I recently wrote a post about 7 things you may not know about your wife. It was a popular post and I committed to write a companion post for the wives.
Here are 7 things wives need to know — but may not know — about your husband:
His ego is more fragile than you imagined. I know, you’re probably tired of hearing about the male ego. I get it. But, it hasn’t gone away and, frankly, the world isn’t too kind on our ego. We see the jokes on every sitcom and commercial about how inadequate we are at times. But, there’s not a man with a soul that’s alive that doesn’t want to be admired by the woman in his life. Not one.
He is very visual. Very. More than you are probably thinking. You see his eyes roam. That’s a natural reaction for him. He doesn’t have to work on it. Now he has responsibility over his eyes — not the girl who attracted them — but if there’s a pretty girl around, he probably saw her long before you did. And, he likely battles staring more than you will ever understand.
He doesn’t want you to be his mother. You can say “Ouch!” if you need to, but men want a wife, not a mom. I hear this from men frequently — especially young men. If you’re a mom they want you to be a great mom — just not theirs. I know we need mothering sometimes. All of us do. We may even act like big babies at times. But, mothering a husband never works. Ever. Be our partner. Our best friend. Not our mother.
When you correct him you hurt him. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need correcting. He might. But, the way you do this is huge. Your respect for him is huge for him. His greatest emotional need. That could be in how he fixes the bed — or the fact that he doesn’t — or for things far worse. If he senses you are talking down to him — not respecting him — he may comply with your wishes in actions (or not) but inside his heart will be growing colder towards you.
He loves you uniquely. He probably won’t love you all the ways you expect him to love. And, frankly, he won’t be all the love you need him to be. He may not always feel love as an emotion as strongly as you do. Your heart is capable of much more than he can fill completely. There will be times — hopefully even seasons when he does — but no man will meet every need of your heart. (Other than the man Jesus.)
What he does really is who he is many times. It’s his identity. If it’s golf, his career, fishing, antique cars or his extensive comic book collection — that’s a part of him. When you miss that or don’t value it he may feel like less of a man.
He probably thinks you’re more wonderful than you think he does. He probably thinks higher of you than you do. How you look. What you’re able to do. e wonders how you keep up with everyone and everything as you do. He may even envy that about you. And, he has a strong desire to protect you because of his view of you. He respects you — probably more than he knows how to communicate to you.
Guys, anything you would add?
My primary complaint: some of these sound like you’re just saying “he’s not that bad,” or, “he’s not as bad as you think.” Rather than saying, “[yout husband, as a man] is a wonderful creation of God, created very different than you — and that’s a good thing — and understanding him in those terms is a lifelong process, the same as true of you in reverse.” (As you previously wrote about women to their husbands.
I h’ve loved your ministry.
Another rule: Forget to realize that your husband is in as much pain as you are after/during a traumatic event or during a time that is difficult for both of you.
This could include money problems or losing a job; parents' health problems; a child with a drug or alcohol problem, or, in our case, the death of a child (followed, and I know this sounds like it's out of the Book of Job, a flood 4 weeks later).
When our teenage daughter died, I managed the funeral. My wife exploded at me every time I told her what the coroner, police, funeral director, cemetery manager and tombstone carver said. She also criticized me for comments I made – comments as simple as asking her mother if she had had a good night's sleep. I was her punching bag, and I could barely function. I bit my lip each time, was never hugged by her, and by the time the funeral was over, was ready to run away or throw her out.
After three months, I asked her to go to marriage counseling, and she refused. I had already begun withdrawing from her, and withdrew further when she refused.
Over the next three years, she never said anything positive about my relationship with our deceased daughter, and kept coming up with isolated events when she felt I had slighted our daughter, such as a time – once – when I forgot to say hello to her. She also would tell me that our deceased daughter was my least favorite child.
She filed for divorce with no notice and left in a rage, leaving me with the kids as she moved back with her family 200 miles away. She blamed me for everything.
Don't assume that because your husband is a man, he doesn't feel and can withstand anything. He can't.
Wow. This is huge. But so helpful. Praying for you.
Oh, my gosh, how painful for you. Whether you stay together or not, your wife needs to forgive you for anything you did or didn't do regarding your daughter, may she rest in peace. You've endured some abuse, here. My heart goes out to you, as I can relate on some level.
I/m sorry that this happened to you, but I hope you spoke up. If you men learned how to just open your mouths and try to communicate then we would listen. Just talk!
I’m having trouble understanding the staring at pretty women one. We all notice attractive people, that’s not just limited to men, but if he was in love with his wife, why would he have to battle with himself to try and not drool over another woman? Would he not think that his wife was beautiful, and wonderful, and no other woman could ever compare to her? If he was happily married to the love of his life, and was focused in her, he shouldn’t even notice other women to that extent, that’s he’s having to battle with himself over it. To me, that just sounds like he has very little respect for his wife, and really doesn’t think that highly of her.
Again, you probably can't understand it. And, the reason he battles — and most men win the battle — is because of the respect and love he has for his wife.
KiKi…..I AGREE WITH YOU 100% PLUS!!!!!!!!!! If your husband is staring at another woman especially for her beauty…….then what does he have his wife for? I may glance and sometimes compliment a good looking guy but there’s nothing to battle! I enjoy looking at my husband NOT no other man!!! “Battle?” What battle????…..All I can say ladies… Watch out for those footholds…. You’re leaving the door open for “cheaters” Just sayin’
I would love to suggest you read “For Women Only” and buy him “For Men Only”. Great books to better understand each other. They are by Shaunti Feldhan. Also, there's a whole series of best selling books on the “battle” beginning with “Every Man's Battle”. He would read them and understand. Even the title.
I haven’t read the books Ron suggests, but I can tell you I was freed by a wise Christian counsellor who pointed out that, as men we are biologically wired to notice “attractive” women (those who don’t know say it’s an evolutionary trait, but it is genetic) – essentially, he says/I believe, the first look is beyond our control, as much as we must breath, or the law of gravity, but we, as Christian men, are responsible to God and our wives for the second look, and our thoughts after that.
The first is only temptation, and everyone is tempted, after that we must resist — and we shouldn’t “beat ourselves up” (nor should others judge us) for noticing, but what we do about it is on us men.
What makes some of these lists interesting to me is that while I agree with your list, women read them through the filter that is the female mind. …and the verse is also true.
As much as we try to understand each other, we don't have the actual experience to fully understand even what we mean we describe ourselves to one another.
True
Husbands need help with communicating with their wives about how we feel. We have no problems talkng about who's supposed to win the big game or giving our opinion on the latest, big world event, but we need help communicating how we feel about almost everything that involves deep and true discussion. It's not that we don't want to. It's that we don't know how to do it. Opening up is scary and while you are the one person that we should have no problems being vulnerable with, it's still a hard thing to do.
Very true. Thank you.
but whyyyyyy? I just can't understand it
Great post!! How about a followup on how men can talk with their wife about these….. 🙂
Ha!
Reactions are just reactions. They don’t always reflect our true feeling about somethings.
That's good
Thanks for the toe stomp this morning Ron. Sadly I needed this …
Honesty is humbling.
Ladies,
As a helpmeet and wife it would be time better spent than to try and understand but rather to accept that the nature of a man and the nature of a woman are two very different things. As a woman I understand it is a battle for my husband to manage the responsibilities of his own eyes. I see it two ways. 1. They are his eyes and I have a beam in mine. 2. I consider it a great compliment to the condition of our relationship both emotionally and sexually when he does exercise great self control with his eyes.
The stronger we have become the more secure I have become. The more secure I am the more attractive I am to him also as a woman. The freer I am with him intimately also secures us both. All of these things along contribute to admiring and respecting him always and every day. He is 2nd only to Jesus. When he is confident of my confidence in him I find his eyes looking right into mine when we are at dinner no matter who is around.
Angi (married 6 years)