Cheryl and I have often said that one of the greatest trials we have walked through in ministry with people is the hidden pain of infertility. Every time we celebrate the birth of someone’s child we also know of a couple who can’t seem to get pregnant or have recently had a miscarriage. (I wrote about the pain of the childless in a previous post HERE.) Many reading this post will have walked through this pain personally.
One aspect which I may have overlooked is the man’s side of this issue. I knew men struggled with infertility also, but I am not sure I realized the extent of their pain. Recently I was talking to a man who shared his personal and hidden pain during he and his wife’s time of infertility. It opened my eyes to the man’s perspective.
When a couple is battling infertility here are 7 emotions the man often feels:
Helpless – “My wife and I are hurting and I don’t know what to do” is the emotion many men feel. Being wired to fix things, this problem, like many issues in life, isn’t often fixable and the man feels helpless.
Protective – The man, in an attempt to defend his wife may think, “I don’t want you to hurt anymore”, which might lead him to react in ways that make the wife feel he isn’t as interested in having children as she is interested.
Insecure – The man is probably asking, “Am I not enough?” This is a hard one for women to understand, but it’s even Biblical. Read 1 Samuel 1:8 for an example. Men naturally struggle with insecurity, but especially during this issue.
Empty – I knew the woman felt this emotion during infertility, but I am not sure I realized the man does as well. A man who wants to be a dad may feel like something is desperately missing in his life.
Scared – A lot of times the man is thinking “What if it’s my fault?” He may fear that something physically wrong with him is keeping his wife from experiencing the joy of motherhood.
Frustrated – Men don’t understand why this is happening to their marriage, so they may wrongly become frustrated with themselves, with God, and even with their wife.
Inferior – Men dealing with infertility often wonder why other men can get their wife pregnant, but not them. They may struggle with a sense of worth and doubt their abilities in other other parts of their life.
This post is not new information for those of you who have or are struggling with this issue, but, again, I never understood the weight of burden this was to a man’s life. I have always known from experience the pain in a woman’s heart who deals with infertility, and even the weight it places on a marriage relationship, but my friend helped me understand the specific side of this issue relative to men.
Keep in mind, most men are not as equipped to talk about their emotions as women may be. Some men don’t even know they have seven whole ranges of emotions (semi-joking here). Men, if this is your issue, don’t struggle alone. Be vulnerable with your wife and a few other men who can walk with you through this issue.
Men (and women), have you dealt with this issue? What have you learned that could help others?
Men, since this post addresses your emotions in this issue, please add your thoughts to help other men. Women, did you ever understand this issue from a man’s perspective?
Thanks for posting this article from a males perspective, since we don't see or hear to much from this angle. My wife (33) and I (35) have been trying for 8 years to conceive without success. It takes an immense toll psychologically especially when seeing certain children from our families because it triggers an emotional frustrations and deep sadness and at the same time a yearning and desire that cannot be described in words longing for a child of my own. I'm always thinking if I had a child I can bring it to bed… looking forward to coming home from work and having my children running to greet me… go fishing with them.. etc. Yes I do tend to bottle it all up inside, and yes I do try to hide it from everyone. I hope (sometimes it gets really dismal) that I may yet experience being a parent like every one else. Hopefully one day God in his infinite mercy may grant us and others what so much long for.
My husband & I are in ministry, & we went through 3 miscarriages before we became pregnant with our little boy. I’m due at the end if December, & we are so thankful for our unborn son. The pain & the loss is still close to my heart, & I’m not sure why God allowed us to go through such a dark time. However, I do know my husband & I are stronger people in our faith because if it. We can now understand what other couples are going through. Without asking him, I would say my husband did feel a lot of those feelings while we were struggling in our pain. Men & women feel different things in this area, & it’s important to keep the communication lines open. Something that really helped us was counseling/grief counseling in this area to keep our marriage strong through it all.
Thank you Roberta for sharing this. You are living the truth of 2 Corinthians 1. Your pain, and your faith through it, is being used to minister to others.
My wife and I were unable to have children biologically. Unlike many couples, we knew why we could not conceive. And while the cause of our infertility was shared (we both had our issues), I still felt very guilty that I could not give my wife the experience of childbirth. And she felt bad that she could not carry my child.
Moreover, my faith was really tested because I thought "Who am I going to pass my faith on to? What spiritual legacy will we leave if we cannot have children?" Being in church on Mother's Day and Father's Day was always difficult. I think churches ought to be more sensitive to infertile couples on these days. Still recognize Mom's and Dad's but also recognize the pain felt by those facing infertility.
Yet God sustained us. In fact, since we could not have children biologically, we have 2 "providentially" through adoption, with two more (brothers) being adopted in the next few months.
One other thing I learned through our experience with infertility…building a family through adoption is not a conciliation prize of sorts, but part of God's perfect plan.
Absolutely! Thank you for adding this.
Thank you for sharing a personal story Greg. Because of these reasons I have always shied away from these special days. It's a tough balance, but the church should always be sensitive, especially since this is not a small number, but a large, silent number of people struggling with this issue.
Great insight – i appreciate you bringing to light the pain that the husband experiences in this season.
Pastors there ARE couples under your care that are dealing with this very painful issue. Unfortunately, church was the most difficult place for my wife and me to be when dealing with infertility. Please temper your sermon series on "family" with this in mind.
Coach your Sunday school or small group leaders of couples of child bearing age to be sensitive to the fact that there are people under their care dealing with infertility. Comments like, "The Jones' family is pregnant. Congratulation… looks like they slipped one past the keeper – hahaha" are brutally painful.
It's NEVER ok to ask a couple of child bearing age when they are going to jump on the kid wagon.
Finally, infertility is usually a very private issue. Couples dealing with it don't want to talk about it openly and are very careful with whom they share their secret. At the same time, they are pretty easy to spot. They are the couple of child bearing age that have no children. Love on them and care for them, when they feel safe they are desperate for someone to help them shoulder their burden.
I don't pretend to have any idea of what this feels like but thank you for sharing this, Ron. It is helpful to understand if I ever experience this or come across someone who has.
Thanks Tony. Paul's comment on this post is most helpful also.