I get a request about once a month from a man or woman.
“Pastor can you convince my wife (or husband) to stay?”
Sadly, I’ve lost a few friends this way. They wanted me to have magical words or supernatural powers of persuasion. The reality is it seldom works. In years of doing this I’ve learned:
- I can’t change a heart.
- There are no magic words
- I have no special powers
- Begging doesn’t work
All I can usually do is what they can do. I can pray. I can ask God to intervene.
I’ve also learned, however, that sometimes He does…and for whatever reason…sometimes He doesn’t. Sometimes God even allows people to make decisions they later regret.
My best work is always on the preventative side.
Pastor, what’s your experience in this area of ministry?
This hit home Ron, as everything else you post does. I had this happen just last week, and it happens a lot. A guy told me, "I'm not expecting you to save my marriage or anything." Just by saying that, he is expecting me to do that. It is hard to lovingly give someone what reality looks like and how much I can actually help someone or a couple. Great stuff.
For those who need this, I've written a couple other posts that may help.
https://ronedmondson.com/2010/07/advice-for-me…
https://ronedmondson.com/2009/03/winning-back-…
Your post on winning back the heart of your wife was one of the first resources I found in trying to keep my marriage afloat. So…I'm not a pastor so don't have any words of wisdom. I'm a man in the situation where I might be sitting in your office asking how I can keep my wife from leaving and bring her back. I'm still struggling with that after two years and it's very likely that she will still leave. Let me share a couple of things that I think you should NOT do as a counselor. First, don't just pull out the Bible and say here.. do this. While that might be the "right" thing to do, in my case my wife, a Christian, is totally uninterested in that…it's like I spent years not doing that so why should she. Treat every case like a round peg trying to go into a square hole. You have to speak truth into the situation, but every case is going to be different and you have to take that approach.
If either party is amenable to conversation try referencing Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas or Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. Both these books have some good basic truths in them. Also, don't avoid Biblical references such as Eph 5:22-33. And also Isa 40:31 on waiting on the Lord.
Basically what's been said so far is great…you can NOT change her heart, but you can use wise discernment and tools such as I have experienced to perhaps get the conversation going. In my case, most of these have not worked on my wife's heart… I'm to the waiting on the Lord stage and trying to love her unconditionally every day.
I just the words, I have no magic, don't have a pill you can take, a chant you can say, a line you can step across, and make it all better. Feels pretty powerless, which it is.
I was a counselor before I became a pastor so I dealt with this situation many times. Usually it is the man leaving the woman. Not that women don't leave, but men usually don't come and ask for help.
The hardest thing to overcome is that usually when someone decides to leave, its because he has, or thinks he has, something better to go to. Whatever you do to try and talk him into staying, whether it be attacking or begging, usually confirms that what he has to go to is better.
The one being left behind has to become better than what the person leaving fell in love with in the first place if there is a chance to overcome the "better on the other side" problem.
Become love and be love every chance you are given. Start to go on with your life knowing you may get him back and you may not. I don't mean go find another interest. Become love. Use the 1 cor 13 passage as a love checklist. Whenever you have an interaction with the "leaver" be patient, kind, ……
Anger and begging never works. It just pushes. Love pulls.
Great book I’ve found “Marriage on the Rock” by Jimmy Evans. I keep copies to give away.
Great CD set as well to listen to on long commutes.
HHr
I have noticed that whether with a situation like this or something else, if a man/woman have their mind made up, there is very little i can do to change it. i am not discounting God changing a heart but for the most part, many of them have already discounted God's heart in it. Meanwhile, my heart breaks and i feel inept for not being able to do something, anything, to help.
I have a man in my church who came to me recently with this issue. All I knew to do was to pray with him and loaned him a booklet I had on marriage.
I just met with a man last evening who is struggling with how to win back his wife’s trust. He’s just starting to realize the mess they’re in. No magic words will ever repair the damage, only the power of God will do. He is now coming to church and is seeing God’s love in action.
It’s a sad circumstance, yet I can see God working in his life and that’s exciting!
I've never been asked to counsel a situation like this. I've watched them happen and have poured into them before but never counsel directly. It's got to hurt, I know. But I learned the hard way very early about my ability to change hearts. Just like you said, we can't. Only God can. Throwing up a prayer for you today Ron.