In my parenting I have never forgotten the story of one of my closest friend’s experience with his son. He swore his son would never wear an earring. When his son turned 15 years old he requested to wear one. My friend refused, holding onto his long-held position. Over the course of a few weeks though, my friend noticed the once close relationship he had with his son slipping away from him. They didn’t talk as much. The son didn’t come to him as much for advice. Something had changed. My friend realized that it was his refusal of the earring that had caused the interruption in the relationship with his son. He went back to his son, apologized, and the relationship got back on track. (Interestingly, the son didn’t wear the earring for very long.)
I am in similar days with my son Nate. No, he hasn’t asked for an earring, but it is his senior year in high school. He is fiercely independent, far more so than our oldest son. Most likely he will attend college far away and very soon be leaving home. I’m trying to learn the balance as his father between providing him the discipline and instruction I’m supposed to give as a father and the freedom and independence he needs, as he becomes a young man.
The line between extending freedom and controlling the actions of your child is unclear at times. I know many parents who have crossed that line too far either way, either controlling so much that the child rebels or giving so much freedom that the child runs wild. Frankly, I’m still learning. Recently I posted on my need for others to invest in me. This is one area in which I continue to need wisdom.
I know the right answer to give to parents. It’s to never cross the line so much that you lose the devotion of your child’s heart. Sometimes you may have to break their will, but you never want to lose access to influence over their heart. I just don’t always know how to use that answer when I have to apply it to everyday life.
What advice do you have? Do you struggle in this area of parenting?
Anyone who doesn’t struggle in this area of parenting has other problems that are bigger in nature and in scope. So, my first piece of advice would be welcome to Healthy Parenting 200. We are all struggling.
Now that we are on teenager #3, I have apologized to #1 and #2 for all of the mistakes that we made with them. Just as we are getting better at this, we are running out of kids.
The goal with teenagers is not to control them, but to disciple them with the hope that the mistakes they make in learning to make responsible decisions will be made mostly when the consequences are not so large. The older they get, the greater the consequences.
We try the gradual release approach, and at 18 inform them that all of our advice is merely that, advice, but if they choose to live at home, they will be subject to our two house rules, or they will have to move out. We live within walking distance of the local college, so our offer of free rent has enticed them to stay. We could not really help them with tuition, but they have done okay for themselves.
As the mom, letting go has been far harder for me, but my husband has been very firm on this point, and it has preserved our relationship with our adult children. Have they made mistakes? Yes. Do we still have a good relationship with them? Yes.
Do not underestimate your influence with your independent minded son. My husband makes a point of taking our son out to lunch at least once a week, and just hangs out with him. Whenever our son needs advice, who does he call? He calls his dad, not because of a rule, but because of a relationship. I have tried to do the same thing with our daughter. Breakfast out with no agenda can build a relationship that otherwise might really flounder.
My only other insight would be that when we saw our daughter pick up a ‘best’ friend whom we considered a terrible influence, I suggested that she enter a Bible study mentoring relationship with a godly friend of mine who was a college grad and much closer to her age. This has blossomed into a wonderful discipleship relationship which has borne wonderful fruit. It has lasted for years, and has countered the effect of the other friend, brought a greater devotion to God’s word, and nurtured her prayer life.
Beyond all those things, the best thing is to be on your face in prayer. Fasting doesn’t hurt either. Stay united as husband and wife and face everything as a team; you will need each other during those hard times.
Ministry kids have it tougher in many ways. When my husband was an elder, we did not put higher expectations on our children, but other people did. We did not realize it until years later. It may help diffuse things to discuss this and reopen the topic from time to time.
I will be praying for you. I know it can be tough.
Larry and I have struggled with this very subject throughout our entire marriage. Parenting a blended family is stressful, confusing and one of the most frustrating things I have ever done. Having older children mixed with younger children can take a toll on all of our childrens hearts. Do you know how hard it is NOT to say “No, we’ve been down that road before” when it’s better to say (on some things) “Ok, let’s see how he/she learns from this obstacle”. It’s easy to take a been there done that attitude but it’s truly not fair to the child. But, c’mon, don’t think that I say “go ahead and try those cigarettes…that’ll teach you” No, it’s more of a patient mindset of observing when to step in and when to step back.
I received a reply to an email from someone who told me not long ago to take all my concerns and place them on a card out on the table and to then give them all to God. You did not know when you gave me that advice that a simular thing had happened to us with our 16 year old daughter. I had over heard her tell the boy she liked that she would go all the way the next day. The card thing and giving it to the Lord is the best advice I have because I have never felt so unprepared in my life as with my teen. I am sure when I get thru this time that I will realize that God is teaching me a lot. Thank you so much for the advice. It was awesome.