Sometimes in marriage, things have to get worse before they can get better. Don’t be afraid to let that process work. If there is a continuous major problem in the marriage, find the courage to address it.
I’ve met numerous couples where there is an obvious major problem, but the offended party is afraid to deal with the issue. I’m not referring to minor differences, such as whether the toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom…that’s easy stuff…(top, of course)…I’m talking about those non-negotiable concerns in a marriage.
Things such as…
Physical or verbal abuse…Confidence crushing negativity towards the other spouse…Substance abuse…Extreme laziness or not supporting the family… blatant neglect…
If you have a serious issue in your marriage, you have to push through the problem as difficult as that process will be.
I realize when I give this advice some immediately rebel against it, because they fear their marriage will be pushed over the edge if they address the problem. When there is a severe crippling problem in a marriage that goes unchallenged, however, one spouse will suffer in more areas of life than just the marriage. (If this is your situation, you already know that to be true.) The problems in the marriage will affect the person’s health, job performance, and entire well-being, not to mention the marriage will never be all God intends it to be.
When the injured spouse refuses to face reality and address the issue, I usually ask him or her one question:
Are you going to be satisfied with your life and this marriage if nothing changes or improves with this situation for the next 20 years?
The fact is that more nagging won’t help. Worrying about the problem will not make it go away either. If the answer to my question is no, then some action must be taken if you have any hope for improvement.
Obviously, I can’t offer specific advice in a short blog post. Your situation is unique, complicated, and personal, but I can encourage you to get some personal counseling. Force the issue. Work through the problem together. Allow it to make you stronger in the end, but don’t be afraid to address the hard stuff.
Do you have an example of this principle in your marriage? Have you and your spouse had to work through a serious problem before you could make your marriage better?
Hi, am in trouble. Am with my husband for 8 years now, married for 4 years. I was ok with his very laid back character last time but now am not. Its a problem to us now! I dont like his lazy attitude and not happy about him.
Is that true that, compatibility does exist? I have been trying to accomodated and encourage him for the past many years. Am just very tired and sick about it. Could anyone please help?
I understand Bob. Life's normal struggles are enough to wreck a marriage without the added major struggles. I'm praying for you! Hang tight to your faith!
Twitter: bobbalkcom
says:
In a similar situation, though we're both open to counseling. We've been through a lot – house disaster combined with severe illness (wife and son). My wife's illness continues. My son has experienced healing – in many ways). Unfortunately, the stresses of daily life when added to things like that easily turn each partner into what we call "task masters" – just getting "things" done – relationship suffers. Honestly, we needed the counseling back in the middle of all that. Are struggling now.
Thank you, Ron, and others commenting for your hearts and transparency.
Will pray for you as well. I know that this sounds easy for me to say, but believe me, it's taken years for me to get to this point. Just put it in His hands. Pray for His guidance every day. And every day try to seek out and do His will and always be a servant to your wife and son; especially to your wife. This is where He's taken me and I know that no matter what He has for me on the other side of this situation, it's going to be OK because I have Him and I will always love my wife.
Thanks Jon!
Thanx Ron, appreciate your comments here and on the post on The ways of God. Praying also for a supernatural hand in my wife's heart to turn it back towards me and to preserve our marriage.
God still does miracles!
Maggie, I can relate. For years I didn't walk right with God and that in turn played out in my marriage. I was very cold and cruel to my wife verbally and attitudinally. Not a complete jerk, I could do really nice things for her and was always there when she really needed me. But overall I treated her poorly. This was exacerbated by her response, or lack thereof, to me which created a downward spiral. She finally drew a line in the sand and I woke up. I went to counseling and she came with me for a while. My relationship with God is back on track and she really has had a "perfect" husband for the last year. But she is closed to any more counseling and says that she doesn't love me and wants to separate. I am devastated, yet continue working daily to follow Him and be a servant to her. I know that counseling would be a great help, but at the moment I have no inroads to her heart. I wish I had seen all of this sooner and taken care of it years ago. I'm still hopeful that healing is possible as I love her so incredibly much. I don't understand her unwillingness to seek help as she had been a big proponent of it in the past.
Jon your honesty ia not only refreshing it’s helpful to those with similar struggles. Thanks for your willingness to share. Praying for you
I'm in the it gets worse before it gets better part. It's so bad that I'm afraid my marriage will end. And the problem went on for years, and I am now only becoming aware of it. My husband say that he didn't believe I loved him for years that he tried to talk to me about it and now his feelings are dead. Trouble is it wasn't and isn't true. Healing will take a long time. How I wish I knew sooner
I'm so sorry you are wading through this now. You are right…handling these type situations early makes it so much easier, but I'm glad you are willing to allow the healing process to take place. Praying for you as it does! Thanks for sharing.
I think you're exactly right. In most things, it gets worse before it gets better. That's okay though, easy fixes are usually short lived.
Thanks Ben.
Thanks for mentioning counseling. I’m a huge believer in it. The time I spent in counseling (with a Christian husband/wife team) was crucial for me as a person. It forced me to go head-to-head with my own fears, wounds, etc. Though it didn’t save the marriage in the end, I came away from the experience much stronger, wiser, healthier, and full of faith. If you find a counselor who puts God before all else and you determine to be utterly transparent about those major issues, you can’t go wrong.
Thanks Victoria. I wish the stigma of asking for and receiving help would go away. We all need help at times.
My wife and I both had problems with this kind of dishonesty in previous relationships that we knew was a major cause of the relationships ending. Now, when we know the other is hiding something, we slug it out so to speak. We get it out and deal with it until it's done. It hurts while it's happening, we feel angry for a little while but then we're able to get all that behind us and move on. We just feel it's better to be irritated and angry for one day and then solve the problem than let it fester and eat at us for months.
Jason, i love that last sentence! So wise!
Jason, thanks for your honesty in this comment and others you have shared. I think that transparency helps ward off the dishonesty you've experienced in the past!
This is an incredible post Ron. You are encouraging so many including me and my husband and the vision team. Thank you for allowing GOD to work through you and share this tough stuff. I can attest to addressing it. Eventually if you don't the secrets just get worse. God is such an amazing source to heal those places. May he continue to bless us all as healing takes place. ~
Thanks Katherine. Some of the hardest moments of our life lead to some of the greatest…provided we head in the right direction.
Weeds don't go away by just ignoring them or mowing off the tops so that they'll look like there are none.
Not addressing big problems affects our spiritual lives, our children, our jobs… everything.
Jesus tells us go and make things right even before coming to his altar, and he tells us to hold our marriages in high regard above all other human relationships.
Marriages won't ever be the same when we confront big problems. Like surgery or chemotherapy, dealing with big problems can be excruciatingly painful. But facing them with determination to seek resolution as a team may begin the process to make marriage better than it ever was.
Good illustration! Thanks for reinforcing my point in a colorful way!