Many men are relationally challenged. It’s not that we don’t want to have great marriages, but we are often weak when it comes to knowing how to build them. One problem is that we often have the wrong ideas about the role each of us is to play in the marriage and it affects how we treat them. Men, see if any of these fit for how you’ve been relating to your wife.
Your wife is not:
- A trophy to be won…
- A puzzle to be solved…
- A solution to be found…
- A fixture to be ignored…
- A problem to be fixed…
- A maid to be paid…
- A cause to be championed…
Ladies, what am I missing?
Your wife is to be your partner, companion, lover, completer and friend. She’s to be the love of your life…second only from your love of God.
Men, are you seeing your wife for who she really is? How could you show her this week how much she means to you?
A game to be played…
Yes!
My wife is who she is and not what I think she ought to be. I love her dearly.
Good word!
Yes, that's so incredibly true.
I would add "She is not unaffected by the sins against her that she does not know about." Sin is deceptive, and it infiltrates marriages with destruction, especially when hidden.
so my husband says this when he read this…. no, you're not any of that, you are way more confusing then that….
Ha! That's funny!
I agree completely. Those are some excellent points.
Thanks for your feedback
Ron I enjoy your blog and share a lot in common to how you think. Here are some inspiring thoughts I wrote on this subject awhile back on my FaceBook page.
Inspiring Thoughts
1.
*Honey*
– Honey is a rich, golden, sweet necture made from total devotion from honey bees. It never spoils, it enhances the richness of everythig it touches. It’s a true gift from God’s bounty. Honey bees will literally work themselves to death in their short life span to make natures sweet confectioner. Soldier bees will fight to the death to protect it because they know how much it’s worth and that the honey bees gave their life to obtain it. The Egyptians considered honey to be a precious comodity only to be served to Royaly and important guest. They would refer to it as the necture of life… Women are much like the honey that is produced by these bees. They are rich and sweet. Their God given nature is golden and delicious to a man’s soul. Women are not a comodity but should be held in the upmost prestige as they are a precious gift from God. So the next time you call to your wife… “Honey” think about what you’re really saying to her…. Do ya mean it….or is it just something ya say without regard to really how precious she is to you. To all ya married guys, be like the soldier bees and gaurd and protect your Honey, for she is truely an amazing gift from our Father. Now to my Honey… Erin, I love you sooo much. You truely are my necture of life and are precious to me. You add so much rich, golden, sweetness to my life, that I’m proud and honored to call ya… MY HONEY.
2.
*Wife/Crown*
– noble (adj)
—having or showing or indicative of high or elevated character
“a noble spirit”
Proverbs 12:4
A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown,
but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
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I love this verse in the Bible and the dictionary meaning of the word Noble…. A crown as we all know is an extemly expensive and important piece of jewlery worn as a display by kings and queens to signify their importance and there influence in society. It is protected and always kept safe, b/c of it’s importance and worth….
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Fellas do you have a wife of noble character? If so be thankful to God for blessing your life with her, know she is your crown and treat her accordingly. For proverbs 12:4 warns that you could be stuck with a disgraceful wife who everyday is like decay in your bones. YIKES!!! So next time you wanna be quick to get angry at her for some silly reason or think you got it “so bad.” Realize she’s human and whatever happened is not near as bad as it could be…..
Thanks for the encouragement and the great thoughts. I appreciate you sharing them here for others to enjoy.
It's very interesting to discover that I've written a post with a very similar topic, yet we both discuss it from different angles. I'm appealing to the women and you, to the men. Excellent!
I love it! Good balance. Thanks for sharing.
I love it when my husband tells me to sleep in and he's getting the boys taken care of on the weekends. 🙂
I love it when my husband sets up the coffeepot so all I have to do is push the button in the morning (all I'm capable of at 6 a.m.)….
I love it when my husband shares the remote…. even when there is a football game on.
i love it when my husband asks me "Is there anything I can do to make life simpler right now for you?"
Thanks for the opportunity to reflect on this 🙂 And I did like Sky Pirates thoughts!
Those are great suggestions. It's very helpful for men to have specific examples.
"…an ornament to be displayed." I felt this way in the past, and it's dehumanizing to say the least. Kenny has a way of doing just the opposite; he's proud to be able to say he's my husband but he makes me feel genuinely beautiful, not like a shiny trinket that makes him look better. What a difference!
Thanks Victoria for sharing a personal example of the difference.
The Sky Pirate has a good point about making a meal at home sometimes instead of going out to eat to celebrate everything. Not only are there days I am worn-out, but also there are times I feel guilty spending $100 at Benihanas for a minor holiday like Valentine's Day that my husband is trying to make "special". What I REALLY like and what is REALLY special is when my husband picks up one of my cookbooks, flips through recipes asking me what looks good, and spends an hour or so some weekend preparing it just for me. I'd take my own husband's cooking at home over a fine chef at a fancy restaurant any day!
That is impressive! I cooked supper tonight 🙂
Seriously brilliant stuff here. Thanks Ron & those who commented.
What can I say Jason. My readers are brilliant!
I think the fact that men are relationally-challenged is a feature (or part of it), and not a bug.
When I read this list, my first thought was, 'but this was how God made men to begin with! These are all God-given attributes when rightly applied in other areas.'God designed men to be competitive! We were designed to solve puzzles. We were designed to find solutions! We were designed to champion causes! So it seems clear that God does not frown on these things in general.
The trick comes when we need to relate with our wives in ways that are counter-intuitive to how we were designed. This is where a little knowledge goes a long way.
I sat in on a marriage seminar led by Stuart Briscoe a couple of weeks ago where he noted the differences between men and women, and how God can use those differences to create stronger couples.
I've always known that my wife is a woman, and that she is as different from me as two humans can be. What I didn't know is that when I was expressing love to her as I knew it, via physical touch and words of encouragement, she was feeling unloved because I wasn't responsive to her desire for acts of service. Once we learned each other's love languages and changed our tactics to reflect that new knowledge, our 'intuition' changed as well.
We recently weathered Valentines Day (when we celebrate St. Hallmark, the patron saint of greeting cards, heh). I didn't give her a card when she awoke. Instead, I expressed my genuine love for her when she got home after a long evening of work. Tired and hungry, she opened the door to the house and her eyes immediately lit up. Her nose informed her that I had spent the afternoon making her favorite shredded beef Mexican food dish as my romantic gesture. She immediately perked up and her eyes danced despite her weariness. I knew she didn't want to go out to eat after a long day on her feet. I also knew that she would view a card as an insincere gesture, a concession to societal pressure. But what really made her feel loved was that I anticipated what she'd want most and surprised her with what she most wanted when she least expected it. (And I'm a /good/ cook.)
She purred all night.
So, yeah, I don't react toward my wife as if she were a man, assuming she will respond positively to the things that make me most male. By the same token, she doesn't assume I will be as relationally strong as she is. But by putting God first, I can use my male strengths to relate better to her, and vice versa.
This is a great comment. I agree with you and that's an important part of marriage. I say in my marriage retreats and counseling that God calls men and women to do that which we are least capable of doing…which requires Christ's help. Men are called to love…women are called to respect (Eph 5:21-33) It would be much easier the other way around. Thanks so much.
LOL: "She purred all night." This cracked me up; my hubby told me just the other evening that i was purring like a cat while we were snuggling on the couch!
I laughed too Victoria. Colorful imagery!
"she purred all night"
LOL Johne! But so true:
"what really made her feel loved was that I anticipated what she'd want most and surprised her with what she most wanted when she least expected it."
Good on ya.
I think the place where we women crave the male perspective and approach is looking outward as a couple on the world, whether in church or other social circumstances. We want to see our guys go forth and conquer, and also to protect the hedge around home and family. Then we can concentrate on contributing to the nurture aspect within that circle of security. Looking inward to the home, it's important to us to have our perspective acknowledged and accounted for in the scheme of things. I don't need to rule. I just need to be accepted and allowed for, and know that I'm loved the way I am.
Thanks for the confirmation….love the dialogue on this post.
Your wife is not…the person *you* think your life needs. She is the person God thinks your life needs. Trying to treat her according to your evaluation of important personality, character, interest and ability traits is not Godly home leadership.
This is what "second to your love of God" ultimately means. We are most secure and responsive being that kind of second…least secure and responsive when playing second to a husband's love of self.
Yes! I love that. I actually have a blog post in the works about that exact thought process! Thanks!
A gentle kiss on my neck when my husband comes home from work every day is one of the finest ways my husband shows what I mean to him. He sees me for what I am, all right; he calls me (affectionately) HIS mess. 🙂
That’s awesome. Love it!