This is a guest post by my friend Jennifer Degler. Jennifer attends the church I pastor and was actually on the search team that brought me to the church. She is a Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, life coach, and co-author of No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice—Instead of Good—Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends. A frequent speaker at women’s events and marriage retreats, she also maintains a counseling practice in central Kentucky. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and the founder of CWIVES, a ministry devoted to helping Christian wives enhance their sexual relationship (cwives.com ). Jennifer and her husband, Jeff, have been married for 25 years and have two children. Visit her Web site at JenniferDegler.com
I asked Jennifer to post on this issue, because I know it is something every marriage deals with, including the majority of readers of my blog…pastors. Though the issue may be more personal than normal posts, I believe Jennifer, as a professional, a strong believer, and a woman, can address this issue much better than I can, and I believe it’s an issue that can help many marriages if they work through it. I also know I’ll be criticized for posting this. (I know the pastors and other Christians who pretend this is not a real issue, even though they know it is.) But, let me say this to the most “spiritual” among us…if this issue is affecting a marriage, it becomes a very spiritual issue, because it will impact the commands on marriage…the two becoming one flesh…and yes…in a spiritual sense. In Jennifer’s marriage counseling (and mine), you can’t address most marriages in trouble and not see this issue presented. And, I wish I didn’t have to give these type disclaimers…but I do. (If you get a chance, as a supplement to this post, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-16.)
Here’s…
“How to get your wife more interested in sex”:
I’m often asked by husbands, “How can I get my wife more interested in sex?” Sexual desire is complicated, but you can help your wife want sex more if you deliberately cherish her heart by practicing the 5 P’s.
Pursue your wife. You were “a man with a plan” when you were courting her. Don’t stop pursuing her just because you caught her. Wives want to be wooed. Ask her which she prefers: cards, phone calls, texts, emails, dates you plan, gifts or flowers for no reason, surprise visits, lunches, conversation you initiate, etc. The more you woo, the more she will want you.
Protect your wife. Protect her safety, her reputation, her energy. You are protecting your wife when you take care of potential trouble areas women sometimes overlook, such as an odd car engine noise. Most husbands would gladly take a bullet for their wife, but do you protect her reputation? Do you speak well of her, both in her presence and when she’s not around? If family members speak rudely to her, you are protecting your wife by respectfully requesting they speak kindly to and about her. The number one sexual difficulty wives report is lacking energy for sex, so when you load the dishwasher and put the kids to bed, you are protecting a scarce resource: her energy. The more you protect her, the more she will appreciate and desire you.
Provide for your wife, beyond financially. Women are nurturers who constantly think of others’ needs and how to stretch themselves to meet those needs. It’s exhausting. When you are mindful of what your wife needs and then provide it, well, this feels amazing. Husbands, look at your wife: What does she need in this moment that you could provide? A break, a chair, a cup of tea? My husband brings blankets, water bottles, and snacks to our son’s games. I am the most provided-for-wife at every game…and I bet he is the most rewarded husband afterwards.
Profess she is your wife, proudly, publicly. When men are proud of something, they show it off. How do you introduce your wife to your friends? “The old ball and chain?” “My old lady?” “The Boss?” You are painting a verbal picture of how you see your wife. Is it flattering or denigrating? A husband who proudly tells the world, “This is my wonderful, beautiful wife!” helps his wife feel better about herself which translates into a more sexually confident wife.
Pray for and with your wife. Christian wives are turned on by a praying husband. It’s true. Forget those new silk boxers, just hold her hands and pray with her. She will see you recognize and care about her needs. When you pray for her, you are hitting on all 5 P’s. My husband left this message on my voice mail, “Honey, I didn’t get to pray for you before you flew to your speaking engagement. Let me pray for you now.” And he proceeded to pray for me, and as I listened to his message, my only thought was, “He is the sweetest man. I can’t wait to get home and rip off his clothes.” Prayer = the ultimate aphrodisiac.
(I borrowed 3 of these P’s from Steve Harvey).
This, um, doesn't help. This describes me, pretty much. It's useless.
Thanks for this Christian approach to a very serious problem.
This is an awesome post. Really very informative and creative. This sharing concept is a good way to enhance the knowledge. However, your wife may still have anger and unforgiveness in her heart because of your behavior in the past. Women need an emotional connection to their husband in order to feel sexual desire. Thank you very much for this post. I like this site very much.
I think genuine kindness towards her, and a true desire to spend time with her, will result in her not only being willing, but even initiating sex.
I help with everything I try to most all it so she not tired .i always tell her how great she look . I lve clothes shopping for her and love spending time with her . But everything I do doesn't work when I do a romaintance even she says I guess I no what you want . That just kills the mod for me I'm about ready to give up
I wish someone would cover how devastating erectile dysfunction is to a marriage. People think, no problem, just take a little blue pill. Well, that option is only an option or the wealthy, because in order for us to use "medicine" it would cost $180 just for six doses. In our marriage the variations of ED started years ago but got worse and worse to the point of us having no sex at all. It has nearly ended our marriage. We are a young couple, both in early fifties and we have a sexless marriage, now. Then prostate cancer came knocking, so even if there is an occasional time he is able, that most likely will be over after his surgery. Insurance does not cover ED treatment, I guess they don't think sex is necessary in a marriage. I have a very healthy sex drive and love my husband, but I have no recourse. With ED, not only is he no able, but he's not interested in trying because he is not able most times. Therefore, any romance in our marriage that was there, is no longer there. So, what does a young minded, high energy wife do, but see a doomed life at the ripe old age of fifty-one. Divorce is not an option. It is a devastating situation for a marriage. We are a low income family, it used to be the only free thing that we had left that we enjoyed, now we don't even have that.
I can cook meals, clean the house, look after the kids and work extra to make extra money and nothing works. My wife hates sex. I lay at night and cry after being turned down once again. I have been keeping track and we've had sex(mutual sex) on average once per month for the last two years. Every once in a while she will say I don't want sex but you just do your thing. With absolutely no emotion from her besides hurry up and get it over with. I am at my wits end. And I know she would be sooooo mad if she knew I posted this. We are Christians but I am my wits end. I go to bed at night dreaming/thinking about how other couples must be having sex and I'm not. I am so miserable. Help.
Hi
I very much symphesiz with you. You are not alone as you can see. I have to say that according to my experience all of the above are good to make a wife appreciative but its not enough. if you do only the above you will taken for granted. You need to introduce the “bad boy”. Flirt and teas.
Good luck
Know the feeling!!
I am sorry but these articles are horrible. "It is always the man's fault. Always." Stoopid.
This is so true. The exact situation I v am facing. I getc tired of working by nyself. I don’t think that is the way God intended for a Christian marriage to be
Based on this post and how I do the things I do, sex should be something really consistent in our lives, but it's not. It's not that we never, but she almost never initiates and frequency is abysmal. So, to the poster… how do you restart your wife's engine to even get her thinking in this vein? I'm fully invested in my marriage and give her my heart fully every day. But nothing I say or do or any ways that the Lord has changed me seem to make a difference.
Hello Jon,
Thank you for your question because it's one that other husbands may have as well.
You stated "I was a bad husband for a long time. No affairs or anything like that, but just really really not doing the things outlined above. But about 4 years ago, the Lord worked in my heart to show me my failures and I've really been a model husband."
That's wonderful that you allowed the Lord to work on your heart and that you have been a loving and supportive husband for the past 4 years. However, your wife may still have anger and unforgiveness in her heart because of your behavior in the past. Women need an emotional connection to their husband in order to feel sexual desire. If she is angry or bitter toward you, it will block sexual desire. She might also be afraid that you will revert back to your former behavior. This lack of trust in the permanency of your heart's change will also block sexual desire.
Please consider couple's counseling with a trained marital therapist. Once the emotional connection issues have been worked through, you may see her sexual responsiveness returning. Sex is often the last thing to change in a marriage, so be patient. It takes time to repair the emotional connection.
If she says she feels deeply emotionally connected to you, then two other areas may be causing her lack of sexual interest: 1) Her body isn't working well to create sexual desire and responsivenss (can be related to lack of energy, stress, sexual pain, hormones, etc.). She needs to see a doctor if this is the case. 2) Her sexual attitudes are negative/unbiblical. Seeing a counselor can help correct any negative attitudes she may have toward sex.
You can also gently suggest she check out my website http://www.cwives.com for more biblically-based, practical advice for wives who want to improve their sexual relationship. I also have audio presentations about sex available on my other website http://www.jenniferdegler.com. Sometimes education can go a long way in helping couples with their sex life.
Blessings,
Jennifer Degler, Ph.D.
I agree with the post to a point. I think these are all good ideas, but they all assume that there is love and good will between the parties to start with. I was a "bad" husband for a long time. No affairs or anything like that, but just really really not doing the things outlined above. But about 4 years ago, the Lord worked in my heart to show me my failures and I've really been a model husband. I make every effort to pursue my wife, but mostly she isn't swayed by that persistent, consistent pursuit. I try to protect her and not just in the "I'd take bullet for you" way. I try, daily, to take burdens from her shoulders, honor and respect her and give her massages and encourage and compliment her. I usually get an obligatory "thank you". I provide fully for my family and not just with my paycheck or cutting the grass. I honor her by doing for her and bringing her things so she's not inconvenienced. Once again, my "reward" for that is a simple Thank You. I profess her in public and am proud to be her husband and I pray for her daily. We don't usually pray together, but that's never been a hot button for her.
Based on this post and how I do the things I do, sex should be something really consistent in our lives, but it's not. It's not that we never, but she almost never initiates and frequency is abysmal. So, to the poster… how do you restart your wife's engine to even get her thinking in this vein? I'm fully invested in my marriage and give her my heart fully every day. But nothing I say or do or any ways that the Lord has changed me seem to make a difference. It's not that I expect her to pretend that the past didn't happen, but what about looking to the future and what the Lord is doing with me and could do with us and how much better it could be?
thanks for your insight Jon.
Oh my! Thank you Pastor Ron and Dr. Degler. I have been challenged to help out more with chores and pray for my wife more. For some time now,I have slacked in these areas.