and has been gone on awhile, but seems to be getting worse. My stomach stays in knots and I’m not sleeping. I can’t do this anymore. My husbands weight has always been a problem, but lately it is worse. He recently spent a lot of money to lose eight., and did. I was very proud of him. He has gained it back tho, and Im concerned about it, because we had check ups, and his try glide ride level was 320! That is very high. I can’t say anything or he gets very angry. Lately he gets angry at a lot! I’ve begged him, for YEARS, to walk with me. I’ve also wanted marriage counseling, he refuses. I can’t take it anymore. It’s as if he hates me, himself….I don’t know. I only know that I can’t live like this anymore. I use to be a care free confident person. Now I am a shell, with no confidence at all. Afraid to say, literally anything to him, in fear he will get angry. Then when I do try and talk, he resorts to the behavior of a 10 yr old and literally repeats a phrase over and over. For example, your a nag, your a nag, your a nag! What do I do? I can’t live like this anymore. He thinks talking- trying to talk things out, make them better is arguing, and refuses to do it! I’m wondering if he has ADHD, BECAUSE OUR SON DOES, and he doesn’t seem to be able to discuss things in an adult rationale way. What do I do? Please God help me!
Look up narcissistic abuse.
Hi Joni,
I am almost 67 years old. It ‘s so odd, how you life is kind of a reflection of mine. My husband is supposed to be a Christian, but it doesn’t show. He talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. According to him, I don’t know anything. But I do. I can’t do things my way, it has to be his way. He tells me how to do everything. I am not stupid. I can cook, clean, wash clothes, etc.
When he expects me to do something for him, it has to be done right that second, but when I need help with something, it’s never done. I have arthritis, a heart and lung condition. If I ask for help, he flies off the handle. He’ll say you GD F’n B. Do it yourself. Then he’ll turn right around and deny saying those things, when I tell him he shouldn’t talk to me like that. Then will go right back to cursing me even more. We’ve been together 15 years. Married 8 of those years. My 1st husband was violently abusive to me. Even when I was pregnant. We were married for 10 years until I had to divorce him or he would have harmed me and my children. My2nd husband, couldn’t stay away from mommy. But only married me to get out of her house. Go figure. He did some really bad things so after 13 years, I divorced him. The man I am currently talking about is number 3 and the last. I pray to GOD and JESUS every night for strength, joy, happiness, love, peace and contentment. I don’t spend money. Never had it to spend. Trying to get by day by day. I thank GOD and JESUS for what they did for me. And I also praise their Glorious names.
I feel what you feel.
Love, peace and praise.
God Bless You
Kathy.
You ladies may be married to a verbal abuser just as I was for 29 long, painful and confusing years. I couldn’t find any material when searching under ‘toxic relationships.’ The professionals call it verbal abuse and when I googled that, plenty of material came up. A psychiatrist gave me the names of these two books. They were life savers. Please read the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans. Also, “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. Both are usually found at the local library. This will help you connect the dots and understand the dynamics of what is going on. There are also suggestions on how to react to VA and how to tell if he’s a lost cause. Know that it is nothing that you are doing or not doing that causes him to behave this way. I think it should be required reading for every high-school-age girl because abusers start early. I wish to H*ll I had read this before I got married. Best of luck to you ladies.
Hello Fabiola,
I completely agree with you. I’ve been with my husband 20 years. Despite my being in severe back pain, he demands sex every 2 days. He gets very angry if I say I’m in too much pain. I’m having back surgery soon. I’m sure ill have to get admitted to a physical rehab program after surgery because he won’t make me any food or care about my needs after surgery. All he cares about is his needs, not mine!!!!
i just ask my husband do you want to go swimming , I am 52 mother of four grown children a size 8 he said aren’t you embarrassed the way you look . my heart dropped i think wow 38 years being with a jerk a pig a racist now a body shamed everyday he calls me names tells me to f off go f my self and my children hate him too why did i stay all this time whats wrong with me , i was raped in 1980 then met him i only ever had the one boyfriend
I’m turning 64 in oct. My husband is 67 he is a binge drinker and lies about it all the time. I can tell when he has had a few simply by looking at him. I have a glass or sometimes two when I am socializing. When he drinks he says things that are mean and calls me names sometimes. I here him talking to him self about crazy stuff, I can’t have a conversation with anyone he interrupts and takes over. There has been many times I have simply walked away for this reason, he be littles me in grocery stores, restaurants, over money such as purchasing food and sometimes going over our limit for that day. I find my self looking up ate the sky when I see a plane fly by wish I was on it going somewhere, I feel lonely and confused on what to do next. We have been married 37 years four kids four grandbabies. Friends and family say I need to leave him its not something so easy to do. He has had two DUI 10 years apart but in the state of Oregon three strikes your out.
Another thing he does is when we go to parties together he sits away from me I have been asked many times by men why am I along. I have been told I look like I’m in my forties He seems not to care. I’m open for suggestion’s and Ideas.Thanks’ for letting me vent I simply need an ear to listen Lori B
Dear Lori,
Please don’t take this the wrong way but what I have gathered from dissecting your post and writing style is that,,,,simply,,,you need passion. I think that your self esteem and confidence could be rekindled into a blazing glory with a little passion. But not from him. You need to get on the dating sites and go out to dance. Find a respectful man (not some male chauvinistic pig.) not a drunk asshole just there to bang the first woman that falls for his speel. Go out in the world get back your power regain your independence away from your husband and start living life for “you” again. You will be glad you did and so will your kids and friends.
My spouse continually hangs up on me when he’s upset. When I was young, probably in middle school, I made the mistake of hanging up on my dad (who was killed in a car accident in 2010) when I was mad. He immediately called back and told me that he felt that was the rudest possible thing you could do to someone and I don’t think I had ever heard him that mad. My husband is very familiar with this story, as I tell it every time he hangs up on me which, conveniently, is always due to a “technical issue” with the phone. Ironic that he always has these “technical issues” when he is pissed off and yelling at me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but definitely often enough to make me question how much longer I can stay with someone who clearly lacks at least a certain amount of respect for me. We’ve been together for almost 10 years and more difficult is the fact that we have two dogs who are almost 10 as well and I could never separate them, nor could I live without them and I know he feels the same way which makes me feel trapped in a way. He makes me question whether or not I’m overreacting about all this, but I don’t think I am. I think this a serious sign of disrespect.
Hi, my husband hangs up on me, too. If I try and talk about serious (really anything) he ignores me. He has even got up, and turned the tv up when I’m trying to talk to him. Why have I stayed? He has gotten so over weight his triglyceride level is 320, dangerously high! If I try and say anything, he gets upset. Even if it’s not about his wght, especially that, tho. He jumps to conclusions about everything I say or do. He gives me the silent treatment for days. I can’t live like this anymore. He treats me like I’m stupid and unimportant. I deserve better than this. I’m on disability, tho and don’t want to lose my house. I’ve lived here for 20 yrs. and before that had never lived anywhere more than a yr. I have no 401, for retirement. And to make everything worse, I just buried my last living sibling. I am still grieving, but it doesn’t matter to him. Nothing but FOOD matters to him. Help me, please God.
I also have 4 dogs, and a big yard. I couldn’t take the dogs, if I moved. And he knows this. And he knows how connected to them I am. My only saving grace, is he works offshore, and is gone 4 weeks, home for two, gone for 4. This is one reason I’ve given him the benefit of doubt all these yrs. the reality is I RAISED THE CHILDREN BY MYSELF (I adopted his twins) but he doesn’t respect that or appreciate it. Instead he talks about me, behind my back running me down to the boys! They don’t respect or appreciate me either, because for yrs he has run me down to them. I can’t live like this anymore. I just want my remaining yrs to be peaceful, not afraid to talk, with mutual love and respect. Loving God, and finding those moments of joy. With him, tho there never are moments like that anymore….unless we are in front of others, and then he pours it on, like he’s such a good husband. Living hell…that’s what it is!
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. In his past relationship he wined _ dined bought nice gifts,.I have proof of this. I’ve had a couple of times such as my birthday _christmas and our annivetsary nothing not even a card. I’ve had to get very upset and shame him into buying me flowers for this Valentine’s. I don’t feel it’s from the heart. He s told me 3 excuses 1st reason_& he gave in the past got Him no where. I thought our relationship was different. Oh I thought the nee kitchen was our Christmas gift. That wasn’t the case. Waking up this Christmas I was do sad not even a card to open . I told him him it’s not the gift it’s knowing your partner thought about you. My birthday is Fri ??? He also has told me I’m the first person that has been so good to him… Sad and confused llstc
So basically be everything the mind envisions you to be?
Sorry but no one is like that neither men nor woman in actuality. I don’t think anyone can read minds yet but technology is bringing us close.
The objective thing to do would be to voice the opinion allowed rather than dance around the fire, no one is a mind reader you can’t ask someone to make a critical choice based purely on body language.
“If I don’t know what your thinking, you can’t expect me to change the unthinkable!”
All these things you talk about is exactly how he treats me anymore I try so hard to explain to him but nothing works . I’m just really hurt right now. Thanks for writing this I don’t feel as crazy now
Each of you sounds like a victim of narcissistic abuse. Google it. Take care of your own mental health.
I agree with Maeve. You deserve to be happy with another adult. Not a babysitter.
Hello Mr. Ron, One thing I do not like about my husband is the way he is behaving with me in front of his one particular friend and friend’s wife. Last year, we had our outing together after our marriage as we skipped our honeymoon. Technically this outing is supposed to be our honeymoon but since we were in another country where his best friend lives, he asked to meet him as it had been long time since they meet last time. Therefore to make my husband happy, I said okay we will meet and spend time with his friend and their wife. We ended up spending 2 days with them. Within couple of hour, I noticed changes in my husband’s behavior. During this time, when his friend ask me to choose the place or to decide something like where I want to go for sightseeing or for dinner or anything, I answered his friend as whatever they want to do or wherever they want to go, we will go. But then he hesitated so I chose the place for sightseeing and dinner. His friend totally ignored my answers and end up behaving like he didn’t heard me at the first place. So I repeated the answers again to ensure that he heard me second time. My husband finds that I was being stubborn in front of everyone, just because I repeated my answer like I want to go this place for dinner or lets go to this place for this dinner. My husband told me literally in front of his friends that I am being extremely stubborn and behaving immaturely.
I never met his wife before this trip. So, His wife asks questions to me to get to know me better. As I felt nothing was wrong with asking questions, I answered her and told it like a story. She asks stuffs like how me and my husband met and etc. my husband pulled me aside away from them, and told me that I’m talking too much with them unnecessarily. This wife is not much smart, but still if she mess up in confusion or any manner, the guy defends her like crazy. If I mess up in any manner, my husband yells at me as if i landed everyone into big trouble and I could have avoid it. I never made any mistakes that could land any of us in trouble, so I believe that no matter how big mistake I make I do not deserve to be treated like that. But my husband still does same with me. At the same time, this guy (my husband’s friend) behaves like he disapproved of me and he doesn’t like me at all. He gives same expression when at me, when his wife starts the conversation and I defend the conversation. For example, his wife said that the water from public drinking water fountain at the one of local sightseeing spot is not safe water to drink and even from the bathroom sink from their home. So I said like the water here is the safe to drink and even from the bathroom sink from their home. She said like might be but she doesn’t like drinking water from bathroom sink like she thought the water from bathroom sink is same water as water in toilet. I didn’t like the conversation so I said never mind it’s fine her preferences. Her husband started to give me disapproved facial expression. Throughout the whole trip, He yelled at me more than couple times in front of everyone. I wasn’t happy about it and I couldn’t forget the incident and smile as if nothing happened.
If his wife disapproved of something, then he will tell my husband to change the plan, place or anything. But if I express similar opinion, everyone disrespects my feelings by ignoring as if I didn’t say anything at the first place.
My husband treats me like a kid by repeating more than twices about anything he wanted to tell me or say to me as if I am deaf and cannot understand things easily.
During our sightseeing, we had to walk lot, so all the time his friend was holding his wife’s hand and hugging her like as if they are newly married and whispering in her ears and laughings and playing mischiefs with each other like love teasing and all. On the other side, my husband and I were walking behind them like a strangers with distances between us as if we just met and we are getting uncomfortable with each other. It felt like it’s this guy’s honeymoon, not ours.
On our way back to our home, I brought this up to my husband’s attention and my husband realized the mistake and apologies to me. He even asked if we want to go back and have him apologies to me in front of his friend and wife. I said no because it is supposed to be our personal conversation. We forgot this incident until it bought back to me last night. This guy video-called my husband to share the news of expecting baby. My husband video-called me to share his happiness with me and connected me in 3-way video calling. During the call, he asked me in front of his friend if we can go meet them again. I couldn’t say no. then his friend asked me something and I answered him back in long reply. At the same time, my husband was saying something so he stopped me by repeating my name and ask me if he can talk now. I went quiet and said okay.
After we finished our video calling, I felt the same fear, same tension and same nervousness inside me just like I used to feel back when we were with them in our last trip. It seems like this guy is pretending to like me but he doesn’t. it seems like im always talking negatively or talking bad about them. But I never talked bad or negatively with anyone of them.
After my husband came back home, I expressed to him about the same fear and feeling, which I felt in our last trip together with this friend. My husband told me that he won’t let that happened again. But after seeing his behavior through the video calling, my fears and feelings are not ready to be calm.
Mr. Ron, there is something about this guy that changes my husband’s behavior towards me. I don’t know what is it though. But same behavior happened every single time we are together with this particular friend and his wife.
Great article! It is on point for what women need and feel. We act like we’re strong but in reality so vulnerable, when it comes to outbid husbands.
Shanika
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Can the marriage be annulled? He sounds like he needs to get steppin!
Looks Like either this friend guy finds you prettier than his wife n he wants to get your Attention n that’s why ignoring you… I hope you know it’s a mind game some wicked men are expert at playing… Plus because he is an expert player he has played your husband’s mind too by giving him some tips to handle women or blah blah blah… You remind yourself of his wife’s complexion meaning was it pale or good, n was she overjoyed when she was being heard by her husband in front of both of you… If yes that means he is a worst kind of a husband to her when in private, you hv already described him as a worst person… Please do nt play in his game,,, tell your husband boldly either him or me or I quit cuz then there is no point in living with a guy who does nt believe in himself n accepts any guys wicked advice or whatever way cones to your mind…. See respecting our husbands is important key but he has to learn to cut wrong people too n taking stand for you… Can he let others travel on his own ticket, ask him these questions… I bet he will come to his senses… There has to be some secret these two guys share, find out or don’t find out but cut their friend rope with a mighty attack.. Taking stand in marriage for a right reasons is acceptable… Also if he is nt protecting you then you know what you have to do,,, of course protect yourself… Last word fear only Jesus nt people cuz they can’t harm you with God on your side… Now you know what that guy is up-to… Kick that guys ass as hard as you can but handle your husband with all care… Remember bible says husband is a covering to his wife n wife is a covering to her husband… I think it’s your husband u should save first 😊
It really sounds like he put you on the spot by asking you to take this trip in front of his friend, basically making it impossible for you to say no without seeming like you have a problem with this guy and, thus, making his apparent issue with you grown even more. I would simply tell your husband that you do not want to go, but will not stop him from going to see his friend. I would explain that the second you were all in a group dynamic again, he immediately reverted back to the same disrespectful attitude, basically treating you as lesser. Frankly, I would be irrate if my husband repeated my name and then asked if he could talk when we were alone, let alone when we were around other people. You’re exactly right, that is something you would say to a child who doesn’t understand how a conversation works. I guarantee he will make all sorts of promises that this trip will be different if you come along but it seems like you would have to remind him repeatedly of how he should be treating you during the trip and, of course, you can’t exactly say something while this jerk friend is around and would probably end up having a lousy time. I completely agree with the comment above that your husband’s friend likely treats his wife like garbage in private and then puts on a show whenever other people are around. If your husband treated you like this whenever he was around any of his friends, I would definitely suggest leaving him but because it is only an issue with this one friend, I would simply ask that he visit this friend without you if he insists on remaining friends with a total jerk that has done nothing but disrespect you (but I would say it in a less negative/more eloquent way haha). I would guess that the first trip he takes without you will be miserable, he will miss you like crazy and, if my understanding of this friend is correct, he may even realize that the friendship has run its course and can’t continue if it means choosing between his friend and his wife. All you can really do is remove yourself from the situation. It’s the only way you can make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Gee, thanks for the condescending attitude toward women. I was hoping I could share this with my husband, but would be shut out by #1. You couldn’t have thrown a bone to us whose contribution is making double the salary of our useless husbands? I wish I was the woman buying soap all day…
The comments here are causing me to smell some overt and covert narcissists in the husbands. I am very familiar with these crap people because I’m married to one. Google the following, if you are interested. Silent treatment, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, blame-shifting, lack of empathy, ruining birthdays and holidays, love bombing, idealization, devaluation, discard, trauma-bonding, psychopath, sociopath etc. This is not a one -time study session. It takes years of reading about narcissists (overt AND covert) in order to get some understanding. Join some secret support groups on this subject on Facebook. Read and read.
Happy Valentine’s Day ladies!! Love yourself like no one else will! Be strong! Ladies first!!
If I could just go back… I never would have married my “soul mate”. All I am reading here and from experience it seems every marriage devolves into a situation where the man is supposed to pamper the woman and walk on egg shells around her emotions. Why? At what point did any man (or woman) agree to tiptoe around someone else not being able to handle their own emotions or deal with feeling content with their own life without the other person constantly feeding this to them? No where in the vows did it say “I promise to make sure no matter what happens down the road, I will make my wife (or husband) happy every day by filling some imagined void in their contentment every single day” It’s no wonder marriages are down year by year, because the younger generations see this in their parents and want no part of it. I don’t blame them. Heaven to me would be living on my own at this point. Every one of these women on here get to tell you one side of the story and paint it however they like for you, the reader. You do not hear the other side of the coin. Are they constantly overspending, nagging, themselves critical of everything the man does, waited until children came along and then turned into a completely different person because they felt they now had leverage to be a pain in the ***? No… you hear only one side of things in these comments and I’m sure it’s far from the truth. Have I become an a**hole? Most likely. It didn’t just happen and the reasons why are many, but some of them are the problems I have to deal with from my spouse that are completely unnecessary. The truth is marriage is hard, and as the culture is changing it is only getting worse… much worse. If you aren’t married right now, do not be so foolish to believe somehow you are the couple that will never face these problems. You will and most likely worse as the times change. Will some actually do ok? Of course, but the numbers are VERY much not in your favor that you will be among them. You have a lifetime of changes in interests, and that will be the first thing that will cause you to drift and then these other little problems come up and next thing you know, you are either just existing in the situation until you die, life is pure hell day to day, or you are on a roller coaster from day to day. Once children are in the picture, you are basically screwed if you are the provider and the other party knows that. Stay away from marriage. It’s an outdated concept.
In my marriage, it’s my children and I that walk on eggshells. His feelings, ideas, time, energy, and contributions to the family are more important than ours (in his eyes). He expects me to listen to him rant about his concerns and issues from the day, and I do my best to offer that support and listen, yet I am not allowed to have a bad day or be stressed about a situation. If I look stressed, I get the question “What do you have to be stressed about? You get to stay home!”
I consider myself lucky to be a stay at home mom, to raise my kids, and to be able to allow my husband to come home to a clean house and a homemade meal. I NEVER tell him what he does is not enough. However, it hurts to never get any respect in return. I constantly put my feelings and needs aside to avoid making him angry. If he feels even slightly disrespected, he loses his temper. He refuses to go over a household budget with me because it insults him to have anyone else tell him what to do with *his* hard earned money. He uses work, and the need to make money to support us, as an excuse to not spend time with me (outside of a one sided quickie when he needs one.) He makes excuses as to why he can’t go to our son’s practices or games, is always quick to point out what we do wrong, does not attend my family functions, yet I am expected to be excited to attend his. I have to ask for money to go grocery shopping, and he gets upset to find out $100 is not enough for 4 people and 2 dogs!
I used to work full time, but had to quit my job because we lost our babysitter, and my entire salary would have been just enough to cover daycare. When I was working, he would never leave work to pick up the kids from school when they were sick. He owns his own business, and had the full ability to adjust his schedule accordingly, but his words to me were “My job is more important than yours because I get paid more.”
I could seriously go on for hours with these examples. To everyone outside of our marriage, things are great. His role as provider is praised and idolized, while mine is marginalized. If I try to discuss my concerns with him, it ALWAYS gets turned around to be a personal insult on him and the sacrifices he makes for us.
You should know, that it is not about having to bend over backward to not hurt a woman’s feelings. It is about feeling respected and valued. It needs to go both ways, and it goes a long way in keeping both husband and wife happy.
I hear you sister! My husband made sure I knew it was a HUGE imposition to take a half day off work to come pick me up from the hospital after I had each of our four babies. Pompous ASS!! It’s all about them. They are the martyrs and the victims. We don’t count. P.S. Atleast your hubby wants a quickie. Mine could only perform to procreate. ED the first yr of marriage, until literally our 1 yr anniversary and only wanted some when it was time to have another baby. It’s been 16 yrs since we conceived a baby and a deadbed ever since. 30 yrs now and I’m about done with him, when my oldest finishes HS. Aint life grand. Save myself for this!
Favorite quote describing the state of my 30 yr ‘marriage’- ‘Sex w/o love is as hollow and ridiculous as love w/o sex.’ No ‘love’ coming from him for well over half our marriage. Call me the eternal optimist. Rejected. Done hoping.
BTW- Went to a marriage and family therapist by myself, seeking help. She wasn’t at all concerned that I’m living a celibate life. WTH?! Therapists are lame.
You need to find another therapist or counselor! I feel that if you are not having a physical relationship, you are just roommates. My ex wasn’t that interested in sex either except for a quickie to fulfill his needs. Now I wonder if he is really gay and in denial. It would explain so much. On our honeymoon on the Maine coast, we came back early because it was foggy one day and ‘there was nothing to do.’ He would call one of his co-workers (a real hunky guy) on the phone every day after work and talk for an hour! But I wasn’t allowed to talk to his sister on the phone for any length of time. We moved to a new place and he became besties with a married neighbor, also hunky, who used to be a Chippendale dancer. They used to go shopping for electronics and stuff together all the time. I was getting medication for depression from a psychiatrist and mentioned something about my relationship. She said, “We call those people barnacles. They stick to you like glue and suck the life out of you.” Every woman on the planet should read these two books that she recommended: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans, and “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. Both are usually found at the local library. They will help you connect the dots and understand the dynamics of what is going on. There are also suggestions on how to counter the verbal abuse (VA) and how to tell if he’s a lost cause. Know that it is nothing that you are doing or not doing that causes him to behave this way. Best of luck to you ladies.
Mike, Thank you my man! I’ve tried marriage three times. Right now on the verge of a third failed marriage! Mainly because I get no support when disciplining my wife’s kids. I’ve always been an overly nice loving guy. That has never seemed to work. I have not even been able to fix my life from the damage of the first one. So going into number two and three is purely my fault. 100% fact Marriage is overrated. Just a piece of paper to make your life a living hell IF or when it doesn’t work.
married 50 years and I don’t have any problems! I just did’t have sex with her, ignored her, no communication with her and never really slept with her. I wouldn’t listen to the whinning, bitching and name calling. There fore no problems
Are you my husband. Thanks for putting in the effort! NOT
Nice to be on this site and say no problem. She probably thinks you suck in bed and is happier when you ignore her. The “bitching” and name calling ??? if you have no communication this must be your imagination. You are an ass and I hope you make good money because she deserves that at least.
Nice to be on this site and say no problem. She probably thinks you suck in bed and is happier when you ignore her. The “bitching” and name calling ??? if you have no communication this must be your imagination. You are an ass and I hope you make good money because she deserves that at least. Also, 50 years is so amazing and the fact that you seem to enjoy being like this to her but bragging about longevity (my husband of 20 years does too) is plain mean, indescribably mean.
Wow so many comments. I will add my experience in. I think the thing that hurts me the most, is when I am speaking to him and he acts disinterested, or like I’m bothering him. For example, when I say something and he doesn’t even acknowledge that he heard me. Not a nod, a word, or even a grunt. So I will repeat myself in case he really didn’t hear (he has some slight hearing problems), and he gets angry and snarky that I am saying it AGAIN. Or another example, which just happened – I quickly told him about a joke I’d shared with a friend that I found amusing and his response was just “uh huh”, with no eye contact; no effort to show he cared that I spoke to him, or to try and enjoy the joke with me (even if it was just a fake smile to show he at least cared). He once even directly told me not to talk to him about things that don’t interest him, that I should talk to my one friend about things that interest me and not to him. I have only one friend, but she has her own life to worry about – and I only work from home so I get very little human contact. I literally crave talking to my husband when he’s home and he just wants me to exist around him, but not speak to him. I have tried talking about things that interest him, and it piques his interest when I try to read up on his favorite football team, or cars – but eventually he loses focus (and patience) if I even try to squeeze in something about me, or something I wanted to share with him not revolving around him and his interests. It hurts. I feel like I’m withering away inside with no human interaction with the person who is supposed to be closest to me. I have resorted to a friendship with a man online (strictly platonic from my end, though he told me he has feelings for me, but will respect my marriage and settle for friendship). He listens to me. He responds with interest and gives me his opinion and advice on things. He tells me I’m smart, and funny, and interesting. He puts me and our friendship as a priority and always makes time out of his life to have wonderful conversations with me. He makes me feel like a person. That’s just my experience for what it’s worth.
Kasey, I wonder what your life is like now? I’m living this exact same travesty (minus the online make friend). It’s scary how much our lives and treatment from our husbands is alike. Idk what to do. I’m actually feeling shaky, crazy, sad, etc and I don’t know who would be friends with me anymore.
ive been married almost 10 years now and have one child my husband is very controlling person with a serious drinking problem . he cares only of his feelings mine dont matter. He calls me nasty names ,says hurtful things about my family , this happens alot . im the only one working and paying the bills . im constantly on edge because im afraid that i will say or do something that will set him off to were he is punching holes in the walls , kicking doors off hendges, breaking anything he can get his hands on .or damageing my only car i own . in his mind im sleeping around so he thinks i lie and im not to be trusted period . ive told him to leave several times which he wont .he tells me he doesnt have to leave . i try to be the bigger person alot of the times and walk away and ignore him when he is drunk and wanting to fight. But that makes him even more mad im at my limit .
This seems like domestic violence. You may need to contact a domestic violence shelter and they can help you with counseling, escape plan, and restraining order. You need to be loved and not abused.
I understand. I am with a man that I have known for 17 yrs. He has a very short temper..never hit me) just very impatient. He talked very cocky most of the time to me, and it makes me feel like a big nothing. I am not married to him. Not sure if i will stay in this relationship either. He never listens to anything that I tell him bothers me. He tells me I am wrlng, or stop being rediculas.
His violence will only escalate until he starts punching you. I used to read that this would happen and say, nah, not my husband. And yet… You need to read these two books about verbal abuse (which also covers physical abuse). It will make the manipulation and everything that is going on absolutely clear and they are found in nearly every library. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans. Also, “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. After reading them, you will be able to make an informed decision about what to do. My ex was not interested in changing, “there was no problem.” I had been married for 29 miserable years and wasn’t going to stand for one more. Best thing I ever did was leaving him; never even think about him. The books also tell you how to leave safely, because that is the time when women are more likely to be hurt by their abusers. I wish you all the best.
After 22 years of marriage, I have been so beat down with my husband’s cutting words, I have had serious thoughts of leaving. He has become so bitter at God because he doesn’t have the one thing in life he wants most…to be in full-time ministry. He has blamed me and our children. Yet, he was offered a way to actually get into the ministry the right way, but refused it because it wasn’t the way he wanted. So, he continued to blame his family. He put us all in a financial hurt-lock and even didn’t listen to me when he decided we should move in with my parents after quitting a good full-time job and moving in with them. Now, he purposely made us homeless and jobless then claims it was the lowest point in his life. Now, just as I knew would happen, we have an extremely strained relationship with my parents. My husband’s relationship with his family is at an all-time low right now. For many years he has made my relationship with him a competition with my relationship with our kids. When he wants time with me for any reason, he gets angry at our kids and makes me feel like I put our kids ahead of him. My life is busy and the kids, while some are grown and some are close to it, now, I still do what I can to make time to be with him. It’s a very challenging balance, but I keep working at it. I always will until they are all grown. One of our sons has really been targeted by my husband. He has ADD/ADHD and very strong-willed much like his parents. Father and son are so much alike. But, it is the father’s position to gently guide his son into adulthood. Sadly, there is not much in the way of gentleness in the handling of his son. How in the world do I patiently and lovingly deal with a husband who is so bitter and angry? My heart aches to have the sweet, loving man he once was. Thankfully, he is going into counseling in a few days. The whole family will be going eventually, but my husband knows it needs it start with him. Prayer is most of what I have right now. Patience is needed and very difficult at this juncture. I know if he lets God change him, since obviously no one else can, our marraige can heal. I truly believe that. Impossible is God’s starting point!
My husband has done all of the above at some point through our 18-yr marriage, which I continuously have forgiven him for. But recently he injured me on a different level. We live in a resort area, and due to the limited local job market within our fields, we work for the same employer (only employer in our area within each of our fields). It is a large company, so our paths rarely cross, and I feel very strongly about keeping my social status completely out of my professional life, to the point that only close colleagues know that we are a married couple. We are in completely different fields, and built our careers independently from each other. A few months ago, our paths at work crossed again as my husband attended a seminar I held for fellow leaders of the company, which has happened before. Thus time, during the Q&A session, without any warning he became so obnoxious and arrogant with me, interrupting me mid-sentence during my response that it was obvious, and even other participants felt uncomfortable. I handled the situation the best I could, and that night at dinner time I brought up the topic and said I was so hurt by how he treated me in front of colleagues. He became outraged and said how dare I speak to him like that. The following day happened to be my and my preteen son’s birthday. My son’s wish was to go to the city to get some special treats instead of the traditional cake. I asked my husband if he wanted to come, but still pouted over my ‘behavior’ from the night before, and didn’t join us. We came home that evening, and my husband was still pouting, and to this day he never acknowledged my birthday (he did acknowledge our son’s at least). This was about 3 months ago and have sat him down 3 times since to tell him how deeply this hurts me, and it was a total insult to injury. We don’t have family near by, and I don’t like to make a big deal out of my birthday, but within our nuclear family we have always made birthdays special. While he did squeeze out a “Sry” between his teeth, I was hoping we could make up for lost time, and make up for the lost celebration. I expressed this to him, but out of stubbornness I guess, he says it’s too late, the day is gone, and he thinks I would just give him a hard time if he celebrated me late. (I told him better late than never, but he said then it’s gonna be an awefully long year…)
I have a very hard time forgiving this time, as this situation injures me on deeper level than not having a card, cake and flowers (God forbid a present). I told him that to me this hurts because this sends the message that he doesn’t care about my feelings, he can treat me as he wishes without any consequences, and he doesn’t value or care about me. I am torn about how to handle this situation, because I don’t want this to be a precedent in the future. I feel like he just wants a free out of jail card without any adjustment on his end. He expects me to forgive him and just move on, but I am reluctant to do that for the fear of making a habit out of this.
Emily, it sounds like your husband is bitter for some reason. I am dealing with a bitter husband myself. It’s very difficult to be patient in these circumstances. My hubby has been bitter for pretty much our whole 22 years of marriage. It’s not me he is bitter against, but I get the brunt of it as do our children. The bitterness has progressively gotten worse. I know the source of it and why. All I can do is pray. Recently, there was a huge blow up in our home and our middle son left home for 3 days. I knew where he was and even helped him find a temporary place to stay while things calmed down. I have a great relationship with all of our kids. My hubby, though, has a very strained relationship with all 5 of us. I don’t think he even likes himself right now and on Monday night, he has his first appointment with a Christian counselor. I am hoping things will change. He realized he needed a counselor to help and made the appointment himself. So, I am praying hard that God will really begin to finally be able to get through. I want my loving husband back. In the meantime, prayer and patience are all I have. Both are difficult, but necessary to healing. I hope this helps.
Hmm it looks like your blog ate my first comment
(it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say,
I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well
am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new
to everything. Do you have any tips for rookie blog writers?
I’d definitely appreciate it.
Try this: https://ronedmondson.com/2012/02/7-ways-to-be-a-prolific-blogger.html
My husband and I have been married 40 years. 40 hard years … for me. For him, he is totally content, because I do everything for him, treat him well, give him what he wants, work to provide, etc. When he does something, I always compliment him, and brag on him. He never compliments me. He constantly tells me about other women he works with, and EVERYTHING about them. But he never says anything to me about me. I have a Masters Degree, very educated, very well established in the business world, etc., but the “low down” women is the ones he seems excited to talk about. This has hurt me so much. And I don’t understand. I do everything for him. The only thing I have EVER asked for was to FEEL LOVED. 40 years later … I’m still waiting.
Tam, I will have been married 20 years this fall. the first year, he treated me so poorly. He was almost disgusted by me. I kept trying and trying. a few years later, I asked him why he was so unhappy and nasty to me the first year. He actually said that at that time, he felt that “he could have done better than me”. After almost a decade of infertility treatments, IVF many times, 12 miscarriages, we adopted the most beautiful and perfect baby girl. I absolutely adore her. She is now a few years older and just celebrated her 9th birthday. He still resents me so much. I am literally out of ideas on how to help him become a happy man. I dont know what else to do. I don’t expect it to change but I don’t want to divorce. I don’t want that for my child. I know that 20 more years will bring exactly what you have, 40 years total.
I am so sorry. I will pray for you.
As I write this I’m sitting in my chair crying silently while my husband is laying on the couch playing a game on his phone without a care in the world, I am very close to leaving him but scared to death, I loathe him right now but am afraid when I’m not angry that leaving would have been a mistake, we’ve been together for 18 yrs, after 13yrs of not so great marriage I realized he was having an what started as an online affair with a women 15 hrs away, he drove there once slept with her felt guilty came home, I thought he had gone up north to visit family, he continued his hours and hours of phone talk with her when I wasn’t around, my gut said something wasent right, I looked at the phone bill one night and almost passed out from all the calls, he cried a little said they loved each other and I moved out the next day, I found an evil part of me in this process and broke in the house we once shared rubbed all his clothes down with poison ivy and left, she made him move her down here with him which lasted 2weeks, I still wanted him back I guess because I only thought of good times not bad, we started working on getting back together but any time I asked about the affair he would tell me it’s none of my business and storm out, I never forced him to want me and fight for me I just forgave, now 5 yrs later in writing this, I am torn, am I the bad guy I have a man who cleans, cooks works and so do I, but he probably doesn’t even know what color my eyes are, when we fight I’m miserable and he never misses a beat, if I try to talk to him about what’s bothering me he tells at me, we still have sex once a week, and time and day same place, I hate it, he accused me of going through his phone which he says he doesn’t care just don’t lie about it, I didn’t go through his phone, I’ve never had a compliment from him, I can’t go anywhere by myself, and if I want to buy something he says I hope you have money, though I work. He criticisis everything I do, calls me stupid won’t let me hold the remote and thinks about nothing but what’s for supper or renting movies, I hate it, he cuts me off if I boring him, but I’m scared to leave. Sorry this was so long
Hi Kimberley, big hugs to you. I’m not a marital expert by any means but it sounds like you are both living in a rut and resentment is growing on both sides, neither can live like this it’s really not healthy, mentally or physically. Have you tried to talk to him about how you feel, that you’re thinking of leaving the marriage, or if having a conversation is too difficult, even writing it down and show him and encourage him to do the same. Maybe try and arrange time away from home for you both to spend time together without everyday distractions and talk to each other, reminisce about how you met, why you become a couple in the first place, perhaps you can find something there to build things back up again if that’s what you both want but remember you’re not just a wife, you’re an independent person who used to go about things on your own with your own life and you can do it again if things don’t work out. I wish you all the best.
ive been married almost 10 years now and have one child my husband is very controlling person with a serious drinking problem . he cares only of his feelings mine dont matter. He calls me nasty names ,says hurtful things about my family , this happens alot . im the only one working and paying the bills . im constantly on edge because im afraid that i will say or do something that will set him off to were he is punching holes in the walls , kicking doors off hendges, breaking anything he can get his hands on .or damageing my only car i own . in his mind im sleeping around so he thinks i lie and im not to be trusted period . ive told him to leave several times which he wont .he tells me he doesnt have to leave . i try to be the bigger person alot of the times and walk away and ignore him when he is drunk and wanting to fight. But that makes him even more mad im at my limit .
I have been married 20 years now. He shows no affection, support, anything except contempt. I feel for you as I am there too. He talks over me, ignores me, NEVER helps financially (three kids) and tells me I am crazy if I try to talk things over. Now that we are empty nesters he used me SS# behind my back to pre qualify for mortgage loans and picked a house before I had even seen it! He doesnt notice me at all or give compliments or affection. I have been working in an extremely physical job (production housing and RV) and when I was injured (10 surgeries) I got no help at all financially or otherwise, not even a 50 cent card. I want to end this but am so afraid to have nothing. I have purchased every single item in our home and done all maintenance and decor without one penny from him. I am miserable and he thinks it is funny. I can no longer walk without leg braces due to otj injury and cant find a job and I am sinking financially and he will not help at all…
You need to find a lawyer ASAP. If you can’t afford one, sometimes there are counseling centers for women who are abused and maybe they can assist you. Try and find out what would happen if you left. I would especially mention that he used the SS#. He must have forged your signature which would have serious implications against him. He does not respect you and most likely is not in love with you. You deserve better!!! Do you have any friends or family to support you emotionally? They will help you get the strength you need to leave his sorry behind behind! I would also urge you to read these two books which helped me tremendously and are usually at the local library: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans, and “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. They explain in detail how abusers operate, how to handle it, and how to leave the situation safely. Best of luck to you!.
My husband and I have been married for 23 years and together 24 years. In the beginning of our marriage, I did everything for him. To me it was my job considering he provided for us and our child. I respected him and appreciated everything he did for our family until he started staying out many times half the night, not answering his phone, or just letting me know he was okay. It was then my feelings towards him began to change. I felt unappreciated as a wife and mother of his children. Our whole marriage he has always accused me of cheating even though I had now a son and daughter to care for, a home to care for, etc…
Verbal arguments started when he would eventually come home. He never wanted to discuss our marital problems. I was always the blame. It was always what he wants, what he thinks, and to be honest I felt like I was raising 3 children. Arguments over time became worse. It was just a repeating circle and he never wanted to discuss anything. It was always the same old, “that was yesterday, can’t you move on”. I mean it’s a little difficult when all you can hear and think about is everything he has just called you and said to you and he acted as though everything was perfect. I do feel like a horrible woman because I learned to stick up for myself, but not in a positive way. What words he dished out I was giving right back. Which only made him angrier. He lied to me for 10 years (an issue over another female) and I was finally told the truth after that many years of knowing inside and with proof it was true. Since then, my trust in anything he says to me is not there.
I felt like a burden and still do. I have moved out. I have left 3 times in the last 7 months, only to what I consider manipulated into coming back. Now if we get in an argument he tells me to leave and I tell him “if you don’t recall I have left many times”
He never held a job longer than a year and a half, never had to apply to jobs on his own, and goes back and forth jobs with people he knows. Now we barely talk and he wants me to move 3 hours away by his parents. We have moved with our children by his parents 3-4 times in the past, only for him to finally realize there is not work there. Then I was left there with our kids while he stayed weeks, a month at a time working in the area we had just moved from.
We have lost friends of 10 years because my husband was disrespectful to his friends wife with whom I was friends with. We bbq every weekend, got to see each other’s kids growing up and how can I not be hurt and embarrassed to say I’m married to a man who can not keep his mouth shut and doesn’t seem to know wrong from right. I feel I’ve lost everyone close to me because I loved him unconditionally as a person is supposed love. Our kids love him, but can’t be around him long, but will visit me while hes gone.
I know he has his own issues within himself. I’ve tried for a long time to help him. Everything I say, he thinks I’m arguing and as far as I’m concerned we may be married with children, but we are individuals with different opinions.
It’s getting tiring at 44 years old to still be going through this together. I feel as though my voice, my opinion does not matter. I have stopped trying. I work par-time and have considered living with my mom until I complete a Nurses Aid course in 4 -5 weeks. I have told my husband he can move 3 hours away but I will not do it again. I believe at this point he needs to do what makes him happy and so do I.
If anyone could offer any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
There is no solution to rude men. They will always be rude because they will always see themselves to be superior to women. It is not that men do not have talent or work hard… it is that they take pleasure in putting women down to feel on top. Mine left me at Walmart without telling me he was going home… we had both come in separate cars… nothing… just walked out of the store and left me there. When I came home he was kneeling down by the kitchen table laughing his head off and never did tell me who it was on the other end of the phone. He also constantly interrupts me when I speak… constantly seeking porn and sex chats… stares at other women all the time… but it is okay with me because he is ugly…inside and outside. So now I pretty much do not want to be around him much… suits me just fine. The day is calmer when he is busy with something else. He is always buying himself jewelry and anything costly he wants then goes to Walmart and buys a bunch of cheap carnations and really thinks he has put himself out.
If I were either of you two ladies, I would leave them so fast it’d make your head spin. I was married for 29 years to a verbal abuser. Left him and haven’t regretted it for one day. Not ONE day!!! These men DO NOT RESPECT YOU and are most likely not ‘in love’ with you. They may be incapable of that. If you can get to the library, look for these two books, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans, and “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. They will explain in detail what is going on in your relationships, the manipulation and abuse, and give constructive info on how to address it. You will be able to see very clearly what is going on and then be able to make a smart decision. You deserve better! Best of luck to you! (I guess I should mention that I don’t know these authors and am not selling them. They REALLY helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together in the time it took me to read the first book. I think every woman on the planet should read them. Forewarned is forearmed!)
Listen to “Boundaries” on youtube by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Hello, Tam, I know exactly how you feel. When my husband and I first married he was so attentive. But once we got settled and all seemed to be ok he changed. Now we have been married some 23 years and he changed. When we would go out he would hang out the window to pay the cashier (female) money for gas. Complimenting her and smiling. No smile for me no more compliments. Or when we go shopping he would talk about what he did in his past life. So I thought I would start talking about my past life and speaking to all the men we encountered and would you believe he no longer flirts in my presence. He is and has always been the main bill payer. He’s always insisted on being the money guy. I think because it gives him power. Now I must tell you that December 2010 was the last time we had sex. None since. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating but manage to be home when needed. I believe since he’s an only child and all parents are deceased, he likes having me around if nothing but to unlock the doors when he comes home. I have grown kids in another state and since I’ve become a grandmother I go down to visit a lot. Sometime 2 months at a time. I also have a dad in Florida who suffers from Dementia. Sometimes I go visit him for weeks at a time too. I’ve seen an attorney and was told not to leave home or husband at all. But I don’t understand that because he buys my airline tickets and insists on taking me to the airport. I figure if he wants to divorce me about being away from home I could also sue him for lack of affection. Anyway, I too live with a man that once loved me. I just wish I knew how to change his mind. Begging is not the way. I only show weakness and that is so not me. Good luck to all the great wives that stay married to these type men.
I’m sorry to tell you, but he will never change. He is manipulating and controlling you. What he is doing is working for him so why should he change? These two books changed my life: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans, and “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. They are usually at the local library. In one of them, I think, it says that the probability that he will change, and that’s through counseling, is close to none. That’s because abusers don’t value what normal people value which is other people. They value power. You respond to your husband like you would a normal person, but they are playing a game and you’re not even aware you’re being played. It was a shock to me after reading those books to realize my husband was not the kind of person I thought he was. I saw exactly what was going on and decided I’d had enough after 29 years. I no longer have a dark cloud hanging over my head. Life is too short. You deserve better!!! Wishing you the best of luck.
Don’t understand the lawyer thing. I’d see another one.
Master’s here too. Arent you tired of playing second fiddle? Sloppy seconds have got to go.
I have a question. Granted I’m not married, but my boyfriend feels like it’s okay to go out with friends and not tell me where he’s going, what time he’ll be home or even tell me with who sometimes. Then when I ask, he says I’m being overbearing and doesn’t think he should answer. I don’t believe he’s cheating or anything, but we live together and not knowing makes my mind uneasy and it’s such an easy solution to say hey here’s the game plan. And I feel like he should want to keep in touch and fill me in on the night before because otherwise I’ll start thinking he’s being too secretive. It hurts and I don’t know if he realizes it. How can I approach this situation. I’m serious about him and he claims to be serious as well. Am I crazy? Or justified in my curiosity?
I think you have a right to know, especially if you’re married. I don’t know obviously how seriously either of you takes the relationship. I assume serious since you’re asking these type questions. I might ask him sometime if he’d feel this same way if you were.
But, it may be a communication and expectation problem. He may hear it as intrusion or jealousy and you probably mean it as curiosity. Men and women see this differently. Men typically view our day in the segments in which we are in at the time. If I’m at work I think about work. If I’m with friends that’s what I’m thinking about. And, with my spouse I’m thinking about her. That’s an oversimplification, but hope you get the idea. Women are conscious of all their life often at the same time. You think about family while at work and with friends, etc. (you have a much more complex mind). He may not understand that when he’s with his friends you’re with him – at least in thoughts. Here’s a post where I talk some about my wife and I sharing calendars. https://ronedmondson.com/2016/12/7-simple-ideas-to-strengthen-your-marriage.html
Bottom line – you may just need to communicate more – and better.
You aren’t crazy at all! He is shopping while you are at home, for a back up.
I think, if you are living together, it’s just basic common decency. If you weren’t living together it would be a different story, but it’s normal to worry about them if they don’t come home at the usual time, and it’s inconsiderate of him to keep you in the dark. I would have a heart to heart and tell him how you feel. If he’s indifferent, I would take a good hard look at the relationship. I’m divorced and live with my sister. I do all the cooking and if she doesn’t tell me she’s going somewhere after work, I worry. I don’t know whether to eat or wait or what. It doesn’t matter if you are married or not. You’re a couple, not just roommates, and it’s just inconsiderate.
I would add “the ability to emotionally be there, for your wife”…unfortunately I have a husband that can’t seem to do this, he ether doesn’t know how, doesn’t want to put forth the effort or doesn’t realize how important it is…this is driving me away from him, this is causing me to seek from my girlfriends what I can’t seem to get from my husband. I can ss in this instance how this could lead to cheating…my husbands lucky that I am committed to my marriage and the covenant I made with him and God. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is to know that I am “being there for him” and to not have it reciprocated.
I know I’m several months on commenting but I had to take a chance because I was living the EXACT same life complete with stipulations…if I act a way he doesn’t like I get avoided..at times it felt as if I was exiled. It seemed that once i stopped doing the first thing that he didn’t like I was doing something else he didn’t care for. We have been married for 14 yrs and have 2 boys, 12 and 5. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world to feel incredibly lonely when your spouse is sitting right next to you. After so long of that I became uncomfortable in his presence more often than I care to admit. He would yell at me in front of others. He allowed on a few occasions for other men to speak disrespectfully to me. I was quickly losing respect for the man that I loved with my entire heart and it didn’t feel good.
You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT when you said you could see in this instance how it could lead to cheating.
I hope your situation has made a turn for the better since you posted!
My boyfriend of 2 years will completely ignore me on the rate occasions he takes me out he will buy others drinks with no bother to ask me if I need anything will leave me alone to go talk to other women he is on fb sending friend request to women tells them how amazing and stunning they look he may call me beautiful but says that to everyone hides his messages tells me how stupid I am and there’s nothing wrong with it can you tell me something
Wow! from a women’s point of view this is very accurate and true! thank you for writing this….I hope lots of men get the chance to read this and learn from it!
Wow, just read your article because I was talking to My husband when He thought that I interrupted him in the petty conversation that we were having about netflix freezing up, I tried to explain that I wasn’t being rude or didn’t mean for it to be taken that way. After about 10 minutes of not speaking and feeling like He wants Me to ask for permission to speak I left the room and wash dishes from breakfast that I cooked for all of US, He proceeds to get on internet to look up why he feels I am interrupting Him and it makes Me rude. First of all I love Myself yes Me and No I am not conceded, If you don’t love yourself how can you expect anyone else to? By loving Myself there are some things I will not tolerate weather it come from family or strangers, As for My little spat I can say I am sorry and move on, reading the comments below about Husbands demeaning their wives I have to say Ladies learn to Love Yourself if you wouldn’t tolerate the behavior from total strangers then don’t accept it from Your spouse this person is suppose to love and care for you not become a child wanting a Momma/ sex partner only that is not LOVE nor what marriage is, I am not encouraging giving up seek professional help if nothing else but let Your spouse know that You Love yourself first and will no longer be belittled or demeaned or ignored, God designed marriage as a partnership not so One could control the other, I love My husband and I am thankful that My problems are petty compared to these but Like I preach to My daughter and daughter in law LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!
I have not read all the posts, but skimmed the written article fairly carefully. I have a gripe which has not been mentioned in the article!
I was a husband for 28 years!
Why do men refer to the female they courted, chose to be their wife, married her and living with her and yet they refer in conversation with others as well as in writing to that dear lady as “the wife”!!!! Every time I hear or see that phrase it curdles my blood. I think it is extremely disrespectful.
Husbands, she has a name, use it.
Mr.Randall, I agree with all my heart! And I might add that I also hate when wives refer to their husbands in a similar fashion.
Thank you. Your post has helped me realize that I need and want a divorce. Tired of the abuse making me feel helpless and worthless. Anxiety /depression has become the norm. Maybe I will be alright by myself.
I really like this post. It really helped me a lot! Can’t wait to read more.
I read your post and it hit me hard me and my wife r having a very bad time right . I have been anything but a good husband I feel like crap everyday , but I wish I could take back everything wrong that I have done but I can’t . We both have filed for a divorce but we both have very mixed ematios about this we both still care for each other . And we r still sleeping in the same bed I am just lost . I am reading the Bible a lot and trying to be better and not rude and mean and I won’t stop trying because I need to be better . We have been talking a lot about the good and bad and both crying a lot just trying to find our shelfs again where we’re so much in love and I miss that a ton . Your post hit everything I have been doing wrong thank u but I still help some help I really don’t want to lose her at all .. again we both need help thank for
Did it work out?
I need help i been with my wife for 19 years and i keep lying to her i need to stop or she will divorce me
Through I agree with these, it also misses some big hurts. Like making a woman feel like she’s only a sex object (trying to look down her shirt or up her skirt), instead of helping with the kids saying that he needs his down time (even tho she works full time too) or making her feel like being a stay at home mom is easier then working, belittling her when she wants to go back to school or work. Some guys will see this but a lot don’t. These are things that have happened to my friends and I- things our husbands have done to us. Things that have hurt us and our marriages
I don’t feel like these are the top 7 ways my husband hurts me. Being irritable when I try to hand over the kids so I can take a break. And getting defensive and calling himself an asshole when I have rehearsed and measured out my tone to not be irritated before asking if he could do something to help me that he doesn’t normally do. Makes be feel like I should struggle through all on my own. And not being honest when I ask if something is ok but then getting mad later.
So, where do I start? This whole marriage has been an entire rollercoaster for me. Now, I’m left with a wall around my heart and sadness. As I read this list, I cried.
My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, together for 4. First, he would always compare me to his mother. That was so hurtful, I am not his mom! I am my own person. He still does. I will not do things the way his mother does or did. Second, when was pregnant with our daughter, he accused me of getting pregnant by an ex with whom I had dated before him when I went to visit family after dealing with his complete lack of respect or care for me. That was the entire pregnancy. I told him he could have a DNA test if that would help ease his suspicions, as I would never cheat. Even after everything, I never have. Daughter comes, he then proceeds to expect me to be able to manage everything alone, caring for a sick newborn! He would be so hateful or mean spirited if something wasn’t done. He now, as he has always, just leaves things for me to clean because I am a stay at home mom, even though we have a toddler now. He will leave tissues he blew his nose on, you name it. Always, he will say mean things like I’m stupid, or a dumbass, or something else that’s much too painful to say. I haven’t done anything for myself in almost 2 years, mainly because it’s “a waste of money ” to him. He complained about me using the table that he never eats at as a desk, because I am a student in college now as well as a mom of a toddler and needed a place where she couldn’t reach. So, I bought a desk that was $19 at Wal-Mart and he said I was blowing money. After asking for me to buy him this or that which is far more expensive and he always spends so much on himself, I usually buy our daughter everything. He doesn’t even care about my feelings and has told me so. My family is all the way across the country and he wants to bring his here (we love in California, my family lives in Alabama and his in North Carolina). I shared that while I like his family, I feel that it isn’t just to do my family like that and he tries to name everything my family ever did to me why his may have been just as bad or worse. Now, he randomly out of the blue tells me while we are watching tv that he has secrets he will never tell me and that he doesn’t care he hurt my feelings by saying something completely unnecessary! Now my mind is on overload. He always tunes me out and never considers me in anything! Don’t know what to do.
Leave him. The reason that men persist in being narcissistic, cruel, irresponsible jerks is because women put up with it. LEAVE. HIM.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34
I have been married for 34 years and have heard of a type of condition that happens to men as they age called “Irritable Male Syndrome.” This may be the reason my aging husband has become very harsh-speaking to me. I do all I can to turn the other cheek, as Jesus taught in the Bible. We are all sinners and we all need the love and grace of Jesus to help us in our marriages. I can relate to the emotional pain that women feel when their husbands are rude and inconsiderate to them, make them feel second rate, and talk down to them. I have this every day in my marriage. I just pray to Jesus and try to keep myself humble and hope that sometime soon my husband will love me again.
Everything is true, but what do we do about it. You’ve identified the problems we’ve been married so long but he’s treated me like this since day one. What do it do!!
I have a very good husband He treats my Mom and senior sister who both lives with us like Queens. Everyone gets porridge in the morning etc. Since he is now a senior citizen and drive school kids and does whatever he need to trying to contribute while I have a full time job as a senior manager. I have a demanding job a grumpy boss and 5 challenging staff. When I get home I just love to watch my ZEE world – indian soapies /series and he we dont have intimacy as he is a diabetic and well they seem to have a problem and I dont want him to use all kinds of stuff to help him along and I think as a woman I am understanding but I believe he is miserable that he is not the same man any longer so he talks down at me i diffrent ways always telling me about watching these soapies but then I could say what is more exciting ? or why dont you grant me this pleasure seeing that you cannot get intimate or even try to make me feel like a woman in different ways its unbelievable how rejected I feel yet its nothing compare to what some women might be going through . Instead of finding out out how to deal with this he is crushing me emotionally in a way that I feel deeply hurt and I guess he dont realize he is pushing me further away as I build a grudge and at a point to tell him to just go his way and I go mine and I am not looking for another man I love him very much …………Any tips ?
My husband tells me quickly how stupid I am. I am not stupid. I'm a good wife and mother, and I work very hard with a very good income. He is very moody and how he can react to the same thing can change from day to day. I live my life walking on egg shells…not knowing which man I have today.
I been with my husband for about 10 years and we have 2 kids. I am a stay at home mom so he works. He is in control of the finances. I told him I do plan on working because i have worked all my life. He gets angry when I say anything regarding it. We moved 15 hours from my family and friends so he could work at a better site. His parents lives where we are now. Every time he gets off he doesn’t talk to me or spends time with the kids. I ask him when can we have family time he will tell me you nag to much. I asked him if he is seeing someone else he would say no. I have poured my heart out to this man of how much I am alone and stressed. It’s like it doesn’t matter to him. He would go to the bar right after work without saying anything to me. It is hard because I don’t have anyone here. His phone is always attached to his hip. I am truly not happy with the way things are going with us. I talked to his mom but she completely sides with him. I don’t know what to do. So close to packing up and taking the kids and just leave.
Everything is so damn true..Very Nice Article.. every men should read and know it…
1 question about the last point:
My wife is suspicious and goes crazy and jealous even if i talk and chat to my cousin sisters , is it normal or out of way?
Are you in the wrong place. We are talking about how husbands injure their wives.
I have a big scare inside me and I do not who can I tell. But Iam so pleased that they are people out there who understand what women go through or feel. I woke up happy, get my self ready for work, when I was about to live home my husband passed a comment about my dress code. I live in a cold country, so I ware my jeans with dress that covers up to knees. To be honest the words that came out of his mouth made me feel as if I am his slave or prostitute.
I am married to an angry man who can be quite likable at church or out for that matter. He is a deacon in our church so I have only confided in a couple friends there, but none of them have seen him in action . We have been married 30 years but sometimes I want to just leave. He is a Jekyll or Hyde. I am either on a pedestal with him or down in the ditch! No counseling for him; he always says Jesus is his counselor.
He used to be a drug addict until he was 42 and grew up with a schizophrenic mother and alcoholic father; lots of baggage.
He doesn’t curse at me but carries on about the simplest slight that he has imagined that I did or if I got very sick, he will get so angry or even when I broke my wrist, he went berserk.
Well, just thought I would say there are men who do want to hurt their wives and really don’t care!
My husband continually disrespectful t me by continually looking at other women in my presence. Facebook has become his bestfriend because now he meets women online. The other day I found a distasteful picture of a woman he calls a friend, oh yes we argued. Although he thinks we have moved on from that day I still feel the hurt and I have a hard time trusting him.
My husband was set up with dating sight,. I found and brought it to his attention of course the lies fly all over the room. He became angry and you know what to me the rest of the day. well I saved all the info went into the sight and changed his photo to one when he was belligerently drunk and passed out. He had it as he was divorced. So I changed that to lying and have been married 37 years. The list went on and on I simply left it he got a hit from a woman who was shamming him for lying. they took him off the sight. But Recently I have caught him getting pictures of naked women on his phone I confronted him of course the lies went crazy everywhere. I got into our Gmail account and dismantled his phone not to be able to get Gmail on it. I know I sound vindictive but I simply don’t give a rat’s” at this point. So I have decided I am simply ware out and tired of being mistreated I deserve so much more and so do YOU. Sincerely Lori B
I was searching the Internet just to better myself and make myself a better man. I was wrong I never knew how bad I was tearing my wife down till I read this. I bout brought me to tears I looked at other women I tore her down I failed to show appreciation for my wife in the ways she would like to be shown so to all the women bring this article to your husband and let him read it himself and if he come to a understanding that he did somethings wrong that man loves you dearly we not perfect by any means but to make it work somebody has to swollow there pride and shit out stubbornness this was a blessing that I stubbled across this post
I grew up in a abusive relationship with my Mother who would degrade me in front of other people my whole life so I know what pain is. Sadly, my Mother was an alcoholic. At the time, I did not know that I was marrying an alcoholic when I met my husband. I stay upset all the time when he calls me the same horrible names as my Mother did. He tells me that I am stupid and will never amount to anything. I think mental abuse is worse than physical. He also tells me that I am nothing without him. How does a person go on with a normal life after such treatment. I do pray to God because I feel so alone inside. There are times when you start believing in the things you are told. I was grateful to find this site and to know that I am not alone!
The sad thing is that we repeat our childhood patterns subconsciously. His similarity to your mother is what attracted him to you in the first place. Get counseling.
I have swallowed my pride for hundreds of times and have forgiven at least that many. I have bagged, pleated, and cried the same to him nothing has worked.
37 years of my life down the toilet except the birth of our children. What’ s next I ask my self when you are beaten down to a pulp there is simply nothing left to bring up. I watched my own mother beaten, Tormented,and abused by my dad my whole up bringing. I am currently writing a book on this issue so other women may have a chance to get the hell out before it gets worse. She left him very sick and dying she stayed with him she said the reason was because she never had a father he had died right after she was born WOW nice reason right” My mother was a tiny woman 4′ ft. 11′ 100 pounds with clothing on. A sweet beautiful, honest, amazing mother. Anyway I cry all the time still even at my age thinking about it. Your a good man to admit your wrongs to your wife Bless you for that. I know we have to forgive But my husband has to be someone worth forgiving Take care sincerely Lori B
My husband puts his mother as #1 and if I say something about her I am wrong. We've been married 34 yrs and once we came back to his home town it has been this way, even when she's mean to me.
I feel so lost and if I try to talk to him he says I don't want to hear it.
any ideas?
I would consider writing him a letter. I wrote a post on how to do this.https://ronedmondson.com/2014/01/10-tips-on-writing-a-good-letter-when-a-letter-is-the-best-way-to-communicate.html
My heart breaks almost everyday,and i cry everyday.Nothing i ever do is right nothing i ever say is right. The way he speaks to me rips my soul apart. When we first met he use to tell me he hates to see me cry, and now hes the reason for it. Im emotionally drained i just dont know what to do anymore. He works i dont we have eight kids between us one together. I AM JUST TIRED 🙁
Praying for you.
Hi Jenny,, my name is Elodie,, your post really touched me because I am going through the same situation with my husband and I don’t have no body to talk too,, since he runs everybody from me even my family,, is it possible we can chat a little just to live out our hard moments we are going through ? I which you luck but its such a hard situation when your husbanx is acting so cruel and allways making you feel like a good for nothing and says everything is your fault.. I am tired too 🙁
😢I’m broken with the manner my husband relate to me and making me feel.he’s happy when am sad .he always talk down on me
I can relate with you and Jenny. :'(
Great post, I have been married to my husband for 3 years now and he is guilty of all of the above.
My husband on a daily basis will talk about other women and how gorgeous they are. Now I am a confident woman and not a jealous woman but I feel his behaviour is disrespect ful and hurtful.
I was reading this article as well as some of the comments; Which surprised me that most where women complaining about there husbands but nothing was said from there husband which there is always two side to a story. Not saying that us men can be not so sensitive, but remember lady’s and I’m not speaking for all men just the one who do work hard for there family and take time to try spending time with them all when he can. Now I’m going to explain to you women that we are men and men thank different than women, that’s why are body’s are different it how God created use to be different including are mind’s. Now saying that and again I am not speaking for everyone, us men ways of thinking is that we are providers not saying that the women don’t do there part because I’m sure they do. Again but men fell that when we work it show are love for are wife and yes we know you work also, but when we men get busy we sometimes only have one thing on are mind and thats work. No this I not a excuses but men like to hear how well they are working makes them feel as we men would say, “THE MAN” so after a while when the wife say hey you need to do this or do that more times than saying to the Husband I know you worked hard this week or today your such a hard worker you see what I’m doing women leading my way into asking not just coming out to ask and yes that can work both ways also women take in consideration that some times men hear this more from freinds and others, than there wife or kids so thats why sometimes so fast to help others than to help you. That and also they might be getting paid something which is another way to use for you husband and not money and lets be real most men only like a few things find out what it is and award them with that. But also take in consideration that some men do alot of physical work with their body and mind along with being in different weather which could really take the body down some may your man is sometime over worked and needs the rest. But was ever the case is the best way to do it is give it time and work it out not posting negative things about him on line with others with the same problem because messory loves company and I’m not a professional and nether are the people commenting because if they really cared about there husband they wouldn’t be on here talking nagtive about them they would ask for professional help or set down to talk it out with hubby. I sure if your husband saw some of the stuff y’all write to everyone to read thing would probably get alot worse. Plus it is like I said it is two sides to every story and I’m sure he would have something to say about you as well and you might just find the problem was you or it might help you understand him better but most of all it might just fix the problem all together or a least start. Well I said what my options where sorry if I offended anyone. Thanks for your time: The simple man
The simple man,
Everything you just wrote, applies to both spouses. It's a lesson that both spouses have to learn. Some husbands hate to be reminded of that. But it's just reality. Just recently learned in class about family health topics, where my professor, explained that husbands talk about wanting their wives to give them desire validation and exaltation, but why? Husbands tend to forget that so does their wife need validation and praise, He also explained and was reluctant to admit to the class, , that sometimes men get a 'big head" because they think they are doing something astonishing when they work outside of the home, but are not willing to stop for a minute to see all that his wife does, and that attitude leads to wifely frustration and disillusionment.
This instructor who is a man himself said he gets the need for balance. . He explained that at one point in this marriage, that he had lost sight of what a good marriage was and that his wife was working as hard as he was and that she didn't expect praises and compliments like men do, but she kept doing so much for him and his children and even for his mother popped in unexpectedly for visits ans still expected a lot from the wife. His wife was exhausted too, just like him, she was working outside of the home and in addition, healing and helping family members with their problems. He said that his wife was experiencing female issues too, and added problem that husbands do not have to go through, but still husbands complain. it took a bad argument between he and his wife and his wife later seeking separation, for him to recognize that he was not being understanding, while she was giving to him.
Marriage is hard on women just as much as it is hard on men. You made a snarky comment about a man likes only a few things and that you want women to find out what men want. Well, my snarky comment is, that a woman only wants a few things and men should find out what we want too, okay?
Yeah men and women are different and we don't want or desire the same things men want either. Respect that Women are not created like men. You have to accept that and cannot expect women to think like men and feel like men. It ain't happening, Lets just try to recognize what the other gender likes and needs and provide those things, but please do not expect wives to praise and compliment their husbands unless husbands are going to do the same thing.
Great post you spoke correctly it shouldn’t offend anyone change start with yourself
get out
My husband often makes fun of my mother. His mother would do that to me but I ignored as she is not an important person to me. But when my husband does that it hurts badly and if I tell him he fights with me.
For the last two years my husbands parents were both ill & then passed away. My husband when he wasn’t working took care of them and spent many hours on the phone with his sister. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient. But I think my husband is in such a habit of setting me aside for other people & things for the last 20 years I no longer feel any hope of being cared for. If I need help fixing anything in the house I know it’s hopeless to ask. If his friend or relative ask for help he does. For example I did major spring cleanup and asked him to help me with it & then go to the dump. (I can’t manage driving the truck). As months passed I would occasionally ask again. A year passed. In the meantime he helped a friend of his do some clean up. In fact he hauled over a truckload of recycling his friend needed to get rid of & left it for months in our yard until he got around to dumping it. His friend is single, able bodied grown man. But when he needed help my husband was there straightaway.
When hornets built a nest under our porch I kept asking for help but my husband didn’t pay attention until I was bitten several times.
Its basically these kind of things all the time. I asked him not pile stuff in our room because I wanted to keep at least one space in our house nice and relaxing. But he piles stuff. Bills, tools, papers.
My husband is a good man, well respected & hardworking but I can’t remember the last time we went on a date he initiated. Or the last time he fully listened to me. The point is I’m just kind of a side note to his life not really a meaningful part. Things that are important for us to tackle together just aren’t to him. When the closet door fell off I managed to fix it. On my own while he was making something for a friend. On my own. I feel like he leaves me on my own a lot. He doesn’t participate.
While he’s busy with life I’m still waiting. Waiting to see if I matter beyond sex and providing housecleaning.
I’ve tried to talk to him about but he half listens so then I get sad & depressed & he always says please don’t be like that.
I think i see this happening a lot for most of the women I know. I don’t think men see partnership as something you actually have to participate in. Wives are their partners because they have sex, kids, and a mortgage. But their not partner partners the way women long for.
I keep trying to except it. But I feel more and more like I’m not building a life with someone. I’m just on my own.
How do we fix our issues and try and not injure our loved one?
Awareness, communication and willingness to keep striving towards oneness. That's what makes a marriage better. Takes two parties though.
My husband hurts me more than anything. He keeps his phone on silent for when people call him I can’t hear it go off. When I asked him who is it he gets mad and says it’s none of my business. I barely even ask. He stays gone 24/7. I don’t get out of the house I look at four walls and all I ever hear but I was in jail for 6 months I deserve to get out. Hell I never ever get a chance to get out I stay in the house 24/7 taking care of our two girls. He’s always saying everything’s my fault all I think about is myself. He finally kisses me or touches me I just wish I knew what was going on in his head. He says he loves me but I’m starting to think it’s just saying that so he can have his girls around. But he hardly pays attention to them then.He Acts like he love me at certain points and then the rest of the days I’m no one. I love him and he says he loves me but I don’t know .
Wow this article could not come at a better time. I was starting to think I was going mad and imagining everything. Am going to send this to my husband right now xx
My husband hurts me a lot!! He's cold distant always a mean tone. Tells me I'm controlling when I ask about his day in detail. When I tell him I feel lonely and neglected he says "if you don't like who I am then leave" we have two toddlers agree 1 and 2. I'm a stay at home mom. I don't feel in my heart is going to get better to I hide my pain and tears and keep it together for my kids? Or do I find a job and leave?
my marriage is over even though we are still living in the same house. the most important thing i took away from this article is how my husband would repeatedly talk down to me or close his eyes while i was talking. my question is: if a wife tells him how this hurts her, why would he continue to do it for over 20 years?
I have been through it all…its to the point where he thinks a good day consists of us being in seperate rooms on our off days…..we dont do anything together… he cant have an adult conversation without yelling…its horrible….it have caused me to reach out to other men just for simple conversation….i have even considered divorce…..i hate being married to him….i know things could be a lot better with us but he wont open his eyes to see that im really unhappy.
Did i mention that he never wash my car or pump gas…i have to get my own oil changes done. But if i come home from my full time job and dont feel like cooking”its a problem”. He feels like a mans job is to bring home a paycheck and nothing else……
My husband tunes me out all the time. He can be watching t.v. and be so into the show he doesn't hear my talking OR I can say something to him and he "can't" hear because I "mumble." He has a hearing problem and doesn't want to deal with it.
So on point and exactly how I feel at the moment about everything 🙁 ! It honestly hurts me like he has no idea and I try so hard to make him happy yet I feel like I have to either beg him for things it hurts me so much not having anyone to talk to so that they won’t judge I wish he knew how much it hurts ! Every word on here is so true… I can no longer stop my tears from coming down and when I try to tell him he acts as if I’m the one that’s wrong.. Sometimes I feel like he no longer loves me which isn’t good I know but I try to do everything right for our child! All this pain I feel now it’s harder to smile I feel useless at times. He has no idea how much I love him but I also don’t want to continue to hurt
God I know exactly his you feel!! Your not alone sweetheart!
This was so on point! Plainly said and true. Thanks & I also read the other one on what women do as well. (Ouch!)
My husband makes me feel like I’m 2nd plate all the time! Every time on his days off he goes to church and forgets I exist! I don’t go nowhere because of his religion everything is a sin!! How the hell do I compete with Jesus?! I believe in God but not in institutionalized religion! SMH! I can’t take it no longer!
This article is as condescending as the behaviors it describes.
I do all of these things to my wife. That's how I ended up here on this article. I really need help. Pray for me. I feel like I married the wrong woman. Everything about her makes me angry or upset, and she continues to disappoint me daily. I try to love her as best I can but the damage has already been done.
I feel like you are my husband. I can see and feel his disappointment and disapproval of me every day. And I try to make him happy, but there’s nothing I can do that’s good enough for him. There is always something I’m doing wrong. Living in a loveless marriage ducks so bad. I know he doesnt love me anymore. It’s too late to fix.
my husband does every one of these. he tells me i'm worthless and have no value outside of cleaning house and having sex. we have 3 small kids. im not perfect and deal with some of the things you talk about in the wifes version of this. i wish he cared about me or loved me as much as he says he does.
My husband hurts me in many ways, he is so sensitive to anything I say or want to discuss that he then gets mad at me. He stonewalls me. He could ignore me for days. When I do something that offends him (which isn’t hard to do) he sweats the small stuff and chooses to make everything a big deal, and he lets me know! But he’s okay to do the things that piss him off, to me. Hypocrite
I don’t say anything until he gets mad at me for it. 1 example- his kids don’t attend my family’s events many times. I dont say anything. But my girls usually attend 90% of his family gatherings that we attend, but this last time they didn’t because one to and wanted to work on her church project (but she would’ve gone) I suggested that my eldest daughter NOT go because she was sick and asleep. Then my husband disinvited me and left. He’s been ignoring me since… He also got really mad that my daughter wanted to sit out in the foyer at church last Sunday. And kept bugging me about it, even after I had a talk with her. But then I said at least she was at church unlike his son who didn’t want to go and stayed at his cousins house. My husband gave him a crappy excuse and kept focusing I my daughter. I’m feeling helpless and hopeless. 4 years of this roller coaster
How about this. Systematically ignoring me when I speak to him so I have to call his name and then repeat everything. Making a mess as he goes along because literally EVERY wrapper, empty can, sock etc. just gets dumped right there. And for someone who basically just sits staring at a screen all day long, it’s a lot of mess. Not trying to make any money (just a kind of welfare). Not doing anything in the household except ‘cooking'(mostly microwave, deepfry or oven readymades) and ‘groceries'(only gets food and drinks, never checks anything else that needs buying like cleaning supplies). So not even an ashtray gets emptied when I don’t do it.
I figure out everything by myself. In the process he yells at me, works against me, demands the whole process go as he plans it, then leaves me to do the calling, searching, writing, finance dealing and afterwards when friends need advice on the subject, he uses all the knowledge I gained while getting the project done to ‘give advice about it’ to our friends (read:keeps repeating how he knows it out of his own experience, along with some pretty dumb and pointless advice). There is no talking to him as he gets aggressive – his way of disagreeing with me. I’ll tell him something I want done differently with the reasons why, in a calm manner, and will get cussed at. He never hits me though, although I have a hunch that’s just because he doesn’t want trouble with authorities. He does throw things, yell at me, threaten me, get really up close and intimidating, belittle me etc. Recently he made me say ‘Yes *** I’m a dumb b.tch’. There are no arguments between us. It’s just an almost daily thing where I’ve done something wrong and he calls me the stupidest piece of sh.t on earth. And without feeling sorry or apologizing, just a couple of hours later he says I love you and hugs me; as soon as I hug him back or display any affection, he’ll want to do it. And I never orgasmed even before him, so that’s not a thrill either.
I feel like a worthless human being and a bad wife. Also I feel like nobody respects me and I’m a pusharound. Maybe because before him, I only had abusive boyfriends, abusive parents and was bullied my whole life. Never had any friends. Ironically, friends I do have since I met him. Real friends. I just don’t want to tell them this because of respect for my husband. Therapy didn’t help my despair and depression. Hope you guys never end up like this.
*hugs* i am so sorry sweet heart! From one wife to another! E mail me any time if u want to talk!! Seriously!! [email protected] *hugs*
My husband hurt our relationship by not acknowledging special days and keeping them priority. He will make plans to do things with and for family. Example: On my birthday I wanted to spend time with him only, and he got upset because he wanted his son to come over that day. And for our First Year Anniversary he offered me to babysit for his daughter. Although we have plans to celebrate at a later date, I would like to not have to be tied down doing things that I don't agree with. Those days to me should still be kept secrete.
I agree with all of the items on the list. Husband and I have been married for 23 years. Seems to me the biggest issues seem to be with communication. I will express my needs and tell husband how his looking at women makes me feel but it never stops. I used to take it personally and was very hurt, felt rejected, unloved. I saw a man who was full of lust for every pair of legs that walked but had no interest in me. It seemed to me that he expected me to fill a role of housekeeper, cook and nanny taking care of everything around the house and with the kids while he sits on the computer and picks his nose. I eventually stopped talking to him about my needs as I was not being heard and little by little I emotionally separated myself from him. We have had counseling, I have suggested reading material but nothing has changed. I find his behavior quite selfish, then he gets angry with me when I don't want to jump in the sack with him. He just does not seem to get it at all. I am the problem in his eye and he just does his own thing. We ignore each other about half the time it seems.
Every man I have ever met thinks his wife is stupid, emotional, irrational, inferior, and impulsive. Mine is no exception. He talks over me, belittles my comments, treats me as if I am not his equal in any way, dismisses my feelings, ignores my requests and has this wonderful non-verbal way of being condescending and dismissive of everything I say and do. He also does not see my work as being of the same value as his. Anything he does, knows or says is automatically correct. Anything I do, know or say is automatically assumed to be incorrect. He sees me as being of absolutely no value i our relationship even though I am the one that brings home the paycheck, pays the bills, cooks, cleans, does all the shopping and all I see is his contempt – never gratitude for anything. He never apologizes for anything he might say or do and he expects me to always be the one that gives in whenever there is a disagreement.. Every man is this way, it seems. Why? What makes them think that women are just dirt under their feet?
That\’s not my marriage. Sorry yours is that way but I know countless marriages which aren\’t. Praying for you. You obviously have experienced great pain in yours.
mine treats me the same. always talking down about women and how we are the inferior species.
I have a very difficult and unfamiliar situation and don’t know where to go for help.
Background:
My husband and I are from the same town and we were great friends for about three years before we actually got together.
He joined the military two years before I did and he served five years… I am currently at the end of my fourth year of service and we have been married for two years now.
After finishing his military service, my husband came to live with me in Hawaii, where I am stationed. He originally intended to reenlist for another four years, but due to the draw-down in forces, he was involuntarily separated.
Now we are living together and he is working at a place that he isn’t very happy with. He only works there to contribute to bills and necessities while I finish my last year of obligated service.
I know that this makes him unhappy and I know that he is frustrated with where he is at in life (his dreams were to become a navy seal and I fully believe he had and STILL has what it takes to become one… This can attest to the kind of person he is)
Understanding his frustration, I continue to support him. I make just enough to cover our bills and small purchases. However, I find that I’m becoming more and more depressed and feeling like I am unappreciated or taken for granted. I have to ask him to tell me he loves me, I have to ask him to hug me, hold me, kiss me, show me any affection at all. It honestly tears me up inside and I do not want to make it a big deal and sound like I’m needy and whiny, but I feel like I’m running on fumes.
He recently added another woman on his Facebook account who years ago, had proven to be a wedge in our brand new relationship.
I am currently 25 weeks pregnant and I was outside bathing our very difficult, 100 lb German Shepherd ALONE until 10:30pm while he was inside laying on the bed with the AC running.
This began an argument because I have noticed he doesn’t try to ease my load being pregnant with our first child.
The argument ended with him leaving the room telling me he was done, wanted a divorce, that he had stopped loving me long ago, and that he doesn’t love me anymore.
I then discovered his renewed acquaintance with this woman from years ago and I confronted him about it.
He adds numerous females that he either doesn’t know personally, or he DOES know personally and has expressed interest in and I honestly don’t trust him or know what his thoughts or intentions are.
He came from a Christian family and I believed he had very strong morals, but recent actions have led me to question who he really is vs. Who I THOUGHT he was.
I do not believe in divorce, I still love him, I remain faithful to him in every possible way, I try my hardest to be a good wife, I even planned a great evening out for his birthday which is coming up in two days.
I try my absolute hardest to let him know without a doubt that I love him and that I MEANT what I said in those marriage vows, hoping and praying that he will love me the same.
I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me he wanted a divorce. His response was, “I don’t want a divorce, but I think it’s what’s best. You deserve better and you can get someone better than me. I’m not enough.”
I communicated to him clearly for what felt like the hundredth time that I don’t WANT anyone “better” and I don’t WANT anyone but him. I communicated to him clearly that all I need from him is:
1) for him to love me as a husband loves his wife and to SHOW me that he feels that love.
2) for him to not make me feel like I’m competing against other women for his attention.
Two mornings ago he woke up at 4am, kissed me and smiled at me, pulled my hand under his pillow and fell back asleep.
That moment was the HAPPIEST I’ve felt in MONTHS and I don’t understand why he doesn’t do those things when we’re together.
Like I said, I have to ask for his hand to hold. I have to ask him to wrap his arms around me when I lean on his chest and hug him. I have to practically beg for a small kiss.
That ONE sweet moment of affection at 4 in the morning made my entire world. That’s all I need from him. That’s ALL that will make him “enough” for me. Yet he wants a divorce because he thinks he “isn’t enough”
I am laying awake at 1am and have to be getting out of bed for work in four hours. I am 25 weeks pregnant and haven’t slept since yesterday.
I know the stress and depression is not good for my growing baby, but I just cannot hold myself together with my world falling to pieces.
I have talked him into going back to church, but I feel it hasn’t helped our situation. That was my last bit of hope for saving my marriage and I’m just completely lost with what to do.
I’m drained of love, I’m drained of energy, my hope is running on empty, and I’m heartbroken.
Alone on an island and everything I love most is slipping through my grasp.
I like to refer you to 1st Peter 5:8. "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you". I suggest you go for counselling or find someone you trust to confide in. In addition, Join a local bible believing church, so that you are not all alone. A local church is a good place to get support & friendship, and most importantly you will get the pastor to stand with you in prayer. My prayers are with you.
Hi Julie, how are you and your baby going? I don't think your situation is unfamiliar at all. I have the same situation as your now, so i can understand exactly how you feel. My husband and me just married in the middle of April, we love each other for 3 years. The love was so beautiful that i must think maybe our love is the most beautiful in the world and he is the best man i have never met. We passed a lot of difficult things, passed a half of the earth to be together. When i just come to US, he takecares of me very well since the clothes and vitamins, lotions,…. And i also very respect him and love him by all my heart. In early of June i went to New York to work for 2 and a half month. I was very difficult for me to leave him then but cause i wanna share the finance with him, i don't want him have to work hard and handle with everything alone. I thought he would understand and love me more. But after the trip, get back home i didn't stop get shocks. He likes a new person that i didn't know, he being cold, chilly and distance with me. I have to ask him to kiss me, to hold me, but even the kisses also different and i cannot feel the warm from him anymore. I am very scared of his chilly manners, and i even put my ego away to talk to him about many things, but it seems like he doesn't feel moving of my tears anymore. It is more than a month i couldn't rest myself. I am very frighten and stress, cause he did a lot of things make me shock, i couldn't fight with health and the thyroid problem come back. Now i have to get a treatment for it. But i don't feel like he must worry about i and still keep doing things for himself. He talks to a lot of his friends at work include the women. I saw the messages that he have fun talking to her, letting her know about his cold-flu, asking for her hair, they even sent pictures for each other. It tears me up. My heart pain so bad that i cannot sleep at night. I don't feel he happy when he is next to me anymore. I don't want what to do now. He is my life, i also promised God that in this life i just love only him and marry only him. But he doesn't know how much i love him and how much he hurting me now. He is carefree on my pain. I cannot last long with this stressful at all.
He says he loves his wife,wants to spend time with her and he doesn't want to hurt her. But he hardly has a response to when she is talking with him,he is rude to her when he says something to her, ignoring her, not going out of his way to spend time with her and when she tells him that he is being this way to her a lot more than him being nice,caring and loving. She tells him that it hurts when he is this way towards her,that it is wrong to be this way towards her and if he didn't want to hurt her in anyway,he would stop being this way towards her. He tells her that he has not been this way at anytime to her, that he is not treated her anything like she has said to him.(Does not ignore her, does go out of his way to be who her, is not rude to her,does respond when she is talking to him and does have conversations with her .) He says the reason he denies what she said he does to her,because he doesn't' want to argue with her. So he denies treating her this way, that he would never be this way towards her,that they get in quite a bit of arguments. She is tired of trying to explain to him how bad he is hurting her by being this way towards her,tired of arguing with him,she has gotten very depressed,cries quite a bit. He asks her what is wrong,like he has no feelings about or why she is hurt,crying and she is depressed. We have been married over 35 years,he never used to treat her anthing like this.I just don't know why he would treat her or would want to treat her this badly
Guys read everymans battlefield then you will understand. Women need to read it as well
What about when the disrespect is on purpose. I keep reading how most men don’t do this on purpose. But if that is true how did they manage not to do it before marriage and how do they manage not to do it to anyone else? What about when it is with full intent?!
Some examples of situations you might experience these 7 things would have really helped to solidify the points as they are very true IMO. Thanks.
Hi my name is daisy all tho I’m a female I related to this because. I offer feel like that’s how I’m being treated with my fiancée been a roaug 4years on and off but I stick it out cause I love him.
I believe that anytime you read an article there is either something you learn or not. You can relate or not. For those who can’t relate to this article, save your breathe and move on. Plenty of people need to hear this information because it’s still happening in the world. Both my partner and I are very intelligent, strong willed and opinionated people. We point these facts out to each other when we hurt each other whether intentional or not. I think this article serves as a great way to open conversation for couples who need to hear it from someone else. Since our egos can be quite sensitive. For myself, today, this is just confirmation. So before I blow steam at my partner, I need to remember that he may a victim of ignorance. This articles reminds me to find a clever way to communicate to my partner, so these things happen less often. Granted, I do feel lucky enough that he’s willing to look at our issues even if it’s not resolved immediately. For the women who have been hurt by their husbands actions or words… I ask that you find the courage to speak your truth to best of your ability and don’t give up on what you believe. It can be a big process to work through but I can promise your heart and nerves will be happy that you chose to stand in your truth. If you want change in your life, it must begin with you first. So if this article rings true to your heart, listen. Your Heart is asking you to stand up for it. I have found that for every time my heart breaks, it is mended by a deeper love. Because I chose not to allow ignorance to be the ruling emotion. Since my heart only wants to love, I must follow its lead. I try to find ways for love to be my center of attention rather than-what if or why me. I am the reason I am able to love. This article reminds me to love our imperfections. And work on the ones that need to change. Thank you for this post and allowing me to express myself.
I am so grateful for your comment.
Well this Information is really true and reality ,I honest one of the man failing in some of the area mentioned,especially Hurting her feeling without knowing and Considering her less over other women and sometimes in Actions while walking with her and sometimes in words telling her how other woman are smart than her,
Now the other things i want to say is on her side,there are weakness that she have that support us both to fail more on communicate Love proper in signs and Actions,she is short temper person and hard to forgive and forget ,again the worse part of her when she is hurt the answer is she will start cheating secretly by phone communication and other social Network like Facebook and what-ups messages just for her to feel that there are men out there can keep her company than me the husband and really my finally words is that some marriage is not easy to mend,,
I think this post belittles women in all senses of the word. It casts women as objects, housewives and nothing more. It fails to acknowledge that many women are independent, intelligent and leaders in their communities. This entire post is probably the BIGGEST way a husband injures his wife: by failing to acknowledge her intelligence, independence and ability to excel outside of being a wife and a mother.
How does this belittle woman or assume they are housewives. And what is so horrible about being “a housewife and nothing more”?! I am a housewife and it is hard work! I chose it and I am a damn good one! Maybe check.your feminist agenda to make sure you are not oppressing women your self by assuming if we are house wives that we are slaves with no.choice. It’s ludicrous and just as generalizing to assume housewife are unhappy and quite frankly, lesser women than those that are not. We work 4 times as many hours as the full.time career woman and raise the next generation of children that will, according to multiple university studies, be the most educated and compassionate adults in the nation. Like apples? How both those?
I agree with most of this. My one contention is that I don’t think a woman “feels more deeply” than a man. There is nothing more heartbreaking then seeing a man cry, and they do sometimes. I believe men and women become emotional over different things, and in different ways. But the truth is, everyone has a soul, and the soul transcends gender, hormones, and the body. The soul is where your emotions reside…it’s what governs your heart. And that is what makes a healthy marriage so special…two souls combined and co-habitating in harmony. I don’t have a perfect marriage, but my husband and I respect each other, we work together, and we love each other as equals because we are both adults, and both children of God.
I so understand these women my husband loves to cut me down with his words till I spend days crying. I live on eggshells trying to not upset him or set him off in any way but some time it is the easy I breath that does it. He is nice and loving in front of others but when we are in the car or at home I hear it loudly. It’s like I have to ask permission to do go or say any thing . And I know my opinion is wrong and do sent matter and he tells me iT all my fault. AND that one Day he’s leaving then I will be sorry and wondering why he left and he says just know it’s my fault for running him off with you disobedience .
It gets so bad sometimes I pray to God that I just die and he and the e kids will be better off.
No…you shouldn't pray that you die and he and the kids will be better off. If you're going to be treated like this, then you should pray that HE dies, so you can finally be free and you and your kids will be better off. I'm guessing that divorce is either something you don't want to think about or maybe you might be financially worse off if you divorce, so I understand that completely. I'm kind of in the same boat myself, but you should NEVER think that things would be better if YOU were to die. You didn't do anything wrong.
My husband makes fun of me. Treats me like a “child”, talks down on me, Screams, shouts and tells me to shut up.
When in-laws comes to visit us or we visit them…My husband, starts to disrespect me by shouting, gossiping and treats me as if I’m not there. He says I deserve to be shouted at..etc. He abuses me to make his mother and sister happy. My mother-in law and sister-in law hate me. They cause conflict between my husband and I.
Im going through this with mine also. My heart breaks for you I understand your pain . Praying for you
My husband disagrees with your post. He says as a Christian husband it is the mans job to correct and punish his wife in order to keep her in line. That is how a Christian man controls his household.
Well. I disagree. I believe in Ephesians 5:21
That is really sad. You are married to a chauvinist.
Oh dang! That’s abuse!
My husband will mock my laugh, even in front of other people. Sometimes hell mock what I say. I've told home a few times that this hurts my feelings and leads me to think he doesn't like the way I laugh or he just doesn't like me. I've started shutting down some in front of people, try not to laugh to much, always worried he'll moke what I say and people will think he is not a very kind husband, which I don't want them to think at all. this morning I told him again to please stop mocking me, it isn't nice. He said ok I won't do that anymore. I just didn't want to talk much after that, afraid he'll forget and hurt me again.he's been doing this for several months, not often, but enough to cause me to not speak too much.
Hmmm… I noticed on this article most men are owning up to their weaknesses and women are saying "yes that's right, and here's 3 more ways my husband makes me mad". On the women's article, men hardly responded at all, but women jumped right in with justification why they do the mean things they do, and blaming the men for it.
Could it be possible that, in general, women tend to 1) complain more, 2) accept responsibility less, 3) don't accept positive criticism, 4) justify their abusive behavior?
It certainly seems so, at least on this site.
I have to admit that I am guilty of all you just described. It’s not something I’m proud of, I’m actually ashamed of It. Why do i do it? I’m not sure. But I think there are a few things that (for me) are factors. I can get very defensive. I stay home with our three children, and we have no family nearby. My husband travels a lot, and when he is home he has little to do with me or our children. So, my tolerance for many things is low, and I end up feeling like my complaints are more valid, and that he is more responsible for many of our problems. I’m exasperated. I feel neglected, and I’m angry. As justified as I feel for reacting this way, I know that it’s not very likely it is all 100% his fault. But it’s hard for me to see where I’m in the wrong and accept fault when I feel like I’m constantly being hurt and isolated. Not saying it’s right, that’s just where I am, and I’m trying.
I think the reason there are more responses by women is because more women try to fix a marriage before giving up on it.
Very true. I have been married for 18 years and I always bring up counseling. I stuck around but am losing it now and so exhausted to keep trying.
Jack ass. Really? Grow up my man
I think husbands forget to CHERISH their wives as God called them to! They forget to each day treat them as they are the special ones they chose. If they remember this I don't think they can do all the things listed above if their hearts are right with God. When wives are treated like listed above, I think then they react by building a wall which then keeps them from nurturing the marriage. My husband does some of these things saying he is joking or he corrects me about something I'm saying in a group but does with a tone that is hurting me deep. Also jokes saying I talk to much so not wanting to but have stopped talking as much to him.
Thanks . These are good reminders.
My spouse is a great guy really he is but he does do something which really annoys me. When talking to others whom I am talking to, I may know them I may not, he tends to stick me in the conversation when I am not intended to me and says stuff about me which is supposed to be humous and the person he is talking to may think so but I dont because I can often overhear it ( and its not hard, he talks loud) I dont like being apart of his conversations just thrown in there. If you wish to be uplifting or telling them something postive fine, but I am not part of you humor to be all good with the person. Does that make me too sensitive. I especially do not like this when he does this with people in our work, we work together, people who I want my reputation and how I am seen to be correct. He knows how I feel, I hope he can adjust that because I do Not do that to him, he is not part of my attempts to be funny to people he may look up to.
'Gives a solution when all I am doing is letting off steam'
This one hurts me the most. I am perfectly capable of finding solutions to problems. Sometimes I just want to communicate how irritating something is or how much it affected me. After the communication is over and I have calmed down, I will obviously find a solution to it. I only want a listening ear sometimes and all he wants to do is suggest solutions, which I need absolutely no help in, as I know my job much better than he does. This hurts me because it suggests I am incapable of finding solutions in my own field of work.
I cured my husband of this by telling him up front, “I’m going to vent, I just need you to listen, nod appropriately and then give me a hug after. If I then want advice I will specifically ask for it afterwards”. His comment the first time was “That’s it? That’s all you want me to do?” I replied, “yes” and although he still needs the occasional reminder but is much improved
im a women and relate to all what you have said in this post..
and my husband is to proud to see the hurt hes cousin me, for that reason im at my breaking point and accually living on hopesits enoff i just want him to tell me the thruth or leave me alone because hes not the man i loved and still love and that hurts me alooooooootttttt…
so much that if i didnt have any children i would leave him in a heartbeat and leave evrything behind me and even the place he live in along with my family who is blinded with hes lying acts towards me..
I would add that taking business calls that are interrupting a conversation with your wife when you are supposedly "off work" makes your wife feel small and unimportant to you. Not to mention the fact that it is disrespectful. Give your wife your full attention when it is your time together.
My wife is so fat and gross, I can't stand looking at her! So many fat rolls hanging out. I simply take it as a sign that we are not suppose to reproduce. But, I love her so much! I will always do my best to take care of her and be a good husband! I guess a life of celibacy isn't so bad.
Hi rex, just curious to know why you are with your wife if she is ft and gross. You say you love her, then why do those things bother you?
The worst injury is to refuse your wife any affection, a compliment, no touching or sex for the 2 1/2 years that they have been married. The wife has told him how important it is to her. If husband is asked by the wife if they could make an appointment or make a plan for sex, he goes into a rage. He refuses to listen to the counselor. The husband likes to sleep alone and does not like to be touched. The husband knew how important affection was to the wife when they got married, but he always goes into a rage if mentioned. He thinks sex is not important. Help.
Posts like this make me feel so sad and heavy hearted. I feel bruised and broken. My husband and I were friends for years before we started a relationship together. Now I’m seeing a completely different side of him. I’ve never been the recipient of such name calling in my life. He doesn’t directly say “you are a bitch”…but he says “you are acting like a: bitch, asshole, cunt, spoiled princess, selfish brat, etc”. He’s called me stupid. We never argue over anything major. He can be really mean at times and then the nicest person ever at others (his mom even told me today that he is good at hurting feelings but you just have to get over it). He does have a history of depression issues.
He makes me feel like a child and I’m a 30 year old woman with a master’s degree. I grew up in a KIND, loving, supportive home. It makes me cry at the thought of my parents or older brother or family knowing what I’m going through…maybe I’m just crying for myself. I’m supposed to be strong. I had a failed marriage before and this time it was supposed to be different. There were signs of issues before we got married but I honestly believed in our friendship and I think that misled me. I can feel myself slipping away into depression and I don’t know how to fix it.
I know what you are passing thru and I am in the same boat. He offends me and then he apologize later. I left home and currently separated he is begging me to come back home but I won’t. This is domestic violence
You kick him in curb. Don’t put up with someone who abuses you. If it takes ten marriages to find a respectful man, then be it.
Or you show him watch up. Record him when he swears and play it during the time he is in good mood.
His old depression is not an excuse to sugar coat his bad behavior.
My husband does the same… vulgar name calling, followed by apologies. Have been working through this for 10 years and have not seen improvement. I am not looking forward to explaning to my 2 young girls why daddy calls me a cunt, and what that means. I will leave his ass before i have that conversation.
To this list I would add giving more love to anyone besides her. We want to captivate your whole heart and be so wanted by you that loving/serving/valuing others more hurts us…well, where it hurts. It bruises us. Whether it be a sister or mom, or in my home its a dog. We want to be first in your heart.
I loved the how wives hurt husbands post. Im guilty of all but one. Ugh. 🙁 so im surprised I didnt relate to this one as well. I feel like my love hurts me alot with curtness as you say, and I think you almost got to the point but i would add focus on speaking gently. Most women (who arent hardened by bitterness already) are “bruised” much easier than men. It only takes two or three seconds and not much thought to change an answer from “what” to “yes love” when she asks your attention. I say purpose to make your words and tone gentle could be added to that curtness point.
My husband just seems to nit pick and makes jokes about my housework in front of my mom and MIL. It really wears on you after a while. You start to really think it’s your identity to not be good at cooking and cleaning. I ask him not to do it. He sincerely apologizes then goes back to it seemingly by default to liven up the conversation. He’s not a bad person, but it just wears me down where I feel like I such at being a mom 🙁
Pretty much hit the nail on the head
Oh my god, I was crying while reading it.
Hello, me and my wife are on the verge of seperating. We have three children in our home, the two youngest being mine. I love my family dearly, but have been feeling anger I my wife. Which, in turn, makes me angry. I have been recently laid off, and my wife has been working and going to school full time, not leaving much for us. When she gets home its studying, and shes gone two to three days a week at school, then two away at work. I have been doing my best to help around the house assuming the role, washing clothes, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the youngest two. But she is now getting upset over the little things. She was getting the kids dressed and it started a fight. She is resentful and sarcastic towards me. I told her I wish she would spend more time with us, but it started a fight about her working so hard for us. I love her, but not sure if she feels the same anymore. She mocks me now, and says im moping when I truley am concerned about us. I am not perfect, and tend to persue things sometimes, but I just seems like when I talk to her in a non confrontational time, she uses it during a fight. I feel like when I share with her my feelings, she uses that as fuel. Thank you, I dont really have anyone to talk to, and feel so lost.
🙁 she needs a reality check, I’m gonna pray for you. She is probably stressed, emotional, exhausted, on edge and misses her kids and letting it get the best of her. Women are complicated and stuff can spiral out of control with lack of sleep and stress. Being laid off may have been the straw that broke the camel for her and suddenly she feels like her world is out of control and some how you are to blame. I’ll pray for you but try to seek out someone that is neutral, level headed, even experienced like a parent or aunt that can help y’all sort through this. It won’t be over night but she needs to get a grip on reality and take it a day at a time or even a minute at a time. So sorry you are going through this 🙁 try and watch Fireproof movie if you get a chance. It might help put things in perspective: and don’t forget to pray. It’ll get better, but you won’t be able to change her yourself.
Start by doing something sweet like a small box of chocolates or a flower and a hug.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Studies show physical touch reduces cortisol the stress hormone. Could be why you want to hold your kids and it makes you feel better. For some, having animals to cuddle helps them destress. For a woman, that hug could stop a melt down from happening.
Hi i think i am acting like your wife and while my husband is working he does a lott of what you do at times – yet he also doesnt talk to me or maybe my sarcasm makes him quiet – i dunno but i hate that he is not stronger than me and i dont feel protected. Or secure as is wife i need to check up on everything. I earn more so i spend more on our mutual expenses. He has not had 1 idea of his own in how long – takes no initiative nothing – i find his weakness at me so repulsive. We have 2 kids plus extra one mine. He is ok as a dad but just sits at home watching tv – whe he gets drunk he vents – scary. Funny too. I actually just want him to be who he really is and i know when he’s not which is 99% of the time he is with me. He 1st checks ot my mood before he does anything – I hate it he does stuff at the house thhinking i will like it but i hate it. He sulks he does not talk- i get us into great counselling we stop i ask if we shud go again he sd ok- he is passionate ab out nohing but sports. At night he comes to bed when im asleep or visa versa – we hardly touch he is afraid to even touch me. I think im toxic for him.
You are only thinking from your own point of view, not hers. She is stressed and over worked, and probably also worried about your loss of job. You need to support her as much as she needs to understand you. Take some time off and go someplace with the family. About a week away together where you bond and not think about paying bills should help you guys out.
I enjoyed your blog. Have any insights on remarriage? I have 2 children and he has 4. Our only problem is the children. His are all that matters to him especially the youngest she does and gets whatever she wants, and if I do anything for my children it’s an argument. This has caused me great animosity towards his child. What to do???
Counseling. Seriously. You must get on the same page now for the marriage to work. Praying for you.
Another way husbands can and do disrespect their wife and make them feel bad and unloved is to do more for their sister and basically ignore the wife to please his sister because she waves money in his face. My husband lets his sister control his life.
Yes. I would say that would do it very much so
A great post without religious nonsense. Thank God!!!
I will pray for you
You have written it beautifully. I totally agree with you since I am also a wife and I know how does it feel to be treated like that by your husband.
Both articles are applicable to both husband and wife: actually applicable in general.
Is this spam?
What about commenting about her "duties as a wife"…even if it is "just a joke" and the husband is "just teasing" because he likes to rile her up because he thinks she is "cute" when she is mad/frustrated. Women don't mind doing things for their spouse or loved ones like cleaning the house, doing the dishes, washing the laundry or more importantly having sex…until they start feeling unappreciated and like those duties are expected of them. After a while the joking/teasing starts making her feel like he really thinks those duties are her sole purpose in life. Joking and teasing maybe funny the first couple of times, but it honestly wears on a person's nerves after a while and makes a person feel horrible and resentful. It doesn't help matters either when the man rarely ever (if at all) helps with cleaning the house, doing the dishes, washing the laundry and often asks her if he has any clean clothes for work the next day or where something is located as if he has never even lived in the house at all. Also it is just blatantly rude and disrespectful to leave your trash, dirty dishes or dirty clothes laying around the house for her to pick them up on a daily basis like she is your servant. You want her to treat you right and for her to bitch less then treat her right by helping her out more often and for God-sake pick up after yourselves when you make a mess.
Additionally you men need to stop expecting sex from women when your relationship lacks any ounce of romance anymore. FYI – A nice sweet hug without man-handling her is romantic! A sweet kiss on the forehead, cheek, nose, or mouth is romantic. A whisper in her ear of terms of endearment like I love you, I want to love you forever, you make my life complete, you are beautiful, etc. are romantic gestures/sayings. NOT smacking her on the ass and saying stupid piggish remarks like some douche-bag in a bar or grabbing/grazing her boobs as many chances as you can get. And saying weird-ass shit like I want to slap your ass, put butter your butt, poke you in the ear or even weirder sayings. Seriously, if you didn't do or say the things to her in the beginning when you first won her heart then saying and doing them now when she is your wife (higher status) isn't gonna make her melt into a loving pile of mush that bends at your will.
If you feel like you are losing connection with her then actually take the time to do things with her that are actually romantic…picnics, date nights, flowers, romantic movies at home, etc. Don't have the money? Then leave her sweet love notes, poems, a recording of songs that make you think of her, or call/text her during the day just to say you love her and miss her. Just tell her how much she means to you!!! If she is the kind of woman who only expects expensive gifts from you then you might want to rethink your relationship anyway.
This is what my husband needs to see.
Wow! Amazing Article! I think this really great content. These are obvious to women, but sometimes these are not obvious to us as men. I have a community website for Dads. This type of information is extremely valuable. Thanks for sharing it.
-Larry Hagner, Founder of the Good Dad Project
Thank you.
Something my husband does that I don't really see in the 7 above is he takes everyone else's opinion over mind. Example I got a set of hot rollers for my hair the instructions, which were already thrown away, stated to heat them with the lid closed. So everyday before getting in the shower I would turn them on with the lid shut. Come out and the lid is open "you shouldn't have the lid shut when these are heating up". This went on forever, till I finally gave up and just left the lid open. My daughter came up to the bedroom to ask my husband something. She shut the lid and said "I have a set just like these and you're supposed to close the lid". When I come out of the shower he promptly tells me I have been using them wrong, the lid is supposed to closed. Really? Act's like he has no memory of the recuses ions before, maybe he doesn't, but I do! It makes me mad that I told him over and over and I still didn't know what I was talking about. She said it one time and her word is golden. That's just one example. Happen's all the time!
Discussions not whatever that is lol.
I didn't only read this but also printed a copy as a daily reminder because I'm guilty of all but one.
Thanks for the post.
I felt a great deal of compassion when I read the post about wives injuring husbands and felt thankful for the insight (I am a wife), especially since men so often have trouble communicating their emotions. However, this post seems to give less insight into the woman's heart than it simply points to a group of dehumanizing behaviors devised to keep dominant figures in their position. Some of these may be relationally hurtful at best, but many are outright abusive at worst. Less subtle forms are serial affairs, harmful words, physical threats/restrains/batteries. These are not "women's feelings" (except #3) (men expect to be valued for the work they do, respected in word and deed, safe from betrayal), rather these are "minority" feelings. If a man is doing this list to his wife and does not know it, then I would think they both need an education in equality, respect, power/control, boundaries, and dignity. A man of character will reject these behaviors when they are exposed for what they are. But the womanizer/abuser/controller will not be prevailed upon by a blog appealing to his compassion for the feelings of the weaker vessel.
Ephesians 4:31 and 32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
The apostle Paul, although single, sure knew how to give good marriage and family counsel.
With over 46 years of marriage under my belt (plus, we met in Mrs. Dunagan’s 3rd grade classroom at South Elementary School in Midland TX, so we’ve known each other a long time) and now in our 42nd year of ministry, I figure I have some skin in the marriage game and can analyze a few things that may not be apparent to others.
My heart goes out to this young lady, because I fear she has just experienced what may prove to be a fatal flaw in her fiance. I read her reply three times, the 2nd and 3rd times trying to sharpen my sensitivity to find anything to offend, but found absolutely nothing that could be twisted or otherwise interpreted as worthy of offense.
She even wrote that she “told him I had read the other article for wives so I wanted him to read this one.” I cannot fathom that any man of upright and honorable character would misinterpret her note.
While I think Ron ‘s advice is well-liked and perhaps even helpful, it bothers me deeply. This relationship is starting off with a wife apologizing for something which was perfectly understandable in both intention and word. Methinks the apology belongs on the tongue of a young man who should be grateful he is engaged to a young woman who is anticipating potential problem areas before them and is taking reasonable efforts to avoid conflict between them.
I simply don't understand how a man could not know he was talking down to his wife or being condescending or speak as though his wife was beneath his contempt. How could that be? How is his wife supposed to deal with that? How could a spouse ever believe their husband really loves them when they are being treated badly? The amount of anger would be tremendous and the stress level off the charts. That person would certainly find living each day extremely difficult, if not impossible. Performing even the most mundane tasks would become excruciatingly painful. Intimacy would be difficult to say the least. Who would want their husband to touch them under those circumstances? Living a life like that would be exhausting almost to the point of death.
My (now-ex) husband was VERY insecure, and he thought it was funny to TELL me, "Wow! Did you see the (anatomy) on that woman! etc., etc., etc." or (my favorite and spoken with jealousy), "How did someone who looks like HIM get such a gorgeous wife? What's he got that I haven't?" No matter how often I asked him to stop doing that, he continued, and defended his actions by saying he was just having a little fun. Well, if I had had a men's magazine model's figure, I MIGHT have been able to confidently laugh off these comments, but I knew I could never measure up to his fantasies. There were many other issues, from both of us, that we never resolved and finally divorced after many painful years. But "wounded" is a great word to cover the hurt inflicted. Some of these wounds won't be healed until Eternity.
I believe this true for any relationship. If we think or admire a person enough to share our precious time with; then, we should appreciated each other with love, kindness and respect.
I read both articles and have to say I think they are both on point. As some readers have mentioned, some points may deserve to be on both lists. The truth is neither of these lists are exhaustive and are both simply a view if one(two) persons ‘top 7.’ It’s a little irritating to read some of the comments that ‘read more into the text than is written.’. The examples given are simply that, examples, which, in their very nature are insufficient to explain the infinite situations out there. It is also more than irritating (although not unusual given our ‘blame someone else’ nature) that one person would ‘forward’ the article as a ‘hint’ or whatever, and not one (that I read) took the approach of … “honey, I read this article about how *I* possibly hurt *YOUR feelings* (provide link and leave it to them to read the self-applying article) – is this true? Which one do you feel most often? Can you give me an example? I’ll try and work on #X and #Y. The only way we’re likely to change another person is by changing the way we react or the way we treat them. Just my 2¢.
Good word. Thank you.
My wife sent me this as a "hint". Just after that she reprimanded me while standing in line at a restaurant, for what she felt was my inappropriate behavior. She did this in front of her son and definitely loud enough for others to hear. Then she reprimanded me again at the table in front of her son. If I were to have read this post or discovered this by myself, my reaction would have been different. Instead, I read it and scoffed, and then went and found "7 ways a wife hurts her husband". I might have done a tit-for-tat to get my point across, but the counterpoints for wives didn't even come close to justification.
I just cried – thank you!
When men say they give you a place to live when both work and pay the bills. Thats usually the first thing he brings up if I say my needs arent being met. Or if I tell him I dont feel appreciated.
I think both of these posts should be combined and renamed, "ways a person can injure their spouse without knowing it, " because all of these things can hurt both ways. For instance, I'm sure a husband would be just as hurt if his wife corrected him every time he spoke. Yes, I have seen that happen a lot.
One thing men need to remember is that many of the 'things' in a marriage are both of theirs. For instance, our house. When he says, my house or my car, when OUR money bought those things, I get irritated. That is a small thing that I need to work on, but it has bothered me for 35 years of marriage and he still does it. Guess this one might be both our problems, but mostly mine. Also, someone else mentioned giving something to your wife. One little flower for no reason at all, makes a world of difference.
Forward this to my husband? No way. He couldn't deal with it. He rather hurt me in ignorance. As for being a defender, he is not. I've learned to defend myself. Yes by putting up a brick wall around my heart. I long for a better marriage and I 've been doing all the work and he reaps the benefits. Yes, I believe God can work in our marriage, I just don't believe my husband can.
I would like to start with, ive been married for 31 1/2 yrs n I’m just too tired to even try explain my marriage,but I’ll give it a try, I will say this I just about related to all the post I’ve read on here n now I know I’m not the only one with issues, I like everything I’ve read on Ron Edmondson site, ive also have read over 21 books on how to have a better marriage but sad to say it’s takes 2 to make a marriage work n my spouse isn’t interested in any books I’ve come across so theirs lays one of our problems he won’t even try ! So I’ve stopped trying come on I’m only human after 31yrs plus! One of my favorite books is the 5 love languages of love n when I was done with it I try explaining it to him how we all have a different love language n in order to express a deeper love an individual needs to learn their spouse love language, n learn how to give that love to the spouse n not how we perceive it but how our spouse perceives it n what happen he totally shut me out! We have no communication at all no showing of affection,I feel he thinks sex is affection like maybe once a month, im like come on theirs more to affection then just sex n I’ve come to the point to say sorry u r over drawn nothing to withdrawal, we’re not best friends n i can relate to the posting when my spouse walks in front of me or how about totally disappears how can we even be together as a couple when he goes one way n I another I’m not saying stick to me like glue but every single time really talking about feeling rejected n lonely!
N now I’ve come to a point that I don’t want him near me when we r out doing whatever! N as for good memories out weighing the bad ones let me say this I don’t even want to go back into my memories I’ve done that n it seems like the bad ones out weigh the good memories n it just stirs up problems so I try n not go their any more! I’ve been broken so many times n I’ve lost pieces of my heart so it’s just best, if I keep it to myself! He doesn’t want to make it better for when I try he shuts me out why I’m not sure! N How will I know if he doesn’t want to communcate, he say he loves me n thats enough for him, but that doesn’t fix the issues in our marriage,ive read men never change yes they can thats b..l c..p! That’s just an excuse not to change! Anyway ive come to accept as it is, It’s his turn im done,I’ve read n prayed yes I’ve prayed but I’m only human!
My husband literally does none of these things. He's not perfect, and I'm certainly not perfect, but these things are right in our marriage. On the days when it seems like everything is wrong, I'll try to come back to this list and remember that there are many good things between us that outweigh the bad.
my most painful injury- when I ask him to do something for me which I cannot do myself physically- most especially home repair work and three years later the work is still not done- (repair of wall in kitchen or repair of half bath so it functions) This behavior tells me my priorities are no where on his list of priorities. He "tells" me he loves me every day. He hugs me- whatever- …. He neglects our home and dismisses my desire to have a home which is not falling down around my ears.
I can understand how u feel by asking ur husband 2 do stuff around the house….I deal wit same exact prob…..but I go further…I hve stopped doin exactly wat I shud b fully…its hard due 2 medical reasons but I cud push self & do them…I dnt c reason y I shud tho….it goes also as far as the bedroom…we only bn married goin on 3 months (we ain’t 20 again but we ain’t 90 either if u c wat I mean) well he holds tht away also….I will do nethang n the world 4 him as he me where meds r buy me sumthan r us go out 2 eat but spend time 2gether 1 on 1 no TV r cell phones…I wish u luck & god bless u…..
I think this post and the other post should be consolidated and called ‘Ways we may injure our spouse… and not even know it’. I don’t really feel that in either post the points had to be gender specific and people reading this should review both instead of one or the other. Great points all around though.
I would send him what you just sent me and apologize, asking for his forgiveness. On my blog ronedmondson.com I just wrote how to write that kind of letter. In this case you can email. If he can't accept the aololgy, which I'm sure he will, I'd be concerned. Marriage is full of times where our intentions are misunderstood.
While I am married, I’m as independent feminist as they come. I am educated, work outside the home, and have three boys (#4 due any day). I found no offense to this. If anything, I’m reminded how easily offended women get and how much we read into something that was never said. He can’t possibly list the million things we claim to do as women. He merely listed a small amount of things he does appreciate about his wife. If we want men to stop wanting moms, maids, and mistresses then we need to start treating them with the same respect we’d like in return and quit talking to them like we are their moms. I have worked hard for my education and place in the workforce as a woman, but I value companionship and family. Let’s learn to be educated hard working women and appreciate that there are still men out there, like this one, who think about how they injure women and want to better themselves. I’m guilty of injuring my husband emotionally, probably more than he injures me, because I am a feminist. We’re all guilty of doing it to each other. Thank you for your honest post by the way.
You're awesome. Thanks.
I always give in to my boyfriend. Don’t want to fight. When I say something or remember things or whatever he rolls his eyes. When I tell him to stop he gets this high pitch whin. I didn’t roll my eyes. It makes me feel like a nuance and a pain for him. That I’m to much trouble or again a pain in his butt. I hate it and tired if feeling like that. It’s demeaning to me. Makes me feel less of a person.
Glad this helped some people. Honestly. BUT, I have to agree with the previous commentor about this being offensive towards women. Especially women who work outside the home. As a nurse, I have a much more demanding job (mentally, physically, and schedule wise) than my husband. I’m responsible for all household chores as well as taking care of the children’s needs. I love and respect my husband. He would agree that I’m NOT easily offended. BUT, you have “hurt” myself and many others without even knowing it. I feel like my role as a wife and mother was belittled by you. We do much more that iron, wash dishes, and buy soap. You might want to rethink your words next time.
I am sorry you were offended. Honestly, I think you're reading into something that's not there, but I do understand. If you've read any of the comments, I've explained that my wife too is a professional, working as an accountant outside the home. We share roles in the home. I think all marriages should. I do hope you want allow one line, that obviously was misinterpreted from my original intent (whether or not you believe that) keep you from the principles within the overall post.
I have read both posts. I believe that after 12 years of marriage my husband and I have been guilty of almost everything listed between the two articles. I did, however, notice that we were both guilty of things from both lists. I do not think the lists should have been so gender specific. I have to say that we have been fortunate enough to work through most of our differences on our own, but these articles are real eye-openers and will give us something to think about! Thanks for that!
very true
I would like to add the three M’s. Don’t make us feel like your MOM and a MAID and expect us to automatically turn into your MISTRESS!
It definitely hurts when you feel unapraciated for the little thoughtful gestures we do for our mate . It’s almost like it’s expected of us but I’ve often witnessed it go unoticed .
Wait, really? "Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean…or that you have your favorite soap" is that really all that wives do? Yeah, last time I checked, although I am not married, I am a woman studying to be an ER/Trauma doctor, and I am most certainly not the only woman who does things that are comparable. Guess what? We women are capable of a lot more than being barefoot and pregnant, and it deeply troubles me that A.) people still perpetuate the idea that we must be housewives and B.) there are women who AREN'T offended by how demeaning this is. If this is marriage, I want no part of it.
Sorry you are so easily offended. Actually, my wife is much smarter and more capable than me. I think I actually said that in the post. But, those are a few things she does do that make our house more livable. I happen to do all the cooking. So we balance each other pretty well I think. But, in those things she does she wants to be appreciated and even more than that appreciated for who she is more than what she does. Which was kind of the point I tried to make. Again. Sorry to offend.
I'm a woman and found no offense to this post. His point was that women want to be appreciated for the little things they do to make their husbands happy. Little things, such as buying his favorite soap…. I would hope you get your attitude in check BEFORE you do get married 🙁 Thank you for the post. I especially enjoyed your wife post. My husband and I have went through a lot these past few years, financially and with a sick child and have grown so much closer to God and each other through it all. The little things that we each do for each other mean a lot. He just called to tell me how much enjoyed dinner tonight. I'm not just a housewife to him, but his best friend and I am madly in love with him 🙂
Keeping a house is a complicated, difficult job. Working in an ER is a complicated, difficult job. Let's not undo decades of feminist work by demeaning each other and our different choices.
I am 26, have been married for 7 years.. We recently split and between the two blogs about the husband and wife you couldn’t have hit on more perfect. I hope when people read these they have an open mind.. We were both hurt and now confused, but only time will tell where we end up. Thank you for this blog!
Thank you. Praying for you.
Reading this has been bittersweet for me. I found it all to have occurred in my marriage. I’m divorced for over a year now, and I’m trying to find all the help I can to ensure that Ihave fixed the parts of me that were wrong in my first marriage before beginning anything else. Thank you for this good word. I also read the other post and got good information from that as well.
If you want to have a Proverbs 31 woman you’d better be a specimen of 1Timothy 3!
Thank you Stephen. God bless you.
How about not defending her to his family? Letting a sibling or a family member interfere with how she runs the house and raises the kids? Letting this same sibling/family member disrespect her by telling her she does nothing with the house and children without so much as a "That's my wife! You're not going to talk to her that way!" Or spending money ($100 or more) on an item for this sibling without discussing it with his wife?
I know how that goes…it's even worse when the wife is trying to correct a misbehaving child, and the husband says that she's "nagging"! And runs down his wife to their kids!
Heck yeah!!! I work in a factory 12 hour shifts, a 5 year old, do everything I can, and still have a mother in law who complained during my daughters birthday party about a sticky spot on the kitchen floor, the finger prints on the fridge, and her room having toys everywhere, then started cleaning. He just stood there. Its a constant complaint with her anytime she comes over never clean enough. Yes I have told her I do what I can and have not been lucky enough to afford to stay home. He says just ignore her.
After reading, and rereading this, I can only agree! Having been married for 48 yrs., raised 3 sons, endured mutual infidelity, monetary shortages, etc. etc…and still in love with the same fabulous lady!
I have been married for over 20 years, the 7 ways are true and they hurt the women and we should be respectful to watch for them. However lets not forget how mean and hateful women can be too. As a marriage is a foundation built by 2 people not just one. Some days you give equally 50/50, others 60/40, 70/30 or maybe 90/10. Both men and women have needs and they both should be respected equally. The give and take never ends, and good deeds never forgotten. When you do great things you should not always expect a compliment but be thankful you were given the opportunity to do something special. For the gift of giving should not expect return. Above all one should learn how to forgive, as we are not perfect and should be expected to make mistakes. Love is a gift men should treat your wives with great respect but so should women!
I wrote two posts. Make sure you read both.
So true!!!!!
Thanks for these strong points cause this was me who you where talking about. I needed that in yes I have to email my wife and thank her for the message I got from this email she sent me.
Sad but true im sorry to my wife i fill like such an asshole now thanks .
Me too
So…… exactly how is this specific to wives only?
Me too
Like this
What if your spouse just won’t talk to ypu at all. As I read the article, I found myself thinking, alot of these could go both ways. Sometimes men and women, in general, tend to take communication forgranted. One may think the other “Just knows” what they are sayin. How do we keep from hurting one another, if we keep thinking we are mind readers.
There are some men who really do look down on their wives, even while having a charming/gallant image. I'd tried hard to be a good wife and stayed 3 decades trying and trying to communicate with him. When we separated he told me that he felt "shortchanged in the wife department" and that he never noticed all the efforts I was making to try and be a good wife. So , I guess what I'm saying is, most men might do some of these things by accident, but there are those who do them because they really do think their wife is not good enough. I've since learned that some abuse is emotional (not physical)…that was not something I was prepared for so for years I assumed (as this article does) that he was doing these things accidentally.
I can’t seem to get my husband to communicate with me about my feelings and how he hurts me and he even does the things that are supposed to make men hurt to me (like correcting things after I do them ect pretty much everything on the list) I try to overcompensate by making sure he feels super valued but all that seems to have gotten me is an over confident over egotistical man. He now thinks he is the greatest husband and father who has ever existed and I feel like I am just a second class fat unloved nothing that’s just here to please his ever whim. My spirit is so crushed that most days I dread the moment he walks through the door. His bashing of my body has made me develop an eating disorder. I’m depressed and tired and all I can think about is how much longer can I go through this? I know we need counseling but he will absolutely NOT even consider it and if I went and he found out (which is likely because he controls the money) he would think I just had a mental problem and hate me even more. He calls me weak and fat in front of the children. Says I never do enough, well enough. Says I “always” or “never” and the times I do make him happy he says “finally you did something right” I could go on. The worst part is he doesn’t even know he is doing this. When I get upset he thinks there must be something wrong with me. He is a hard working and caring individual and a good man but he just no longer values me as a wife/partner and I am just the woman that does his bidding. Unfortunately his mom was a child bride so he thinks how he treats me is perfectly acceptable because it’s what he grew up seeing his dad do (rest his soul) 🙁 thank you for your article and I just feel so disheartened because I don’t know how to get these things through to him and it makes me want to make sure I work harder as a wife to make sure I don’t do any of these things to him as well. 🙂
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. What I've found to be helpful when he makes an inflammatory/hurtful remark is to simply say,"Oh" or "uh-huh". That way I'm acknowledging him, yet not getting drawn into an argument (which he seems to love). Responding to what he said, yet not letting him know how hurtful it was (because that would lead to further comments). Your (and my) spouses are in the mode that it's "necessary" to put the woman down (as yours, my husband's dad was not a good example; in fact was a cruel tyrant.)
here's the rest: IF you show him that he can't "get" to you, by using that little word, "oh", he may start to lay off a bit. At least mine did; he finally realized I wasn't going to play the downtrodden game anymore. Don't expect him to communicate, he can't. If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself-that's what I did, and it helps. Above all, stay close to the Lord; you can't do this without grace, which He freely gives. At first your spouse may turn on the heat and get even meaner, but you have to keep sticking to "oh" and eventually he'll begin to notice he can't wound you anymore.
He doesn’t know I am hurt and I never fight him on it, I always apologize or acknowledge his comments about my shortcomings. like you say, my faith is the only thing that keeps me going. He just wants me to be this perfect thing that I can never be and I don’t know how to get him to understand that I am only human. Even after loosing 50 lbs last year wasn’t enough I am now a size 6 and not small enough because I still have a belly bulge (after 5 kids I just can’t get rid of it) he shows me absolutely no affection unless he wants to have sex and only just the parts that please him. He really just thinks he is the best man in the world and I must just be the luckiest woman in the world and that I should feel even more lucky that he hasn’t gotten rid of me because I’m not that pretty and he feels ashamed of me because I don’t wear enough makeup or nice enough clothes and I look so fat to him even though I am thinner now than when we married (I was about 15 lbs heavier than I am now but my body has changed due to children and he just thinks it’s ugly and thinks if I loose more weight it will look better but skinny can’t erase stretch marks and aging) I will be ok I am trying my best but if I told him how I really felt or tried to get help from counseling e would think there was something wrong with me and he would kick me out without the kids because he can’t have an unhappy woman around when he’s such a great catch. And he has actually told me this and how can I care for our kids without him. I have no college education or work history, I would have to be on welfare to support my kids and leave twin babies in the hands of a daycare while I work a pitiful job. I think I can stick it out until they are at least older. I don’t see our relationship will last without some major changes but I am going to try to make it last as long as I can for the kids sake. But I know he is already starting to look around for a better younger version of me.
He is only telling you all of this because he knows that if you go to an attorney or get help then you will be able to have the kids, the house and at least half his money…especially because of all the mental abuse he has been putting you through. He is keeping you right where he wants you weak, fearful and dominated by him in a mentally abusive relationship. You not going to a counselor is a win on his part because the counselor's info can be used in court to help you win. At least go to free counseling.
Do you seriously think staying with him is good for your children? Do you want your children to think this is acceptable behavior? Do you want your daughter to have this kind of life or for your son to put a woman through this kind of life?
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence…
AGREE WITH EMILY
I understand some (nowhere near all) of what you’re going through. I’ve been through marriage counseling, and it was wonderful. It helped my husband learn how to let me be a part of his life, and a valuable part at that. Plus it helped me understand how to love him in a way that was not enabling or unhealthy.
I would encourage you to seek out a church family (and I mean family, not just pew-sitters) who can give you support on the ground. None of us can know the whole situation from online posts, but local Christian friends could pray with you, talk with your husband, get you connected to local counselors, etc.
I salute your efforts to keep on being a good wife and mother. You should be proud of yourself; not every woman has such endurance. However, don’t keep treating yourself like the source of the problem. If you want things to change, you BOTH have to be willing to work on your marriage. If you can’t help your husband understand this all on your own, then by all means, get help from someone who can.
I have tried to get help from others and it almost got me kicked out. He thinks when I talk about my feelings I am just looking for a fight and how can I have a problem with our happy life together as he views it, thank you for all your suggestions and comments, I think our problems are just too great that it would only take the influence of The Lord up high to miraculously turn this marriage around. I try to be content with what I have and try to understand that he means well he honestly thinks I need the constant criticism in order to function properly. He thinks woman become last and fat of you don’t constantly remind them to work harder, Eat less and do things better. I beleive life is a constant learning environment and I’m all for improving myself as best as I can but the pressure I feel and seeing his constant disappointment in me just pushes me to hate myself. I will just keep working at it and looking for support and trying to figure out ways to improve things for myself. As far as church goes he only allows us to be pew sitters and rushes us out as soon as it’s over so I haven’t even met anyone and he likes mega churches that make it even harder for someone to notice us. I wanted to try a smaller church and he just about flipped saying that I just want to cause problems by wanting to go to a diff church than him (which isn’t what I meant but since he would refuse to go to it that’s how he feels I was attempting to do) I made a couple friends and they pray for me but we live 1000 miles away from any family (his too) and as a housewife who’s activities are pretty watched over it’s very hard to get out to to things on my own because he beleive woman wander if left to their own devices. He basicly grew up with the belief that woman are about as well behaved as a loyal dog. They usually behave and stay put but if left to their own devices too long and they can get wild and wander into trouble. So I focus on just making sure my kids have the best childhood I can give them. That way I know these years weren’t just a waste and I can find happiness knowing I at least manager to be a decent mother.
What would you tell your daughter ( If you have one) if she was telling u this story? It's time to think about it, because she, or a future daughter-in-law will be repeating these exact words and feeling these exact feelings and think its all normal…mark my words…..Break the cycle only YOU can. Why do you think he doesnt want you to meet anyone?? He knows everyone you meet would fill you in on what kind of a person he REALLY is…all your doing is reinforcing his behavior and teaching your children that this is how you are supposed to treat/ be treated when you love someone…This is NOT Love its ownership.
Oh, Becka, I hurt for you. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but some of that behavior is emotional abuse. I was married to an emotionally abusive man, and I could hardly get through your post without feeling sick. I walked on eggshells every single time either I was on my way home, or he was on the way home. It evolved into something physical, and I had to leave with my children. That was a long time ago. I'm not saying you are stuck or it is hopeless, but just beware. Please, you should consider some assertiveness training, but if money is an issue, look it up if you can, and if you have a trusted friend or pastor, maybe you can even use that outlet. If you've been married awhile, I would doubt seriously that he doesn't know what he's doing. He's just getting away with it, and I'm very sorry. It's a very tough situation, and I know it makes you feel terrible, but it doesn't have to go on. No wife has to put up with that kind of behavior, just know it's his problem; there's nothing you can do that would ever merit that treatment. Hugs and prayers.
I don't control the money, I don't drive our car, I don't cook even for self, I don't shop, because she insists she is better at such things, and will Brook no discussion of such, although insisting they are things she dislikes.
I often do her laundry,and always do my own. I often vacuum, and often do dishes, and set table for meals.
I most often clean after her pets, and let the dog out, and feed both her cat and dog very often. I am 88, and
have arthritic hands. She is 74, and still quite physically capable, but resents when l don't do more for her.
The difference a woman makes by “decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean…or that you have your favorite soap.” Wow. I am sorry but this post is clearly geared towards housewives or moms. What about the working woman, who might actually be the primary breadwinner? Or the smartmouth wife who actually herself being the one who is curt with her husband sometimes? I found both posts to be a bit old fashioned in respect to male vs. female personality types and roles in the family.
I 100% agree with Amy here. This post seems to read as if “treat your wife like her little contributions are meaningful.” The assumption that the woman wants to be recognized for cleaning is just awful. A woman doesn’t want to be treated equally, she is equal. I think the point you are making with both of these posts is great and very helpful. Unfortunately, the positive is completely lost in the blatant designation women as housewives. Because you are providing advice, please at least add recognition for women who are the breadwinners and thank their husbands for cleaning the kitchen.
I am the primary bread-winner, but I still make sure his laundry is clean and he has his favorite soap and many other things. The point was that a man should appreciate the little things, and he just gave some examples.
I agree with Felicia 100%, just because I work outside of the home doesn't mean this is all I do. I still do my best to do the "little" things that show that I pay attention to my husbands needs and likes, in addition to being an income earner as well. I have to say, the fact that I still do the little things, on top of earning an income is truly appreciated by husband. He even tells me that I am amazing to be able to balance so much and the fact that I work outside of the home and still take the time to go above and beyond makes him appreciate me even more and cherish me.
I completely agree. In my household, I am the sole (generous) breadwinner and my husband stays at home as a novelist. We divide chores equally according to our strengths because we’re partners and neither one of us is the “domestic” partner, which is why I could barely get through this article.
It wasn’t that the advice wasn’t good; it is certainly applicable to many a marriage. It was just the complete lack of having the other perspective represented. It was the whole “talk to your wife as you would another man…” Guess what, my husband doesn’t talk down to me, ever. It’s not something that comes up for us. That’s a valid point to make, but it’s the only point that got made in the article which is why there’s a problem. For instance, instead home being thankful of my buying my husband his favorite soap, how about a line where he’s thankful that I do the taxes and pay the bills!
It wasn’t that a husband shouldn’t be grateful of the soap, it was the fact that the idea that a woman might be the more dominant and reliable partner wasn’t represented here at all. That’s a problem. I clicked the article in the hopes of getting some universal insights, and instead it was only for marriages where the male personality is more dominant than the female.
I hear you women. I don't believe this article was written to exclude you on purpose. I think it's just geared toward a specific group of us who are not the breadwinners. It's obvious by your replies that, maybe because you ARE the breadwinners, that you are not experiencing the same devastating & hurtful things that we are. I'm almost positive that it plays a huge role in how your husbands respond to you. If they were to treat you like we are being treated, it would be like biting the hand that feeds THEM. It would be interesting to hear from women whose roles have been reversed with their husbands. Maybe another article should be written specifically for women who bring home the bacon because it brings a different dynamic. To those of us who are not the providers, this article is Golden!
Thanks, Jenny. I may indeed tackle that angle. Good point. I would even consider a guest post.
Im guilty I have to admit ive gotten better but I had a problem with the last one thanks for your post you have really helped me throughout discovering your page… I’m a young man been married 3 years but we been together since grade school I no I messed up but I’m tryin to do better . I agree with the other’s also we are all human and make mistakes. All I would like to say is.. men/women when we make mistakes dont hold on to it , if you see your partner making a effort to change let em. Dont hold that to them forever thanks again be blessed everyone
Sometimes we need encouragement to do things and try things and want you to take our hand and say "come on… you/we can do this" So often we have to do that for everyone else… be the strong ones, encouraging others… that I think men forget how insecure we sometimes are… but we get stuck in ruts too and need a little tug along to be adventurous and try new things for ourselves. We try to boost confidence in others but don't always succeed for ourselves and need our men to encourage us too
Another one to consider is NEVER take the side of your mother against your wife especially in front of others or the mother. She WILL feel betrayed and look at you as a traitor.. She won't feel that she can trust you ever.
Yes!
AMEN!! And stick up for your wife if your mother says anything against her. To your wife (and maybe your mother) your silence means that you agree with your mother.
the same holds true for grown children from a previous marriage or your own grown children. its demeaning for my husband to take our daughter's side or when his children were in the picture, take their word over mine.
My husband and I read through both 7 ways a husband/wife can hurt their wife/husband. And we are both guilty of every one of the 7 . Not proud to say that. We, however, through GOD, have grown in our marriage and have gotten better at avoiding a lot of these. Somtimes we slip up but we have grown so that we are able to talk about it without it becoming WAR as would have been in our younger years of marriage. I must give credit to GOD being more prominent in our lives now and HE has given us the awareness to be more kind and loving to one another.
Thanks for your honesty.
Don't know why exactly, but something bothers me about these sorts of posts that make insightful comments on relationships but start out with a photo of a woman of almost unparalleled physical beauty. Once, only once, I want to see such a write-up with an average-looking creature at it's header.
Yes! Ben, as soon as this page loaded, I felt a little irked by the stock photo of the model. Not a very "realistic" look into marriage is it? haha!
Well, I've been married 27 years, and my wife of 52 looks 35, and gets stares all the time, everywhere she goes…gets asked sometimes it f she's a model., so, I don't necessisarily agree Meg.
In fact, my wife is considerably more stunning than the model used here, and I swear, I'm not being biased.
1. The sad truth of the matter is, you would lose readers if you posted unattractive people. It's the way our minds work.
2. She looks like a fairly average 20/30 something wife to me – and couples that age need these kinds of articles desperately. Sure, she's pretty, but not at all an "unparalleled" beauty
3. Not that we have to go overboard, but if some wives tried a little bit harder to be attractive for their mates, instead of shlepping around in sweats, no make up and a ponytail, maybe they would make their spouses feel a little more special.
Your number three is so ugly to say about women. That was so rude to say about women. Stop copying these silly Internet trends shred all they do us criticize and lecture wives and tell them it's their job to save the mattiage. For once I want to read a marriage article without some anti woman person, telling women to not wear sweats or t shirts.
If a man is that superficial and that weak and that disloyal, that if his wife is wearing sweats and t shirts, that he's going to stray, then he is one evil and weak man and us not worthy of being called a husband. Do you really think God intends for husbands to cheat on their wives and then to make the excuse that if she wears sweat pants, she has sinned???
Why don't you find a little time to write a comment to the husbands and the other hypocritical Americans who are bent on skamming women about sweats. Let's put and end to the crusade against wives and stop
criticizing women's clothing and stop the body shaming.
I don’t think that’s all true, sorry for my opinion, but most of those seven things is done to me instead of her. I love my wife but women most of the time asking men to care for them, and don’t even appreciate it. When problem happen they blame their men.
I was thinking the same thing. As I was reading these, I thought to myself that I see myself doing this to my fiance more than he does it to me. Maybe that's because I have always been more independent and grounded in myself rather than being more docile as some women have been wont to be, especially in the past (women now are much more independent.) It's an eye opener to see the things that I have been doing spelled out for me. it makes me want to be more careful. It also makes me realize how much the stereotypes can be wrong. These, of course, are still issues that some men have, but women too. Anyway, I'm so long-winded. I simply wanted to say that I agree with you.
All seven are so true, and very hurtful/harmful. You've done marriage a good service by naming these for husbands to read. Hope it gets a very wide reading.
Thanks
Walk in front instead of beside her. My husband did this all the time and I felt like he was either embarrassed to be with me or where he was headed was more important than I was. Even after I told him how it made me feel, he said he couldn't walk that slow. I'm 5'1" and he was 5'11". His legs were a lot longer, but I practically ran just to keep up with him and still was left in his dust.
Thank you. That's a good word. I hate walking in front of my wife…I feel like I can't protect her.
My husband does this. I’m 5’2″ & he’s 5’4″ so it’s especially annoying that I’m practically running to keep up. He’s very protective otherwise, so i don’t know why he still does this asset 18 years & me complaining about it several times.
This has been a big one for me. I dislike going places with him because I feel rejected and invisible when I am behind him.
I think when a man walks in front of a woman, there lacking the most important thing in life (mannors) I see so many men doing this and I don't think they are embarrassed by you, I don't think they put much thought into it, I was walking in the church last sunday with my husband and now that I think about it, he was walking in front of me. so don't be bugged by it because men never change
I do tend to walk faster than my wife (of 23 years) so after some "discussion" on the topic, we now hold hands whenever we walk together. It has worked well and the close contact nurtures intimacy and conversation. One of Gods directives to husbands is to protect and build a woman's spirit and spirituality. Disrespecting her presence is absolutely contradictory to His guidance. I would encourage a loving discussion. By the way, I forwarded to "7 ways" to her, asking if I do these…
Thank you
How would apply this if you’re separated? Is this marriage so far gone from being restored or fixed?? I wish I would’ve read this a year ago
It's never too late. Takes two people, but the way to start rebuilding is to practice better habits together.
We live in the same place for economic reason. She says to others that we do not love, but what we do is practical for survival. I do still love her, but it hurts! She thanks me for small helps I do around the house.
I thank her for making a clean, pleasant home, and cooking meals. Yet, she seems to want control of everything, and I yield to avoid controversy because I love peace. She only gives me credit for one thing; my mechanical skill, all else I seem to be deficient in, and it is "you never, or you always, or yuo have to, or you can't! I am a slave to her desires, and it hurts, so I withdraw,and hide. That hurts even more since I am not a happy loner.
Thank you so much for this
Spot on Adam! My fiancé
tells me so often how intelligent I am but when I come up with a solution, suggestion, or even a fact he seems to downplay it and give me the ” correct” answer (he seems to know everything about everything. If that is the case… What can I contribute to this?) I don’t give these suggestions out to tell him I am right but it would be nice for him to actually stop and consider them versus brushing them aside so quickly. It hurts. It feels as though I am actually not as intelligent as he makes me out to be.
I don't really know if this is important for any other women, but for me I need to be shown that he loves me. I think my biggest let down is that 99% of the time he just says I love you but usually doesn't do anything other than that. For us, he is in the military and we are rarely together at this point in his military career so it would be very nice for him to do cute things to remind me he loves me and says hey… i know we are apart but I love you and want to show you. Now I don't mean things all the time, just every once in a while. One example is maybe sending a card every now and then. Or flowers for special occasions, but he never does anything to show me he loves me. I feel like this is hard for me to explain and I hope I am not coming off as shallow. This is just one thing I struggle with in our relationship.
Me too girl! Married 29 years and he tells me he loves me everyday, all day, but does really nothing else!
my husband was in the military too, so I understand what you are saying. We missed Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and valentines day together. (Our first as a married couple for all of them…!) I never once got a card or flowers in the mail. It made me feel less important as his wife, and it hurt me. He didn't intend to cause harm because he thought going out to dinner when he got back was good enough to make up for missing valentines day, and had gifts from the deployment. But to me it was the fact that everyone else got to feel special on those holidays, and I was alone, and felt even more alone without a phone call, an email or a card. He 'underestimated the small stuff' because he assumed I would get over it. It's been almost a year since he got back from deployment, and I still can't get over those feelings of resentment sometimes. I hope that you are able to talk to him about what's on your mind and heart, so that you can feel less of the stress that comes with military life.
Get over yourselves. Imagine what he was going through during his deployment, and you are upset because you didn't get a card? Give me a break.
If you could keep your harsh words and opinions to yourself, that would be great. Some of us do not get the luxury of taking our loved ones presence for granted. If you have never had your spouse in the military, then you have no clue what it is like, so please save the judgement for some other part of the internet. Because this isn't some 'wife is the toughest job in the corps' pity party, it's called having feelings.
Because for me, it's wasn't just missing out on a card or two, it was 8 months apart, with 3 phone calls, all of which were under 5 minutes. I was all alone going taking on the tasks of husband and wife, working 60 plus hours a week while going to school to keep my mind off the fact that I just got married and my husband and I don't get to make any memories for 8 months. Wondering if he still loves me, if our relationship will be the same when he gets back. So yes, a card or some flowers or anything would have been a really awesome way to tell me, hey I still love you and we're still in this together. Because sometimes it's the small stuff that get you through the next couple of months til you get to see their face again.
No it sounds like a pity party. Either you agree with her or you "don't have feelings?" Seriously you are saying "my husband don't consider my feelings, he doesn't show me he loves me" but you are not considering HIS feelings and all of the things he actually does for you, like taking you out to dinner. Here is my advice. If he does ANYTHING good for you (takes care of you while you're sick, makes you breakfast, etc. etc.) then appreciate him. There are a lot of men out there who would treat you like MEAT. Would you prefer that? I doubt it. Now if he doesn't do anything for you at all then you should just leave him and don't string him along making him feel under appreciated for his efforts because I promise you he has feelings too and all this "I want more" attitude is just going to make him feel terrible eventually if it's not already.
How exactly is he supposed to take care of her when she's sick or make breakfast for her when he is deployed? How is she supposed to know if he still loves her if he doesn't do anything beyond taking her out to dinner when he comes home? We are not mind readers. Are you trying to say that he is so fragile that his wife stating her needs to him is going to break him? He is not a mind reader either. Why don't you give him the respect of assuming that he can handle knowing that a small change is needed. He is more than capable of making it happen. I bet he will feel more like a man when he learns how to care for his wife's needs than most anything else.
*plays violin in the background* Sammy, honesltly you didnt/dont need to be married if you cant be happy by YOURSELF .Its pretty obvious that your husband filled some void he wasnt supposed to fill. You shouldnt worry about him sending a card to say he loves you should be thankful he was sacrificing his life so that you could sit there and whine. You really need some type of counseling, you sound really needy and men dont want a overly needy wife, they want a confident wife who supports them, not one who sits there and whines about missing a few holidays.
Yes! Say it again! Not once did the women who said their husband was in the military say im thankful hes serving our country…all they did was whine whine whine, me, me, me, me. And the ones who down vote you will be women. I swear feminism has destroyed american women. lesigh
im not married to anyone in the military but i do know that it is hard on both people while they are apart! you cannot communicate your day to day like most couples and these women are fighting here at home! they give their men something to come home to and someone to talk to. unless you have been through any of this how can you say they are whining or being overly needy. WE as humans are needy! we have to form bonds and have those bonds nurtered in different ways for everyone, so to put someone one down bc they are expressing their needs is not ok!
Sounds like a few of you could learn something from the movie Fireproof. My husband and I have watched it many times through the years to remind us that our #1 MOST important job is making Christ the center of our home, 2nd OVER ALL ELSE is our marriage and how can we better serve each other.
In the movie, husband is a firefighter.. Can't understand why he can save lives and fight fires everyday and she wants more like help around the house and to be more important to him than the boat he desires and the porn he watches.
Point: He may be fighting for his country but he also took a covenant with God when he married his wife.. That trumps everything! That is why these women feel hurt when they don't receive cards or phone calls.. Or blame her for "being needy" .. It is not your place to judge. When God said that through marriage and concemation that "the two shall become one… It's only logical that she would miss her other half!
For the women who just wanted to express their heart and instead received criticism:
I pray that you bring your hurt to Christ and let Him heal your sweet hearts, live with quick forgiveness while lifting your husband in prayer, and be his biggest cheerleader!! Let NO women praise him as much as you do!! Let God do the work in his life.. In His timing.
I have been deployed. Yes, it's hard. We were provided time to call home, we had access to buy a card or paper to write a note. Even in combat. My husband always got a phone call on the holidays. I sent letters home. it matters even though you are having hard time of it. he doesn't think it matters to her because she isn't telling him it matters. By not saying anything about it, he thinks she has gotten over it. McDubb, get off your high horse and grow a heart!!
This is a great reminder for me as a husband. Im really bad about this even though its not because I dont lover her, Im just tired all time. Even after just writing that I realize thats nothing more than an excuse. Thanks for your post.
McDubb, J.L., Tyra-You all have no understanding and really need to grow up…AND saddown. You have probably been hurt by someone and now you are too independent to care about someone actually showing you they care because you've "heard it all before", right? Be schooled right quick: being the wife of a Vet, (WHOOP WHOOP support our Vets) life in the military is not all that it seems. Yes, they fight for our freedom, but some of them are crooked and live double lives, and there are women who live on or near the base just to trap military men just for the money
Kate- Do not receive the negativity on here. My husband and I do pre-marriage counciling and there is a very real thing called "love languages." Learning one another's love language is crucial to connection, communication and fulfillment in a relationship. There are 5 basic LLs – they are: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, 5) physical touch. Sounds like one of your love language is gifts. That is how you show and receive love. You aren't asking for much and it isn't shallow… Actually I bet you are a thoughtful person! People usually SHOW their love most often in how they would like to receive it. When you write notes, send cards and give small gifts to loved ones it is how you show you care. I would encourage you to pick up the book the 5 love languages! It really helped and blessed my husband and me- for the first couple years of our marriage we were speaking the wrong languages to each other which kind of left us both feeling empty and unappreciated. God bless you, your marriage and thank your husband for serving from me. ((Hugs))
Thank you for your thoughtful response to Kate. I appreciate it and will be looking for that book.
At least your hubby TELLS you he loves you. If my hubby loves me it is a well kept secret. My hubby said he didn't know how to show me, so I have repeatedly told him over the years the ways that I would like to be shown — I never made him guess, and you know what? He STILL does not have a clue and still does not stoke the fire to keep the home fires burning.
🙁 sighhhhhh…
I have always worked on these things intentionally. My take on Ephesians 5 for men is that we need to be sacrificially concerned for our wife's spiritual development. If I think she is screwing something up, then I should bear the blame with her rather than pointing a finger at her and letting her bear the blame alone. Then I look at what the Holy Spirit is doing in her life and try to work in agreement with Him. I don't presume to know what she needs spiritually beyond that and offer myself sacrificially to meed her physical needs. Do that and all the points in this post will take care of themselves.
Good word.
wish I had a husband like you. You have a lucky wife!
That is amazing information I honestly feel that way with my fiance. I love sports anything im a tomboy but he thinks otherwise so sometimes i question r relationship….
I’ve been guilty of all of these on occasion, but have only ever made a habit of #’s 2 and 3, as far as I can tell, and trying to be completely honest with myself here. I always try to be respectful, I don’t have anything to ever hide (except maybe a surprise for a woman, like a gift), and I don’t gawk.
There are times, just like with any person, regardless of their gender or relationship to you, that you have to say, “look. You simply don’t seem to understand why I can’t change a tire with a small piece of wood and a screwdriver, so why don’t you either watch and learn, or occupy yourself with something else and let me handle it?” (example from an actual real life discussion with my ex wife.)
No excuse for talking to a woman the way you would a bro though, and that’s my bigger issue between these two. I spent some of the most formative years of my life surrounded by other men who thought, felt, and acted exactly as I did (four years Marines). So when you consider we didn’t recieve “sensitivity training” back then like they do now, I’m STILL working on trying to break that mindset.
This is what happen, Last night we wore waiting for the Dr. to come in for his son to have his shot. While she set up all the shot while she is working and pretty she look skinny nice ass good looking young women" my husband finds her attraction her body looking her up and down. And here I am looking at him and I turned my back on him and my heart and soul hurts. He doesn't know it? I was looking? I cried in bed and I felt hurt while he came to bed''. He never held me and I cry and cry why me. We fight a lot' even he uses sex and emotional feeling I don't want too. He force me to get my licence so he don't have to drive me around and my children for my appointment. On weekends or week days he want to love me again after sex that after he gets laid he hurts me by his words and never love again because sex that all he wanted. I woke up early could not sleep wondering am I attraction by him they way I look at a pretty women Dr. skinny and small ass nice body. Here I am have 2 boys and haven' t worked out because I have boys to take care off. I feel like he don't feel the way I look getting fat he said getting couple gray hair only 36 years old.
He woke up at 4:30 he came up to me he said to me something I could not hear him I said what. The hurt full voice I don't have to say it 3 time. I turned off my computer laid on the couch crying he hurts me. When he was getting ready for work never came to my bye see you later or leave me a note. I got up off the couch he left me 15.00 and I threw the money I started crying again, my heart hurts. Put it they way he has no respect first time I moved in with him. And it was the biggest mistake ever in my hole life. And getting married to him.
I'm praying for you.
That's the thing Trip, My husband a Christian man and preacher, sometimes speaks to me like he would his brothers, in a rough kind of way, then he gets offended and feels disrespected when I get angry and bombastic with him. He would tell me that I am a lady and must act the part, he told me that I am not a man, so I must stop acting like if I want to fight him. So when he start speaking to me roughly, I would stop and tell him nicely that if he wants me to act like a lady, he must speak to me like I'm a lady and treat me like I'm a lady and he would get good result. He would apologize, but repeat the action again, which makes me wonder if he is sorry at all, or have any interest to change.
My wife and I have been married for over 8 years. Over that time, we have both been guilty of a few of these. One of the worst things for me, is texting her. In a text, I can say all the right words, but when I get home, my tone will negate everything. We, as men, need to realize that sometimes it isn’t what we say, but how we say it.
I strive daily to remind not just her, but myself, that she isn’t just my wife, she’s my best friend.
Me to.. to keep from sounding/saying the wrong things are using the wrong tone I would write her and leave it on the table… but shes told me many times to express myself to her with words but dont want to sound harsh smh I try though
Oh goodness Bill, you took the words right out of my mouth, literally! I dont know how many times I have said "its not what you said, its how you said it!" And I have most often said this at some point during a conversation when I said to my husband something along the lines of "obviously you think I'm stupid" to which he angrily denies this accusation and says something along the lines of "I dont think that and i have never said that, so don't say i do!" Lol…so yes, it has come up
My husband insisted firmly last night that I am his wife, he is my husband. That he is not my friend and I am not his. He talks in a duty-tone like it was my purpose in life to be his sexual outlet, but with a duty and not a friendship. When i call him my best friend, he firmly corrects me to tell me he is not my friend, but my husband. I do not know what to make if that and it has completely killed my sexual attraction towards him.
I would like to know what men feel about this and how this is supposed to be with God. If sex is only a duty bound by wifehood and nit an intensely deep friendship, then i don't want any part of sex.
Well stated! I like the sarcastic play! _http://jwolffblog.wordpress.com/
Thanks. I actually reworded it a little. 🙂
You left out "blames her for things she has no control over."
thank you for adding that! that happens to me all the time! 🙁
This may be similar to your #1, but I would add "Doesn't take her input" or maybe "doesn't give her input proper weight in a discussion." I have struggled with this one before. I might even ask my wife what she thinks, but I already have my mind made up about a decision. She is wise and very intelligent, and I need to give her input serious consideration, especially in major decisions.
Great post!
That's good. Thank you
My husband does this. We are following Dave Ramsey's financial plan and supposed to have a monthly budget meeting. In 18 months of following Dave, we have had 3 budget meetings.
Unfortunately, my husband's father was in control of everything in their lives as well as an alcoholic. My husband doesn't drink, but he does think it is his right (or place?) to be in control of everything – without input from me
Just because I don't have a college diploma does not mean my intelligence is lower
I do not know how to make him understand this
I gave this advice to someone else today. You might consider writing him a letter. See my blog post today how to do that at ronedmondson.com