7 Ways to Get Your Man to Shop with You

I shop with my wife.

There. I said it. I’m sorry guys. Do I lose my man card?

I get criticized often by other men that say I put pressure on them to live up to that standard with their own wives. And, I’m sorry if that’s the case. I realize many men read this blog.

I explain that a shopping mall is not necessarily my preferred place to be on a Saturday, but I love my wife and I love spending time with her. She sometimes likes to shop, so many Saturdays I find myself somewhere shopping with her.

I also know my blog readership is about 40% women, so today I want to address you in this issue. My goal, as always, is to improve and strengthen marriages. Spending time together always helps this occur. At least that’s the theory. 🙂

Here are 7 tips to get your man to shop with you:

Give him a mission. Men love a purpose. We are hunters by nature. Tell us exactly what you are looking for, that you haven’t been able to find it anywhere and that you need his help finding it. Then get out of his way and let him hunt!

Understand his limit. This is not the day to hit every store. Especially if you’re husband is new to shopping, don’t make him become a marathoner in the first race. Ease him into the idea. And, when he’s hungry, feed him well. Even let him pick the place.

Let him carry packages to the car. He’s going to be looking for something to do. He may want to make several trips to the car. He’ll show you how strong he is. Let him serve you.

Include a stop for him. If he wants to look at tools for a while, don’t complain if he already looked at dresses. And, if he wants to sit in the middle of the mall and people watch — don’t complain.

Don’t push stores he doesn’t like. Save those for the girls trips. (Personally, I don’t care for the candle shops or soaps and lotion stores. To me if you have smell one, you have smelled them all.)

Give him credit for going and don’t expect it to be his favorite way to spend a day. Recognize he is doing it out of love for you, not for the activity of it. Don’t tell all his friends he “loves to shop with you”. And, don’t expect him to want to go every time you do.

Give him time to enjoy the things he enjoys doing at other times. And, if he wants you to, do them with him without complaining.

Girls: Does your husband shop with you? What are your tips for us?

Guys: Do you shop with your wives? What keeps you going?

One Sign of Great Leadership: Admitting You Aren’t the One

Leadership is not about having all the answers.

One sign of a great leader — in my opinion — is to be bold enough to say, “I don’t have all the answers”.

Perhaps even harder, “I’m not the one to carry this task forward.”

That takes humility.

I observed the pressure some pastors and leaders place on themselves to have all the answers and to be good at everything they do. And, churches and organizations sometimes hold leaders to this level of excellence and expectation.

The fact is, however, that most of us only do a few things really well. Understanding that and being willing to admit it is an indication one is becoming a mature leader — and will actually help them be better leaders.

I love the story of King David in 1 Chronicles 28. The preceding chapters outline how David had diligently organized the kingdom, but then David humbly handed over reins to his son.

Of course, he did this at the command of God, but his speech to the people is not filled with bitterness and anger, but with encouragement and challenge to keep the vision moving forward. There are several Biblical examples of this type leadership.

I love some of the succession talk that is taking place in the church world today. I’m watching as some more mature pastors help the church figure out what’s next for the church — after their leadership. My friends William Vanderbloemen and Warren Bird have actually written a book on the subject.

But, I think this is a daily issue. Few of us are good at admitting we need help or releasing areas from our control. Again, that takes humility. I see that especially true in church leadership. (And, for those who will say the church expects it — I get that — but that’s where leadership is needed even more.)

Great leaders are willing to admit when they don’t know the answer, when they don’t have a plan for the current situation, when they need help figuring out a solution, when they are in over their head, or even — when they are no longer the right one for the job.

Even greater leaders are willing to allow and even promote and encourage others who are skilled in areas they are not and more capable of leading at the time.

Two questions:

Pastor or leader, in what area of your life do you need to humbly step aside and let another lead? It might be in the best interest of everyone if you did.

And, do you have any personal examples of where you’ve seen or are seeing a senior leader extend power to others? Share a story with us.

10 Harsh Realities of Leadership

I love leadership. I feel called to it. I realize the need for good leadership,but the fact is that leadership is hard.

I meet regularly with some high-level, senior leaders to glean from them. We talk about our common challenges in attempting to lead others. One shared discovery we have made in our time together is about the perception of people who haven’t served as a senior leader have about people in that role. It’s the same one we had before we were in senior leadership. It often looks easier — and maybe even more glamorous — from the outside than it is in reality.

As a student and blogger of leadership, I want to be realistic with people who desire to be senior leaders.

Here are 10 harsh realities of leadership:

You will at times be unpopular. Every leader is at some point. Change is hard and people will agree and disagree.You open emotional wounds through change. In fact, they will often blame you for changes happening in their own life because of the change you are making as a leader.

You will have to make decisions no one else will make. That’s what leaders do. It’s what inspires people to follow. It’s what challenges the paradigms. It’s what leads us to a discovery — and hopefully even a better reality.

You have to be able to see farther than today. If you can’t, maybe leadership is not your thing. Leaders aren’t stuck in today. They are leveraging influence today for something better that may not be realized until some tomorrow.

You won’t be successful long by making excuses. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll be more likely to attract followers through your ownership of them. Humility is an admired leadership trait.

You can motivate, but you can’t mandate. Attempting to control or bully people to produce more won’t work long-term. It isn’t a sustainable technique. People will either rebel, fail to live up to potential or leave.  

You’re only as good as your team. No matter how good you are — if you’re team is lousy, so will you be as a leader. 

Your legacy will mostly be formed by the investment you made in others. Not by the great ideas you had or the success you can personally take credit for producing. People investments always last longest. 

You can’t avoid conflict indefinitely. You can run but you can’t hide. Eventually little things can become big things. Hidden and unresolved conflict eventually explodes. 

You will be misunderstood at times. You can have the best intentions, but you’ll still be misunderstood. You’ll have to continually get better at communicating, but you’ll still keep being misunderstood. It’s part of leading people who are different from you.

You can’t neglect your soul for long. If you do — you’ll crash and burn. 

Just a few of mine. Any you would share?

What To Do When You Exceed Your Leadership Capacity

What is your leadership capacity?

Have you found it?

I use the term leadership capacity to describe a leader’s maximum potential to effectively lead others to accomplish the vision.

A leader exceeds their leadership capacity when they no longer have the ability to effectively manage or lead the organization to reach its potential. They find themselves on a regular basis not able to handle all the demands placed upon them — and it’s beginning to show in the organization.

The leader has exceeded his or her leadership capacity.

You may not know the term, or even agree with my definition of it, but I suspect if you’ve led very long at all, you have felt the sensation of being over your capacity.

Do you ever feel you are in over your head?

I met with a great businessman and leader once that admitted he was overwhelmed with what was happening around him. He felt the weight of leading. His business had grown larger and faster than he ever anticipated. There were increasing demands — not only on his time, but also on the number of decisions he was having to make on a daily basis. He went home everyday feeling he had accomplished so little — even though he was doing a lot — because there was so much that could only be done by him.

He knew he was already beyond his capacity and growing more and more concerned the business could get away from him unless he did something to increase his capacity as a leader.

I know the feeling. Been there and done that – and probably will again.

I appreciate any leader who can recognize this about their leadership. That realization is like an insurance policy against leadership failure.

If you are leading and you feel you are reaching your leadership capacity, consider these steps:

Recognize and admit – That’s most important. Do not be afraid to admit you are over your head. Humility is actually an attractive leadership quality.

Re-evaluate – Are you trying to do too much? Are your standards for yourself too high? Do you need to change your role in the organizational structure? Do you need to lose some of your responsibilities? Have you built too much power or too much dependence on you in the organizational structure?

Ask for help – Seek wisdom from those who have led longer than you. Find a mentor. Take a class. Join a network. One of the values of social media for me has been the insight I have learned from other leaders, but I always have a mentor in my life — usually several.

Delegate – Ask yourself what responsibility you could give away or what areas others on your team would be better able to handle. If you are a one person “team”, seek volunteers or part-time help to help you bridge the gaps between your leadership ability and the demands of the organization. (It may end up being an investment that protects everything else in which you’ve invested.)

Quit if needed – If you value the vision enough then be willing to step aside if you are no longer a good fit to lead it. This is not a sign of failure or an indication that you are a bad leader. Sometimes the organization simply grows in another direction from our passion, skills or strengths as a leader. Some people are better suited to lead at one level than another. It takes an act of bold humility to admit this.

Leaders, is your leadership capacity being stretched? What are you going to do about it?

How to Endure a Critical, Non-supportive Leader

I was talking to a younger leader recently. He is feeling under-appreciated. His boss, the senior leader, never notices the work that he is doing. Even worse, for this senior leader, crisitcism flows easily. He never misses a mistake.

I get it. That leader could be me at times. I’m bad about celebrating. I’m wired for constant improvement. It’s something I’m conscious of and work on, but it takes consistent discipline on my part.

On the other hand, the new generation of leaders were born into a system that afforded instant and constant recognition. In my days, A’s were expected in school. So we didn’t always celebrate them. If we did it was at the end of the year. These days an A on a test may get a steak dinner.

I’m not criticizing. And, I’m not making excuses. My generation enabled this generation. I am just pointing out a difference in generational expectations. So, the reality is this senior leader may not even recognize the problem this younger leader is experiencing. He doesn’t see the problems with the way he is leading.

And, I’m not saying that as an excuse. From the way this senior leader was described to me, his behavior is wrong, demeaning, and certainly not conducive to produce the most excellent team environment or one that develops leaders — in my opinion — in any generation.

But, the question from this younger leader was how to respond. For a variety of reasons, he doesn’t feel the freedom to move on to something new right now. So what does he do today?

Well, first and foremost I told this younger leader he should not get his hopes up that things might change anytime soon. They might. Maybe the leader will read the right book or some masterful blog post and a conversion experience will occur in how this leader leads. Not likely.

But, what I can say is that, in spite of the deficiency in his leadership, the senior leader probably still has something he can teach the younger leader. S0, be respectful. There will likely be other occasions in his leadership where he will have to display respect to someone even if he doesn’t agree with them. Maybe just to keep his job. Maybe even to be obedient to Scripture. (Romans 13)

The fact is the way we honor those we don’t naturally respect says a lot about our character.

But, the other thing I would say. And, I think this is huge.

You can learn good principles under bad leadership.

You can. You can learn what not to do by watching what others do wrong. Right now this young leader is developing good leadership practices by acknowledging what has injured him that he would never do to injure someone he is leading.

Take notes.

Grow. Learn.

Prepare now for how you’ll lead then.

We will always need better leaders. Be one. And, if you’re serving under a critical, non-supportive leader, you’re in a great training ground.

7 Attributes for a Pastor Wanting to do Church Revitalization

I have been in church revitalization for almost 3 years in the church where I currently serve as pastor. My first church some 13 years ago was a church in need of revitalization. In between, I’ve been a part of two church plants.

Even more, I’ve worked with dozens of pastors in church revitalization and church planting. Along the way, God has blessed us with some success and I’ve tried to learn some things — and pass them along here.

For example, I’ve learned there are some commonalities among pastors who can successfully revitalize an established church.

Here are 7 attributes of pastors who do church revitalization:

Calling. I don’t recommend church revitalization to anyone unless they have a clear calling from God. I believe God often gives tremendous latitude in allowing us to choose where we serve, but church revitalization appears to be a unique calling — one I’d be certain God has called you to do. Honestly, it’s the same for church planters, but, in my experience, it’s easier to plant a church. Starting completely over is usually easier than trying to revive an established church that has been in decline. (That’s just my opinion, but it’s based on experience.) And we need lots of church plants. I don’t have statistics to back it up, but there has to be more Kingdom money in established, but declining churches than the total invested in recent years in church planting. We need church revitalization — if for no other reason to be good stewards of Kingdom resources.

Supportive spouse. As in church planting — or any ministry — if you’re married, the spouse plays a huge role. But, to be honest, in church revitalization, Cheryl’s part has been one of the hardest parts for me personally. I have the greatest pastor’s wife. She genuinely loves people. There are days, however, when people with no filter chose my wife as a punching bag for their frustration with me. It happens almost every time we announce a change. (I’ve made it very clear that is not an acceptable response, and it’s gotten better with time, but it still occasionally happens.) But, that never happened in church planting. And, might not happen as often if we left everything alone and didn’t try to revitalize. The bottom line though is that Cheryl felt we were being called to this. In fact, she sensed it before I did. (She almost always does when it comes to matters of faith.)

Love of history and tradition. The key here is that you’re in revitalization. It’s not demolition. You’re leading a church to rediscover their past. If they don’t have a past worth rediscovering — then demolition might be a better option. Give. up and go plant a church. But, revitalization will involve celebrating some of the great moments from history. Along the way, there will be traditions worth maintaining. They are culture — DNA — and they work towards the mission they just need new energy behind them.

Entrepreneurial spirit. I’ve heard those who love “new” say they’d get bored in revitalization. Not! In addition to loving what’s old, it helps greatly to love all things new. And, this attribute and the last one are rare as a combination. It’s unusual to love history and tradition and have an entrepreneurial spirit. You can’t leave things exactly as you found them and expect the church to revive. Revitalization involves change. The heart of a planter, if they can live with the other attributes needed, works well in church revitalization.

Patience. It won’t be easy and you will not be able to move as fast as you can in church planting. The delicate balance between preserving DNA while encouraging change will be challenging at times. To be successful, you’ll need to honor the past while you push towards the future. That takes patience. (And, frankly you’ll have more somedays than others.)

Visionary. A church revitalization pastor receives a call and then grasps a God-given vision for what could be. It’s a strong enough vision to provide the tenacity to see it to fruition and to be able to cast in a powerful enough way where people are willing to follow.

Resilience. Dictionary.com defines resilience as “the power or ability to return to the original position after being stretched.” Yea, that. No, doubt you’ll be stretched as a church revitalizing pastor. And that also requires perseverance. Dictionary.com defines perseverance as “steady persistence in a course of action”. And, yea, that too. You’ll have set backs. There will be days you think you’re making progress only to realize people are upset about the color of the carpet. Through it all, you’ll have to keep going to be successful. And, if God called you to it then you will be.

My goal is not to scare you away from church revitalization. We need some who will take up the calling. My goal is for you to be prepared — and ultimately — to be successful.

3 Steps to Being a More Thankful Person

Ever wonder the secret to being thankful?

I believe the secret to being thankful is in learning to be more content.

We give thanks out of a heart overflowing with gratefulness. A full heart naturally produces gratitude.

How do we do that?

The Apostle Paul told us he had learned the secret.

I think Paul gave us some clues earlier in his letter to the Philippians.

Here’s Paul’s remedy:

(He says he’s going to tell us one thing — then he gives us three — typical Paul.)

Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. (‭Philippians‬ ‭3‬:‭13-14‬)

Here is Paul’s remedy to being more content – more thankful

Forgetting what is behind.

Has it been a tough year? Have you made some mistakes? That day is gone. Did you know that? It’s over. Done. Gone. The question now is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to live in the past? Hold on to guilt? Refuse the grace of God in your life? Refuse to forgive? Hold a grudge? If you’re lonely, you sulk or get up and get out among people — find some friends and let them invest in you? You may need to grieve or mourn or ask forgiveness, but you can let the past control you or move forward. Not both. Which will you choose?

Remembering what is ahead.

The best days are ahead if you’re a child of God. He’s writing a story with a happy ending, where all things work for an ultimate good. Right now we have more questions than answers. Some day He will provide for His children a Sabbath rest. And have you ever seen a sunset which took your breath away or marveled at the beauty of a mountain reaching into a clouded sky? Well, just wait. “No eye has seen” what God has prepared. If Christ is in you – you have a present Helper and a future reward. It’s all working for His glory.

Pursue worthy goals.

Pursue Christ. Honor Him with your life. Have the mind of Christ. Love one another. Pray for your enemies. Do good — expecting nothing in return. It will fill your heart with more joy, more contentment — more thanksgiving as you invest your life in others.

And, later in Philippians Paul shares that the “peace of God” will guard your hearts. You will be filled with contentment.

And, you’ll find yourself being a more thankful person.