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The Downward Spiral of a Man’s Heart

I’m sick of Satan’s dirty little tricks. Criticize me all you want for the legalistic sound of this post but I’m not taking a chance in this area of my life and I want to use this post to encourage men to do likewise.  If I’ve learned anything about being a man it’s that I am weak in this area. I’m tired of sitting with couples whose marriage is rocked because of an affair.  Lately this has included those in ministry and it’s impacting their ability to do Kingdom work.  If a man says he can handle this area of temptation without proper discipline in his life he’s most likely lying or impotent.

In nearly every situation I encounter (all but one or two that I can remember), the affair didn’t start in an instant; it started over a series of time and moments of indiscretion by the man (or woman).  I can’t intelligently speak to this issue from a woman’s perspective, but here is the progression of the sin of adultery in a man’s life:

Glance

Look

Gaze

Thought

Lust

Pornography

Flirting

Affair

Rarely does an affair start at the glance stage. It’s true a man may not go through each of the stages. Some skip the pornography stage, for example, although well over half the time this is the case. The key here is that it is a progression. It seems to me, therefore, that where we need to get a handle on the problem is early in the progression.   Satan is the master at entering adequate temptation into this progression.  He seems to know the right images and situations to tempt the man.

Every time I post about this issue females accuse me of being a pervert.  Just read some of the comments in THIS POST.  Guys, help me out here.  Be honest with who you are and the temptations you face on a daily basis.  You know you have a problem if not controlled.  Even the Old Testament character Job realized he needed some discipline in his life in this area.  (Job 31:1)  No temptation has seized you except what’s common to man. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Men (and women), we must get a handle on what we look at and what we do with our thought life.  I’m not saying every time a man has a lustful thought it is going to end up in an affair, but the progression is the scary part. Some of you reading this are already past the danger point in your progression.  My advice is to get help now. Your family, ministry and reputation are too important not to protect it.

For more on this thought process, read my post Addressing a Porn Generation and 7 Ways I Protect My Heart and Ministry from an Affair.

Now, for those brave enough, be honest with meDo you struggle in these areas?  What are you doing to protect yourself?

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Ron Edmondson

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The only item in your list that seems out of place is "Pornography." Too often it will appear anywhere in the list, and sometimes not at all.

Otherwise the progression is spot-on. Some say it's OK to "look" (probably "gaze" in your list). I know of extremely few cases where that's actually true. I know I can't just "look" without standing on the edge of the next step in the progression. I also know that I, as well as the people I know who say it's OK to "look," wouldn't want to look if they weren't already in the progression.

I realize that women are wired differently. They aren't triggered by the visual (though our society is beating that out of them with the shirtless "Weezy Queasy Sleazy" rappers). Men, in general, are. It's deeper than our thoughts, ladies. Sorry.

(cont'd in reply)
1 reply · active 744 weeks ago
I agree that an affair doesn't start in a moment. My opinion would be that the average guy who decides on an affair has at least gone down through most of the list you have posted. I'm not sure that porn is always in the progression and even Lust might be absent. But mostly I agree with your progression.

I think that it starts even before the glance. I think we as Christian men have had to have something else already going on before we take that first glance. As I have shared here in the past, my marriage has issues at the moment, mostly caused by me. And God has dealt with me in those areas. But now my wife is lacking love for me which leads to many important pieces of the marriage to be missing. In one sense, I am a prime candidate for having an affair. I work out at the Y and am exposed to many very attractive women some of whom don't work out in sweats... ahem... I work closely with a very attractive woman who is divorced. Although she's probably really not my type in some ways in other ways she is. And there is a woman, who is married, whom I have worked with for years and years who has a knack of just making me feel special. No, she's not coming on to me, she just appreciates our friendship and the our work-related interactions and can with a small compliment in an email make me feel like the most special of people.

So, you see, I have opportunity, I have visual stimulation, I have possibilities, and I'm getting something I'm not getting at home...and no, I'm not talking about sex..although that is an issue...I'm getting respect; I'm getting thoughtful encouragements.

And I think for many men, that's how it starts. How do I resist especially in the cauldron of a marriage that is not what it should be and one in which I feel unloved and disrespected? Fortunately for me, God has worked what I would call a miracle in my life and has given me a deep sense of love and commitment for Him, my vows, my wife, and my marriage. When I am at the Y I realize that these women will be there and I purpose to not look. The same holds with the women at work. I treat them like coworkers and friends and don't, for the most part, even have the thought about something else with them. God has led me to many helpful resources like this blog and a couple of great books that I will recommend. And from that I have decided to love my wife unconditionally. Even though she doesn't love me or respect me in that way and some days she can be cold, I choose to love her unconditionally. And I think that is the key. If I were to have an affair I believe that doing that would devalue my relationship to God, my marriage, and my relationship to my wife. So if I say I am going to love her unconditionally and then decide to have an affair, I guess that makes me a liar.

The two books I have found that I think are excellent are "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas and "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerich.

We can stem the tide of affairs, at least among Christian men, but it takes us being committed men of God.
1 reply · active 744 weeks ago
I love what Jon is saying here, because he is going straight to the heart of the issue. He takes it further than "the progression." While I like having the outline of a progression is place, its use is limited to only recognizing symptoms of a deeper problem. An analogy:

Progression of a cold:
Headache
sore throat
sneezing
runny nose
fever
body aches
cold moves to the chest...
coughing
physical weakness

The progression is only useful in helping us identify how far along we are in getting sick/ identifying symptoms. If I want to avoid getting sick, I'm going to make sure I'm well rested, stay warm, and eat/drink well.

(Part 1 of 2)
6 replies · active 744 weeks ago
Eric Thomas's avatar

Eric Thomas · 744 weeks ago

Ron, in my life, I know that there are seasons when I am tired, stressed, busy, harangued, bored... in those moments I am more susceptible to the glance, look, gaze, thought, etc. For Christian men, we many times think everything's okay if we "think" like David did (with Bathsheba) as long as we "run" like Joseph did (with Potiphar's wife). We don't get to the heart of the matter, which is enjoying something (thought, lust) more than treasuring Christ in our hearts. Again, in my life, I have to take those seasons of weakness and intentionally pour Christ into the gaps, with the help of my weekly accountability group.

Great post, brother!!!

Eric
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Yep...it's a progression. And way too many men are trapped in that progression with no idea they're on the way down. I knew that I didn't see the danger when I was on the way down.
Ron, it's not a matter of IF the problem exists. That would be like asking if air exists. The problem is here and is here to stay. Men, we must face this fact.

The IF question has more to do with what we will do with the problem. This post, and others across the internet, are just plain good reading. Fill your minds with this type of reading. Get an accountability partner. Then live day to day (moment to moment, if necessary) racking up small victories in Jesus' name. Over time, you'll leave a legacy you can be proud of.
1 reply · active 744 weeks ago

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Nice post Ron and spot on, was thinking this-praying about this for several weeks now. Guess what? God Hates Divorce! As men (women too for that matter) we must set up guidelines for ourselves not only about this but ALL aspects of life...it's when we do not set up parameters that we can be tempted to allow ourselves to indulge in questionable activities which may progress to our demise. Refuse to flirt, to gaze, to meet with a lady for lunch/coffee...little things-big things swing on small hinges...Lastly, when we get our feelings hurt-feel like we aren't appreciated-GROW UP-don't go whining to a lady friend or associate, this may also open the door and you may not be strong enough to close it.
2 replies · active 655 weeks ago
See, Ron, a great conversation and no one called you a pervert :)
Christopher's avatar

Christopher · 714 weeks ago

God has put a burden on my heart for men much like yours. It's encouraging to read your wisdom on these issues. The problems men face aren't much talked about because it's hard to, as men, trust another human being. I would like to know more on how to reach out to these men. God bless!
What makes men think that they can have an affair because they glance, or look? I would never give you any part of me for dinner and a movie. And, why would you want to have an affair? Because you're not getting respect at home? Why don't men try giving some respect for the wife who takes of you, the mother who takes care of he kids, the house, the bills, and works? Ahem!!! Geeze,,,men are stupid. Women don't think they can have an affair with a man because they "look". Gawwwwwdddddd.......really???

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