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9 Suggestions for Winning Back The Heart Of Your Wife

By November 14, 2016Encouragement, Marriage

In working with marriages in distress I’ve discovered most men have injured the women in their life emotionally, at least at some level. To understand how this can happen one needs to first understand one of the ways men and women are usually different. Most men are predominantly thinking beings – they receive and process experiences in life in a predominately rational and logical way. If someone says something which offends a man he will accept or dismiss it based on whether it is true.

Most women are different. Women are usually more in tune with their emotions. They are often more relationally aware. When life happens to them their dominant reaction is often to respond emotionally first. When someone hurts a woman’s feelings, for example, even though the information they receive may be false, it takes them longer to work through the feelings associated with the emotional injury. 

(Of course both of these two paragraphs are general statements, but they ring true for most men and women.) I would contend though – every woman’s heart is injured to a certain extent. (And, fairly, probably every man’s.) Sometimes this injury occurs gradually over time. Sometimes it comes suddenly through serious breaches in the marriage trust.

The heart, speaking in terms of the seat of our emotions, was created much like other parts of the body. When a finger is broken the body is designed to instantly start to heal and protect itself from further injury. When a person takes a swing at you your natural reaction is to put your hands up in defense.

The same is true of the heart. When a person’s heart is injured, it goes into a self-protective mode to keep it from further injury. Over time, after years of injury, the heart becomes almost calloused, refusing to allow anyone to injure the heart again. A woman who has had years of emotional injury doesn’t have much heart left to give to anyone, but especially to the one who has done the injury. She has closed off her heart to keep from being hurt anymore.

Most men enjoy trying to “fix” problems, but men cannot fix their wife’s emotions. Emotions are not repaired as easily as one could fix a leaking faucet or program a computer. So what is a man to do if he feels his wife’s heart is injured? How do you heal a broken heart? 

Of course, Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor. He can come in, erase all the pain, and make the heart brand new. Most of the time, however, at least in my experience, He lets us wrestle with life’s heartache while we learn to better love one another.

The following steps are designed for a man to help heal his wife’s heart. This post developed when a pastor came to me with a horrible story of his wife’s sexual abuse as a child. Even today she struggles to trust any man, including her husband. I gave him this advice.

Here are 9 suggestions for winning back the heart of your wife:

Seek God

Whatever draws you closer to God is a good thing — and will make you a better man, regardless of what happens with your marriage. When you are attempting to rekindle your wife’s love, use this time to develop and strengthen your relationship with God. It starts, as all relationships with God begin, through a recognition of who Christ is and your belief in Him. Start there and grow.

Practice patience.

The first thing men need to do is to recognize restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight. Emotions heal very slowly. Steps should begin to restore an injured heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too soon.

Love your wife

This is by far their greatest need. Most wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is perfection, since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. As imperfect men we will actually never love our wife enough. The wife knows, however, when the husband’s attention is somewhere else. Many men sacrifice their marriage for their careers or other interests. A wife’s love need is new every day. A wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband’s affections. 

I have found for my love for my Cheryl to grow I need Christ’s help. I pray for this often.

Romance her

Every woman has a certain need for romance. Many wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They realize early in marriage this isn’t reality, but their need for occasional romance remains. Most men rarely know how to do this. A man should be genuine, but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife and find ways to give her romance. 

I gave my wife a “romantic” trip to New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk through Central Park, and just enjoy each other. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance category with my wife.

Value words

When a man comes home and says “This house is a mess”, being a mostly factual being, that’s probably all he meant. He looked around, made a physical observation, and stated a factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the information that way. The wife most likely heard lots of negative information, such as, “You have done nothing all day”, or maybe even, “I don’t like you.” This sounds impossible to most guy’s rational minds, but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether it was the intended response or not. Men need to learn how to be gentle with their wives and the words they use.  

One question I ask men, “Would you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?”

Communicate on her terms

Many women communicate best heart to heart – not head to head.  A man should allow his wife to see his heart. He should be willing to be vulnerable with her. Men may need to ask their wives to help them learn how to say things to her. Men cannot talk to their wives as they would their guy friends. Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in communication.

Give constant assurance

Trust is an important need for a woman in relationships. The wife needs to know that her husband is going to be faithful. Men should not take offense, for example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the activities of their day. The wife desires to be a partner in her husband’s life and these details help her provide trust and security in the relationship. A man should also tell his wife frequently he loves her and is committed to her. She needs this consistent assurance.

Learn to Live by Truth

Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions. We need truth. Emotions are often unreliable. A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse. Men should gently, but consistently speak truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life. Over time – truth, when given with love, can help heal damaged emotions.

Keep doing it!

The heart is damaged over years and years of injury. Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small in terms of the magnitude of the incident. Years of emotional injury builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed.  The erasing of the pain will happen just as it was developed – a little bit at a time. The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop. Protecting a woman’s heart must become a lifestyle.

Recently I was talking with a man whose wife is experience deep depression. As I talked with this man it became apparent that, though probably unknowingly, he had been damaging his wife’s heart for years. He cannot seem to understand why his wife is so emotional; “Everything seems to upset her”, he said. The man told me he had tried to help her through her problems and everything they had going against them he could “fix” if she would let him. I am not sure I could have ever convinced this man his attempts at “repair” were probably one of the chief causes of his wife’s broken heart.

Most men tell me they don’t know how to be who their wife needs them to be or wants them to be. I believe if we want to win back the heart of our wife we may need to learn how. It’s never too late to begin!

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Ron Edmondson

Author Ron Edmondson

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Join the discussion 140 Comments

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I do not care what options there are or how good life could still be if I would just move on, and I know I could make it good again,” it might not be what I want, yet I know I could make it manageable… Still I dont care if I was offered wealth, worry free health, a private beach with a super model ninja that assaulted all that bothered me out of my life… That perfect scenario there would not be as amazing or special to me as my sweet, sweet wife that no other being in the multiverse could even hold a candle to,! I love her more every day, even if shes distant and cold towards me. It matters not, cause the truth is when I first felt love for her when we met and I knew she was absolutely one of a kind and everything I thought impossible to feel for someone, was nothing compared to the way I feel for her now. I was a infatuated lovestruck fool that had no idea what love was. Honestly I feel more love and honest admiration for her than ever, and a true appreciation that she is my children’s mother! They have no idea how truly fortunate and blessed they are, because for as a big of fool as I have been for my family’s well being over the last few years, this wonderful woman has gone through unimaginable suffering and heartache caused by yours truly:( But, picked herself up, faced the day no matter the heartache, disappointment and financial trouble that was faced and done a better job than i’ve ever seen anyone under any circumstances, single handedly. I am also after realizing how strong and wise she already is, “30” years only. that I have been a even bigger failure and disappointment throughout the time apart.. Ive literally done everything wrong! She needs space, so I would call her from somewhere else and hammer her already hurt psyche and demand emotional fulfillment for myself from her, because I am sad and my emotional state is shattered, so I demand the immediate Love and attention to heal from someone whose emotions and trust in me caring, I broke, manipulated her into coming right back right when we first had issues, only to do the the same stupid things that harmed her in the first place and cause even more damage and a complete loss of trust and even a anxiety filled mindset that im truly trying to maliciously damage her. I did not see any of that until very recently. I mean your coffee might not even have cooled since the ultimate understanding of what a true terror I have been. To the person that their love and happiness are all I want for her. The person I love the most, I hurt the very, very worst.. I have had a horrible serious of one addiction to another, E.G Pain pills, xanex, alcohol, meth, then after I promised her the world and immediate recovery, HEROIN!!! When I said id do my best, I plummeted to my worst. Drugs and my failure to prioritize my great children and truly guys, ” A perfect wife” I know everyone says that when they are truly in love, thats why love is great, a so gorgous, smart, funny woman that would do anything for you and would give you the coat off her back if you needed it, and just looking at her smiling, loving face has made me truly feel more satisfied than anything ever has in life. * citation needed ” my daughters are my greatest acomplishment, and it doesn’t matter what is wrong they can make it better with a smile and a hug! Yet they are only possible and so perfect because of my Bridgette. So once again she is at the pinnacle of things I love, all I want in life, and everything I have ever had that is good is from her grace. The depthless and constantly growing love and happiness that our my children in my life and to be loved by them for just being who I am, she gave me. So when I hear people talk so callously about divorce or that it happens and to just get over it, I am always appaled at how shallow and unloving like attitudes and actions. So my first thought and question to them is always, ” well if your son or daughter or mom or dad pissed you off, even over and over, even if they let you down or hurt you emotionally, would you, could you simply just axe them from your life and just get over it and go on? You are a very different type of person than me if your answer is yes you could…. No, oh hell no I could never do that to my family… Well I feel that bridgette is my family, more than common law, or words and deeds, more than actually blood, she is my better half, the best emotional highs ever, just her hand hand on my shoulder and a slight kiss from her and to know that no matter what she loves me and appreciates just me would make the apocolypse managble and peaceful because im right where I am happiest with who makes me feel the best and with our girls nothing is closer to perfection for anyone I now see. So I know you are asking well dude if shes great and you feel so much love and joy, What the hell were you doing chasing drugs, not working, spending time with junkies instead of Bridgette and the bubbas? Its painful to even write that, im crying now and I feel sick, as I do every hour of every day. Not only am I hurting beyond what words can express, I also now see after reading so many heartfelt posts and true emotionally driven cries of anguish from everyone dealing with this type of Cataclysm of everything thats worth living for is destroyed and betrayed and you are changed… Even though all anger has flown from me and I now mostly just feel stuff like sadness and depression, alone and guilty, very foolish, immature and weak minded for my addiction struggles, deep loss and a helpless soul crushing despair that im now simply hopeless. but wait, it actually gets worse people. I now realize that even now as im typing some of the feelings I am going through from memories or my own wants and desires are so selfish and once again me putting my self and my immediate happiness above that of my family and a long term secure and safe life for them.. I am stunned that im typing this out! I mean I knew I caused these issues for us all, but hey im hurting now too, so just come make me feel better like you always have and tell me you love me, forgive me and let me know that its ok. Om my goodness how have I been so foolish? AGAIN! after I felt I have done my dumbest behaviors and treated my favorite person like my worst enemy, I now see and truly understand why she has said that im selfish, self centered, not appreciative for her hurt and emotions.. She has asked for space and I can only call over and over again to the point of despair from me, and true insanity from her to ask her how much space, and for how long? When I hear what I dont like I have replied with a very pushy and demanding solution to her, Ive said Bridgette its easy to not be hurt and sad, just do what I want and make me feel better now and I can fix all your problems immediately and everything will be all better and you will see me as a good person again with no memories of any of the shit that got us here…. I dont know how I have actually felt that and expressed it to her, seriously guys, that is how I had felt till a freaking hour ago. Im hurting her more just by claiming I can do those things. Shes asked for room and space to heal herself and I am even now denying her the respect she is asking for, and her insulting her inteligence and how she is even feeling her own emotions… I see why I have been doing that, she is truly that important to me, and I am honestly now a changed man because of my foul treatment and my half hearted attempt at being a good father and husband that was on heroin and meth, ohh and a drunk before that, oh and even better, most of the time I was too busy chasing my next fix to even obtain or keep employment. I would give up before even looking cause I knew I would just fail a urine test for prehire anyway, so why try, she is still here with me, she says she love me even then I know shes hurting and ashamed of me…. I told myself that I was going to stop as soon as I was able and when I could get my emotional turmoil under control and not be a slave to a addiction that I would make sure that we got the life we deserve and I will truly be able to not just tell her I love her and make her laugh, make her feel great in bed, but I would be able to show her and shower her with whatever she might want from life. In reality it didnt matter that she was supporting me, I was simply being a stay at home dad, granted I have always treated my children great and shown them only love and a fun time. I failed at that, I was distant because I was craving drugs and couldnt be my true self, I was hiding the depth of my true problems from her because I didnt want her to look down on me, or see how hooked I was.. I was ashamed of being so shitty and weak in front of my best friend and the person who I wanted to see me as a good man, a friend a confident who she can always come to with any problem, so to keep her trust and good opinion of me, I fucking lied to her and decieved her and when I couldnt explain why I was sick or broke or any other odd behavior, I would solve that problem by leaving my family whos support and love I had to go be with people whos only care for me is if I can help get them high or some ability to profit me and my families losses do for the last year and a half… Yet despite the anger and mistrust she now has towards me, I really feel that she truly loves me still. She doesn’t love what I did to her emotions and the hell I made our life’s because I was to selfish to place her where she belongs at the top of my priorities and to place the way I feel about her as the greatest feeling imagined to be loved, appreciated and wanted by such a beautiful creature with such a great mind and caring soul.

  • AF Whigs says:

    My situation is slightly different: my wife and I have been married almost 20 years. About 8 years ago we were at a low point but I didn’t realize it. She said she planned to leave me in 6 months and ended up sleeping with a good friend of mine. We worked and reconciled and things have been much, much better between us – or so I thought. Recently she’s been getting involved with a much older man who looks a lot like her deceased father. She will still look me in the eye and tell me how happy she is and how she loves me.

    This is all so weird. All I can say is – be honest with yourself. Who you are, your failings and shortcomings. Everyone deserves to be happy, but part of that is being an honest, decent person (at least in my mind it is). I’m likely on the verge of kicking my wife out of the house because she keeps hiding things from me, relationships with other men which she insists are just “friendships”. Of course, if they’re just friends, what’s to hide?

    We all must find our own path, and the path to true happiness starts with looking inward and being honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want. Be a good person and strive to make yourself a better person, always. We can’t control the actions, emotions and desires of others. People make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes and misjudgments are destructive and hurtful to those around us.

    Find peace. Look for things that bring you joy.

  • Chris Mac says:

    30 years married to a virtuous, beautiful women I destroyed. She has no love for me due to years of neglect and mental abuse. The love of my life grew numb and perhaps ashamed of me. God have mercy, help me to turn and end well!

  • Terry says:

    My wife of nearly 10 years took our 2 children and left me 10 weeks ago. I love her dearly.
    She will barely talk with me. What prayers can I say, what can I read, what can I do?

  • Martin says:

    The day the only lady and woman and mother to our two young beautiful and me the father to our two young Boys was told by the woman I love and loved and miss so much in my heart,to be told by her she no longer wants to be with me and no longer wants to be my partner as doesn’t love me and also hates and shouts it at me that I hate you.Then months or even five to six years down the line tells me she no longer wants me in her life any more and wants to dedicate her life to work with the spirit world and doesn’t want a relation ship it killed my whole sole and world.Then when I’m healing a little to be told then that in time she will want a new partner and that I will also be happy with a new partner in the near future why couldn’t the lady I love so much say this to me at first without saying it many many months down the line as she just doesn’t know what this is doing to me and mixing my head up.I also beleave this was well ahead planned thinking back now as a school friend and family friend I beleave she will be with when Alls calmed down will be my exs new partner and she just can’t see I’m not that blind as could see all the cunningness of friends of hers questioning mye many years ago telling and saying look after her at the time my living partner.I will always be my two boys father and have that bond but why the hell do people get involved when it’s none of there business.When all this happens the one person I’ll be having words with is the man she and her family grew up with that I took a disliking to many years ago for asking and telling me to look after her 12 years ago will soon again be having far more positive words for his getting involved in my family when I don’t know him and he don’t know me I’d love answers with thanks Martin,One more man person is also involved here and I know but nobody knows for if he wasn’t jillted at the alter a year ago all this may not be happening to me and my ex and my two Yong sons now.please have u got any positive answers for me I’d be so grateful as don’t and really don’t want to see any more hurt nor harm with thanks Martin.

  • Brad McInturff says:

    I really love her with all my heart and if wasn’t for my way of thinking and being then I’m sure I wouldn’t be going thru this right now! At first I couldn’t have asked for anyone any better cause she was and still is everything to me but me being who I was was slowly pushing her away ! I beg for this with all my heart to come back to who we were before!

  • anthony ke says:

    i have told my wife many times that i am sorry for doing inapproiate things with other women.she says she is tired of hearing sorry.she wants to know why i kissed another womans hand a few time,she wants to know why i spent some nights away from home with friends, she wants to know why i spent some time with another woman that is known for cheating on her own husband sexually and i say i wouldnt cheat on her this way, she wants to know why I lied and continued to go to a place where there was ayoung girl that flirted with me,she wants to know why i stare at certain yonger women with her there, she wants to know why at times i treat my female friends better than her.i get mad and tell her i dont know why. i love her but i dont know how to show it.

  • sramian says:

    have tried all the options that you had mentioned but 8 yrs and shrinking hope. just not sure what to do. she is emotionally cut off and just nothing works.

  • John Hatzimichaels says:

    I have been married to my wife for 22 years. 3rd for both of us. No magic answers or advice here, other than the fact that we still love each other and keep going in spite of each other’s frailties and weaknesses.
    Mistakes, issues & problems from both our sides, but what I have learned thus far, is that there are no sides…we are one and I will always see my wife as part of me. I know I am part of her. Can’t imagine life without her.
    Never give up and always seek the Lord’s help, guidance and His strength. Apart from Jesus Christ and God’s love, we can do nothing on our own.

  • David says:

    I was married to my wife for 7 years. we had a 6 years old daughter who is attending elementary school. my wife left me and the kid and went to leave with her family in another province. she is a woman who doesn't talk too much. many time it is me who does all the talking when things are not right and she will just sit and cry, she will not even talk back at me. she never complaint about anything. many times I do not understand what normally goes on in her mind. all this arguments and fighting happens once a wile. we were doing fine till one time she told me she want to go and visit her family, so I allowed her. once she left and was with her family we usually have good communication through the phone. However one time she called me and said I have mistreated her and assault her so many times, and she said she wont come back to me. however in some instant she will call me again and ask me to assist her with some finance for her needs and I do assist her. but this time its almost a month now she switched off her phone completely which made it hard for me to get in touch with her. I do not know ether she will come back to me or not. what do I do?

  • James says:

    i am not alone I see. My story is very similar , been married for 12 years , 3 beautiful children, and have deeply deeply hurt my wife. And it was all while calling myself a follower of Christ. My wife has completely checked out emotionally and can't express she has any hope. I have confessed my sins to God and her and have asked for forgiveness. I don't want to be that man ever again.
    its hard knowing that there is nothing I can do to restore this marriage, all I can do is find a new way to love her each day . I am in constant prayer seeking Jesus' help, comfort, strength , and wisdom and am now more like Him because of this . I am thankful she is still open to praying with me and cherish anything she can give, Some days it's just still being there .
    The Lord is working, and I'm committed to love her every day even if she leaves. I wish I could take away the pain, I wish I could make her happy again, I wish she could trust me again, but at this point , I have no control over that. I keep pointing her to Jesus as He loves her like know one can. His love is perfect.
    While I will always hope in our marriage, this pain I am going through has brought me to a greater hope in what Jesus has planned . My desire to live the way He wants is my biggest desire.
    As children of God, we need not fear, he has said his power will be made perfect through weakness. We need to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable . He is our refuge and ever present help in times of trouble. Let us put on the helmet of salvation , be strong, and stay firm. Romans 12:12 has been a great encouragement : be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
    The pain is hard, real hard, bring you to your knees in tears hard, but God's grace is sufficient for every need. He will wipe away every tear. Keep praying for your wives, pray that their broken hearts would be healed by Jesus, pray for their protection from the one who still seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. They might not open up to us, but we are called to love them unconditionally and can lift them up before the Lord.
    Jesus is our hope and will never turn us away!

  • Chris says:

    I have been married for one year and I thought everything was perfect and then about six days ago my wife told me that her ex The father of her son told her that he loved her and didn't care she was married and Kister on the cheek and said he was sorry for the way he treated her now give me the fact that we got married about six weeks after she left him spur the moment I loved her I told her for three weeks I was going to get married to her and she thought I was kidding and on the third week she agreed to marry me she told me she love me she didn't want to lose me well she got served child custody papers by her ex about two weeks before we got married I gave up everything to move to Texas with her and now as of four days ago she is having split feelings saying that she loves him 50% with her heart and she loves me 50% with her heart and it just recently came up before she hated his guts before she was mad at him but he realized that he wanted a life with the sun instead of fighting for his son which we were gonna let him see his son and have daddy time but she wants all the time with her son to herself and she's thinking of leaving me and saying that for the past eight months that she's happy but I've heard her things in her past that I have joked about that towards her but certain situations that she has been in not intentionally and now my marriage has about a month she gave me that Tom went to a month and I'm trying to fix it but she doesn't want to talk she doesn't want me texting her while I'm at work even though I'm not doing anything what do I do how do I break her wall down to get my wife back to have her see all the good me and realize that every chance she gave him has dramatically failed they were together for three years he's cheated on her she cheated on him he's glad to hear he's been very aggressive to her and treated her like she was a piece of shit and his her from the world but yet she's forgetting about all that and see in the good that they had momentarily

  • joseph says:

    Thank you. Many women baulk at the idea of submitting to their husbands (Eph 5:22) without realising the husband is commanded to love her to the point of giving up his life as Jesus did (v.23). Timely and godly reminder for husbands to put into practice and wives to appreciate submission.

    • joseph says:

      v.25 rather – "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

  • Matt says:

    I am currently going through a time where I have really hurt my wife emotionally and she has now shut down her emotions for me. For years she has supported, pushed and cared for me with nothing in return. I haven’t been the best husband and I feel like I have tried to fix things which have just made it worse. After reading this article I am definitely going to try this emotional response and take note of the patience side of things. Otherwise I will lose my beautiful wife and the amazing life we had planned together.

    • Ron Edmondson says:

      Praying for you.

      • Chris Russo says:

        I am headed to divorce court soon and I have myself to blame.. I would do anything to have my wife back and our family restored. We have three children. I did some foolish things that I truly regret. Please pray for us. Thank you so much…

  • Brandon says:

    My wife is hurt and broken right now and it kills me. I know I hurt here but not being truthful about our financial situation and it cause her to think of her past. I know what I have to do but how to I respond when she says I feel broken and upset ?

    • Madam Angel says:

      Dear Mr Brandon . I’m a Muslim. Just to share with you that being truthful is always the best.
      Situations may be bad.
      But don’t compromise the importance of transparency.
      Good luck.

  • Tae says:

    I have been going through a lot of problems with my fiance that I have brought upon us. I would be emotionless to her I would show the actions of not caring or not showing interest in her conversation she would try to have with me and not that I did it on purpose but that I didn’t pay any attention that I was doing these actions, and my bad actions rubbed off on her and now she shows me the careless actions that I was doing to her. I was so emotionless to my fiance that at times when we got into arguments and she would start crying I would be quick to shout at her and ask “why do you get so emotional when we argue?” Those words took a such a big toll her after hearing one too many times that she stop showing emotion to me and hiding it. I became so terrible that I got to a point where I wasn’t showing her any type of attention and every time we got into she would shut down and instead of me being there holding her I would walk out and just go smoke hoping that it would just blow off and everything just go back to normal but that didn’t happened it just distanced us from our love and care that she would faithfully show me and I miss it everyday. Right now our relationship is very rocky and she announced to me a couple months she want to be in an open relationship. How do I repair my fiance heart and gain back her care and emotions?

  • Jas says:

    My wife knew about the third party that I'm in to. She noticed the changes and confronted me, and I told her, everything, that I'm with someone. There are things that I want, emotional , concerns, love and care that I often ask my wife, and she couldn't address those needs. The girl came in, filled up the things that I need, we both comfortable to each other, she knew, that I'm married, so we didn't label our relationship. We just hold the "friendship" status. I'm confused as the love goes deep, and I want to end the affair. One day I shutdown the affair, and told my wife about it. I'm just being so selfish. I didn't see the reason why she can't fill it in, she's too busy to taking care of our kids, household chores, work, and she doesn't even have time for herself. Now our relationship is at stake, there are times that, we're good, happy, enjoy things together, but every time she remembered the incident, she'll get mad, now she want space, I don't know how to give that to her, I'm afraid someone would take advantage of our situation. I want to save this marriage. I hope this is just a humps in our way.

  • Bryan says:

    Hi Ron,

    Some great words of wisdom and insight. I have been married for over 20 years & am trying new ways to win my wife back. We were so close to separation/divorce and trying many of your helpful tips on wining her back. So far so good, it is a very slow process. I am practicing patience and love and constant reassurance and words of encouragement, but at time get discouraged when I receive little or no response. We also have not had any intimacy for about a year or more as she has no desire and seems to be moving away from the lord spiritually, which concerns me. Our teen age kids are very supportive and most of our lives are filled with meeting their needs, to distract from meeting our own needs. At times I feel that I am the only family member that wants to participate in attending church or spiritual matters (Seeking God). I do pray often and have hope that the lord will turn this marriage covenant in the right direction. I know that her heart is closed to me right now, but slowly I see signs, at times, of it opening up again. Pray for us that we will diligently seek his will for us and her heart will open up to the lord and I soon. Blessings and Thank you!

  • Dale Mcdaniel says:

    I love my wife deeply. We have been married for 23 years. And we have a 5 year old son. I Unintentionally Hurt her For years by verbal abuse. Now she started a new job and was talking with a guy there. I’m so very afraid. What do I do now. She said she will not talk to this guy anymore and we will work on us and are marriage. And there may be a 50/50 Chance it could work between us. I’m asking for any advice And prayers. GOD said that a man should love his wife as GOD loves the Church. So I know as men. We will fall short of that.. We just have to do are best to be open and honest and loving With are wives.. Don’t be pushy, and let them have a little space.. Please pray for me and my wife.

    • Chris says:

      Hey man I read your post and am going through the exact same thing. She ended it with this dude,and now she wants space to figure out if.she still loves me or not. I am crushed and trying to.change everyday. How are things with you two now?

  • Kimani Goldson says:

    my of was upset because I hardly got to see her since 10/02/15 and then said she wanted space.I was afraid that she was going to leave so I literally text and call for a time then she got upset and said we are over,we aren’t together.I got crazy and started saying things to get her back then she text and said she was sick of me,I was driving her nuts and anything I say cannot change her mind.I stopped texting her 11/23/15 and I don’t know if she will come back.please help me and guide me on how to have her in my life again.I truly love her

  • Theresa Beukes says:

    my tears was running as I was reading this

  • Joe says:

    my wife moved out on 7/31/15 we started talking again on sept.23 2015 we went out a few times for dinner so I said some thing to my stepson that mon and I are started to see each other again and going to take it slow well the stepson or stepdaughter went back and told my wife have not herd from her in 3days so I sent her e mail and a phone call and heard nothing I need help

  • Firas says:

    I don’t know how to make it up to my wife after a big fight between us fews days ago. I was yelling at her, on her face, called her all the names is the book and spit on her. They she went to the bathroom and cried alot. You think I have any idea why i did what i did?! I dont know what set me off. I keep having flashbacks for the whole fight, i cry just coz i hurt her, i made her cry. Bought flowers & gifts and said sorry alot, and i meant my apologies. I really regret it. I never treat a woman like this, let alone my wife. Since then she never talks to me. She’s even disgusted that im her husband. I’m dusgusted of myself. Cant even go on with my day at work, my eyes full of tears everytime i think about what i did, and her voice crying in the bathroom. I’m crying as i’m writing right now. I love her so much. I don’t know how make it up to her. I don’t know what to do! Please advise me

  • Marcus1898 says:

    I've been very prayerful but I times it has been tough. I really need prayer for my wife and our marriage that God will heal my family and break down barriers and walls that have formed in my wife's heart. God has been working on me to become a better husband and father, but of course my wife doesn't trust me she is waiting for me to go back to the way I was. I am leaning and depending on God to change my situation and bring my family back together. I love my wife but she doesn't or won't love me right now. She says that she is keeping an open mind and being optimistic but it seem as if she is still seeing the past. I pray that God grants me patience to wait and continue to trust that my prayers will be answered and my kids are praying for our family as well. Please everyone pray for me and my wife to renew our marriage and grow together.

  • John says:

    Do you have an article or information to provide regarding being separated for years with no divorce and how to restore a marriage when the other party is not willing and believes you are an unbeliever? She wants out but will not say so and we don't talk, yet she is in the church and the church stays out of it and tries to send us off to counseling outside the church. I have waited years and she and our children move on. I am stuck! I have had counseling for years but am very traumatized not seeing our children etc.

  • Harry says:

    My wife of nearly 20 years is separating from me because I went through periods of depression several times in our marriage, and the most recent one–also affected by a physical health issue–was long and arduous. Now that I am getting better, and some medical issues have been taken care of, she is still leaving.
    But having read this, many years after it was posted, I think I understand even more my role over the time of the separation as I hope that she will reconcile with me. I think I will hope right up until we are sitting at a table about to sign divorce papers.
    Thanks for your post. I hope I make it to my goal of letting my wife heal so she will let me back into her heart.

  • Romain says:

    If i give my email could you help me out with my marriage, because it got to the lowest point we have ever reached, i love my wife and pray God to not make me lose her ever but i cant seem to find the right solutions, please if you could help me but any means i’m despretaly begging you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for your post, God bless you

  • san says:

    we have been married for last 13 years, have got 2 kids, daughter is 12 years old….my wife have been extremely emotional lady…..had an affair before her marriage that did not work out..because of my profession probably could not match up to her expectation emotionally…..just on a friendly basis i helped her find her ex and even found out his telephone number,,,and that has been the end of my life..she slowly started talking to him when i was not at home,,and carried this quite frequently for last 7-8 months, not to my notice… fine day when i found call details , she told it was all friendly chat…but the damage was already done….that man could impress her with all she probably needed emotionally, that lead to constant fight between us, leading to mistrust and a sense of emotional cheating….i feel betrayed, cheated. I once spoke to that man, since then the event has come to normal to some extent. I feel she wants to come out of this tangle, but just because of her deep emotional involvement, she is finding very hard to do so and even now they are in touch somehow……..please help and guide me how can i help her getting back,i love her inspite of everything and can not live without her or ruin my family….i want her back and want that she feels emotionally secure with me…am getting restless and mad….cant bear this pain

  • James Hightower says:

    When You're Separated & Wife Will Not Talk, it seems hopeless. Frustration, immaturity & not having a relationship with Christ hurt a lot. I left her twice she took me back but nothing seemed to change. I'm the one at fault, we are Christians but the extreme Silent Treatment just leaves me helpless. So all I do is Pray for us both & that somehow her heart softens. Don't know what to do.

  • nickels says:

    At some point as a man who respect themselves we have to be prepared to divorce.
    Its not our lives work to turn cold stone to warm flesh.

  • matt says:

    Thanks so much.

  • Rob says:

    I would appreciate prayers for my family.I have done a lot of damage and am wanting to change for the better.I am 3 1/2 years sober now and my ex has opened the door to Christian counseling.I am very thankful for this ,but am scared I will mess it up.Please ,someone pray for us.Thank you,Rob

  • steve says:

    I really miss my wife and wish and pray every night that I could turn back time to the days of happiness but I feel like I'm losing an endless battle. If there is 1 wish I could have or 1 last pray I could pray it would be to have my wife say she loves me and move on from this nightmare

  • steve says:

    Every weekend she goes away with the kids and leaves me home alone which then I start feeling very sad and depressed, I work very hard for my family as we are a single income family and our over head its extremely high. She has some church friends from the church that we used to go to that tell her to leave me and judge me for what I have done and not for who I am.

  • steve says:

    We live very separate lives and very rarely do anything together. I have recognized the faults that I have caused and am working extra hard to not go back to that life style but yet she doesn't seem to accept the change and progress I am making. She lives in the past and rehashes all the negative things I have done which in return sets me back. I try so hard to show her how sorry I am and that I am changing for the better but yet anything I do is not go enough.

  • steve says:

    Wow I am so happy I came across this website and by reading all the post I feel that I'm finally not alone. I have been in an 8 year common law relationship with the most wonderful woman any man could be with, we have 3 beautiful daughters together and I am a very proud father to them. My wife and I are going through major issues in our life and I truly believe it is all my fault but others don't see it that way. I have done so much wrong to her that her heart has been shattered but yet we are still together.

  • MIke says:

    Why is it that when you are doing the best that you can to please her and then when something goes wrong it all goes out the window. Then they accuse me of never doing anything for her.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Praying for you. Wish I had answers.

      • Mike says:

        Thank you! I really need it.

        • Jim says:

          The same trap I had fallen into; pleasing my wife. I'm not saying be mean to her. A man is to love his wife without condition. Pleasing is always looking for a payback. My wife didn't want "Mr. Nice Guy" whose aim is to never say "no". She has lost respect for me because instead of leading, I was pleasing and not trying to be needy. I used that strategy, failed to connect emotionally, and she went and had an emotional affair. She has hardened her heart against me and we are living a separated lifestyle in-house.

          So my encouragement to guys is to stop trying to be Mr. Nice Guy using pleasing (yes cleaning and trying to do everything for her) and learn to love and lead her as God has directed. Thanks Ron for you site.

  • Marcel says:

    Hi there, Over the past few days, I have been doing some serious soul searching. I am devastated. Received an EMAIL from my wife of 21 years (2 small kids), that she wanted a divorce. I have been under huge financial (Lost my large business) and emotional turmoil (Family member passing) for the past year, and have not paid much attention to her. She also travels a lot. Up to 4 weeks at a time. I know there are other men out there giving her the emotional attention she is craving. I have had therapy for the past 6 months and recently opened my own business again. I am stronger and have a spring in my step. I feel it might be too late.
    What can I do, to change her mind.. I love her with all my heart, and can’t go through with more emotional turmoil tight now. Any suggestions from a practical point. We start Divorce mediation in a few days. I have laid my troubles to the Lord, and asked for forgiveness, and guidance..Thanks for a great read..

    • ronedmondson says:

      You can't change a heart. God can. You can only do actions which may influence. I would encourage you to get counseling even if she won't go. Get it for yourself.Then find the book “How to save your marriage alone” by Ed Wheat. Short little helpful book. Praying for you.

  • ronedmondson says:

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Mike says:

    Thank you. I am in a situation where I am living in the basement separate from my wife. I have hurt her over time just like you wrote, I didn't even know it. I have left her feeling alone even though I am always here. I work and come home. I love being home. Being with my family, but I apparently were only here in body. I feel as low as I can after she told em this and she is so angry with me. I am doing many of the things that you said to do but I struggle to not try to "fix" it overnight. I have never felt such pain and my eyes have been opened. I want to love her so much and comfort her. I understand her lack of "trust". I don't know what to do. I text her daily and tell her I love her. I'm careful not to over do it. I give her space and am working on patientence. I feel like I should DO something but I don't know what. I am amazed at all the similar stories on here. I can't believe how bad men hurt their wives.

  • Jim says:

    Ron, I’ve been married for 15 yrs & together for almost 18 yrs. I had a number of yrs of drug abuse, 4 yrs ago my wife left & I got sober. We reconciled after 8 months apart. After 3 yrs of being sober, I tried to drink, and did the last yr. my wife told me she had enough & was done with me. I went back to AA, but we split up a week ago. She says she cares for me, but isn’t in love with me. I know I was wrong, but how can I get her & my 3 kids back? I’m in a lot of pain, and asking God for help

    • ronedmondson says:

      Jim, I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you a quick remedy or easy answer to get your family back. I can't. This will depend on her as much as you. I can suggest you continue to work on you. That's the best thing for you and your family, even if only for your kids, regardless of what happens.That was my day's story. He got his family back only after we were adults and he was 15 years from the end of his life, but he died a happy man. I'd hope your life ends as well as he did, but sooner, but most of that depends on you and not them.Praying for you.

  • ronedmondson says:

    LOVE THIS! Thank you for sharing.

  • MCL says:

    God has forgiven me and has helped me to forgive me and now as I search for a place to live away from our home I ask for your prayers that my wife is able to forgive me even if she can't bring herself to continue in our marriage.

  • MCL says:

    I wish I had read this two,years ago before I had my tragic fall from grace in her eyes and God's

  • Richard says:

    Thank you so much for this article, I can totally relate to everything as I am in this position with my wife at the moment. The part that has touched me the most and helped me through the last few days is when you said Jesus could erase the pain and make the heart new, but more often he lets us wrestle the heartache while we learn to better love each other. What a powerful message that is, and what an impact that has had on my thoughts for our future. Having turned my back on god the last few years and questioned my faith, reading that simple sentence makes me realise that god never turns his back on us, his children. I am now so positive that I am going to be a much better person and a better husband to my loving wife. Thank you so much. Richard x

  • Eric says:

    I cannot believe how many of us men make the same mistake. My beloved wife of 31 yrs told me she has lost herself in trying to make me happy and wants out. I realized that I have clinical depression and have just started taking meds and seeing a counselor. We still live together (in separate rooms) and I of course have been trying to give her space and have been reading everything I can to learn how to love her the correct way. We talk occasionally and she says there is a small glimmer of hope.

    I have been praying.. but I admit I am selfish. I pray for her to be happy (but of course, with me). I pray to God that I can be the man she needs, to be happy.

  • Paul says:

    my wife of 10yrs left me,and only 2weeks after we sepersted was seeing another man. i found this out from a friend of hers.I love my wife and confronted her on this.She says she broke off the relaisonship,i have not been a good husband and she keeps telling me she needs time! why is she with him and why wont she give me a chance? We seem to fight all the time and its mostly because i keep asking her to give me a chance! She says she needs time to her self but i know she is still talking to him and its killing me! We have 4 children and we have fought in front of them and i know now we can do that! i cant seem to stop myself from bring up us,she will not let me touch her or stay at the house!What do i do?

  • Kelly says:

    I finally told him what I was going thru, and he essentially told me to "get over it". He was angry at me for still being hurt. He, in fact, saw himself as a victim because I refer to his past behavior as abusive, and to him as being an abuser. This is classic for him. His accusation against me is always that I am verbally abusive. He uses a "victim mentality" to insulate himself from the truth about himself. Once, he was yelling insult after insult at me, and when I told him that he could believe those lies if he wanted to, but I didn't, he was horrified that I had called him a liar! Again, I had verbally abused him! **gasp**

    Of course, it's irrational. He has a crazy irrational need to deny what he has done, who he has been and continues to be just because he refuses to admit it. But he must have admitted it on some level, to be able to stop being abusive, right?

    The sad part is that he has a wife and step-daughter who know exactly who he is and what he has done, and we love him anyway. God has helped us immensely, my daughter and I, and we rejoice in His healing work in our lives, but my heart is still wounded by my husband's refusal to acknowledge my pain. And I think until he does, I need to be aware that it could happen again.

    I am wounded and hurt, and sometimes feel myself growing cold to him. He has been distant with me since a few weeks ago when I told him that I was still wounded by the past. He told me I had attacked him and it is up to me to "fix it". And frankly, I don't care that much. But I do. I want a happy, safe, nurturing marriage, and man alive, if I could change something in me to magically make it so, I would. But I suspect that this is a 2 person deal, and that is scary to me.

    I guess I write all this to get it out, and to ask you to pray. I don't know what to do about how I feel, other than keep talking to God and work on forgiving my husband for the new wounds. How do I not close my heart for protection? I don't know if I am brave enough to remain open….

    • ronedmondson says:

      Sadly, the man always seems to want to "get over it" before the woman is able to. Men heal emotionally much faster than women. I would very much recommend the two of you read the book and perhaps do the accompanying Bible study of "Love and Respect". See the ministry here: Praying for you.

      • Kelly says:

        Thanks, Ron. I'll check out the site and see if I can get the book.

        I think one of the reasons my husband has "healed" faster is that, and I know this sounds self-serving, but I really do think it is true, he has less to heal from. He was not physically assaulted. He was not criticized and verbally battered for days on end. In the first 2 years of our marriage, I lost my temper on my own w/o an attack from him, only twice. It may make one furious when one is lying and someone calls them a liar, but it doesn't wound in the same way as if he was innocent. When he was angry, there were no limits on what he would say, even telling me that his ex-girlfriend was better in bed than I am, repeatedly.

        I think he doesn't lie in bed at night fighting the litany of names and insults because there isn't one. Plus, it is in his best interest to "forget" a period of his life where he violated every principle that he valued for himself as a man, a Christian and a husband. He's in hiding.

        I've repented of the things that I have done, and I feel forgiven. Despite the provocation, I know that if I had turned to God in a greater way, He would have helped me maintain self-control and a loving attitude towards my husband. I feel free of these failings. I am just not free from the wounds.

        Thanks so much for praying, Ron. I know that the answer lies in God and his wonderful healing, redemptive power. Also, His protection for me and my child. We serve a truly awesome God!

  • Kelly says:

    My husband and I went thru a time a few years ago when we were newly married where we were both very discouraged and depressed. My depression manifested itself in withdrawal, introspection, and sorrow. I am also chronically ill and the stress of our situation made my illness worse, so I was in a lot of physical pain.

    My husband's depression expressed itself in extreme irritation, anger, aggressiveness and even violence. He was especially irritated at my unhappiness, which was caused by a series of losses and betrayals by my church and family, including the loss of all of my close friends but one. I kept telling him that I just needed some time to work out my hurt, but he was hurt too and was demanding that I "get it together" emotionally as well as physically so that I would make him feel better. Of course, I struggled to deal with my feelings in this kind of pressure, and physically I was not well and couldn't do anything about it! I began to get angry, and even to respond to his violence with violence, throwing things back at him, slamming doors, breaking things, etc.

    He kicked in doors, including the bathroom door while I was in it, threw things at me, broke things in the house, pushed me, cornered me so that I couldn't get away from his angry lectures, flicked a lit cigarette butt into my hair, and purposely tried to startle unexpectedly because the stress would increase my physical pain (I also have heart problems). Eventually his physical violence against me became dangerous. I soon realized that when I reacted to his violence with violence, I was giving him weapons to use against me. If I confronted him on his violent behaviour, he would just accuse me of being the same. He would be angry and aggressive for days at a time, but if after 3 days of misery I lost it and mouthed off or threw something, I would become the focus, the "problem".

    So I stopped reacting and just focused on avoiding him when he was in a rage. My daughter from a previous marriage and I had to escape the house twice for our safety. We were separated for months at a time after those 2 incidents.

    The past few years have been different. I believe God healed him from his depression, as he has not suffered the irrational, days-long, aggressive anger for years. He is much more patient, and is willing to work on himself and handles negative things much better now. When he hurts me and I tell him, he is usually repentant rather than defensive. He has made remarkable changes, and I am proud of him.

    I believe that he has done this with the help of God, as we rarely talk about the violence of our first few years. I avoid it because of the anxiety attached, and because even though he has changed, he is still fiercely protective of himself as far as recognizing that he was a violent, abusive man. The few times we have talked about it, he has tried to defend himself by blaming me. This makes me so angry and hurt, I risk losing control of my tongue. But I am realizing that I carry a lot of rage in me because of the horrific things he did and said to me. I have forgiven him, I think, because I am able to feel love for him and to enjoy being in his presence and our intimate life is special. But whenever we disagree on something, I find rage rising in me and I can become vicious, verbally. When he gets irritated or angry, it frightens me, which I think must be normal, but my fear leads to anger. Because he hasn't openly confessed to me and repented to me, I feel like there is a part of our "oneness" that cannot be reconciled, no matter how much I forgive. Is that possible?

    • ronedmondson says:

      Yes, it's possible and I've seen it happen many times. Is it easy? No. Is there great work to be done. Absolutely. Most couples give up in the challenge it seems. Most changes like this take years. I'm praying for you to have patience, supernatural strength, and an overwhelming sense of God's love and provision.

  • ronedmondson says:

    Thanks. Keep us posted.

  • Chad says:

    I'm very happy I found this blog and know that I'm not alone. I'm not proud to say that I have not lived my life very well the last 2 years, and especially the last 6 months. Though it was unintentional, I have pushed my wife down and hurt her more than anyone deserves. Ever since she failed out of her nursing program all I could think about was how it was going to affect us financially. She came to me to tell me she failed out and all she needed was a hug and to be told it was okay. Instead I just got angry and turned away. Ever since then I have not had an encouraging word to say. Instead I hid away from the world in the basement and forced her to make all the decisions. A week ago she was ready to leave me (and I don't blame her). Looking back now I see all the times she tried to talk to me and I just didn't listen. I was so wrapped up in my schooling and what I was trying to do, I turned everyone away. To make matters worse, I would tell anyone else that asked that it wasn't her fault, that 75% of the students failed out and that it was more on the teachers than the students. However, I couldn't tell her that. The one person that needed to hear it.

    She has changed her mind… sort of. We are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, though not close together. The hard part is she will talk to her family about things, but refuses to speak to me about the matter. If I bring us up, she gets extremely angry and says she doesn't want to talk about it. If I try to play along then things go smoothly, for the most part. There is still no hugging or intimacy involved in any way, either emotional or physical, not that I expect there to be right now.

    To make matters more complicated, I am supposed to leave for a month of military duty in 3 months and then to pharmacy school (which is almost 4 hours away and lasts 4 years) shortly after that. While a month apart may help, I'm afraid if I go to school that our marriage won't survive, but she absolutely refuses to hear of me not going. I think she's afraid that if I don't go I'll blame her for it later. I just don't know how to make her understand that all I want is for our family to stay intact. My father in law thinks that the time apart may help, but I just don't see it.

    My father-in-law says she's willing to give me another chance, but it's so hard to not get down sometimes.

    • ronedmondson says:

      Chad, thank you for sharing your story. Your transparency is refreshing and that attitude will hopefully help you to bring restoration to your marriage. I'm praying for you. The process that got you here didn't happen overnight. Don't think that resolving or restoring the marriage will take any less time. Hang tight!

      • Chad says:

        Thank you Ron, and thank you for this site. Just knowing that there are those like you out there is more encouraging than you can know. I just hope I haven't ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

  • mark says:

    Hi again, Ron,
    just wanted to say thanks for the links
    I wanted to give you a brief history of my marriage,
    my wife became a very right wing religious enthusiast, talking in tongues, seeing things floating in the air, silly prophecies about the weirdest things, lightning bolts splitting pulpits in church, and hearing God's voice telling her to do all kinds of things. She claims it was God that told her to divorce me.
    I tried and tried to show her in the bible that these things weren't so, but, met with the utmost resistance to it
    One day she demanded that I start tithing or we were going to be in court,,I just about spit
    the more she pushed it on me, the less I wanted it,,
    I lived that way for a long time,,even going to the doctor to get anti-depressants because of the anger it was causing.
    I finally blew it, and committed adultery,,,
    now, after nearly 5 years, I've tried and tried but as I said, she is really involved with this ministry from Florida, I'm sure you know who I'm talking about
    I initially contacted them because I wanted to save my marriage, but, this guy was into all of the speaking in tongues and prophecies, which she embraced and I didn't
    they supported her claim that God told her to divorce me, and so many other things that I couldn't find in the bible. It actually worked against me
    now she's involved with their forum, claiming all kinds of abuse, and helping people save their marriages by filing for divorce to get their husbands to change.
    I wonder what I'm doing actually wanting to go back to that, but, I can't help but feel that a family is "supposed" to be together,,,
    I understand a lot more now than I did then, and I"ve found it's hard to move on when you have children still at home,,
    so, as far out as I am,,,
    is there a way back?

    • ronedmondson says:

      I'm not going to lie to you Mark. It sounds pretty hopeless from your perspective apart from a miracle of God. I will say, however, that I've seen those miracles many times. Many other times I've seen God allow people to make very bad decisions on both sides of the marriage. I'm praying for a miracle on your end. I don't know when to tell you to let go of this and move forward with your life. I'm obviously not close enough for that. I hope you surround yourself with people that will challenge you, but give you loving guidance. You need a couple of people close enough to the situation to help you make some wise choices right now. Praying for you.

      • mark says:

        "It sounds pretty hopeless from your perspective"

        that's what I've been thinking too Ron
        and have yet to come to terms with it,,
        even after all this time

  • mark10440 says:

    Hi Ron, it's so nice to come across a page where someone professes the love of Christ and is actually in the marriage's corner. I've been divorced for nearly five years now. during my divorce I got involved with a couple from Florida by typing in a plea to God in my browser. I wanted to save my marriage so badly. It was through them that my marriage eventually was deemed dead. I still love my wife, or should I say my former wife. we still have minor children.
    I've read of marriages being healed and remarriage after divorce.
    I just really want to be back with my family, but, my wife is so involved with this couple from Florida still that there is no way I could ever do the things that would win her back. at least I don't think so
    what would you recommend?

    • ronedmondson says:

      Mark, that's a very difficult question to answer from what you've shared. I do believe marriages can be restored and that God still does miracles. I don't know what to advise if your wife is not open to considering talking to you. I will say that begging her is never attractive, but assuring her you love her, yet showing strength. You might consider a letter to her. I wrote details of an idea of how to do that in this post:

    • mark says:

      couldn't seem to get the page, it said it couldn't be found
      would you have an alternative page?
      her heart is really,really closed
      she says God delivered her from our marriage,,
      I don't even know if it's something that I should do,
      although, in my heart,,I'm almost feeling like that's what God is telling me to do,,
      or do you think it's just false hope


      • ronedmondson says:

        Mark, it's working for me. Sorry you can't get it to. I'll try emailing you.

      • ronedmondson says:

        Okay, think I found the problem. Still emailed you. But, this is the link:

        Cindy White says:

        I so agree with what Cindy above said. I was thinking the same thing. I wish my husband would read this and take it to heart. I know that he would not. I can so understand what the wife was feeling in the "Keep doing it" I am so there and I think that my husband would be that exact way is someone was trying to tell him that. Thank you so much for sharing this Ron. So many men need to read this and know that it is so true.

      • Keep God First says:

        Three parts of this blog are significant to me.

        First, "A wife’s love need is new every day." Sometimes it's new every hour, sometimes every few minutes. One minute we can feel like we have all the love we ever need and then some, and the next the tank is completely empty. Sometimes it's something happening in real time that we can identify as a reason for that need, sometimes it's a memory of a time when a painful incident occurred, and other times it may just be that we've been so busy doing our own things that we haven't spent enough time together and realizing the distance we allowed or created.

        Second, the entire paragraph entitled "Give Constant Assurance". When that assurance is absent, if I blame my husband for his distance I could harbor resentment or bitterness, and if I blame myself for the distance I can become discouraged or apathetic. Both only contribute to the problem. God can give us constant assurance of his love, and our husband's aren't God. However, God's design for marriage is that the marriage relationship is to be held in high regard above all other human relationships. For me, keeping my focus on Jesus while things aren't right with my husband is doable, but makes for a horrible day.

        Third, the paragraph about "Practice Patience" is essential, I believe, when a husband sins against his wife or vice-versa. It is just as selfish, I believe, to demand instantaneous forgiveness as it is to sin against one another to begin with. Sure, we are thankful to know the truth, but it sure is hard to be happy and grateful about sin in our spouse and brokenness in our marriage. Some sins really need time to be dealt with, and sweeping them under the carpet with only a trite "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" for the sake of "peace" is like taking off the tops of weeds in the back yard, closing the back door, and hoping that in time they will go away by themselves. Confessing sin that was going on for years, like pornography or masturbation, reframes the past, present and future. Sure, for the husband, it may have happened in the past, but for the wife just finding out, it's like being told she has cancer. She doesn't really know how much there was, is, or if it will come back, and it's really hard to get reassured of something that she can't see. Trust is proven performance over time, but how can some things be proven and how can she ever really know things are better when she didn't know what was going on before? Shattered vows take years to mend. Men who seek greater satisfaction or fulfillment through "appreciating the beauty of other women" think they are getting more, but in the long run they are robbing themselves and their marriages of the only real satisfaction or fulfillment they will ever be able to know. Spouses who spend years hurting one another will need to exercise a lot of patience if they want to fix the damage they caused.

      • Matt says:

        Wow, other people are experiencing the same thing I am. This is a very difficult process for me to work through. My wifes heart is closed to me. We have made progress over 6 months of going through this and she now says she loves me again. It is when we cross over to any issue of the heart she can't go there. What God has shown me is to love deeply(Christlike love), be patient, persevere, be faithful, and have no expectations of love being shown in return. This is a work that God must do himself. The most powerful thing I can do is Trust in the Lord… Really lean on Him and not try to "fix" her or change, manipulate, convince or anything else. God has been faithful to me in this situation. My counselor calls it "frozen feelings". It takes time for an iceberg to thaw. I believe my precious wife is worth the wait. God is doing a miracle. I am continuing to believe this…

      • Roy says:

        The mind is a fragile thing. Our emotions can over power our logical thinking and create barriers and breaks – sometimes I guess for self preservation. My story is very similar. Married nearly 20 years. Only recently did my wife "put her foot down" and told me I had hurt her for years. I was shocked. Logically I replayed my life and could only see that I wanted the best for us both. I see where some of those times I would even tell her she "shouldn't feel that way". Her emotions made no logical sense to me and I thought we were more alike so how could she "think and feel that way". I'm sure some woman might read my post and think, "what a block head", "what a jerk". But you'd be thinking emotionally and not logically. I'm am now trying to think how my words and actions can affect my wife's emotions which seem to be the main way she processes truth. This morning I wanted to read something and asked her if she wanted me to but she said no. I don't know why, but I read it anyway and then had the nerve to ask her what she thought. For the life of me I don't know why I did that but basically I wanted to share something with her I found profoundly interesting and I wanted to "enhance her life". Oh, I wish I could see those times coming and plan a better course of action. I called just a bit ago and apologized for doing that after I started reading this column. Like a slap in the face I realized what I had done. God, please help me to be a better student of my wife. Help me to forgive myself for failing and the willpower to keep on going forward. I have to confess too that I have been in anguish for about 18 months off and on. there were some very serious dark and lonely times and it brought me to my knees. I came to a scary realization that I had practically been worshiping my wife. I had put her so first that God was second. I'll not go into details what all that meant but I had to confess this to God and remind myself who created me and all he has done for me. And no matter what my wife may do, I was ultimately never going to turn my back on God. He has never failed me but people often do. I have found much advise and counsel over this hard time of my life and want to thank all those like Ron who offer it and from others like myself who share there experiences so I did not feel alone and used much of it as warnings and instructions on how to redeem so much lost life.

      • Kevin says:

        So, lower than this would be discovering your wife woke up today thinking of harming herself and spending the next 12 hours getting her seen in an ER and having her mad as hell at you. We’re home, but she’s hardly speaking to me. At least she assured me and the folks in the ER she won’t kill herself. I am praying for the bottom to hit soon. I don’t know how much further I can fall.

        Thanks for praying.

      • Kevin says:

        Ron, Thanks for your encouragement and prayer. i told my wife at one point today that I was seeking your prayer and advice. She seemed startled but glad. I did confront her this morning before I saw your reply. I don't think I did it very well. I tried to talk with her item by item in her email. She says she's told me everything, and she seems truly sorry for this. I guess I'm faced with accepting that she is being truthful that she has told me everything or suspecting that she's still withheld info. out of self preservation or to protect my feelings. She really seemed broken and thinks I should hate her. I've told her that no matter what I'm committed, and I really love her. I think God has really worked on her heart in the last 24 hours, and she really seems committed to ending this relationship with the other guy, and committed to loving me. I told her about reading your post about bottoming out as we talked this morning. I'm hoping we're there. I can't imagine what lower than this would be like. I so appreciate your prayer. I have a friend here who's a pastor, and he and I spoke this morning, and he's praying as well. I also called this guy because he is a friend of mine and told him. I know what's happened and it was horrible, and it needs to stop–in basically those words firmly and directly.


      • Kevin says:

        So, I thought things were really improving then this afternoon I went to open my email and my wife was still logged on and there was the email trail between her and our friend. She has at least had an emotional affair with him for awhile. She says it didn’t get physical, but I just went back to look at the emails and she had deleted everything between them except a draft she didn’t send to him. She’s seen him several times and I think it’s gotten physical. I want her so badly, but I want her to want me too, and I’m not sure that she is wanting to walk away from this guy. I’m desparate. Please pray and I’m open to suggestions.

        • Ron says:

          Kevin, I am so sorry. When a spouse pulls away this is always something you suspect, but never want to believe. I can tell you that it becomes much more difficult when someone else is involved. If this is true, then my suggestion would be that you get to the bottom of it quickly. Still respectful and in love, with as much firmness, while at the same time kindness as you can muster, I think you must confront your wife about this information. If you need to do this in front of a counselor and if she will go I would do that. I wrote a post HERE about the need to bottom out sometimes before you can start to rebuild. If your wife’s heart is closed, there is little your actions will help until it starts to open again. God can obviously change her heart and she can too. We will pray towards that end.

      • Kevin says:

        Thanks, Ron. My wife has been diagnosed with clinical depression and is taking medication for it. She really is on a rollercoaster of emotion these days which affects the whole family, especially our youngest kids. It seems that things have generally been getting better since my last post, but it’s still steps forward and back. Today was a really good day. She finally for the first time in 27 days told me she loved me, admitted how close she had come to cheating on me recently, but didn’t follow through. We spent a bunch of time together doing a variety of things we both enjoyed, but then it fell apart. She misread something I did, I got a little defensive, and it seems we’re back where we were a couple of weeks ago. I have a handful of friends who are praying for me, but in order to protect my wife from the embarrassment of them knowing her struggles. I haven’t shared specifics. Thanks for providing a safe place to share what’s going on. Please keep praying for us if you would.

      • Kevin says:

        I'm reading this thread and thinking. This is exactly what I'm going through. I'd appreciate any of you praying for me and my wife too. I've only been aware of how seriously I've wounded my wife of 23 years over the last three weeks. I know I've hurt her at a few significant times, but I've learned from her that there have been a multitude of times where she felt dismissed, and I didn't even realize I was wounding her heart. In the past I tried to fix her or defend myself. Now I find myself just wanting to identify what in me causes her pain and fix that. At the same time it seems that our four kids are going through stuff and adding stress, a car wreck, acting out, tantrums, and on and on. I never knew how much I'd want to hear her say, "I love you."

      • Ron says:

        It looks like you are doing all you can at this point. Be patient and I and others will be praying for you. Trust is built slowly. The problems didn’t happen overnight and the solution won’t come quickly either.
        God bless

      • Jon says:

        Ron, Thank you for the response. Yes, early on I was probably on the edge of begging. I've learned to put it in His hands and that's stopped. With the newly found spirit that God has put in my heart and life, I've tried to encourage her spiritually with emails that I was sending her, but I think she took that as not giving her the space she says she needs so I've stopped sending them. I've told her that right now the main thing I want to do is honor her and I'm trying to do that by honoring her request for space. We're trying to live apart while in the same house. It's not that we don't interact at all, but I am trying to be someplace else that she is not whenever possible. I'm also trying to avoid the next step which would be separation. When we are together I am always complementary of her or something that she has done (not going overboard). Prayers at dinner are more meaningful and I've not been critical or angry at anything for 6-7 months. I am trying to display to her my sincere change of heart and attitude. I"m also praying that she would talk to our minister or one of her good friends about this… I know it would help.

        I realize that this is a long process, but it hurts when she smiles and hugs the kids, but is only polite to me. I appreciate the prayers… they are highly coveted.

        • Adam says:

          I am in the same position as you. After years of not seeing that my bitterness was causing deep wounds, my wife stopped responding to me, she had an affair (which she now regrets) but is still very closed hearted to me. It hurts to see her so kind and patient with everyone around her but me. I told her many times that I am sorry for neglecting her the past 8 years and that I really want to have a thriving marriage with her. My biggest mistake now is just like you mentioned about how I don't give her space when she demands it. I truly hope your situation is getting better. Since your post is quite old, I would be curious to know if your situation has improved. God bless!

          • David says:

            I'm in the same situation exactly Adam. Have things improved or not? If improved, what did you do?

      • Jon says:

        I'm in a situation where I have hurt my wife's heart for a long period of time. We've gone to counseling and God has worked deeply in my spirit to completely change the way I look at life and my wife. I've never had more love or respect for my wife than I do now and I just want to cover her with my love and protection and share with her the exciting things that He has done in my life. If she'd give me a chance I know that she would enjoy this person I have become. However, her heart is closed to me. She says that she has lost trust and respect and has tried for months to get back that emotional connection to me and can not. I am in prayer constantly over this issue. I've tried to get her to go back to our minister, but she says that she's done talking for now. I've read your above article and I would love to interact with her on some of those levels that you mention, but she says that what she really needs is space and I am afraid that she is heading for a legal separation. Any thing I can do to encourage her heart without invading her space?

        • Ron says:

          Jon, you have asked a question that so many have asked before. What do you do when the heart of your spouse is completely closed?

          Unfortunately you are in a hold pattern. Either God will open her hear, she will open her heart, or someone will encourage her to open her heart. Chances are that someone will not be you.

          There are few options for you at this point until her heart changes, but here are a few suggestions:

          1. Quit begging. This often is what someone in your shoes does, but it’s seldom effective and often very unattractive, making the situation even worse.
          2. Make wise decisions and do the right thing. Act the way you should have been acting all along. Often we let our emotions act for us at times like this, but that is seldom helpful.
          3. Continue to assure her that you love and care for her. This shouldn’t be overboard, but consistent.
          4. Work on your own personal development…spiritual, physical, mental, financial, etc. You’ll be a more attractive person and better able to handle the future, whatever it brings.
          5. Continue to pray as you have been. That is always the right thing to do.
          6. Consider writing a letter. Sometimes we express ourselves better in written form during these times. I wrote a post about that:
          7. As a last resort, offer her a way out in exchange for a series of counseling. It’s a risky bargaining tool, but if there is any hope for the marriage to get better it is sometimes worth the risk. I have seen many marriages saved through counseling, and I’m not sure the ones that didn’t make it would have made it without the counseling. At the least counseling helps people be better prepared to move forward with their life.

          One thing is certain, things will not get better unless something is done and I would assume you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this, so the sooner you move forward with some plan to sooner things can begin to change one way or the other. I will be praying for you.

      • Ron says:

        Dan, I wish I could tell you that a formula will work. As you know, it takes two willing parties to make a marriage work. You may want to read this post also:

        You can't force people to do what you want them to do. I wish it were that easy. I will pray for your wife's heart to change though.

      • Dan says:

        I am trying to figure out all the ways I have gone wrong and all the hurt I have had a part in creating. I struggle with patience after being shut out for 5 years. I struggle with a complete lack of response regardless of how I try. Communications is difficult because I feel and find, whatever I say is wrong. I'm not a quitter, but how much is enough and what else can I do?

      • Dawn says:

        Great message…have you done “the Love Dare” yet? It is very practical and applicable…

      • Cindy says:

        Thank you for this link. I will work on these and see what happens.

      • Ron says:

        Cindy, good suggestion. I will work on that. In the meantime, did you read this one I did some time back:

      • Cindy says:

        Hey, If you have any suggestions for the wife then I would love to hear that sometime as well. This is something I wish my husband would hear at this time but I know that he would not. Thank you for sharing this. It is awesome.