All eyes are always on the minister’s family and having been on both sides, as a full-time vocational minister and years as someone with a full-time secular job, let me assure you that most pastors feel the pressure to live up to the standards of excellence people have set. I’m thankful I have a great marriage (most days) and two great boys. I’m fine with you making decisions about me based on my family life, because right now, thankfully, things are going well, but still, I also sense the pressure to live up to a set of unrealistic expectations at times.
The false expectation may often feel like I’m not supposed to have disagreements with my wife, my kids are never to be the ones that misbehave at times, or when you see Cheryl and me in public we should always be holding hands as we pray together.
I know what the Scripture says: He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) (1 Timothy 3:4-5)
Does that, however, mean the minister must have a perfect marriage and perfect children?
Is the standard you have set for the minister’s family higher than the one you have set for your family?
I’m curious, what expectations do you have of a pastor’s family?
My brother-in-law was a pastor for 16 yrs and I’ve been good friends with pastor kids and pastor wives. I think one of the biggest injustices congregants can do to their pastor an family is to not allow them a private life. Not meaning they have a right to hide things, but simply to relax away from their job and be “just” a dad and husband. On a regular basis. Living the job and position 24/7 is something no one wants to do or is able to do without an eventual burnout, both professionally, personally and emotionally.
Thanks Scotty. I agree.
I take a good look in the mirror before I start chucking stones. Life is challenging enough without Christians beating each other up. One of the reasons I love Grace so much is because my pastors are just men, subject to lose their mind at any given time….just like the rest of us.
That's a great approach!
My sister-in-law grew up as a pk and when her relationship with my brother-in-law, a religion major, got to a serious level, she broke up with him because she didn’t want to live in that “fish bowl”. But it was meant to be and my bil learned alot from her experiences. He placed firm boundaries around his family. He screened phone calls during his off-hours and learned that many “concerned” parishioners were simply nosey, gossips and destructive.
I also grew up in a large church that had many, many former pastor families. They had all left their pastorates due to the stress, strain on the family. The church needs to learn and know that their pastor family are normal and need our love, prayer and respect for privacy.
Thanks Scotty. Your type support is appreciated by all ministers and their families.
Just reading this morning in my quiet time about Eli and his unruly son's and how God set in his heart to destroy them and take Eli with them because he put his sons before God and didn't set them straight. Terribly paraphrased, nevertheless there it is. Of course it didn't help that his sons were having sex with the women who were serving at the entrance of the temple. Not a good thing to tolerate I would say if your a man of God. Which brings me to my next point. Yes I believe that a man serving God by shepherding over an appointed flock defintely is held to a higher standard and as well he should be. He is after all, a man of God, otherwise how could he be a an example of Light if he were not. Nevertheless, like any man he is not perfect and so nor do I expect him to be. Are there things for him to be not so perfect in? Yes I believe so. And are there things that I expect him to uphold righteously so? Absolutely. Drunkeness, sexual immorality and a loose tongue are certainly indications to me that this is not a man of God and therefore I would not want to be in this flock. Argument with a spouse, kids from time to time being disobedient, occasional short on patience, etc….. well…. that's just good ole life. … in my humble opinion.
Thanks Teri. I agree that the one who sets him or herself apart as a leader of God’s people (called of God of course) must hold his or her own standard high, because God has them to a higher standard. I don’t believe, however, that the goal should be any different for those not in ministry positions. Thankfully my boys were mostly raised while I was not in vocational ministry. I’m proud to say I expected my boys and my marriage to be just as “perfect” as the pastor’s standard for his family. If that makes sense quickly replied. Thanks!
YES I agree! I continually try to raise the bar for myself by the same standards I expect of my Pastor. Praise God I have a great man of God for a Pastor who knows what that looks like and can model that! I have to be honest though, my first few years in the church I DID hold him to a higher standard, unrealistically, and I think I did so cuz I wanted him to be perfect, you know what I mean? The more perfect he is the more like Christ I know how to be. I did have to learn that he does get mad just like everyone else and does struggle sometimes with how to not sin in anger. Among other things that are human. This was very eye opening for me, and also comforting at the same time. I remember thinking …hey look at there, even my Pastor struggles with this or that. Or his kid even, a little this way or that way…. And his wife…. did she just really say that. lol….
Yes, I think if the congregation worried more about what their own life looks rather then evaluate their Pastor's every word and motive, I think we would all be better for it. I'm glad you have the guts to be yourself, warts and all. That takes courage not to give in to the pressures to wear a mask! Especially for a Pastor!
But capable of the same mistakes.,. 8 should add
I heard Perry Nobel say on a podcast, “pastors, your marriage should be the best in the church!” The context was that our wives should get the best not what’s left. He also said, “God has called us to be husbands to our brides not His.”
I work very hard at my marriage with my wife, but we still struggle, I still say stupid things, and we don’t always like each other even when at church (we do however always love each other).
My expectation of the pasor and his family is that he demonstrate how a Godly man is to live. And if his marriage and family must come before his ministry to me then so be it. Be a sayer and doer because I’m a listener and seer. Your example is far more effective than any program.
Does that, however, mean the minister must have a perfect marriage and perfect children?
– No.
Is the standard you have set for the minister’s family higher than the one you have set for your family?
– No. I simply want to live in God's Love, Love God, and Love others.
I’m curious, what expectations do you have of a pastor’s family?
– Stop posing and just be Real.
Love it. You are preaching my heart!
As a Pastor's wife, i think alot of people have unreal expectations about us. We went through a very rough time last year and it seemed as if everyone thought of us as super christians rather than realize we are human and need friends, recreation and down time like everyone else.
i applaud dusty for being there for his pastor and family, we need more people like that!
Thanks for sharing this with us. Praying for your family.
I grew up as a preacher's kid and a missionary's kid. I know exactly where you are coming from, and that may be why I have a little bit different perspective than some.
I think the church that does not allow/expect their pastor to have his family as the second-most priority in his life (God being #1), needs to learn about ministering to their pastor and his family. No mortal man should be expected to be perfect or have the perfect family. "Let ye who hath no sin, cast the first stone!"
Marriage and maintaining a family is difficult at best. The Bible teaches and statistics agree, that the family is under attack. The only way to secure our defenses is to make it a priority.
I expect the pastor to be human. I expect he and his family to be under direct assault from Satan. I expect them to have difficulties. I expect them to stumble. I expect them to be sincere. I expect them to draw strength from their faith.
I expect myself and my family to be available to them should they need a shoulder to lean on. I expect myself and my family, to do what we can to allow our pastor the time needed to focus on his family. I expect my family to pray for my pastor's family. I expect my family to treat them with love.
Sorry for the rant. This topic touches a nerve with me.
Thank you. Your comment adds greatly to this post. Thanks for loving the pastor’s family.