I wish it never happened to anyone and I hope it never happens to you, but in my job I hear it almost every week. It’s a word we are afraid of, one that can destroy, and certainly one that will break a heart. Sometimes people admit to it, but mostly they deny it.
The word is AFFAIR.
I once thought that word was guaranteed to end a marriage, but after seeing countless marriages put back together and actually strengthened following an affair, I now believe it definitely does not have to be the final chapter of a marriage.
Again, I hope you never hear the word, but if you do, here are some steps to take:
- Expect numbness. For the first few days or even weeks you may not feel anything. That’s okay.
- Decide where you want to go with the marriage. Do you want to make it work or not? This is something both of you must decide. You will not be able to move forward in any direction until you do. (This may take a week or a month or more, but if you want to save the marriage, you have to make that decision.)
- Get counseling quick. This is not an issue you can solve on your own or just ignore. If you intend to save the marriage (which I hope you do) then you will need help.
- Get a plan to restore your marriage and work the plan. This will be a difficult, long process, but the results are worth it.
- Eventually you will need to forgive your spouse for the hurt he or she has caused you. This is a work of grace, but it is necessary to restore the marriage.
- Build safeguards into your life to protect your marriage in the future.
- Invest in other marriages. Once your marriage is healthy and you’ve recovered, you will have valuable experience to help others. Don’t be afraid to let God use you in this way.
This post addresses the offended party, not the one in an affair, but even for you, the word “affair” doesn’t have to end your marriage. I’m praying for those who read this that it won’t mean that for yours.
Feel free to comment with tips, stories, resources, or suggestions of your own. Our goal should be to strengthen and save marriages.
Add the word REGRET in my last post near the end where I said I have never met ANYONE who did not regret getting divorced as a result of an affair. Please, please, please, separate if you need to for a while, for a year if needed, but don't divorce!! 6 months to a year after you divorce, you will both regret it! And if you have kids, the research is pretty clear on how devastating a divorce can be to children.
Good words. Thanks for sharing from experience.
I am currently going through this again with my husband. This is his second major affair, although he has had lots of others that were just one night stands. (He was a touring musician) The one piece of advice I can give to people to safeguard their own marriage is that you MUST talk to your husband and let him know how much he means to you and how much you treasure him and even his body. My husband did not feel like I loved him any more and that I was not attracted to him. He also did not feel respected or valued in our home and our life together with our 2 children. He admits that he checked out mostly because he was unwilling to communicate his needs to me but through the course of working through this affair, I was able to tell him how much I truly needed him, how much I treasure him and his body ( and how deep the hurt is knowing that he shared it with someone else), and I also asked for ways that I can show him respect. Many days I wake up so angry and so depressed that we are going through this again but if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is that we are FINALLY communicating and talking and sharing things and reconnecting physically. Please: DON'T DIVORCE!!! I know it seems easier just to divorce and move on but that is what society says you should do. I have never met ANYONE who did not getting divorced as a result of an affair. You can make it through this! God is there for you and will help you through it.
I'd like to hear more from you on point #6…building safeguards…thx
Try this post. https://ronedmondson.com/2009/12/7-ways-i-prot…
ive been threw it , u need to find one person in your life that you can trust before you make a big mistake and get out . i talked to my dad because i new he would give me the best advise . and thank god he did . then you need to turn to jesus christ and pray . if you want your marriage to work . in my situation we both wanted it to work so we went counseling , therapy and most i turned to god . you have to trust in him .its been 6 months since i found about the affair but its been 2and half since the affair . she didnt tell me about it bacause she loved me so much she couldnt lose me and she had felt so bad she was on the verge suicide , so i had to be strong for her and our children but now i feel now our marriage is stronger than ever. i have forgave her but the bible says i need to forgive the man she had the affair with (my worst enemy) but how do i do that ?
David, this is great advice. I don't know how to tell you to forgive the man. I am writing a post about that subject for next week, but this is going to be a process. I think one way is to see yourself as forgiven, and in light of that, extend it on Christ's behalf and not your own. Praying for you and your marriage. Glad you two weathered the storms of life and came out better!
Ron,
Thanks for sharing this. I am the one suffering the effects of my husbands affair. I love him and we are trying to work out our marriage. We are unable to attend counseling right now because this has been a trickle effect of him losing his job(co worker and he), lost health insurance on us and our 4 children, and this was 6 months ago. he is still unemployed. My counselor cant see us because she is costly..so we wait..and try…and a good book others could use is AFTER THE AFFAIR…I wish there were more blogs and people talking about AFFAIRS because they are more prominate in the work place anymore…I know of many offices where this is a everday occurence. It is unfathomable that this is allowed to happen in our society with no remorse or consequences…We are attending church regularly now and strengthing our marriage..I hope our 15 year marriage is stronger than ever by this…Thanks for sharing…Love, marci
thanks for this ron… i will send this to several individuals i am counseling now on this very thing.
matthew Costner’s last blog post.."umbrella" (Jesus style)