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Advice for Men after the Wife Says the Marriage is Over

By July 8, 2010May 10th, 2012Christians, Encouragement, Fear, Marriage, Prayer

I hope you don’t need this post. It is for a select audience.

After I have answered a question too many times to count, I figure more people have the same question. One of the issues I see frequently is what happens to men when their marriage caves in around them and their wife no longer wants the marriage to work. This could be because of simple neglect over the years or an affair, but she wants out and he wants her to stay. When this happens, a man often becomes a vulnerable puppy of a man and literally doesn’t know what to do next. (I’ve sadly seen it so many times, especially recently.) It could be his fault or her fault, but at this point, the man just wants to save his marriage.

Here are a few suggestions I gave a while ago to a man in this situation. Although this is a personal reply to one man, I believe it may have application for many man in this situation. One thing needs to be clear, however; you must own your decision. You know your situation far better than anyone else. These suggestions are based on experience with dozens of marriage situations, but they are simply my opinions and not designed as professional advice.

If you are in the immediate days and weeks after your wife has indicated she thinks the marriage is over, this is what I suggest:

1. Don’t beg. You are likely much more broken and emotional right now than normal, but women are attracted to a man’s strength, not as much his emotional side. (Even if they say they are…over time they want to see strength.) She needs to know you are hurting, but not see you as weak. That balance is hard to strike, but important to find.

2. Sometimes writing a letter works better than talking in person, because you can share your true heart, think through your words, etc, without all the emotions being involved. When the relationship is especially strained, we tend to say the wrong things, which backs the other spouse into a corner, causing defenses to rise and emotions to take over the conversation. Read THIS POST about how to write this type letter.

3. As hard as it is, after you’ve told your spouse your heart and what you want, you have to give her some space. Honestly, she’s probably feeling crowded right now. After a woman has wrestled through this as long as she has, when she’s done, she’s done. That doesn’t mean her heart can’t change later, but for now she feels smothered almost to be around you. I’m not trying to add to your hurt here. I am simply giving you the reality from what I have seen many times. That’s why she may talk about one of you moving from the house. Chances are this was a very long process for her and you just found out how severe it is for her. That’s typical.

4. Build yourself up physically, emotionally and spiritually as much as trying to save your marriage. You’ll need that in days to come regardless of what happens and it will make you more attractive. In these days, you should draw closer to the heart of God than you ever have before.

5. Seek professional help. You probably aren’t as capable right now of making wise decisions. Find someone to help you do this. Ideally this would be professional Christian counseling with you and your wife, but could be a mature friend or minister. Regardless, get personal help if your wife will not go with you.

6. Do your best not to make stupid mistakes during this time. It’s hard to do, because you are vulnerable, but you don’t want the marriage set back further than it is. Spend time in personal reflection, asking God and yourself what you did to contribute to this situation. If you already know your blame, seek God’s forgiveness, your spouse’s and anyone else you have injured.

7. Surround yourself with a few other men you can trust. Be accountable, open and honest with them. It’s especially helpful, and they are plentiful, to find men who have walked where you are walking and survived.

8. Realize that any change of heart in your spouse is going to take longer than you would hope it would. A woman’s heart usually changes slower than a man’s heart. Be patient. Pray that God brings the right people and influences in her life and that her heart changes towards you.

Please know I’m praying for you as I type this. My prayer is that your marriage will be saved, your wife’s heart will change, and the two of you will grow a marriage that glorifies God. Also, again, this post is not professional counsel. You didn’t pay me to receive this, so don’t hold me accountable for it’s success. I can’t stress enough that every situation is different. I would suggest, although, that these situations often have similar characteristics. Hopefully some of this will help.

Men/Women, what would you add to this?

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Ron Edmondson

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Thank you for this post Ron, I need it. It's crazy how God will ALWAYS supply you with an on-time word from someone that is there to help.
1 reply · active 418 weeks ago
check out _Understanding the Mind of a Woman_. It is the only resource that I've seen that can teach a man how to love his wife as Christ loves the church and woo her back.
1 reply · active 454 weeks ago
I agree with some of your points, but the biggest mistake a person can make is to tell to many people or all your friends. Like crying on everyone's shoulder. It can make things worse.
Pray to the Lord, talk to a pastor and a close friend that you can trust. In my personal exp. The Lord is the only one that can really help.
5 replies · active 462 weeks ago
One additional point that may be more specific than generic since it's possible that the relationship may not get this far. I've gotten to a point in my marriage where my wife and I do interact some. Some days it's sparse and some days it's quite significant. My stance here is that I am commanded to love her unconditionally. It's not based on anything she does or says, I just do it anyway. I present to her every day a consistent picture of a loving committed Christian husband. I try to be husband, provider, protector, and servant. One of my favorite books is "Sacred Marriage". In one chapter the author talks about not loving her "because", but loving her "anyway". And so I do.
1 reply · active 405 weeks ago
I begged. It is one of the biggest mistakes I made. Because I'm not sure it was from a sincere place - but from a place of desperation, and my ex didn't care at that point anyway.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
it was very interesting to read.

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?

And you et an account on Twitter?
1 reply · active 454 weeks ago
Keep God First's avatar

Keep God First · 740 weeks ago

Focus on "what we can do now" face-to-face, and sort out the things that you know you have not been able to resolve alone, with a counselor.

If there is only one thing left that is being done as a team, become someone your wife can depend on to do your part. I don't know how other wives feel, but much of the time I feel like I've been doing marriage and parenting by myself most of the time.

It would be nice if husbands in this situation would do something other than pretend things are fine, blow up and give up, or ignore problems in hopes that they will go away by themselves. Ken Sande's "The Peacemaker" is a great tool for learning how to resolve conflict... discerning "forgiveness issues" from problems which require work in order to remove the alienation caused by sins against one another.

I think a stronger commitment to keeping accounts short (from now on) is in order.

Communicate daily about the things you are frustrated about, be honest and transparent, and confess your sins against her to her so that God can bring about the process of redemption and reconciliation in your marriage, just as He does in our relationship with Him.

Learn to fail her honestly instead of stuffing frustration and hiding things you know would hurt her if she knew.

Take the initiative to build her trust. For example, if one of the problems was pornography, don't label it a forgiveness issue and leave it as her problem. Move the computer to the family room, have her set up Safe Eyes, and don't ask for the password.

Go into one of the children's rooms after work and guide them through the process of sorting out their dresser drawers. I've been doing that for over 20 years, by myself.

The Bible reminds us love can overcome a multitude of sins; do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.
1 reply · active 740 weeks ago
Ron, I just found this post, and wish I had discovered it when you first wrote it. Thanks for your words of wisdom, and allowing the Holy Spirit to use you to reach so many of us out here who have completely blown it with our wives.
anonymous's avatar

anonymous · 670 weeks ago

Don't forget to ask her to stay. When I left my husband of 23 years, he quoted Scripture to me, he tried to manipulate the situation, he cried to the leaders of our church. But it never occurred to him to simply say, "Please don't go." Maybe he was too proud to do that. Would I have stayed if he had asked? I don't know. All I'm saying is please don't be so hell-bent on making her see the error of her ways that you forget to ask her to stay.
1 reply · active 454 weeks ago
If he has proven untrustworthy he could try getting serious about "it will never happen again". He needs to learn what integrity is, and live it in every part of his life so that she can see that he is spiritually changed. That can take a very long time, so he needs to be patient. Of course, there does come a point when she has heard the sweet words so many times, and seen them broken an equal number of times, that there really is nothing left to work with. He has killed her love for him, but even if a thread of it remains, her trust is gone, and without that there is nothing. Let it go. There is nothing you can do.
1 reply · active 454 weeks ago
Thanks be to God for reminding me there is hope. Though I do not know what the result will be on and after Christmas Day and especially in the new year, I pray and want to courageously trust God. Thank you for your post.
Thank you. Too many of us don't treat our wives as the princesses they are. We're young in our marriage and I already struggle with that. I love her more than I can say, but I still have such a hard time with being selfish until I've hurt her. Thank you for your advice. I know God lives and I trust him to bless me through the atonement of his Son Jesus Christ.
I appreciate this advise its to the T and im glad it came from a man of the lord 🙏thank you , Brandon
Thank you for this advice
I need advice on what to do my wife says is over bcos ile's too much to her but thanks her she make me to see jesus what i can do ppl
i dont treat my wife like a princesse she is now is callin the married off what can i do .....
Ron I hope this works for me I have had a messed up past and my wife wont let it go. I always said i was going to get help and never did. But now im in counseling and on medication to help. The hardest part is that she says shes done but when she came to the house to get the rest of her things I held her and kissed her and she didnt pull away. Im so lost im not sure what to do anymore. Im trying to improve myself and i started making changes in my life already. I just dont want to lose my marriage after five years and im not trying to lose her after nine years of beimg together. I wasnt the best husband I could of been and I know that. I want to show her after time things will get better and I want to start a family with her and I know she wanted the same thing. I keep praying to god asking forgiveness and I sit at my grandmothers grave site to ask forgiveness and assistance in life. My gram loved her to death and I feel like I failed her and everyone else. I love my wife and she is my soul mate and I cant live without her. Any advice will be appericated cause I need it thanks
1 reply · active 420 weeks ago
I've hit the wall, my wife just got back from her fathers house out of town and before she left she told me that she is done trying to make this work that she's not going to divorce me but she cannot promise she's gonna turn everything around and pretend to be in love with me. She said she was gonna just give this relationship over to God. Honestly that's all I could ask for at this point. When she got back from her dads she was distant and said she didn't want to come back. She told me "I don't know if I can make this work, that she dosnt have It in her. I didn't, although extremely hard to do, try to convince her to stay although I did slip. I know in my heart I want her to be happy but I truly believe I can get there with her. We rushed into the marriage but I do believe God can fix this. I'm staying a a buddies house until she contacs me but until then all I can ask for is your prayers for us that God will bring her back and I can be there for her in the way she needs. I pray for all of you that are suffering as well.
Don't let other people define who you are, define yourself.

Firm and loving training will keep you and your dog happy-and keep you guys together.

So, let's start out and look at a brief and basic description of what an alpha male is.
My husband told me on thanksgiving night he's not sure he wants our marriage of 16 years to work. I left for 2 days but returned home after I felt God telling me I needed to. After I returned home I told him he could have the time he needed to sort this out. Since then he has slept on the couch & in his truck. He is now sleeping in our bed with me, but he doesn't speak to me & only mumbles he loves me in front of the children (ages 8 & 10). He says his spiritual life is fine & that when he prayed about our marriage God told him, "whatever happens, happens". I told him that was wrong because he can't back it up with what the Bible says. He became very angry & became angry when I suggested we pray together. He is still attending church with me & pretends everything is fine. I am still telling him I love him, being polite, but other than that am not speaking to him in order to give him the time he has requested. I have turned it over to God. I am walking closer to God now than I ever have & am honestly thankful for this time. Please pray for him & our marriage & our family. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I've just been told, yesterday in fact, that my wife wants to leave me. I am devastated and needed to read this today.
1 reply · active 566 weeks ago
I know this is an older post. I could use some of those prayers. I found out in January that my wife was having an affair and life has been hell since. She just told me today that she is not sure she can try anymore and doesn't have enough to give. I know I need give space but it also scares me to do so. I can't believe this is happening. Going to try and use some of your advice though. Thank you for writing this.
1 reply · active 554 weeks ago
I neglected my wife. I unfortunately took her for granted and let her be alone. She found solace in the attention of another man. This went on for months under my nose w/o me noticing or realizing it.

She tells me MONTHS later that she loves another man. He doesn't even live close. He lives across the country. They talk often and she says she will not stop talking to him.

I've asked her to make this work out. We've been together 8 1/2 years, married 6 1/2. We have wonderful boys too.

I don't know what to do. I've made the mistake of begging, smothering her. She asked me to give her space. I don't know if she wants space so I leave her alone or she's really overwhelmed w/ me. She hasn't moved out of my house. She says that's what she's doing in "trying to make our marriage work." To me, that means nothing. She shows zero affection, nothing. She's always on her phone chatting on facebook w/ this individual. Ironically, he claims to be a man of God. A.A. in the West Coast.. Pretty crazy.

He is NOT the problem. He is a symptom of this. He is a symptom of my neglect, but she let him in her heart and didn't stop it. SHE has to stop it. I don't know if she's way over the edge for me to bring her back.

I pray to God daily for strength, wisdom and for Him to remove the veil over her eyes and see that it's the wrong thing to do. It'll hurt us, our children and our families. She is acting like a 15 year old w/ her first crush, not a mom with kids, a 35+ year old.

I am so desperate and sad. I want our family to come back. If you read this, please pray for us. That's the only thing that I think will bring change. We need a miracle. Thanks.
1 reply · active 551 weeks ago

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