9 Suggestions for Winning Back The Heart Of Your Wife

In working with marriages in distress I’ve discovered most men have injured the women in their life emotionally, at least at some level. To understand how this can happen one needs to first understand one of the ways men and women are usually different. Most men are predominantly thinking beings – they receive and process experiences in life in a predominately rational and logical way. If someone says something which offends a man he will accept or dismiss it based on whether it is true.

Most women are different. Women are usually more in tune with their emotions. They are often more relationally aware. When life happens to them their dominant reaction is often to respond emotionally first. When someone hurts a woman’s feelings, for example, even though the information they receive may be false, it takes them longer to work through the feelings associated with the emotional injury. 

(Of course both of these two paragraphs are general statements, but they ring true for most men and women.) I would contend though – every woman’s heart is injured to a certain extent. (And, fairly, probably every man’s.) Sometimes this injury occurs gradually over time. Sometimes it comes suddenly through serious breaches in the marriage trust.

The heart, speaking in terms of the seat of our emotions, was created much like other parts of the body. When a finger is broken the body is designed to instantly start to heal and protect itself from further injury. When a person takes a swing at you your natural reaction is to put your hands up in defense.

The same is true of the heart. When a person’s heart is injured, it goes into a self-protective mode to keep it from further injury. Over time, after years of injury, the heart becomes almost calloused, refusing to allow anyone to injure the heart again. A woman who has had years of emotional injury doesn’t have much heart left to give to anyone, but especially to the one who has done the injury. She has closed off her heart to keep from being hurt anymore.

Most men enjoy trying to “fix” problems, but men cannot fix their wife’s emotions. Emotions are not repaired as easily as one could fix a leaking faucet or program a computer. So what is a man to do if he feels his wife’s heart is injured? How do you heal a broken heart? 

Of course, Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor. He can come in, erase all the pain, and make the heart brand new. Most of the time, however, at least in my experience, He lets us wrestle with life’s heartache while we learn to better love one another.

The following steps are designed for a man to help heal his wife’s heart. This post developed when a pastor came to me with a horrible story of his wife’s sexual abuse as a child. Even today she struggles to trust any man, including her husband. I gave him this advice.

Here are 9 suggestions for winning back the heart of your wife:

Seek God

Whatever draws you closer to God is a good thing — and will make you a better man, regardless of what happens with your marriage. When you are attempting to rekindle your wife’s love, use this time to develop and strengthen your relationship with God. It starts, as all relationships with God begin, through a recognition of who Christ is and your belief in Him. Start there and grow.

Practice patience.

The first thing men need to do is to recognize restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight. Emotions heal very slowly. Steps should begin to restore an injured heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too soon.

Love your wife

This is by far their greatest need. Most wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is perfection, since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. As imperfect men we will actually never love our wife enough. The wife knows, however, when the husband’s attention is somewhere else. Many men sacrifice their marriage for their careers or other interests. A wife’s love need is new every day. A wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband’s affections. 

I have found for my love for my Cheryl to grow I need Christ’s help. I pray for this often.

Romance her

Every woman has a certain need for romance. Many wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They realize early in marriage this isn’t reality, but their need for occasional romance remains. Most men rarely know how to do this. A man should be genuine, but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife and find ways to give her romance. 

I gave my wife a “romantic” trip to New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk through Central Park, and just enjoy each other. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance category with my wife.

Value words

When a man comes home and says “This house is a mess”, being a mostly factual being, that’s probably all he meant. He looked around, made a physical observation, and stated a factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the information that way. The wife most likely heard lots of negative information, such as, “You have done nothing all day”, or maybe even, “I don’t like you.” This sounds impossible to most guy’s rational minds, but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether it was the intended response or not. Men need to learn how to be gentle with their wives and the words they use.  

One question I ask men, “Would you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?”

Communicate on her terms

Many women communicate best heart to heart – not head to head.  A man should allow his wife to see his heart. He should be willing to be vulnerable with her. Men may need to ask their wives to help them learn how to say things to her. Men cannot talk to their wives as they would their guy friends. Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in communication.

Give constant assurance

Trust is an important need for a woman in relationships. The wife needs to know that her husband is going to be faithful. Men should not take offense, for example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the activities of their day. The wife desires to be a partner in her husband’s life and these details help her provide trust and security in the relationship. A man should also tell his wife frequently he loves her and is committed to her. She needs this consistent assurance.

Learn to Live by Truth

Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions. We need truth. Emotions are often unreliable. A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse. Men should gently, but consistently speak truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life. Over time – truth, when given with love, can help heal damaged emotions.

Keep doing it!

The heart is damaged over years and years of injury. Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small in terms of the magnitude of the incident. Years of emotional injury builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed.  The erasing of the pain will happen just as it was developed – a little bit at a time. The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop. Protecting a woman’s heart must become a lifestyle.

Recently I was talking with a man whose wife is experience deep depression. As I talked with this man it became apparent that, though probably unknowingly, he had been damaging his wife’s heart for years. He cannot seem to understand why his wife is so emotional; “Everything seems to upset her”, he said. The man told me he had tried to help her through her problems and everything they had going against them he could “fix” if she would let him. I am not sure I could have ever convinced this man his attempts at “repair” were probably one of the chief causes of his wife’s broken heart.

Most men tell me they don’t know how to be who their wife needs them to be or wants them to be. I believe if we want to win back the heart of our wife we may need to learn how. It’s never too late to begin!

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125 thoughts on “9 Suggestions for Winning Back The Heart Of Your Wife

  1. I really love her with all my heart and if wasn’t for my way of thinking and being then I’m sure I wouldn’t be going thru this right now! At first I couldn’t have asked for anyone any better cause she was and still is everything to me but me being who I was was slowly pushing her away ! I beg for this with all my heart to come back to who we were before!

  2. i have told my wife many times that i am sorry for doing inapproiate things with other women.she says she is tired of hearing sorry.she wants to know why i kissed another womans hand a few time,she wants to know why i spent some nights away from home with friends, she wants to know why i spent some time with another woman that is known for cheating on her own husband sexually and i say i wouldnt cheat on her this way, she wants to know why I lied and continued to go to a place where there was ayoung girl that flirted with me,she wants to know why i stare at certain yonger women with her there, she wants to know why at times i treat my female friends better than her.i get mad and tell her i dont know why. i love her but i dont know how to show it.

  3. have tried all the options that you had mentioned but 8 yrs and shrinking hope. just not sure what to do. she is emotionally cut off and just nothing works.

  4. I have been married to my wife for 22 years. 3rd for both of us. No magic answers or advice here, other than the fact that we still love each other and keep going in spite of each other’s frailties and weaknesses.
    Mistakes, issues & problems from both our sides, but what I have learned thus far, is that there are no sides…we are one and I will always see my wife as part of me. I know I am part of her. Can’t imagine life without her.
    Never give up and always seek the Lord’s help, guidance and His strength. Apart from Jesus Christ and God’s love, we can do nothing on our own.

  5. I was married to my wife for 7 years. we had a 6 years old daughter who is attending elementary school. my wife left me and the kid and went to leave with her family in another province. she is a woman who doesn't talk too much. many time it is me who does all the talking when things are not right and she will just sit and cry, she will not even talk back at me. she never complaint about anything. many times I do not understand what normally goes on in her mind. all this arguments and fighting happens once a wile. we were doing fine till one time she told me she want to go and visit her family, so I allowed her. once she left and was with her family we usually have good communication through the phone. However one time she called me and said I have mistreated her and assault her so many times, and she said she wont come back to me. however in some instant she will call me again and ask me to assist her with some finance for her needs and I do assist her. but this time its almost a month now she switched off her phone completely which made it hard for me to get in touch with her. I do not know ether she will come back to me or not. what do I do?

  6. i am not alone I see. My story is very similar , been married for 12 years , 3 beautiful children, and have deeply deeply hurt my wife. And it was all while calling myself a follower of Christ. My wife has completely checked out emotionally and can't express she has any hope. I have confessed my sins to God and her and have asked for forgiveness. I don't want to be that man ever again.
    its hard knowing that there is nothing I can do to restore this marriage, all I can do is find a new way to love her each day . I am in constant prayer seeking Jesus' help, comfort, strength , and wisdom and am now more like Him because of this . I am thankful she is still open to praying with me and cherish anything she can give, Some days it's just still being there .
    The Lord is working, and I'm committed to love her every day even if she leaves. I wish I could take away the pain, I wish I could make her happy again, I wish she could trust me again, but at this point , I have no control over that. I keep pointing her to Jesus as He loves her like know one can. His love is perfect.
    While I will always hope in our marriage, this pain I am going through has brought me to a greater hope in what Jesus has planned . My desire to live the way He wants is my biggest desire.
    As children of God, we need not fear, he has said his power will be made perfect through weakness. We need to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable . He is our refuge and ever present help in times of trouble. Let us put on the helmet of salvation , be strong, and stay firm. Romans 12:12 has been a great encouragement : be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
    The pain is hard, real hard, bring you to your knees in tears hard, but God's grace is sufficient for every need. He will wipe away every tear. Keep praying for your wives, pray that their broken hearts would be healed by Jesus, pray for their protection from the one who still seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. They might not open up to us, but we are called to love them unconditionally and can lift them up before the Lord.
    Jesus is our hope and will never turn us away!

  7. I have been married for one year and I thought everything was perfect and then about six days ago my wife told me that her ex The father of her son told her that he loved her and didn't care she was married and Kister on the cheek and said he was sorry for the way he treated her now give me the fact that we got married about six weeks after she left him spur the moment I loved her I told her for three weeks I was going to get married to her and she thought I was kidding and on the third week she agreed to marry me she told me she love me she didn't want to lose me well she got served child custody papers by her ex about two weeks before we got married I gave up everything to move to Texas with her and now as of four days ago she is having split feelings saying that she loves him 50% with her heart and she loves me 50% with her heart and it just recently came up before she hated his guts before she was mad at him but he realized that he wanted a life with the sun instead of fighting for his son which we were gonna let him see his son and have daddy time but she wants all the time with her son to herself and she's thinking of leaving me and saying that for the past eight months that she's happy but I've heard her things in her past that I have joked about that towards her but certain situations that she has been in not intentionally and now my marriage has about a month she gave me that Tom went to a month and I'm trying to fix it but she doesn't want to talk she doesn't want me texting her while I'm at work even though I'm not doing anything what do I do how do I break her wall down to get my wife back to have her see all the good me and realize that every chance she gave him has dramatically failed they were together for three years he's cheated on her she cheated on him he's glad to hear he's been very aggressive to her and treated her like she was a piece of shit and his her from the world but yet she's forgetting about all that and see in the good that they had momentarily

  8. Thank you. Many women baulk at the idea of submitting to their husbands (Eph 5:22) without realising the husband is commanded to love her to the point of giving up his life as Jesus did (v.23). Timely and godly reminder for husbands to put into practice and wives to appreciate submission.

  9. I am currently going through a time where I have really hurt my wife emotionally and she has now shut down her emotions for me. For years she has supported, pushed and cared for me with nothing in return. I haven’t been the best husband and I feel like I have tried to fix things which have just made it worse. After reading this article I am definitely going to try this emotional response and take note of the patience side of things. Otherwise I will lose my beautiful wife and the amazing life we had planned together.

      • I am headed to divorce court soon and I have myself to blame.. I would do anything to have my wife back and our family restored. We have three children. I did some foolish things that I truly regret. Please pray for us. Thank you so much…

  10. My wife is hurt and broken right now and it kills me. I know I hurt here but not being truthful about our financial situation and it cause her to think of her past. I know what I have to do but how to I respond when she says I feel broken and upset ?

    • Dear Mr Brandon . I’m a Muslim. Just to share with you that being truthful is always the best.
      Situations may be bad.
      But don’t compromise the importance of transparency.
      Good luck.

  11. I have been going through a lot of problems with my fiance that I have brought upon us. I would be emotionless to her I would show the actions of not caring or not showing interest in her conversation she would try to have with me and not that I did it on purpose but that I didn’t pay any attention that I was doing these actions, and my bad actions rubbed off on her and now she shows me the careless actions that I was doing to her. I was so emotionless to my fiance that at times when we got into arguments and she would start crying I would be quick to shout at her and ask “why do you get so emotional when we argue?” Those words took a such a big toll her after hearing one too many times that she stop showing emotion to me and hiding it. I became so terrible that I got to a point where I wasn’t showing her any type of attention and every time we got into she would shut down and instead of me being there holding her I would walk out and just go smoke hoping that it would just blow off and everything just go back to normal but that didn’t happened it just distanced us from our love and care that she would faithfully show me and I miss it everyday. Right now our relationship is very rocky and she announced to me a couple months she want to be in an open relationship. How do I repair my fiance heart and gain back her care and emotions?

  12. My wife knew about the third party that I'm in to. She noticed the changes and confronted me, and I told her, everything, that I'm with someone. There are things that I want, emotional , concerns, love and care that I often ask my wife, and she couldn't address those needs. The girl came in, filled up the things that I need, we both comfortable to each other, she knew, that I'm married, so we didn't label our relationship. We just hold the "friendship" status. I'm confused as the love goes deep, and I want to end the affair. One day I shutdown the affair, and told my wife about it. I'm just being so selfish. I didn't see the reason why she can't fill it in, she's too busy to taking care of our kids, household chores, work, and she doesn't even have time for herself. Now our relationship is at stake, there are times that, we're good, happy, enjoy things together, but every time she remembered the incident, she'll get mad, now she want space, I don't know how to give that to her, I'm afraid someone would take advantage of our situation. I want to save this marriage. I hope this is just a humps in our way.

  13. Hi Ron,

    Some great words of wisdom and insight. I have been married for over 20 years & am trying new ways to win my wife back. We were so close to separation/divorce and trying many of your helpful tips on wining her back. So far so good, it is a very slow process. I am practicing patience and love and constant reassurance and words of encouragement, but at time get discouraged when I receive little or no response. We also have not had any intimacy for about a year or more as she has no desire and seems to be moving away from the lord spiritually, which concerns me. Our teen age kids are very supportive and most of our lives are filled with meeting their needs, to distract from meeting our own needs. At times I feel that I am the only family member that wants to participate in attending church or spiritual matters (Seeking God). I do pray often and have hope that the lord will turn this marriage covenant in the right direction. I know that her heart is closed to me right now, but slowly I see signs, at times, of it opening up again. Pray for us that we will diligently seek his will for us and her heart will open up to the lord and I soon. Blessings and Thank you!

  14. I love my wife deeply. We have been married for 23 years. And we have a 5 year old son. I Unintentionally Hurt her For years by verbal abuse. Now she started a new job and was talking with a guy there. I’m so very afraid. What do I do now. She said she will not talk to this guy anymore and we will work on us and are marriage. And there may be a 50/50 Chance it could work between us. I’m asking for any advice And prayers. GOD said that a man should love his wife as GOD loves the Church. So I know as men. We will fall short of that.. We just have to do are best to be open and honest and loving With are wives.. Don’t be pushy, and let them have a little space.. Please pray for me and my wife.

    • Hey man I read your post and am going through the exact same thing. She ended it with this dude,and now she wants space to figure out if.she still loves me or not. I am crushed and trying to.change everyday. How are things with you two now?

  15. my of was upset because I hardly got to see her since 10/02/15 and then said she wanted space.I was afraid that she was going to leave so I literally text and call for a time then she got upset and said we are over,we aren’t together.I got crazy and started saying things to get her back then she text and said she was sick of me,I was driving her nuts and anything I say cannot change her mind.I stopped texting her 11/23/15 and I don’t know if she will come back.please help me and guide me on how to have her in my life again.I truly love her

  16. my wife moved out on 7/31/15 we started talking again on sept.23 2015 we went out a few times for dinner so I said some thing to my stepson that mon and I are started to see each other again and going to take it slow well the stepson or stepdaughter went back and told my wife have not herd from her in 3days so I sent her e mail and a phone call and heard nothing I need help

  17. I don’t know how to make it up to my wife after a big fight between us fews days ago. I was yelling at her, on her face, called her all the names is the book and spit on her. They she went to the bathroom and cried alot. You think I have any idea why i did what i did?! I dont know what set me off. I keep having flashbacks for the whole fight, i cry just coz i hurt her, i made her cry. Bought flowers & gifts and said sorry alot, and i meant my apologies. I really regret it. I never treat a woman like this, let alone my wife. Since then she never talks to me. She’s even disgusted that im her husband. I’m dusgusted of myself. Cant even go on with my day at work, my eyes full of tears everytime i think about what i did, and her voice crying in the bathroom. I’m crying as i’m writing right now. I love her so much. I don’t know how make it up to her. I don’t know what to do! Please advise me

  18. I've been very prayerful but I times it has been tough. I really need prayer for my wife and our marriage that God will heal my family and break down barriers and walls that have formed in my wife's heart. God has been working on me to become a better husband and father, but of course my wife doesn't trust me she is waiting for me to go back to the way I was. I am leaning and depending on God to change my situation and bring my family back together. I love my wife but she doesn't or won't love me right now. She says that she is keeping an open mind and being optimistic but it seem as if she is still seeing the past. I pray that God grants me patience to wait and continue to trust that my prayers will be answered and my kids are praying for our family as well. Please everyone pray for me and my wife to renew our marriage and grow together.

  19. Do you have an article or information to provide regarding being separated for years with no divorce and how to restore a marriage when the other party is not willing and believes you are an unbeliever? She wants out but will not say so and we don't talk, yet she is in the church and the church stays out of it and tries to send us off to counseling outside the church. I have waited years and she and our children move on. I am stuck! I have had counseling for years but am very traumatized not seeing our children etc.

  20. My wife of nearly 20 years is separating from me because I went through periods of depression several times in our marriage, and the most recent one–also affected by a physical health issue–was long and arduous. Now that I am getting better, and some medical issues have been taken care of, she is still leaving.
    But having read this, many years after it was posted, I think I understand even more my role over the time of the separation as I hope that she will reconcile with me. I think I will hope right up until we are sitting at a table about to sign divorce papers.
    Thanks for your post. I hope I make it to my goal of letting my wife heal so she will let me back into her heart.

  21. Hey my name is Paul although Paul is really not my name i wish i can tell you my really name but i don’t think it will be wise to do that. I have a big happy family my wife with my two boys. They are my all and all in this world. My miserable life would have be over a long time ago if not for them and my wife is the most, let me just say that she is wonderful. Like very marriage we always had our own problems she wanted me to be always around her and the kids but i work at the embassy. It so hard to avoid coming home late and living very early first thing in the morning i though she understood that. Quitting was not an option cos i love what i do and more over my pay is really beautiful. To an extent i lead my marriage into the problem we found ourselves i should have tried harder i should have not assumed that all was well when all indication showed that they weren’t. Honestly i owe my happiness and improved marriage life to Metod Acamu a spell caster that help get my wife back cos she was on the verge of leaving for another guy a fashion photographer. Now that i am thinking of it, she left me for the guy she was with him for months before metodo helped me with the spell that brought her back to me and my boys. I use to think money makes every woman stay but no she in are awesome nature proved me wrong. All she wanted was to be loved just as how she loved me and i failed. All those while i was at work all day long, she felt too lonely that she fell into the arms of the photographer. Her mind was made up she wanted a new life with the guy she was sure he would give to her all i could not give her. Every thing happened all of a sudden that i didn’t get a chance to try and fight for her she just left. I was glad she left my boys with me and was not going to war for custody of them at least it was way too early for that. For months i thought that i could leave without her as long as my boys were with me but we missed her mostly me. I never needed anybody the way i was in need of my wife to return back to me. We still talked during our short separation but each time i bring about us as a topic she always find an excuse to end everything. Honestly i don’t know if she was mad at me or she was no longer in love with me anymore. As scared as i was to loss her, i took a step to contact Metodo Acamu to help me get her back. I first heard about him on the internet there were quite a number of comment about him on blogs and even on Facebook so he just seemed like the perfect person to help me out with my problem at that moment in time and just as i thought , he was the right person. You may not all agree with my method but when you really desperate you can go to any length to get what you want. That was pretty much were i stood at that point in time. Metodo was wonder with me, he promised he was going to help me get her back and he did just that for me he was candid with me. He made it clear to me that he does not charge for anything he only need the materials he listed for me to get to enable him get the spell done and also told me it was almost going to be impossible for me to get the materials. Like he said the materials are not that way to force us to pay anything there are just want is needed and also you can bring the materials to his temple yourself or get the materials ever you are and mail them down to him or like me give him he money to get them which i promise you is less expensive and more stress free. All this happened few months back but now, my family is back together and we are happy just as we were before. You can also read all other comment on the internet about and how Metodo Has helped a lot of people. This was not written to make you contact him by force it just to share with whoever cares to read how i got back together with my wife and family but if you must contact him use this email { metodoacamufortressx at yahoo dot com } use this email in the standard email form. I keep it this way to enable comment here

  22. If i give my email could you help me out with my marriage, because it got to the lowest point we have ever reached, i love my wife and pray God to not make me lose her ever but i cant seem to find the right solutions, please if you could help me but any means i’m despretaly begging you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for your post, God bless you

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  24. we have been married for last 13 years, have got 2 kids, daughter is 12 years old….my wife have been extremely emotional lady…..had an affair before her marriage that did not work out..because of my profession probably could not match up to her expectation emotionally…..just on a friendly basis i helped her find her ex and even found out his telephone number,,,and that has been the end of my life..she slowly started talking to him when i was not at home,,and carried this quite frequently for last 7-8 months, not to my notice…..one fine day when i found call details , she told it was all friendly chat…but the damage was already done….that man could impress her with all she probably needed emotionally, that lead to constant fight between us, leading to mistrust and a sense of emotional cheating….i feel betrayed, cheated. I once spoke to that man, since then the event has come to normal to some extent. I feel she wants to come out of this tangle, but just because of her deep emotional involvement, she is finding very hard to do so and even now they are in touch somehow……..please help and guide me how can i help her getting back,i love her inspite of everything and can not live without her or ruin my family….i want her back and want that she feels emotionally secure with me…am getting restless and mad….cant bear this pain

  25. When You're Separated & Wife Will Not Talk, it seems hopeless. Frustration, immaturity & not having a relationship with Christ hurt a lot. I left her twice she took me back but nothing seemed to change. I'm the one at fault, we are Christians but the extreme Silent Treatment just leaves me helpless. So all I do is Pray for us both & that somehow her heart softens. Don't know what to do.

  26. want to give a special thanks to DRCUBATEMPLE that helped me got my partner back. my name is SANDRA DICKSON, early this year, i and my husband started having some issues and he left me and the kids even when i loved him so much. I was fustrated to the extent that i started looking for links on the internet on how to get him back. One day i came accross a testimony in which a lady was testifying of how this DR; CUBA helped her got her man back i was able to contact this DR;CUBA and helped me put everything in order and my husband came back to me just as i wanted. this DR; CUBA is great if you know you have any problem here is his email address DRCUBATEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

  27. At some point as a man who respect themselves we have to be prepared to divorce.
    Its not our lives work to turn cold stone to warm flesh.

  28. i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to DR.agbadi who brought back my love that has left me for 6years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to DR.agbadi and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address:dragbadilaguspelltemple@gmail.com or you can also reach him through his mobile number,+2347067607812

  29. my names are Leonard Wilsonian want to testify to the how world of my good experience with Dr UDUEHI the spell caster, my wife ran away from our marriage after 3 years of marriage because she was felt i was not the right man for her due to the fact that she was been deceived by her friends in her working place . and she also took our only son along with her so after she left i was not my self because i loved her so so much so i vowed not to rest until i am able to bring my wife back home because i knew she was be deceived by her friends so i began to look for what to do so one day as i was browsing i saw a post about this Dr UDUEHI of uduehisolutiontemple@yahoo.com on how he helped a lady to restored her relationship so i decided to give him try believe me when i tell my story to Dr UDUEHI him assure me three days my wife will come back home and that was what actually happened so with these great thing Dr UDUEHI has just done for me i have promise to always share his testimonies for others to hear bye

  30. my names are Leonard Wilsonian want to testify to the how world of my good experience with Dr UDUEHI the spell caster, my wife ran away from our marriage after 3 years of marriage because she was felt i was not the right man for her due to the fact that she was been deceived by her friends in her working place . and she also took our only son along with her so after she left i was not my self because i loved her so so much so i vowed not to rest until i am able to bring my wife back home because i knew she was be deceived by her friends so i began to look for what to do so one day as i was browsing i saw a post about this Dr UDUEHI of uduehisolutiontemple@yahoo.com on how he helped a lady to restored her relationship so i decided to give him try believe me when i tell my story to Dr UDUEHI him assure me three days my wife will come back home and that was what actually happened so with these great thing Dr UDUEHI has just done for me i have promise to always share his testimonies for others to hear bye

  31. I would appreciate prayers for my family.I have done a lot of damage and am wanting to change for the better.I am 3 1/2 years sober now and my ex has opened the door to Christian counseling.I am very thankful for this ,but am scared I will mess it up.Please ,someone pray for us.Thank you,Rob

  32. I really miss my wife and wish and pray every night that I could turn back time to the days of happiness but I feel like I'm losing an endless battle. If there is 1 wish I could have or 1 last pray I could pray it would be to have my wife say she loves me and move on from this nightmare

  33. Every weekend she goes away with the kids and leaves me home alone which then I start feeling very sad and depressed, I work very hard for my family as we are a single income family and our over head its extremely high. She has some church friends from the church that we used to go to that tell her to leave me and judge me for what I have done and not for who I am.

  34. We live very separate lives and very rarely do anything together. I have recognized the faults that I have caused and am working extra hard to not go back to that life style but yet she doesn't seem to accept the change and progress I am making. She lives in the past and rehashes all the negative things I have done which in return sets me back. I try so hard to show her how sorry I am and that I am changing for the better but yet anything I do is not go enough.

  35. Wow I am so happy I came across this website and by reading all the post I feel that I'm finally not alone. I have been in an 8 year common law relationship with the most wonderful woman any man could be with, we have 3 beautiful daughters together and I am a very proud father to them. My wife and I are going through major issues in our life and I truly believe it is all my fault but others don't see it that way. I have done so much wrong to her that her heart has been shattered but yet we are still together.

  36. Why is it that when you are doing the best that you can to please her and then when something goes wrong it all goes out the window. Then they accuse me of never doing anything for her.

        • The same trap I had fallen into; pleasing my wife. I'm not saying be mean to her. A man is to love his wife without condition. Pleasing is always looking for a payback. My wife didn't want "Mr. Nice Guy" whose aim is to never say "no". She has lost respect for me because instead of leading, I was pleasing and not trying to be needy. I used that strategy, failed to connect emotionally, and she went and had an emotional affair. She has hardened her heart against me and we are living a separated lifestyle in-house.

          So my encouragement to guys is to stop trying to be Mr. Nice Guy using pleasing (yes cleaning and trying to do everything for her) and learn to love and lead her as God has directed. Thanks Ron for you site.

  37. Hi there, Over the past few days, I have been doing some serious soul searching. I am devastated. Received an EMAIL from my wife of 21 years (2 small kids), that she wanted a divorce. I have been under huge financial (Lost my large business) and emotional turmoil (Family member passing) for the past year, and have not paid much attention to her. She also travels a lot. Up to 4 weeks at a time. I know there are other men out there giving her the emotional attention she is craving. I have had therapy for the past 6 months and recently opened my own business again. I am stronger and have a spring in my step. I feel it might be too late.
    What can I do, to change her mind.. I love her with all my heart, and can’t go through with more emotional turmoil tight now. Any suggestions from a practical point. We start Divorce mediation in a few days. I have laid my troubles to the Lord, and asked for forgiveness, and guidance..Thanks for a great read..

    • You can't change a heart. God can. You can only do actions which may influence. I would encourage you to get counseling even if she won't go. Get it for yourself.Then find the book “How to save your marriage alone” by Ed Wheat. Short little helpful book. Praying for you.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  38. Hi My name is "john" just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it… You can email him via ekpensolutionspellcasting@gmail.com Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

  39. Thank you. I am in a situation where I am living in the basement separate from my wife. I have hurt her over time just like you wrote, I didn't even know it. I have left her feeling alone even though I am always here. I work and come home. I love being home. Being with my family, but I apparently were only here in body. I feel as low as I can after she told em this and she is so angry with me. I am doing many of the things that you said to do but I struggle to not try to "fix" it overnight. I have never felt such pain and my eyes have been opened. I want to love her so much and comfort her. I understand her lack of "trust". I don't know what to do. I text her daily and tell her I love her. I'm careful not to over do it. I give her space and am working on patientence. I feel like I should DO something but I don't know what. I am amazed at all the similar stories on here. I can't believe how bad men hurt their wives.

  40. What in the heck is a spell caster? Not trying to be rude, but I'm reading these deep heartfelt messages and wonderful supporting replies then I get to your post and I'm completely baffled. What in the hell are you talking about?

  41. Ron, I’ve been married for 15 yrs & together for almost 18 yrs. I had a number of yrs of drug abuse, 4 yrs ago my wife left & I got sober. We reconciled after 8 months apart. After 3 yrs of being sober, I tried to drink, and did the last yr. my wife told me she had enough & was done with me. I went back to AA, but we split up a week ago. She says she cares for me, but isn’t in love with me. I know I was wrong, but how can I get her & my 3 kids back? I’m in a lot of pain, and asking God for help

    • Jim, I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you a quick remedy or easy answer to get your family back. I can't. This will depend on her as much as you. I can suggest you continue to work on you. That's the best thing for you and your family, even if only for your kids, regardless of what happens.That was my day's story. He got his family back only after we were adults and he was 15 years from the end of his life, but he died a happy man. I'd hope your life ends as well as he did, but sooner, but most of that depends on you and not them.Praying for you.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  42. Thank you Ron for your website; I found it last year when my wife of 16 years left me…. She hadn't physically left (yet), but she told me she didn't like me, didn't want to be married to me, and wan't sure if she even loved me. But she had definitely already left emotionally. And as an added kick in the teeth, she had opened her heart to someone else.
    Through those struggles and pain, God stretched me. He more or less used that crises to break me and remake me. God is always faithful, even when we are not; He never gives up on us… He always wants more for us and from us. To be frank, it was gut-wrenchingly difficult, and my heart goes out to every man here who has suffered the loss of a wife's love (because I've been there)… But to love her as Christ loves the Church is a husbands God given obligation (even when there's no reciprocation,) and that's something we cannot do by our own strength.
    I encourage you to seek godly counsel, pray with/for your wife, stay in the Word daily, and make it your ambition to be the most God fearing husband, father, and man you can be; trust in God to be your all! It must be Christ shining through us for any real chance at winning back the heart of a wife. Of course, there is no sure-fire solution to winning back the heart of your wife, but one thing is for sure, if you sincerely take the steps here as Ron suggests, you will be a better man for it, and in a better position for God to use you in regards to your spouse.
    Today, by His grace, my wife and I are living out a marriage that brings honor and glory to Him! Our's is a testimony to His unfailing love and power. He has redeemed our marriage; He has renewed our hearts and minds… He has graciously restored our love & admiration for each other. In short, He worked a miracle for our relationship, and now we are enjoying each other like never before!
    I pray that men who find this will be encouraged. Love her for her, and do it for Him… Please allow God to use you to minister to your wife.

  43. God has forgiven me and has helped me to forgive me and now as I search for a place to live away from our home I ask for your prayers that my wife is able to forgive me even if she can't bring herself to continue in our marriage.

  44. Thank you so much for this article, I can totally relate to everything as I am in this position with my wife at the moment. The part that has touched me the most and helped me through the last few days is when you said Jesus could erase the pain and make the heart new, but more often he lets us wrestle the heartache while we learn to better love each other. What a powerful message that is, and what an impact that has had on my thoughts for our future. Having turned my back on god the last few years and questioned my faith, reading that simple sentence makes me realise that god never turns his back on us, his children. I am now so positive that I am going to be a much better person and a better husband to my loving wife. Thank you so much. Richard x

  45. Ron,
    I cannot believe how many of us men make the same mistake. My beloved wife of 31 yrs told me she has lost herself in trying to make me happy and wants out. I realized that I have clinical depression and have just started taking meds and seeing a counselor. We still live together (in separate rooms) and I of course have been trying to give her space and have been reading everything I can to learn how to love her the correct way. We talk occasionally and she says there is a small glimmer of hope.

    I have been praying.. but I admit I am selfish. I pray for her to be happy (but of course, with me). I pray to God that I can be the man she needs, to be happy.

  46. my wife of 10yrs left me,and only 2weeks after we sepersted was seeing another man. i found this out from a friend of hers.I love my wife and confronted her on this.She says she broke off the relaisonship,i have not been a good husband and she keeps telling me she needs time! why is she with him and why wont she give me a chance? We seem to fight all the time and its mostly because i keep asking her to give me a chance! She says she needs time to her self but i know she is still talking to him and its killing me! We have 4 children and we have fought in front of them and i know now we can do that! i cant seem to stop myself from bring up us,she will not let me touch her or stay at the house!What do i do?

  47. I finally told him what I was going thru, and he essentially told me to "get over it". He was angry at me for still being hurt. He, in fact, saw himself as a victim because I refer to his past behavior as abusive, and to him as being an abuser. This is classic for him. His accusation against me is always that I am verbally abusive. He uses a "victim mentality" to insulate himself from the truth about himself. Once, he was yelling insult after insult at me, and when I told him that he could believe those lies if he wanted to, but I didn't, he was horrified that I had called him a liar! Again, I had verbally abused him! **gasp**

    Of course, it's irrational. He has a crazy irrational need to deny what he has done, who he has been and continues to be just because he refuses to admit it. But he must have admitted it on some level, to be able to stop being abusive, right?

    The sad part is that he has a wife and step-daughter who know exactly who he is and what he has done, and we love him anyway. God has helped us immensely, my daughter and I, and we rejoice in His healing work in our lives, but my heart is still wounded by my husband's refusal to acknowledge my pain. And I think until he does, I need to be aware that it could happen again.

    I am wounded and hurt, and sometimes feel myself growing cold to him. He has been distant with me since a few weeks ago when I told him that I was still wounded by the past. He told me I had attacked him and it is up to me to "fix it". And frankly, I don't care that much. But I do. I want a happy, safe, nurturing marriage, and man alive, if I could change something in me to magically make it so, I would. But I suspect that this is a 2 person deal, and that is scary to me.

    I guess I write all this to get it out, and to ask you to pray. I don't know what to do about how I feel, other than keep talking to God and work on forgiving my husband for the new wounds. How do I not close my heart for protection? I don't know if I am brave enough to remain open….

    • Sadly, the man always seems to want to "get over it" before the woman is able to. Men heal emotionally much faster than women. I would very much recommend the two of you read the book and perhaps do the accompanying Bible study of "Love and Respect". See the ministry here: http://www.loveandrespect.com/ Praying for you.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

      • Thanks, Ron. I'll check out the site and see if I can get the book.

        I think one of the reasons my husband has "healed" faster is that, and I know this sounds self-serving, but I really do think it is true, he has less to heal from. He was not physically assaulted. He was not criticized and verbally battered for days on end. In the first 2 years of our marriage, I lost my temper on my own w/o an attack from him, only twice. It may make one furious when one is lying and someone calls them a liar, but it doesn't wound in the same way as if he was innocent. When he was angry, there were no limits on what he would say, even telling me that his ex-girlfriend was better in bed than I am, repeatedly.

        I think he doesn't lie in bed at night fighting the litany of names and insults because there isn't one. Plus, it is in his best interest to "forget" a period of his life where he violated every principle that he valued for himself as a man, a Christian and a husband. He's in hiding.

        I've repented of the things that I have done, and I feel forgiven. Despite the provocation, I know that if I had turned to God in a greater way, He would have helped me maintain self-control and a loving attitude towards my husband. I feel free of these failings. I am just not free from the wounds.

        Thanks so much for praying, Ron. I know that the answer lies in God and his wonderful healing, redemptive power. Also, His protection for me and my child. We serve a truly awesome God!

  48. My husband and I went thru a time a few years ago when we were newly married where we were both very discouraged and depressed. My depression manifested itself in withdrawal, introspection, and sorrow. I am also chronically ill and the stress of our situation made my illness worse, so I was in a lot of physical pain.

    My husband's depression expressed itself in extreme irritation, anger, aggressiveness and even violence. He was especially irritated at my unhappiness, which was caused by a series of losses and betrayals by my church and family, including the loss of all of my close friends but one. I kept telling him that I just needed some time to work out my hurt, but he was hurt too and was demanding that I "get it together" emotionally as well as physically so that I would make him feel better. Of course, I struggled to deal with my feelings in this kind of pressure, and physically I was not well and couldn't do anything about it! I began to get angry, and even to respond to his violence with violence, throwing things back at him, slamming doors, breaking things, etc.

    He kicked in doors, including the bathroom door while I was in it, threw things at me, broke things in the house, pushed me, cornered me so that I couldn't get away from his angry lectures, flicked a lit cigarette butt into my hair, and purposely tried to startle unexpectedly because the stress would increase my physical pain (I also have heart problems). Eventually his physical violence against me became dangerous. I soon realized that when I reacted to his violence with violence, I was giving him weapons to use against me. If I confronted him on his violent behaviour, he would just accuse me of being the same. He would be angry and aggressive for days at a time, but if after 3 days of misery I lost it and mouthed off or threw something, I would become the focus, the "problem".

    So I stopped reacting and just focused on avoiding him when he was in a rage. My daughter from a previous marriage and I had to escape the house twice for our safety. We were separated for months at a time after those 2 incidents.

    The past few years have been different. I believe God healed him from his depression, as he has not suffered the irrational, days-long, aggressive anger for years. He is much more patient, and is willing to work on himself and handles negative things much better now. When he hurts me and I tell him, he is usually repentant rather than defensive. He has made remarkable changes, and I am proud of him.

    I believe that he has done this with the help of God, as we rarely talk about the violence of our first few years. I avoid it because of the anxiety attached, and because even though he has changed, he is still fiercely protective of himself as far as recognizing that he was a violent, abusive man. The few times we have talked about it, he has tried to defend himself by blaming me. This makes me so angry and hurt, I risk losing control of my tongue. But I am realizing that I carry a lot of rage in me because of the horrific things he did and said to me. I have forgiven him, I think, because I am able to feel love for him and to enjoy being in his presence and our intimate life is special. But whenever we disagree on something, I find rage rising in me and I can become vicious, verbally. When he gets irritated or angry, it frightens me, which I think must be normal, but my fear leads to anger. Because he hasn't openly confessed to me and repented to me, I feel like there is a part of our "oneness" that cannot be reconciled, no matter how much I forgive. Is that possible?

    • Yes, it's possible and I've seen it happen many times. Is it easy? No. Is there great work to be done. Absolutely. Most couples give up in the challenge it seems. Most changes like this take years. I'm praying for you to have patience, supernatural strength, and an overwhelming sense of God's love and provision.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  49. I'm very happy I found this blog and know that I'm not alone. I'm not proud to say that I have not lived my life very well the last 2 years, and especially the last 6 months. Though it was unintentional, I have pushed my wife down and hurt her more than anyone deserves. Ever since she failed out of her nursing program all I could think about was how it was going to affect us financially. She came to me to tell me she failed out and all she needed was a hug and to be told it was okay. Instead I just got angry and turned away. Ever since then I have not had an encouraging word to say. Instead I hid away from the world in the basement and forced her to make all the decisions. A week ago she was ready to leave me (and I don't blame her). Looking back now I see all the times she tried to talk to me and I just didn't listen. I was so wrapped up in my schooling and what I was trying to do, I turned everyone away. To make matters worse, I would tell anyone else that asked that it wasn't her fault, that 75% of the students failed out and that it was more on the teachers than the students. However, I couldn't tell her that. The one person that needed to hear it.

    She has changed her mind… sort of. We are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, though not close together. The hard part is she will talk to her family about things, but refuses to speak to me about the matter. If I bring us up, she gets extremely angry and says she doesn't want to talk about it. If I try to play along then things go smoothly, for the most part. There is still no hugging or intimacy involved in any way, either emotional or physical, not that I expect there to be right now.

    To make matters more complicated, I am supposed to leave for a month of military duty in 3 months and then to pharmacy school (which is almost 4 hours away and lasts 4 years) shortly after that. While a month apart may help, I'm afraid if I go to school that our marriage won't survive, but she absolutely refuses to hear of me not going. I think she's afraid that if I don't go I'll blame her for it later. I just don't know how to make her understand that all I want is for our family to stay intact. My father in law thinks that the time apart may help, but I just don't see it.

    My father-in-law says she's willing to give me another chance, but it's so hard to not get down sometimes.

    • Chad, thank you for sharing your story. Your transparency is refreshing and that attitude will hopefully help you to bring restoration to your marriage. I'm praying for you. The process that got you here didn't happen overnight. Don't think that resolving or restoring the marriage will take any less time. Hang tight!
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

      • Thank you Ron, and thank you for this site. Just knowing that there are those like you out there is more encouraging than you can know. I just hope I haven't ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

  50. Hi again, Ron,
    just wanted to say thanks for the links
    I wanted to give you a brief history of my marriage,
    my wife became a very right wing religious enthusiast, talking in tongues, seeing things floating in the air, silly prophecies about the weirdest things, lightning bolts splitting pulpits in church, and hearing God's voice telling her to do all kinds of things. She claims it was God that told her to divorce me.
    I tried and tried to show her in the bible that these things weren't so, but, met with the utmost resistance to it
    One day she demanded that I start tithing or we were going to be in court,,I just about spit
    the more she pushed it on me, the less I wanted it,,
    I lived that way for a long time,,even going to the doctor to get anti-depressants because of the anger it was causing.
    I finally blew it, and committed adultery,,,
    now, after nearly 5 years, I've tried and tried but as I said, she is really involved with this ministry from Florida, I'm sure you know who I'm talking about
    I initially contacted them because I wanted to save my marriage, but, this guy was into all of the speaking in tongues and prophecies, which she embraced and I didn't
    they supported her claim that God told her to divorce me, and so many other things that I couldn't find in the bible. It actually worked against me
    now she's involved with their forum, claiming all kinds of abuse, and helping people save their marriages by filing for divorce to get their husbands to change.
    I wonder what I'm doing actually wanting to go back to that, but, I can't help but feel that a family is "supposed" to be together,,,
    I understand a lot more now than I did then, and I"ve found it's hard to move on when you have children still at home,,
    so, as far out as I am,,,
    is there a way back?

    • I'm not going to lie to you Mark. It sounds pretty hopeless from your perspective apart from a miracle of God. I will say, however, that I've seen those miracles many times. Many other times I've seen God allow people to make very bad decisions on both sides of the marriage. I'm praying for a miracle on your end. I don't know when to tell you to let go of this and move forward with your life. I'm obviously not close enough for that. I hope you surround yourself with people that will challenge you, but give you loving guidance. You need a couple of people close enough to the situation to help you make some wise choices right now. Praying for you.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  51. Hi Ron, it's so nice to come across a page where someone professes the love of Christ and is actually in the marriage's corner. I've been divorced for nearly five years now. during my divorce I got involved with a couple from Florida by typing in a plea to God in my browser. I wanted to save my marriage so badly. It was through them that my marriage eventually was deemed dead. I still love my wife, or should I say my former wife. we still have minor children.
    I've read of marriages being healed and remarriage after divorce.
    I just really want to be back with my family, but, my wife is so involved with this couple from Florida still that there is no way I could ever do the things that would win her back. at least I don't think so
    what would you recommend?

    • Mark, that's a very difficult question to answer from what you've shared. I do believe marriages can be restored and that God still does miracles. I don't know what to advise if your wife is not open to considering talking to you. I will say that begging her is never attractive, but assuring her you love her, yet showing strength. You might consider a letter to her. I wrote details of an idea of how to do that in this post: Reply

  52. I so agree with what Cindy above said. I was thinking the same thing. I wish my husband would read this and take it to heart. I know that he would not. I can so understand what the wife was feeling in the "Keep doing it" I am so there and I think that my husband would be that exact way is someone was trying to tell him that. Thank you so much for sharing this Ron. So many men need to read this and know that it is so true.

  53. Three parts of this blog are significant to me.

    First, "A wife’s love need is new every day." Sometimes it's new every hour, sometimes every few minutes. One minute we can feel like we have all the love we ever need and then some, and the next the tank is completely empty. Sometimes it's something happening in real time that we can identify as a reason for that need, sometimes it's a memory of a time when a painful incident occurred, and other times it may just be that we've been so busy doing our own things that we haven't spent enough time together and realizing the distance we allowed or created.

    Second, the entire paragraph entitled "Give Constant Assurance". When that assurance is absent, if I blame my husband for his distance I could harbor resentment or bitterness, and if I blame myself for the distance I can become discouraged or apathetic. Both only contribute to the problem. God can give us constant assurance of his love, and our husband's aren't God. However, God's design for marriage is that the marriage relationship is to be held in high regard above all other human relationships. For me, keeping my focus on Jesus while things aren't right with my husband is doable, but makes for a horrible day.

    Third, the paragraph about "Practice Patience" is essential, I believe, when a husband sins against his wife or vice-versa. It is just as selfish, I believe, to demand instantaneous forgiveness as it is to sin against one another to begin with. Sure, we are thankful to know the truth, but it sure is hard to be happy and grateful about sin in our spouse and brokenness in our marriage. Some sins really need time to be dealt with, and sweeping them under the carpet with only a trite "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" for the sake of "peace" is like taking off the tops of weeds in the back yard, closing the back door, and hoping that in time they will go away by themselves. Confessing sin that was going on for years, like pornography or masturbation, reframes the past, present and future. Sure, for the husband, it may have happened in the past, but for the wife just finding out, it's like being told she has cancer. She doesn't really know how much there was, is, or if it will come back, and it's really hard to get reassured of something that she can't see. Trust is proven performance over time, but how can some things be proven and how can she ever really know things are better when she didn't know what was going on before? Shattered vows take years to mend. Men who seek greater satisfaction or fulfillment through "appreciating the beauty of other women" think they are getting more, but in the long run they are robbing themselves and their marriages of the only real satisfaction or fulfillment they will ever be able to know. Spouses who spend years hurting one another will need to exercise a lot of patience if they want to fix the damage they caused.

  54. Wow, other people are experiencing the same thing I am. This is a very difficult process for me to work through. My wifes heart is closed to me. We have made progress over 6 months of going through this and she now says she loves me again. It is when we cross over to any issue of the heart she can't go there. What God has shown me is to love deeply(Christlike love), be patient, persevere, be faithful, and have no expectations of love being shown in return. This is a work that God must do himself. The most powerful thing I can do is Trust in the Lord… Really lean on Him and not try to "fix" her or change, manipulate, convince or anything else. God has been faithful to me in this situation. My counselor calls it "frozen feelings". It takes time for an iceberg to thaw. I believe my precious wife is worth the wait. God is doing a miracle. I am continuing to believe this…

  55. The mind is a fragile thing. Our emotions can over power our logical thinking and create barriers and breaks – sometimes I guess for self preservation. My story is very similar. Married nearly 20 years. Only recently did my wife "put her foot down" and told me I had hurt her for years. I was shocked. Logically I replayed my life and could only see that I wanted the best for us both. I see where some of those times I would even tell her she "shouldn't feel that way". Her emotions made no logical sense to me and I thought we were more alike so how could she "think and feel that way". I'm sure some woman might read my post and think, "what a block head", "what a jerk". But you'd be thinking emotionally and not logically. I'm am now trying to think how my words and actions can affect my wife's emotions which seem to be the main way she processes truth. This morning I wanted to read something and asked her if she wanted me to but she said no. I don't know why, but I read it anyway and then had the nerve to ask her what she thought. For the life of me I don't know why I did that but basically I wanted to share something with her I found profoundly interesting and I wanted to "enhance her life". Oh, I wish I could see those times coming and plan a better course of action. I called just a bit ago and apologized for doing that after I started reading this column. Like a slap in the face I realized what I had done. God, please help me to be a better student of my wife. Help me to forgive myself for failing and the willpower to keep on going forward. I have to confess too that I have been in anguish for about 18 months off and on. there were some very serious dark and lonely times and it brought me to my knees. I came to a scary realization that I had practically been worshiping my wife. I had put her so first that God was second. I'll not go into details what all that meant but I had to confess this to God and remind myself who created me and all he has done for me. And no matter what my wife may do, I was ultimately never going to turn my back on God. He has never failed me but people often do. I have found much advise and counsel over this hard time of my life and want to thank all those like Ron who offer it and from others like myself who share there experiences so I did not feel alone and used much of it as warnings and instructions on how to redeem so much lost life.

  56. So, lower than this would be discovering your wife woke up today thinking of harming herself and spending the next 12 hours getting her seen in an ER and having her mad as hell at you. We’re home, but she’s hardly speaking to me. At least she assured me and the folks in the ER she won’t kill herself. I am praying for the bottom to hit soon. I don’t know how much further I can fall.

    Thanks for praying.

  57. Ron, Thanks for your encouragement and prayer. i told my wife at one point today that I was seeking your prayer and advice. She seemed startled but glad. I did confront her this morning before I saw your reply. I don't think I did it very well. I tried to talk with her item by item in her email. She says she's told me everything, and she seems truly sorry for this. I guess I'm faced with accepting that she is being truthful that she has told me everything or suspecting that she's still withheld info. out of self preservation or to protect my feelings. She really seemed broken and thinks I should hate her. I've told her that no matter what I'm committed, and I really love her. I think God has really worked on her heart in the last 24 hours, and she really seems committed to ending this relationship with the other guy, and committed to loving me. I told her about reading your post about bottoming out as we talked this morning. I'm hoping we're there. I can't imagine what lower than this would be like. I so appreciate your prayer. I have a friend here who's a pastor, and he and I spoke this morning, and he's praying as well. I also called this guy because he is a friend of mine and told him. I know what's happened and it was horrible, and it needs to stop–in basically those words firmly and directly.

    Thanks.

  58. So, I thought things were really improving then this afternoon I went to open my email and my wife was still logged on and there was the email trail between her and our friend. She has at least had an emotional affair with him for awhile. She says it didn’t get physical, but I just went back to look at the emails and she had deleted everything between them except a draft she didn’t send to him. She’s seen him several times and I think it’s gotten physical. I want her so badly, but I want her to want me too, and I’m not sure that she is wanting to walk away from this guy. I’m desparate. Please pray and I’m open to suggestions.

    • Kevin, I am so sorry. When a spouse pulls away this is always something you suspect, but never want to believe. I can tell you that it becomes much more difficult when someone else is involved. If this is true, then my suggestion would be that you get to the bottom of it quickly. Still respectful and in love, with as much firmness, while at the same time kindness as you can muster, I think you must confront your wife about this information. If you need to do this in front of a counselor and if she will go I would do that. I wrote a post HERE about the need to bottom out sometimes before you can start to rebuild. If your wife’s heart is closed, there is little your actions will help until it starts to open again. God can obviously change her heart and she can too. We will pray towards that end.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  59. Thanks, Ron. My wife has been diagnosed with clinical depression and is taking medication for it. She really is on a rollercoaster of emotion these days which affects the whole family, especially our youngest kids. It seems that things have generally been getting better since my last post, but it’s still steps forward and back. Today was a really good day. She finally for the first time in 27 days told me she loved me, admitted how close she had come to cheating on me recently, but didn’t follow through. We spent a bunch of time together doing a variety of things we both enjoyed, but then it fell apart. She misread something I did, I got a little defensive, and it seems we’re back where we were a couple of weeks ago. I have a handful of friends who are praying for me, but in order to protect my wife from the embarrassment of them knowing her struggles. I haven’t shared specifics. Thanks for providing a safe place to share what’s going on. Please keep praying for us if you would.

  60. I'm reading this thread and thinking. This is exactly what I'm going through. I'd appreciate any of you praying for me and my wife too. I've only been aware of how seriously I've wounded my wife of 23 years over the last three weeks. I know I've hurt her at a few significant times, but I've learned from her that there have been a multitude of times where she felt dismissed, and I didn't even realize I was wounding her heart. In the past I tried to fix her or defend myself. Now I find myself just wanting to identify what in me causes her pain and fix that. At the same time it seems that our four kids are going through stuff and adding stress, a car wreck, acting out, tantrums, and on and on. I never knew how much I'd want to hear her say, "I love you."

  61. It looks like you are doing all you can at this point. Be patient and I and others will be praying for you. Trust is built slowly. The problems didn’t happen overnight and the solution won’t come quickly either.
    God bless
    Twitter: Ronedmondson

  62. Ron, Thank you for the response. Yes, early on I was probably on the edge of begging. I've learned to put it in His hands and that's stopped. With the newly found spirit that God has put in my heart and life, I've tried to encourage her spiritually with emails that I was sending her, but I think she took that as not giving her the space she says she needs so I've stopped sending them. I've told her that right now the main thing I want to do is honor her and I'm trying to do that by honoring her request for space. We're trying to live apart while in the same house. It's not that we don't interact at all, but I am trying to be someplace else that she is not whenever possible. I'm also trying to avoid the next step which would be separation. When we are together I am always complementary of her or something that she has done (not going overboard). Prayers at dinner are more meaningful and I've not been critical or angry at anything for 6-7 months. I am trying to display to her my sincere change of heart and attitude. I"m also praying that she would talk to our minister or one of her good friends about this… I know it would help.

    I realize that this is a long process, but it hurts when she smiles and hugs the kids, but is only polite to me. I appreciate the prayers… they are highly coveted.

    • I am in the same position as you. After years of not seeing that my bitterness was causing deep wounds, my wife stopped responding to me, she had an affair (which she now regrets) but is still very closed hearted to me. It hurts to see her so kind and patient with everyone around her but me. I told her many times that I am sorry for neglecting her the past 8 years and that I really want to have a thriving marriage with her. My biggest mistake now is just like you mentioned about how I don't give her space when she demands it. I truly hope your situation is getting better. Since your post is quite old, I would be curious to know if your situation has improved. God bless!

  63. I'm in a situation where I have hurt my wife's heart for a long period of time. We've gone to counseling and God has worked deeply in my spirit to completely change the way I look at life and my wife. I've never had more love or respect for my wife than I do now and I just want to cover her with my love and protection and share with her the exciting things that He has done in my life. If she'd give me a chance I know that she would enjoy this person I have become. However, her heart is closed to me. She says that she has lost trust and respect and has tried for months to get back that emotional connection to me and can not. I am in prayer constantly over this issue. I've tried to get her to go back to our minister, but she says that she's done talking for now. I've read your above article and I would love to interact with her on some of those levels that you mention, but she says that what she really needs is space and I am afraid that she is heading for a legal separation. Any thing I can do to encourage her heart without invading her space?

    • Jon, you have asked a question that so many have asked before. What do you do when the heart of your spouse is completely closed?

      Unfortunately you are in a hold pattern. Either God will open her hear, she will open her heart, or someone will encourage her to open her heart. Chances are that someone will not be you.

      There are few options for you at this point until her heart changes, but here are a few suggestions:

      1. Quit begging. This often is what someone in your shoes does, but it’s seldom effective and often very unattractive, making the situation even worse.
      2. Make wise decisions and do the right thing. Act the way you should have been acting all along. Often we let our emotions act for us at times like this, but that is seldom helpful.
      3. Continue to assure her that you love and care for her. This shouldn’t be overboard, but consistent.
      4. Work on your own personal development…spiritual, physical, mental, financial, etc. You’ll be a more attractive person and better able to handle the future, whatever it brings.
      5. Continue to pray as you have been. That is always the right thing to do.
      6. Consider writing a letter. Sometimes we express ourselves better in written form during these times. I wrote a post about that: http://ronedmondson.com/2008/09/do-you-need-to-write-a-letter.html
      7. As a last resort, offer her a way out in exchange for a series of counseling. It’s a risky bargaining tool, but if there is any hope for the marriage to get better it is sometimes worth the risk. I have seen many marriages saved through counseling, and I’m not sure the ones that didn’t make it would have made it without the counseling. At the least counseling helps people be better prepared to move forward with their life.

      One thing is certain, things will not get better unless something is done and I would assume you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this, so the sooner you move forward with some plan to sooner things can begin to change one way or the other. I will be praying for you.
      Twitter: Ronedmondson

  64. Dan, I wish I could tell you that a formula will work. As you know, it takes two willing parties to make a marriage work. You may want to read this post also: http://ronedmondson.com/2009/03/do-you-really

    You can't force people to do what you want them to do. I wish it were that easy. I will pray for your wife's heart to change though.
    Twitter: Ronedmondson

  65. I am trying to figure out all the ways I have gone wrong and all the hurt I have had a part in creating. I struggle with patience after being shut out for 5 years. I struggle with a complete lack of response regardless of how I try. Communications is difficult because I feel and find, whatever I say is wrong. I'm not a quitter, but how much is enough and what else can I do?

  66. Hey, If you have any suggestions for the wife then I would love to hear that sometime as well. This is something I wish my husband would hear at this time but I know that he would not. Thank you for sharing this. It is awesome.