I have talked to dozens of marriages in need of help, but the couples are too ashamed or proud to ask for it or accept it. Somehow, I think if we admitted that all marriages struggle at times, it would help the ones in trouble to seek the help they need.
My Bible describes the process of becoming one (marriage) as a “mystery” (Ephesians 5:32), yet many people mistakenly believe they can do it on their own.
Would you do me a favor? Will you consider these 5 questions? Then, if you have had to work on your marriage; if your marriage has had to learn a few things the hard way to make it work, help us all by sharing some of your experience here on this post. Perhaps the combined synergy of transparency will be good for all of our marriages.
Here are the questions:
- What if couples weren’t made to feel guilty, or a failure, or as if you were all alone, if you decided your marriage wasn’t all it is supposed to be?
- What if the stigmas against seeking help for marriage disappeared?
- What if seeking counseling or asking for help figuring out marriage became socially acceptable?
- What if couples were commended for admitting mistakes in the marriage and it was seen as a part of the process in making the marriage stronger?
- What if couples realized that every marriage has struggles; that no marriage is perfect, but that good marriages got that way through hard work?
Has married life been hard for you at times? Share a comment, even if it’s just “Yes, my marriage is a work in progress”, and let’s encourage some marriages to seek the help they need.
All the Monday Marriage Moments can now be found together in one category HERE.
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So i have to take my emotions out of the other man and put them into my marriage? I know i can do this, but i dont exactly know how.
Baby steps. Date your husband. Write out something everyday you love about your husband. Pray whenever you think of the other man. Ask God to direct your thoughts. He will be on your side in this.
I know its wrong to get a divorce and i have tried hard to pray these feelings away because i dont want to feel the way i do about another man because i feel bad about it but i do unfortunately.
I don't know that I can help in this format, but I want you to read the book “Love and a Respect” by Eggericks. I'm not at all trying to be cruel, but I think you can be “in love” with the man you're married to. Love, the deepest level of love, is more than emotion. It's also commitment and promise. Think of it this way. You don't wake every morning with the same emotion towards even God. But it's the commitment that keeps the relationship. My gut is that you're fueling the emotions of the other man. Your thoughts are consumed his direction. And as long as you are, the longer they'll be there. I'm praying for you. Please also consider counseling.
And thank you for responding to my message.
I am a young wife I have a good husband and good marriage for the most part we have our share of problems and it definitely gets hard at times sometimes i feel like its harder for me because im a lot younger than him so i didnt exactly know all the principles of marriage when i got married but i am learning but my marriage isnt really the issue the issue is that im in love with someone else. I knew the other person before my husband you know how God says to close one door before opening another. Well i learned my lesson there. I never resolved issues with the other person before i moved on and got married i kind of rushed into things even though i still had feelings. I love my husband and care for him and keeping my family together but i cant ignore how i feel on the other side of the coin. I need help.
I read many of your articles on marriage. I agree with most of the content. In India we have a good family support but sometimes it becomes an hinderance in marriage. Both of us come from hindu backgrounds and believed in Christ. Both the family sides have rejected us or accept grudgingly. Being alone to face difficulties has strengthened our marriage.
To Mrs Santana Valdez, I just want to ask you please,How much you pay for Dr. Atakpo to do the work? Please reply. Thank youso much, Alicia
I am 26 years old and have been married for one year. I started counseling a few months after our marriage because my husbands and I were experiencing some challenges that were brought on some sexual abuse I suffered as a pre-teen. I have been very excited to share our counseling experience with other couples that struggle with issues of intimacy because it helps to take away the stigma in our circle of friends. Slowly progress is being made and I am confident that it will only get better. For those looking for free marriage resource watch the Staying In Love series by Andy Stanley @ North Point Church. It will change your perspective on marriage for the better!
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your story. Way to go working on your marriage. Too many are just letting it go.
Hi Ron. I thought you would be encouraged to hear that among our young church family, there is very little stigma about counselling or coaching in marriage. In our sphere, as soon as a couple starts courting (ie. dating with a very serious intent towards marriage) we are encouraged to connect with one of a few couples in the church who have a handful of years of marriage ahead of them. This is not marriage prep courses. We do those too. This is a relationship & accountability with a couple who want to see you succeed as a team and to really spell out what life can be like on the "other side" of marriage.
It has been so beneficial to surviving my first year of marriage to have a woman in my life who I can call when I just want to throw my vow to the wind and walk out the door. This couple reminds us of our commitment to love unconditionally, to have grace for one another and to forgive quickly. They suggest things that have helped them move beyond their differences. Having someone there to say that things are rough but to remind me to have hope and focus forward has changed my life.
That is wonderful. I think starting a church like that, or building it into the DNA of the church, will break the cycle of divorce and marriage issues which plagues the church as much as the world. Thanks for sharing!
My husband and will be married 11 years on May 8th. He told me he doesn't love me and won't do marriage counseling. I have done everything my pastor has said to do – by myself – because he will not participate in saving the marriage. We have 2 small children, a beautiful home, great jobs, but no love. I'm willing to still work on this, but it is so hard when he not only doesn't love me, but doesn't respect me. I've read all the books, I'm in a bible study, I go to church. It's so sad!!! I don't know if I should hang up my hat and move on, or stick it out some more.
I'm praying God changes his heart. I have seen it many times and I do believe in miracles.
Carla – Have you read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? The whole book is based on one verse in the New Testament. It challenged me to examine my perspective of marriage & changed my attitudes. I have really learned to believe for miracles and for Holy Spirit to change my husband's heart and not for me to try & push the change.
I know it can be so hard, lonely, discouraging in the situation you're in. However, I encourage you – when we didn't love Jesus, he loved us. He laid down his life. He won our hearts with his love. God's love is stronger than death. I believe that you can pour out God's love to your husband. His kind of love changes things and I believe with you that it will change things for your marriage.
That is a great book. I highly recommend it also.
I've been married almost 7 years, and my husband and I have just started some long-overdue marriage counseling. Some of your posts about marriage have been very encouraging. We do want to avoid that 7 year slump you talked about. There's a lot of deferred maintenance in our marriage. We've both been so BUSY we haven't put time into our relationship. Even with just one counseling session so far and reading "Fighting for Your Marriage" together, we're doing so much better. At first I hesitated to tell people we are going to counseling, but I realized the stigma against counseling is so damaging. I have started to tell people to encourage others to do it. Counseling is NOT just for marriages that are totally on the rocks! It's a benefit even to healthy marriages, to keep them that way.
Absolutely. Thanks for sharing this Becky. If more couples would be proactive with counseling…when both parties are still interested in making the marriage work…the failure rate would be far less than it is now.
My wife and I have been married for 24 years. My wife and I were married young and she is 43. She is an outgoing bubbly person and full of life. Over the years she says she has become tired of trying to take me along for a fun filled life. I regret to say that she is right. I am dependable, a good provider, a great friend to her, but the excitement and passion has been missing for years. She is still in the house but has built up emotional walls where she says she is not able to let me get through anymore. Most of our friends tend to end up divorced. She is a psychologist with a lot of insight which seems to impact and tug at my fears. I pull back and might even be intimidated. I would love for her to fall in love with me again. I do love her so much. Any advice?
Dale, thank you for your question and comment. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. You may want to read another post I wrote here
Dale, thank you for your question and comment. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. You may want to read another post I wrote here
Thank you for your quick response. It is appreciated and yes, hard to hear. She has said so many times over the past few months that she needs to feel control over her decisions and that my fears (yes fears!) get going and I tend to keep pushing her for answers and results that I want. I am trying very hard to back off (not text, not call, not question – but to wait for her). As an anxious and worrisome person, I find it very difficult to just wait. My tendancy is to feel that if I am not in contact in someway, she will be distant. The reality I am finding is that she pulls back further. She does find this fear very unattractive in a husand. She feels it is ok for her best friend to have, but not her husband.
I understand Dale. I'll be praying for you.
I was not able to find the previous posts you referred to earlier. My system says that they have been removed or deleted. Could you resend the links again?
Thank you so much,
Dale
Try this:
Take her out for dinner or dancing…or a walk on the beach. Talk to her open up now let her know how you feel…:) God bless. I pray that you guys start to talk and hug
I think fear, pride and expense are huge barriers, at least for men. It is easy to lose sight of the consequences of doing nothing. I’ve had more than one counselor recommend that I leave and let the counselor decide when my husband is well enough to come home. My husband seemed to argue this morning that we were spending too much money to treat my suical 9 year old and shouldn’t spend any more to treat his own depression. He thinks his own pain is no big deal. Too many Christians and pastors have mistaken his obsessive need for approval for a servants heart and ignored my cries for help in the face of 20 years of emotional and sexual abuse. I made my wedding vows foolishly but I made that promise to God not my husband. So the vows stand and I will continue to push him toward health and holiness. I have been deeply loved by our Lord and that is enough for now and enough for me to give him the grace and forgiveness I have so richly received until he is able to give and receive again.
Tricia, thanks for sharing your heart and being transparent. I'm positive others will be encouraged!